Entrusted

I'm Still Here! Except I'm Over There.

2009-07-15T08:27:00.003-05:00

My recent blog silence stems from two things: 1) We've had family visiting constantly since June 19. 2) I've been in the process of moving and redesigning my blog.

You're all invited to visit the new Entrusted!

I'm very excited about the new site. I'll still be tinkering for a while, so please browse around and give me your feedback. If you didn't show up on the new blogroll and would like to be listed, send me an email; I'm sure I missed people inadvertently! Also, please update your own blogrolls with my new site address (http://entrusted.wordpress.com), and subscribe to the new feed (there's even a handy button in the new sidebar now!).

Thanks, friends!

Bad News, Good News

2009-06-18T08:24:00.002-05:00

When I called Aaron last Thursday to report the heartbreaking news of our negative pregnancy test, he suggested that I take the rest of the afternoon off from work and spend some time crying out to God. He specifically encouraged me to read a few pertinent sections from A Gospel Primer. As I sat on our front porch and wept in weariness of getting bad news again and again, I read the following through my tears:

"[T]he gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ" (p. 31-32, emphasis mine).

It's challenging to cling to the good news of the gospel when the bad news feels so very bad. I don't think I'll ever fully understand, in this life, how the trial of infertility is being made good in God's hands. But I trust, even as my eyes are dimmed by tears, that it is so. I trust that the precious news that my Savior has given me all of himself, that I am his and that he won't let me go - that good news will be my everlasting story and song.

Vignettes

2009-06-11T17:43:00.005-05:00

I dreamt the same thing twice in one night last week. In my dream, I was thirty-some weeks pregnant and needed to be induced early for some medical reason. We were sure that I and the baby would be fine, and we were excited to meet our little one. Each time, I woke from the dream to remember: my belly was swollen not with child but with hyperstimulation post-transfer. Still, it was a nice dream, and I hoped it boded well for our embryos.

******************************************

Our house has a detached garage, with a disheveled, rusty basketball hoop mounted above the garage door. Birds have built their nest in the space between the hoop's backboard and the garage wall. This morning, as I stepped through the garage door to go to the car and leave for my beta appointment, I noticed something near my feet. The small, broken body of a baby bird. It's still there now. I'll ask Aaron to take care of it when he gets home from work; I don't think I could bear it.

******************************************

Words from a song I listened to as I drove to the clinic:

So I lay down what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

******************************************

Results: Negative.

So very tired of bad news.

Psalm 66

2009-06-09T08:29:00.002-05:00

In my Bible reading last week, I encountered Psalm 66 and decided to camp out there until we get the results from this IVF cycle. I've been re-reading it every day, and it's been helping me to maintain trust in God as I wait. Here are some excerpts and reflections:

Shout for joy to God, all the earth;
sing the glory of his name;
give to him glorious praise!
Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you.
All the earth worship you
and sings praises to you;
they sing praises to your name."

God is glorious, and all the earth praises his name. "All the earth" includes me, whether this IVF succeeds or not, and "all the earth" includes our embryos, tiny beings whose microscopic cells magnify their Creator. God's power is great. My enemies as I try to conceive are his enemies: sin, sickness, sorrow and death. His enemies cringe before his power. Sin, sickness, sorrow and death cannot ultimately triumph over me, even if these embryos don't survive.

Come and see what God has done:
he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.

I want, whatever the results this week brings, to call others to come and see what God has done for me. I'm praying that I would get to see his awesome deeds toward my children, in bestowing and sustaining life through this IVF. But if that's not how he chooses to work at this time, I can still draw attention to his work in my life, giving me contentment and peace even in the midst of suffering.

Bless our God, O peoples;
let the sound of his praise be heard,
who has kept our soul among the living
and has not let our feet slip.
For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

Throughout these four-and-a-half years of infertility, God's hand has been active. He sent the test, but he has not let me fall and he has sustained life in my soul. When I feel like infertility might crush me, like I might burn or drown in the hardship of it, it brings rest to know that God is in control of this trial and that he will preserve me. Not only will he preserve me, but he will bring me into abundance. I pray that this IVF would yield an abundance of blessing in a child or in children, that he will have seen fit to keep at least one of our embryos' souls among the living. But if I'm not pregnant, he has still brought me the abundant blessing of knowing my Savior better, of sharing in his sufferings.

If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
But truly God has listened;
he has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
because he has not rejected my prayer
or removed his steadfast love from me!

God listens to my prayers. He listens to my prayers because of his Son. Because I trust in the death and resurrection of Jesus, God has given me a new heart - a heart where sin is still present but where sin has no final power. I can't earn the ear of God, but my justification in Christ ensures that God attends to my voice when I pray. He has heard all of my prayers for children over the past five years, and he has heard my prayers for these three embryos over the past few weeks. I so hope that I will get a positive pregnancy test this week as tangible evidence that he has not rejected my prayer. But whether the results are negative or positive, I have confidence that God will never remove his steadfast love from me, because of my security in Christ.

It's Hard to Type from a Horizontal Position

2009-05-30T18:21:00.003-05:00

I've now got three embryos on board (graded as B, B- and C). The transfer went smoothly. However, the nurse said I'm dehydrated and that my ovaries are very enlarged, so I've been upgraded to a high risk of hyperstimulation. I've been put on bed rest for 3-4 days, and I have instructions to add two bottles of protein shake to the 40 oz of water and 60 oz of Gatorade I was already drinking each day.

So now my daily intake of fluids and medications goes something like this: a 5000 unit heparin shot, a large glass of Gatorade, and an antibiotic and breakfast; water and protein shake throughout the morning; baby aspirin, prenatal vitamin, and another large glass of Gatorade with lunch; more water and protein shake during the afternoon; antibiotic and a glass of Gatorade with dinner; a 5000 unit heparin shot and a 1 mL progesterone shot right before bed. And I'm supposed to add estrogen patches to all of that in a few days. Phew!

My three embryos, it's all for you! Please grow and stay awhile.

5-4-3... and let's just stop the countdown right there, please.

2009-05-29T18:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, the clinic called to let me know that, out of the 28 eggs retrieved, 25 were mature. They froze 20 and attempted to fertilize five with ICSI. Of those five, only four actually did fertilize.

Today, the clinic called to say that one of the four embryos had arrested at one cell, two of them had progressed to two cells, and one had progressed to three cells. The three still-growing embryos all showed some signs of fragmentation and were graded at B-. We're going ahead with a day-3 transfer tomorrow morning, and we'll transfer all of the embryos that are still developing.

When I first heard today's news, I was discouraged by the fact that we seem to have such poor quality embryos from this cycle. But then I remembered what I read and meditated on from Psalm 62 this morning. My soul waits for God alone, not for embryo development or a successful IVF. God is my refuge; I can pour out my disappointment in our embryo growth to him, and he won't let me be shaken by cell numbers or embryo grades. I can trust in him at all times, even when faced with what seems like a sub-optimal transfer, because all power and steadfast love belongs to him. And as Aaron reminded me when I called to pass on the embryo report to him, this could be an opportunity for God to show how great his power is by bringing a pregnancy out of even low-quality embryos. I still find myself needing to fight discouragement, but I'm trying to shelter myself in the Lord.

Please join me in praying that all three of embryos will be thriving tomorrow morning at transfer time, and that at least one of them would implant and become a healthy baby. Thanks, friends!

With all this talk of eggs, Aaron asked if I feel like a hen.

2009-05-27T21:35:00.003-05:00

Today didn't go quite as expected.

We showed up at the clinic at the requested 30 minutes before retrieval time. After a few minutes in the waiting room, they took me back to the prep room. Aaron was not allowed to come along. Once I had changed into the hospital gown, the IVF coordinator and the embryologist came in to confirm how many eggs we wanted to fertilize. I told them five and asked if the doctor had decided to go ahead with a transfer this cycle. The IVF coordinator had no idea what I was talking about.

While I've liked this clinic overall, my one concern is a sense that the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing; the personnel in different departments don't seem to communicate with each other very well. I've had to keep track of many of the details and advocate for my own care. Thankfully, I have enough experience under my belt to do so. But on egg retrieval day, it would have been nice if everyone was sharing information.

So the IVF coordinator scurried off the ask the doctor. Then she came back and brought me into the operating room. "What did the doctor say?" I asked. She replied, "Oh, he was interrupted by a phone call and couldn't talk." Um, this is kind of important stuff, determining whether we'd be fertilizing any embryos or freezing all the eggs. By now, I was on the operating table, getting an IV inserted and a blood pressure cuff and heart rate monitor put on, and having my legs tied into the stirrups. I desperately wanted my husband with me, but I comforted myself with the truth that God was with me.

Then the doctor came in. There I am, bound to a table by various tubes and tethers, feeling rather vulnerable. And Dr. Werthers starts questioning everything - saying we shouldn't fertilize more than 3 eggs, that maybe we shouldn't fertilize any, saying if we fertilized 5 eggs we might end up with 5 embryos which he absolutely could not transfer, and so on. I challenged him, asking what the odds were that we really would have all 5 eggs develop into viable embryos, bringing up our history. I asked him point blank for his recommendation, which he didn't want to give. I said, "We've been up front with you about our preferences from the start; why is this all coming up now?"

Finally, the doctor asked if I would like Aaron to come to the operating room so that we could make the final decision. When I said yes, he went off to the waiting room. In the meantime, the IVF coordinator started releasing me from the table so that I could sit up. As she did so, she kept rolling her eyes. "Are you rolling your eyes at me or at him?" I asked. "Don't let him pressure you," she said. "You go with your gut. You stick to your plan." Then the anaesthesiologist added a relaxer to my IV drip. "Your heart rate has gone up," he said. No kidding.

Dr. Werthers came back and said Aaron wasn't in the waiting room. (I had encouraged him to go get some lunch.) It was about 1:20 at this point, so time was becoming an issue. We needed to retrieve those eggs before the trigger shot induced ovulation. After a little back and forth and a couple phone calls to Aaron, we decided to go ahead and retrieve the eggs. When I woke up from the anaesthesia, Aaron and I would make the decision about fertilizing eggs.

The egg retrieval went smoothly. Remember how I said my follicles were immeasurable on the ultrasound? Well, they aspirated 40. From those 40 follicles, they got 28 eggs. No wonder I've felt so much more uncomfortable during this IVF!

Shortly after I woke up, Dr. Werthers came back and so did Aaron. Dr. Werthers seemed much calmer, and he said that fertilizing 5 eggs would probably result in 1-3 embryos, which he would feel comfortable transferring. We will go ahead with a transfer this cycle, Lord willing. My progesterone levels are borderline but not so elevated as to cause problems. With so many follicles, I am at some risk for hyperstimulation, but my estrogen levels are low enough that hyperstimulation is not too likely. At the IVF coordinator's urging, I'm drinking lots and lots of fluids to minimize the risk of hyperstimulation even further, trying to ensure that we will be able to transfer the embryos. I'm very achy and swollen, but glad to be through with the hardest part. I should get the first fertilization report tomorrow.

So all's well that ends well, I guess. I'm grateful for the presence and care of my good Shepherd today.

Egging Me On

2009-05-26T07:46:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow (Wednesday) at 1 p.m., my ovaries will be relieved of their eggs. And I do mean relieved; I feel so tender and swollen that I can't wait for freedom from the twenty-plus follicles crowding around inside me. Granted, I probably won't feel better immediately, but I'll at least be on my way back to some sort of normalcy. (Oh Lord, please let it be a new normal of pregnancy!)

At yesterday's appointment, my largest follicle measured 21 mm, with many others in the 16-19 mm range. The nurse suspects that even the ones that measured under 15 mm are probably really larger and containing mature eggs, but they're too squashed together to show their true size.

I did get some disconcerting news. My progesterone levels are elevated, which means Dr. Werthers may not want to do a transfer during this cycle. He hasn't made that call yet. If he does want to postpone transfer, we'll proceed with egg retrieval and freeze all the eggs. Then, next month we would do the same process as a frozen embryo transfer, only we'd be thawing eggs and fertilizing them. At first I was pretty disappointed that we might not get to do the embryo transfer right away. But then I realized that I would much rather be patient for another month or so than send our embryos into a hostile uterine environment. We'll see what the doctor says tomorrow about my progesterone levels and the plans for transfer...

Scheduling the retrieval time for 1 p.m. meant I had to take the trigger shot at 1 a.m. last night (this morning?). I've always used subcutaneous trigger shots in the past, but this clinic prescribed an intramuscular (IM) injection of HCG. So we set the alarm for 12:45 a.m., I sat on an ice pack for 10 minutes while I mixed the medicine and prepped the syringe, and then Aaron gave me the shot. It's been two years since he last administered an IM injection, but he did a superb job, especially remarkable considering how bleary we were in the wee dark hours. It was painless!

We appreciate all your continued prayers, support, and encouragement. I'll try to post an update tomorrow evening, once the grogginess of the IV sedation has cleared.

Immeasurable

2009-05-24T21:02:00.004-05:00

I had appointments yesterday and this morning, and I have another tomorrow morning. My largest follicle has reached 18mm, with a lot trailing close behind. I asked the nurse how many follicles I had, and she told me that the machine only allows her to record 11 measurements per ovary, and I have more than 11 follicles on each side. No wonder I'm feeling swollen and tender!

At this point, it's likely that the doctor will instruct me to trigger tomorrow night, with egg retrieval on Wednesday. But of course, I won't know with any certainty until after tomorrow morning's appointment.

I still have a hard time imagining a successful outcome from this IVF; two previous failures have set my expectations low. But a friend reminded me last week that God is "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think" (Eph. 3:20), and that has been coming back to my mind this weekend. I may not imagine a positive pregnancy test coming in a couple weeks when all of this is done, but the Lord's immeasurable power can do more than I can dream possible.

Closer

2009-05-22T17:43:00.003-05:00

Trigger time is getting closer, and that means my appointments are getting closer together. After today's bloodwork (right arm didn't cooperate) and ultrasound (follicles ranging from 7 to 13mm), the nurse thought I would need to come in again on Sunday and might trigger on Monday. This afternoon, I got a phone call saying the doctor wants to keep a closer eye on me, so I'm going in tomorrow morning. I was instructed to drop my Follistim dose down to 175 units and to continue all other meds at the same dose.

I've been feeling kind of "been there, done that" about this IVF cycle, but I'm starting to get a little excited about the possibilities now that I've reached the point of daily monitoring. We still need to decide about how many eggs to have fertilized, so I'd appreciate prayers for that.

Have a great weekend, friends! I'll probably post little updates after my appointments, and I'll definitely let you know as soon as we know the trigger and retrieval days.

What I Did After Monday's RE Appointment

2009-05-21T17:40:00.005-05:00

My friend from Texas, Amanda, visited last weekend; her husband surprised her for her birthday by sending her to Chicago. We had a wonderful time! Most of the time I forgot to take pictures, but I did take plenty on Monday, when Amanda and I drove into the city, walked around Millennium Park, and took a river cruise with the Chicago Architecture Foundation. Here are some of my favorite shots from the day.

Progressing

2009-05-20T10:01:00.002-05:00

Today's ultrasound showed signs of progress. Not much had happened when I went in on Monday, which is normal as the follicles develop slowly at first. This morning, the scan showed three 6mm follicles, five 7mm, one 8mm, and two 9mm (as well as some too small to measure yet). I've continued on 225 units of Follistim, 10 units of Lupron, and 10,000 units of Heparin (two 5,000 unit injections a day). Stretching across my stomach, the semi-circle of bruises from the Heparin resemble a snowman's coal smile, with my bellybutton in place of the nose. I'm definitely wearing the most comfortable waistbands possible; thank goodness for working from home! I go back for bloodwork and ultrasound on Friday.

Let's Catch Up

2009-05-15T18:03:00.002-05:00

So, a few things happened while I wasn't blogging.

I had another saline sonohysterogram, because Dr. Werthers thought he had seen a possible fibroid during the ultrasound at my initial consultation. Results: a free and clear uterus; no fibroids in sight.

The IVF coordinator called and said I could go ahead and start the month of suppression - a surprise to me, as I thought we would have to wait for more testing and further review of all my records. But I had no objections to beginning the whole IVF process sooner, so I started a prescription of BCP and we scrambled to get the rest of the blood work and testing done for me and Aaron. I also received the notorious big box of IVF medications, and I began the Lupron shots about two weeks ago.

I got more information about egg freezing (or oocyte cryopreservation, if you want to be technical). The out-of-pocket cost, while not insubstantial, seems worth it considering that it provides another option if the IVF doesn't work. Since we limit the number of eggs fertilized so as to avoid freezing embryos, oocyte cryopreservation means that the rest of the eggs I produce during an IVF cycle don't go to waste; we can save them for future fertilization, rather than having to go through the whole IVF process from scratch.

The clinic has recommended fertilizing 7 eggs; they say that should result, statistically, in 1-2 embryos to transfer but may leave some embryos to freeze, which is not acceptable to us. They also probably won't allow us to transfer more than 3 embryos. Ideally, we would like to stick with the guidelines of transferring 1-2 embryos, but we also want to know we will be able to give all of our embryos a chance to grow, if we happen to have an abnormally high percentage of viable embryos. We're leaning towards fertilizing 5 or 6 eggs. Fertilizing 4 in the past obviously resulted in nothing. Fertilizing 7 seems high, if we don't want to transfer a risky number of embryos. Fertilizing 5 or 6 should give us enough to aim for a blastocyst transfer of 1, 2, or 3. We're praying and will decide soon; we just need to let the embryologist know by retrieval day.

That all brings us up to today, when I went in for day 3 labs and a baseline scan. Everything looks good, so I decrease my Lupron and start Follistim tonight (10 units and 225 units respectively, for those who like those details). The doctor did decide to add Heparin to my protocol; it's a medication that increases blood flow and addresses any antibody issues, and it's common to use when a patient has a few failed IVF cycles. I had to get some extra bloodwork done for that, and then I had to track it down at a local pharmacy. I'll be on 5000 units twice a day. I go back to the clinic on Monday to see how everything's progressing.

IVF #3 is underway!

Yes, I really haven't posted since Easter. The blogging guilt is great, but I'm just going to pretend I haven't been gone.

2009-05-14T17:14:00.006-05:00

Guess what? I was blessed by Mother's Day this year.

(No, I'm not pregnant.)

I went to church with the usual expectations: All the moms will be asked to stand, everyone will clap a lot, I will sit and feel a knot in my stomach and a desire to sink into the floor.

During the singing time at the beginning of our church meeting, I tried to prepare my heart. We sang songs with a focus on the spread of God’s kingdom and glory, asking him to “use us as You want, whatever the test.” That reminded me that my trials are about something bigger than myself. In ways I can’t always see, he is using the troubles in my life to spread the gospel. As we sang, God brought to my mind these words from 2 Cor. 4:

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

What a precious reminder that while I am afflicted, perplexed and struck down by infertility, I am not crushed, driven to despair, forsaken, or destroyed. Not even on Mother's Day. I was encouraged to think of that moment of sitting down while mothers were honored as a small way of dying to self and sharing in Christ’s sufferings, and as a way to show the life of Christ in me by sitting in peace rather than in shame or self-pity.

But God still had more encouragement in store for me.

Our church is in the middle of a series on Proverbs, and that morning we skipped ahead to Proverbs 31. Tab (our senior pastor) shared some words of praise for various moms in our church that their husbands had sent in at his request. But then he highlighted three single ladies (one with a teenager, one with grown children, and one who has never married or had kids) and how they have been fruitful women. My heart lifted to know that those of us ladies who are in the demographic minority among the women in church were remembered and honored. Then, at the end of his message, Tab asked ALL the ladies – young, old, single, married, moms or not – to stand and be honored and prayed for. I started crying happy tears. For the first time in five years, rather than battling for faith during the entire Sunday morning of Mother’s Day and feeling isolated by the lack of children that I so desire, I experienced a Mother’s Day at church where I felt uplifted and encouraged and joyful.

I'm so grateful for such a tangible reminder of God's favor for me, secured to me by his Son!

*****************************

For another, better post on Mother's Day, please read Molly Piper's "Do you want to die this Mother's Day?" If you've lost a child or experienced infertility, you'll identify and be spurred on. If you haven't experienced either of those things, it will help you understand a little bit more of what goes on in the hearts of your friends who have.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T08:49:00.001-05:00

There in the ground his body lay,
Light of the world, by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as he stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am his, and he is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

(from "In Christ Alone")

What Have I Done?

2009-04-10T09:01:00.004-05:00

(After reading the crucifixion accounts in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John this morning, I thought I'd try meditating in a poetic form. Here's a second-ish draft of what I wrote. May your Good Friday be full of time to reflect on the Savior's cross with horrified sorrow and grateful awe.)

When he tried Jesus
Pilate asked,

What evil has he done?
I covet,
a toddler bully
biting kids with toys.

What evil has he done?
I indulge,
a lazy teen
refusing to leave bed or do chores.

What evil has he done?
I judge,
a college co-ed
knowing just enough to think
I know more than everyone.

What evil has he done?
I dictate,
an arrogant executive
demanding my plans fulfilled.

What evil has he done?
I resent,
a bitter old lady;
nursing home, nursing grudges.

What evil has he done?
None
but mine.

I – mocking – cry
Crucify him!
I – penitent – weep
Have mercy!
Crucify him.

HI Day 2: Just Beachy

2009-04-01T17:14:00.008-05:00

We started the morning on Sunday with gobbled greetings from our new turkey neighbors.

Then we spent several hours at Hapuna Beach (where my mom and I read, my dad hid from the sun, and Mark and Aaron played Frisbee).

After we cleaned up, my parents treated us to a gourmet dinner at Merriman's.

The End (of day two, at least)

HI Day 1: To Market, To Market

2009-03-31T17:03:00.012-05:00

My parents and brother had their travel to Hawaii delayed by one day, so Aaron and I were on our own for most of Saturday. Our condo in Waikoloa Village overlooked a golf course, the foothills of mountains, and the ocean.

The property was also home to wild turkeys.

After taking a few pictures, the first order of the day was to find food. We visited two local farmers' markets (a tiny one in Waikoloa Village and a bigger one in Keauhou), which were full of exotic produce.

After lunch, we explored Holualoa, a little town full of art galleries and boutiques. A highlight was the ukelele shop, housed in the town's old post office.

We finished the day by picking up my family from the airport, celebrating their arrival by giving my mom a lei.

Humor Me and Pretend It's March 12

2009-03-30T17:10:00.004-05:00

Here's what I intended to post that Thursday, before silly things like packing for our trip got in the way.

The point of the photo is not to preserve our packing list for posterity, but to say, "Look, I can take frivolous pictures now and publish them on the Internet with ease, because I have a digital camera!" Just before our Hawaii vacation, we used a slew of horded gift cards to purchase a Nikon D40, along with an 18-55mm lens and a 55-200mm lens. We love it!

So even though the packing list post is outdated now, I thought it would still serve as a good introduction to the Hawaii vacation photoblogging about to come.

Unfulfilled

2009-03-10T08:12:00.003-05:00

We sang the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" at church this past Sunday. The lyrics flooded me with memories and emotions. Five years ago, I wanted desperately to start trying to conceive, but Aaron thought (and I agreed logically) we should wait one more year. During that year, I listened to "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" many times. The words encouraged my faith in God's plans and gave me hope.

Hast thou not seen
How thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Surely," I thought, "the Lord will grant my desire for children. I can be patient for a year until we can start trying to get pregnant." So I waited, and I hoped. We finally started trying to conceive in January of 2005. We were still trying in 2006. 2007. 2008. Now in 2009, I sang the same hymn, and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Hast thou not seen
How thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"No," I thought, "I haven't seen that. I've seen my desires denied again and again. I haven't been healed. I don't have children. God hasn't granted my desires; He has deferred my hope indefinitely." The words of praise that had previously offered such a balm now brought a surge of grief and weariness over how long this trial of infertility has lasted. So much longer than I ever expected. No clear end in sight. As we kept singing, I was reminded that the proof of God's goodness lies not in my circumstances but in the cross, not in giving me everything I want but in giving me Himself. But still, I ache with the unfulfilled yearning for children.

Roaming

2009-03-06T08:54:00.002-06:00

Thanks again to all who are praying for Aaron's dad. We had a good visit in West Virginia. John ended up staying in the hospital through Sunday, and now he's recovering at home. I'm sure he and Carolyn (Aaron's mom) would appreciate ongoing prayers for endurance during the long recovery (6-8 weeks). We're grateful!

On an entirely different note...

We leave a week from today for a vacation with my family - in Hawaii! None of us has ever been to Hawaii, so we're very excited. We're staying on the big island, in Waikoloa. After browsing through a travel guide, we have some good ideas of what we want to do (besides relax on the beach, of course!). But I'd like to throw it out to you, Internet: does anyone have recommendations for things to see and do on the big island? Suggest places to eat, too; we love food! We planned this vacation almost two years ago; I can't believe we fly out next week!

Going to WV

2009-02-27T13:45:00.002-06:00

We're heading out to West Virginia to spend the weekend with Aaron's family. John seems to be recovering quite well; it looks like he'll be dismissed from the hospital tomorrow, several days earlier than we were told. Thank you for all of your prayers for him and for the family. Please pray that we would have safe travel this weekend and that we would be able to serve Aaron's parents during our time with them. Thanks!

Pray for Aaron's Dad updated

2009-02-24T17:01:00.004-06:00

I'd like to ask you all to pray for my father-in-law, John. He is currently having emergency open-heart surgery to bypass five blocked arteries (the blockages were just discovered this morning and the doctors needed to operate immediately). They began the operation earlier this afternoon and don't expect to be done until late tonight. It has caught the entire family by surprise and shaken everyone. Please pray that John will be sustained through the surgery and that the procedure would be a success. Please also pray for Aaron's mom, Carolyn, and for the whole family to have peace. We're grateful that God has preserved John's life and allowed these blockages to be found before any sort of heart attack occurred, but we're also all tempted to be anxious. I will update here as soon as we hear more news. Thanks for praying; I feel privileged that I can marshal so many people to pray all at once on this dear man's behalf!

*UPDATE*
We just got the call that Aaron's dad is out of surgery, much sooner than expected. He ended up "only" having quadruple bypass surgery (instead of bypassing five arteries as doctors originally thought was needed). Carolyn will get to see him in recovery soon. John will have a four to five day stay at the hospital, and then a long recovery at home. We'd appreciate your prayers for his continued health!

Fifth Doc's a Charm (Bullet Style)

2009-02-09T20:26:00.002-06:00

Positive

RE #5 is an affable, grandfatherly man; henceforth, he shall be known as Dr. Werthers.
Dr. Werthers called our religious convictions about not freezing or discarding embryos "laudable."
Dr. Werthers also seems to have a subtle, sarcastic sense of humor. I never knew for certain if he was joking or not, but he peppered his remarks with little asides (with his nurse as straight man). For example, while running through my history of doctors, he said something to his nurse about how many women like Dr. [Ego], how Dr. [Ego] is very handsome and knows it.
Speaking of the nurse, she also seems caring and personable.
The intake questionnaire, consultation, and exam were far more thorough than the other two clincics' were; my appointment lasted at least an hour and a half (not including time in the waiting room before the appointment even started).
Dr. Werthers actually engaged in dialogue and took my opinions and preferences seriously.
The doctor and nurse are hopeful that we can do egg freezing in conjunction with IVF and will do all they can to get insurance approval.

Not-So-Positive

During the ultrasound exam, Dr. Werthers saw what could be a fibroid in my uterus. He'll look into it further once he has seen my X-ray films from last year's HSG.
Every doctor I've seen now has offered a different explanation for our infertility. Dr. Peppy attributed it to a luteal phase defect. Dr. Owlish called it unexplained, possibly caused by mild endometriosis. The possibilities Dr. Werthers threw out: PCOS (!?... I have none of the normal indications for that), elevated male hormones (!? again... not exactly what a girl wants to hear), this potential fibroid, poor egg quality, etc. Now I know he's just brainstorming and wouldn't actually diagnose any of those things without further testing; but still, it doesn't inspire confidence that no doctor has agreed about the reason we can't conceive.
Dr. Werthers still recommends transferring no more than two embryos for a woman my age, even with our history of failed IVF. He'll study our previous embryology reports, but his initial recommendation is to fertilize 3-5 eggs and then make a decision about how many to transfer based on embryo quality. We'll have to keep negotiating to find the right balance between being cautious (no, I don't want octuplets) and aggressive (I don't want to squander our remaining 2 IVF cycles, so I want to fertilize more eggs, but we are firm about transferring all living embryos).

What's Next

Track down remaining records to fax to Dr. Werther (embryology lab reports, HSG X-ray films, most recent semen analysis).
After they review those records, the nurse will call about any further testing needed.
Figure out if egg cryopreservation is a viable option (will insurance cover the IVF cycle that yields the eggs? how much would we have to pay for cryopreservation and subsequent fertilization and transfer?).
Do IVF, possibly adding heparin as a can't-hurt-might-help medication.

Chicken Roulades with Sage and Bacon

2009-02-05T19:53:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted any recipes in a while, so here's one for your weekend enjoyment! I adapted this from a recipe in The Silver Spoon.

Chicken Roulades with Sage and Bacon

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 tsp dried rubbed sage*
8 strips bacon
2 tbsp olive oil
salt & pepper

Cut each chicken breast in half, then pound to about 1/2" thick (place the chicken inside a plastic bag or between two sheets of wax paper to keep from splattering). Lightly sprinkle sage on one side of each chicken breast half; season with salt and pepper. Roll up each piece of chicken, and wrap one slice of bacon around each roll. Heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat. Place the roulades in the skillet so that the ends of the bacon are on the bottom. Cook, turning every 2 minutes, until browned all over. Cover and cook over medium-low heat for about 20 minutes, adding 1 tbsp hot water if skillet gets too dry.

*The sage has a strong taste; sprinkle sparsely, as you need less than you think. You might need slightly less or more than 1/2 tsp.

Houston, We Have a Plan!

2009-01-29T19:21:00.002-06:00

My sidebars are woefully out-of-date (new blogs and links need added, the reading list needs updating), but you might notice a change in the "Next Step" feature over there on the left. That's right, I've scheduled a consultation with my fifth RE for February 9. Back when we first started trying to get pregnant, I certainly never thought we'd be sitting here four years, seven IUIs, two IVFs, and five reproductive endocrinologists later...

Over the past few months, we've been weighing our options and being weighed down by them. IVF, donor embryos, adoption in some form, stepping away from active family building for a while - if you spin out all the variables, we had about six or seven possibilities on the table. When people have asked us how to pray, we solicited prayer for discernment among all the choices and unity in whatever decision we made.

A little over a week ago, those prayers were answered. During a dinner date, we talked over the options and felt no closer to decision or action. We left to go home; I got into the car while Aaron brushed snow and scraped ice off of all the windows. As I sat in the passenger seating waiting, a sudden shift in thinking made the way clear. You see, we had essentially sorted the possibilities into two categories: the medical category (containing procedures covered by our insurance) and the adoption category (containing domestic or international adoption). Oh, and there was also a do-nothing category. Anyway, we have two more cycles covered by insurance, and we had been debating between doing fresh IVF or using donor embryos for a frozen embryo transfer (FET). The revelation on that date night was this: the donor embryo option really belonged in the adoption category, not the medical category. If the Lord leads us to adopt, then we can consider whether to adopt at the 100-cell stage, the newborn stage, or the todler stage. If we want to exhaust our insurance coverage, we ought to use it for IVF, our last realistic chance at biological children and a procedure that we could never afford without the insurance coverage. (FET costs quite a bit less than IVF, and if we choose to adopt, we'd be fund-raising for that regardless.) Looking at the options in that new light, Aaron and I both feel confident that our next step is to try IVF again.

That leads us to the consulation with RE #5, whom I'm hoping will work within our convictions and desires to fertilize a limited number of eggs (maybe six?) and transfer all the resulting viable embryos. This clinic (which I had called way back when we originally left the care of Dr. Peppy) seems more familiar with couples in our situation. They even have an egg-freezing program, which may not be a workable option for us but which at least indicates a degree of flexibility that I haven't seen with the last two doctors. Still, we won't know for sure until I've actually met with this doctor, so please pray that he will actually be amenable to our preferences. We're grateful for the prayers that brought us to this point and excited to have a plan of action again!

2009 minus 1980 equals

2009-01-26T08:47:00.009-06:00

Today I turn 29. Aaron jokingly called it the age I'll be for the rest of my life. Truly, I hope that I'm never abashed by my age, that I never wail about getting old, that I never wistfully long to be in a different decade of my life. I want to live every year to its fullest, with joy and grace. But, I would really like to be a mom by 30. Please, God?

Aaron took me out to celebrate on Saturday. We went to a cozy French restaurant for lunch (tea, souffle, and crepes; yum!). Then he took me to pick out a Dutch oven; I've wanted one for ages, and we found a great deal on this one. I can't wait to cook with it!

I'm settling in for a quiet, low-key day now. Aaron, sadly, is out of town on an unavoidable business trip. It's my regular day off of work, but I do have some lesson-planning and grading to do for the homeschool co-op where I teach once a week. I slept in a little, then I made a tasty breakfast of steel-cut oatmeal with honey, cranberries, and pecans. I think I'll treat myself to a bath at some point, and I have a couple of presents from my parents to open. Aaron kept urging me to set up a lunch date with girlfriends or something, but a restful day at home appeals to me.

This morning, I read and meditated on Mark 8:34-36. I pray that this last year of my twenties would be one in which I learn to embrace my cross with greater faith, to deny myself and find the immeasurable gain of Christ and the gospel.

Lost in Translation

2009-01-07T17:06:00.002-06:00

When Aaron and I started dating, I had fun discovering some of his unique, West Virginia style pronunciations. We laughed most together about the way he said, "color." He pronounced it the way most Americans say, "collar." We joked about the difficulties of being "collar-blind," as in, "I can't tell if you're wearing a turtleneck or a polo; I'm collar-blind." Though almost a decade in the Midwest has standardized Aaron's pronunciation of "color," we still giggle when we think about collar-blindness.

Aaron's mom, Carolyn, has lived all but a couple years of her life in West Virginia. She has an endearing accent, and I enjoy listening to catch all the variations. One of my favorites is any word ending in the letters, "ush," which she pronounces, "oosh." So "push" is "poosh," and "bush" is "boosh." That last particularly tickles me when Carolyn has talked politics over the last several years; I get a kick out of hearing her say the name of President "Boosh."

During our Christmas visit to West Virginia, I helped Carolyn do some last-minute shopping for one of Aaron's three sisters, Laurie. Aaron's younger sister, Rachel, was with us, too. Laurie had requested V-neck shirts in jewel tones, so Carolyn, Rachel and I browsed through a department store in search of the right kind of tops. I pointed out some bright button-up blouses to Rachel, thinking that leaving the top few buttons undone would create a V neckline. Rachel commented that she didn't think Laurie liked collared tops, since she had advised Aaron's oldest sister, Esther, not to wear polo shirts. I made a mental note and wandered over to see if Carolyn had found anything. When I reached her, she gestured towards a rack of vibrant blouses.

"What do you think of these?" she asked.

"Well," I replied, "they are pretty, but Rachel told me that Laurie doesn't like collars."

Carolyn turned and spoke vehemently. "Yes, she does! She asked for jewel tones!"

I blinked, startled at the non sequitur. Then it clicked. Gesturing with my hands as if grabbing imaginary lapels, I said, "No, collars. She doesn't like collars."

What Veronica's Brother-in-Law Said

2009-01-05T21:03:00.002-06:00

Here's some recommended reading for you. Over at Toddled Dredge, Veronica's brother-in-law wrote a moving post about how suffering binds us to God. And when you're done, take time to read the entire Toddled Dredge Twelve Days of Christmas series; it's become an annual favorite for me. Rich stuff.

New Year

2009-01-01T12:16:00.002-06:00

Welcome, day one of the new year. Welcome, day one of a new cycle. Welcome, day one of our fifth year of trying to conceive. Sigh.

During the Christmas season, I found myself mulling over this verse from "Joy to the World":

No more let sins or sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground.
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as the curse is found.

The curse is found right here in this broken body of mine, this frail flesh that can't create and carry life like it's intended to do. I've had four years of growing sorrow, four years of the stinging, prickly thorn of infertility. How I would dearly love for His blessings to flow in a reversal of my barrenness, for the Lord to say, "No more!" to this trial. I don't know if that will happen in 2009. But he has said, "No more!" to my sin, has turned my soul into a fruitful garden, and has given me every spiritual blessing in Christ. That's more than enough for a very happy day and happy new year.

Hiatus

2008-12-20T07:02:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas!

We leave today to spend a week in West Virginia with Aaron's family. I'll be taking a break from the series on battling bitterness while we're gone, but I'll resume when we get back home.

Battling Bitterness, Part 5

2008-12-15T08:46:00.002-06:00

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).

Knowing that I am forgiven and chosen in love by God to be holy, I can seek to replace my bitter tendencies with other practices, as this passage in Colossians instructs. I can put on a compassionate heart that recognizes the struggles and challenges of those who tempt me to bitterness. I can consider how to show kindness toward those people, thinking of small or large acts that could bless them. I can cultivate humility, instead of the pride that is so quick to take offense because I think I deserve better treatment. I can respond with meekness, a quiet trust in God instead of a brazen assertion of my rights. I can exhibit patience, graciously enduring the failings of others because I know that I too fall short. It's helped me to take time to think of each of these traits and how I can apply them to each specific relationship where I struggle. How can I show compassion to this person? How can I be kind to that person?

All of the above - compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience - I can fool myself into thinking I can behave in those ways self-sufficiently. But the call in the latter part of the passage confronts me with my need for the Spirit to do a dramatic work in my heart. Compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience are worthless without love. It often feels impossible to truly love those against whom I have been cherishing bitterness. I have to cry out to God to give me love for those people. But my blood-bought peace with Christ calls me to the peace of Christ with others. And when that peace rules in my heart, when I am held in sway by the gospel, then I have the best source of love. These abstract (but not inconsequential!) thoughts get teeth in the last snippet of the passage: And be thankful. If, rather than rehearsing bitter complaints against certain individuals, I thank God for those people and even try to thank the people themselves for whatever I can, I will grow in love for them. Purposing to be grateful forces me to look for the good in people, which will weaken bitterness and water the seed of love.

Battling Bitterness, Part 4

2008-12-09T06:37:00.002-06:00

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).

Bearing in mind the awesome blessing of being God's holy, chosen beloved, let's move on through this passage. The next part that really affected my thinking about bitterness was this: "if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other." Notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say, "If you think you have a complaint against another, just pretend it doesn't exist and ignore your wounds." It also doesn't say, "If you have a complaint against someone, forgive him when he has appropriately received punishment and groveled in repentance." God doesn't ask us to overlook injustice; we can acknowledge the fact that people do wrong us. But God doesn't want us to whine about, to take revenge on, or to hold a grudge against those who offend. He wants us to forgive freely and unconditionally. How is that possible? When someone hurts me in small ways over and over again, or when someone commits a staggering betrayal of me, where do I find the ability to forgive? "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." The Lord forgave me freely and unconditionally. "While we were still weak, Christ died for the ungodly ... while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:6,8). God didn't wait until I acknowledged him, until I got my act together and did the right things. No, when I was ignorant of the wrongs I had done to him, when I was willfully choosing sin, when I was offending and mocking him, he forgave me sacrificially and completely. And that's the kind of forgiveness he calls me to extend to people who injure me.

Battling Bitterness, Part 3

2008-12-08T08:08:00.002-06:00

So now I knew where I stood. I was cherishing bitterness because I was functionally ignoring God's forgiveness and love. And I knew where I wanted to get. I wanted to revel in the gospel so deeply that I couldn't help but leave bitterness behind. I wanted grace instead of grudges. How would I get from Point A to Point B?

In the footnotes of that section of A Gospel Primer, the author referenced three Scripture passages that would become my route to renewal.

One of those passages came from Colossians 3 (more on the other two passages in a future post). I ended up spending some time over several weeks meditating on and memorizing the following verses:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).

Before launching into application of these words, I found in them a reminder to stop and dwell in the astonishing mercy of God. There are seven words that at first glance seem like an inconsequential clause, a phrase to gloss over as you get to the business of the instructions at hand. But these seven words are the primary business, the basis of everything else in the passage. I was arrested by these seven words: "as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." God chose me to be his own before he even created the world (see Eph. 1:3-4). I am holy in Christ, and his Spirit sanctifies me. The Lord loves me, not because I am lovely or lovable, but because he has a great passion to claim sinners. Knowing that Jesus died to make me chosen, holy, and beloved, how much easier is it to put aside bitterness and love others?!

I'll stop there for now, but I'll share more of my meditations on Col. 3:12-15 soon.

Battling Bitterness, Part 2

2008-12-04T17:32:00.002-06:00

As I first sat down to consider how I could put off bitterness and put on love, I didn't know quite where to begin. Having just gotten the book A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent, I decided to thumb through it and see if anything pertained to my struggles. From a section entitled "Stimulated to Love Others," I read the following:

When my mind is fixed on the gospel, I have ample stimulation to show God's love to other people. For I am always willing to show love to others when I am freshly mindful of the love that God has shown me. Also, the gospel gives me the wherewithal to give forgiving grace to those who have wronged me, for it reminds me daily of the forgiving grace that God is showing me.
Doing good and showing love to those who have wronged me is always the opposite of what my sinful flesh wants me to do. Nonetheless, when I remind myself of my sins against God and of His forgiving grace toward me, I give the gospel an opportunity to reshape my perspective and to put me in a frame of mind wherein I actually desire to give this same grace to those who have wronged me (emphasis mine).

In my bitterness, I was far from desiring to give grace to those who wronged me. I wanted to give the silent treatment, or sarcastic cutting remarks, or a stern lecture. To really defeat bitterness, I needed not simply to resist making those remarks or turning a cold shoulder. I needed a complete change of attitude. What could make that change? I needed to spend time reminding myself of the gracious, forgiving love God has shown to me. I wronged him, sinning against him in pride, in selfishness; how did he respond? He did not shut himself off from me, roll his eyes at me, speak or act harshly to me. No, he sacrificed himself, so that I could be his friend rather than his enemy. When I revel in being forgiven and loved in Christ, then I will actually want to forgive and love others.

So now I knew where I stood. I was cherishing bitterness because I was functionally ignoring God's forgiveness and love. And I knew where I wanted to get. I wanted to revel in the gospel so deeply that I couldn't help but leave bitterness behind. I wanted grace instead of grudges. How would I get from Point A to Point B?

In the footnotes of that section of A Gospel Primer, the author referenced three Scripture passages that would become my route to renewal. I'll address those next...

Battling Bitterness

2008-12-03T17:04:00.002-06:00

Earlier this fall, I began to recognize some bitterness in some of my relationships. When particular people committed petty offenses against me, I would react out of proportion. As I sought to understand my responses, I saw that I was beginning to hold grudges, to keep a record of wrongs. Each slight dredged up resentment over any time that individual had acted inconsiderately or sinned against me in the past (at least according to my perception). I didn't want to forgive; I wanted to act in a way that punished the people who had hurt me. Thankfully, God opened up my eyes to this pattern of bitterness. Then, he provided time for a spiritual retreat, during which Aaron suggested that I focus on how I could grow in love for those toward whom I was tempted to be bitter. It's been a fruitful study, although I still need to pursue growth here. I'd like to take a few posts to share some of the ways I've sought to renew my mind, in case that would be a timely help to any of you. Coming tomorrow (Lord willing): the quote that kicked off my battle against bitterness...

If I Twittered...

2008-11-28T09:10:00.000-06:00

Tweeted? Whatever. Here are some random thoughts I might have posted this past week:

I'd like to thank the return of '80s fashion for the fingerless gloves that now keep my hands warm enough to type in my home office. about 4 days ago

Grrr. I hate it when I forget my tea is steeping. Now drinking a cuppa that brewed for 20 min. about 2 days ago

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T12:10:00.002-06:00

We're hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, and preparations are chugging along. Plan menu? Check. Buy groceries? Check. Mix up bring for the turkey? Check. Since I know I'll be busy in the kitchen for most of the day tomorrow, I thought I'd post this meditation on thankfulness today. I read it yesterday in A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent.

Thankfulness Enriched by Relief

The more absorbed I am in the gospel, the more grateful I become in the midst of my circumstances, whatever they may be.

Viewing life's blessings as water in a drinking cup, I know that I could discontentedly focus on the half of the cup that seems empty, or I could gratefully focus on the half that is full. Certainly, the latter approach is the better of the two, yet the gospel cultivates within me a richer gratitude than this.

The gospel reminds me first that what I actually deserve from God is a full cup churning with the torments of His wrath. This is the cup that would be mine to drink if I were given what I deserve each day. With this understanding in mind, I see that to be handed a completely empty cup from God would be cause enough for infinite gratitude. If there were merely the tiniest drop of blessing contained in that otherwise empty cup, I should be blown away by the unbelievable kindness of God toward me. That God, in fact, has give me a cup that is full of "every spiritual blessing in Christ," and this without the slightest admixture of wrath, leaves me truly dumbfounded with inexpressible joy. As for my specific earthly circumstances of plenty or want, I can see them always as infinite improvements on the hell I deserve.

When I look at any circumstance that God apportions me, I am first grateful for the wrath I am not receiving in that moment (The empty part of the cup never looked so good!). Second, I am grateful for the blessings that are given to me instead of His wrath. (Life's blessings, however small, always appear exceedingly precious when viewed against the backdrop of the wrath I deserve.) This two-layered gratitude disposed my heart to give thanks in all things and it also lends a certain intensity to my giving of thanks. Such a gospel-generated gratitude glorifies God, contributes to peace of mind, and keeps my foot from the path of foolishness and ruin.

I pray that you all have a gospel-generated intensity as you give thanks this holiday! Happy Thanksgiving!

Some Personal Additions to "What I'd Like for You to Know"

2008-11-25T07:01:00.002-06:00

A while back* when I pointed you all to the infertility edition of the "What I'd Like for You to Know" series at Rocks In My Dryer, one friend asked if there was anything I would add to it. Here are a few personal additions, but first a caveat. This is a list of challenges that are often overlooked. People can see when I'm doing well, and by God's grace I have grown in contentment amid infertility. Here, I'm addressing some specific temptations that you wouldn't be aware of if you haven't experienced infertility or a similar trial.

I don't just grieve over our inability to have a baby; I grieve over a whole set of dreams.
We don't have a baby. I've never been pregnant. But the ache of infertility isn't just about these efforts for a first child. We wanted to have a full family, maybe four kids. Even if we do ever conceive once, I know that won't be a magic bullet that kills off our infertility once and for all. One child would be a miracle, and I would be overjoyed. More than one child... well, that seems like too much to ask at this point. We will probably exhaust our arsenal of fertility treatments if we get pregnant. Or we will exhaust our finances (after having to scrape the funds together in the first place) if we pursue adoption. Infertility doesn't just mean we can't have one child; it means we can't have the family we hoped to have.

Milestones are bittersweet.
The anniversary we celebrated recently was delightful. We're grateful for every year of marriage. But I'm also very aware that an anniversary marks one more year that we haven't gotten pregnant or had a baby. When people enthusiastically say, "Happy anniversary! Wow, has it been six years already?!" - I welcome their kind joy for us, but I also think, "Yes, it has been six years, six years of just the two of us, many more years than we expected to be childless." My birthdays and Aaron's birthdays remind me that we won't get to be young parents like we wished. The new year means another year of disappointed hopes has passed, another year of trying to build a family has turned over.
And it's not just our own milestones. Your anniversaries cause pangs of jealousy; "Oh, they've been married for four years and already have two kids." Your children's birthdays can be the hardest of all. When you're celebrating your child's third birthday, I'm aware that you announced your pregnancy with that child just as we started trying to conceive. Your two-year-old? He was born during our first failed IVF cycle. If your baby is turning one, I'm steeling myself for the impending announcement of the next pregnancy. Now, we love you, and we love your kids. I sincerely do rejoice with you at your milestones. But they are also vivid reminders of what might have been, and what clearly isn't, in our family of two.

Stories of Joe and Suzy, who did (fill-in-the-blank) and then got pregnant, don't help.
One of the default attempts people make to sympathize and encourage when they hear about our infertility is to tell an anecdote of some other couple they knew. "I knew these people who couldn't get pregnant and they gave up trying, then seven years later they had a baby!" "Bill and Mary finally adopted, and then she got pregnant!" "The Smiths had twins through IVF, and then they conceived on their own four months after the twins were born!" I understand that those stories are meant to convey hope. But they don't. It would be kind of like telling a friend who just found out that she has breast cancer that you knew a guy who had prostate cancer that was cured by a little radiation. Misses the point, huh? Infertility has so many underlying causes - female factor, male factor, ovulatory dysfunction, endometriosis, thyroid disorders, poly-cystic ovaries, and so on. Your friends who ultimately got pregnant probably had an entirely different reason for their infertility, and so their success has about as much bearing on our situation as the case of prostate cancer would have to the case of breast cancer. It's much better to ask questions about our specific struggles than to offer a random story of so-and-so. (I would imagine that this would go for most health challenges or significant trials.)
Relatedly, it's also not helpful when you only offer blind optimism that ignores my very real doubt that we will ever have children. All of those types of stories mentioned previously have one common thread - the "happy" ending. When people assume we will get that same "happily-ever-after" to our story of infertility, it hurts more than it helps, because it misses the fact that a large part of the struggle is the uncertainty, the fear that our family will never grow. We've had people visit our new house and make comments about how certain rooms will make a great nursery someday; that's like salt in the wound, because we might never need a room for a baby. I need others to hope and have faith for me, but not at the cost of belittling the pain of how small that hope often feels. And not in a way that communicates that the only happy solution is the one where we get the baby. God will be faithful and will bless us even if we never have children.

Reaching across seasons of life should go both ways.
Most of my friends have children. Most of them have young children, which means they're in a season of life where motherhood is fairly consuming. Their thoughts and therefore their conversations tend toward what's going on with the kids. This increases exponentially when the conversation includes a group of moms. That's understandable, and I generally want to know what's going on with my friends kids and how they're enjoying or being challenged by being a mother. But I really appreciate those who are sensitive toward the temptations those types of conversations pose for me. It means a lot when a friend makes an effort to talk about the areas of her life beyond being a mother, or when she asks me about my life. It helps so much when someone steers a group conversation to a topic that everyone - including me - can discuss, or when someone pulls me aside after a talk-fest about kids' antics or schedules or what-have-you and asks how I'm doing or acknowledges that the conversation was probably hard for me.
At my church, we emphasize that our common bond is not in a season of life or in certain practices, but in the gospel. As the odd-woman-out, I often feel like the burden falls on me to make the efforts to find that unity in the gospel. I'll keep making those efforts, but I'm blessed when those in the majority resist the urge to rely on the common bond of circumstances and make those efforts toward unity a two-way street. (Again, this would apply to many different trials - to the single in a group of married women, to the public-schooler in a group of home-schoolers, etc.)

These few temptations aren't the whole story of infertility. And these temptations aren't necessarily constant. By and large, I have outstanding friends who are deeply sensitive, who have shown great kindness and made serious efforts to understand over these past four years. I'm so grateful for the gifts that I have even while I suffer - for my marriage, for my home, for my church, for grace to persevere. But hopefully this list will help you to understand some of the unspoken challenges and to learn how to extend even more compassion and comfort to those who need it.

*Two months ago, I noticed when I dug up the older post. Have I seriously been thinking about the question for that long? My blogging is finally starting to catch up with my thoughts... And sadly, thinking about this post for so long hasn't really made it well-written. Oh well.

Roasted Vegetable Soup & Salad

2008-11-21T08:12:00.002-06:00

We served this meal to friends recently, and it was a hit.

Spinach Salad with Roasted Fall Vegetables

for the roasted vegetables

1 medium squash (I've used butternut or acorn squash; butternut is much easier to peel! I think yams would work well, too.), peeled, seeded and cut into 1 1/2" pieces
1-2 baking potatoes, scrubbed and cut into 1 1/2" pieces (you could also use 1-2 lb new potatoes, halved or quartered)
1 onion (I like red), peeled and quartered
4-6 garlic cloves, peeled
2-3 tbsp olive oil
salt & pepper

Preheat oven to 450F. Divide vegetables between two rimmed baking sheets; toss with oil and season generously with salt and pepper. Roast 40-50 minutes, tossing vegetables and rotating baking sheets from top to bottom halfway through cooking time. Let cool to room temperature.

for the dressing

3 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tsp Dijon mustard
salt and pepper

Whisk all ingredients to combine.

to assemble the salad
Toss 1 lb baby spinach in dressing. Place spinach on plates, then top with roasted vegetables and cheese, if desired (feta or goat cheese work really well).

Roasted Vegetable Soup

6 beefsteak tomatoes, halved and cored
2 leeks, rinsed well, white and pale green parts cut int 1/2" pieces
2 carrots, cut into 1/4" pieces
4 garlic cloves, peeled
2 tbsp olive oil
salt & pepper
about 30 oz vegetable broth (2 cans or one carton)

Preheat oven to 425F. In a roasting pan, toss vegetables with olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Roast in a single layer (tomatoes cut side down) for 1 hour. Use tongs to peel off tomato skins. In a large saucepan, bring vegetables, broth, and 1 cup water to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer 10 minutes. Puree with an immersion blender (or in batches in a stand blender). Serve hot; can be topped with fresh basil or Parmesan.

We like this meal with a good crusty bread. I roasted the vegetables for the salad first, then roasted the vegetables for the soup while the salad veggies cooled; the oven kept the kitchen toasty warm on a cold fall day! It makes a great meal for those with allergies or dietary restrictions (no dairy, egg, soy, etc.; just watch the ingredients on the broth, and leave the cheese off the salad). Enjoy!

When I Said "Warm Clothes," I Meant Clothes that Would Keep Me Warm, Not Clothes Appropriate for a Warm Climate

2008-11-18T07:02:00.003-06:00

Aaron and I had a truly lovely weekend away. We rested, we did some sightseeing, and we had extended time to talk and fellowship and enjoy our marriage.

On Friday, I flew into Buffalo, NY, and Aaron met me at the airport (he had been working last week at a conference in upstate New York). After checking in to our hotel in downtown Buffalo and relaxing there for a bit, we walked to an upscale restaurant where Aaron had reservations for us. I had an exquisitely delicious garlic soup that I absolutely must figure out how to recreate!

After sleeping in a little on Saturday (since we now get up at 5am most mornings, sleeping in meant not getting out of bed until 7:30, but that would have been 6:30 central time - still, it felt great!), we drove up to Niagara Falls. We crossed into Canada, found a place to park, then walked along the river to the falls. It was raining and foggy, so we didn't have a great view, but it was still pretty spectacular! After admiring the falls, we visited a greenhouse on the grounds of the Niagara Falls park, then we had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the falls. For the afternoon, we drove back to Buffalo and toured a Frank Lloyd Wright house (the Darwin D. Martin house). Since I have an interest in architecture and design, I found the tour fascinating. After the tour, we spent the rest of the evening relaxing at the hotel.

On Sunday morning, we went across the street to a local coffeehouse for breakfast, and we sat in their cozy chairs and spent extended time reading our Bibles and journaling. Then we returned to our room to pray together for a little while. We prayed specifically about Aaron's job and our family-building, the two areas where we're facing significant trials, and we asked the Lord to show us one step to take in each of those areas. After we finished praying, we packed up and went to the airport. As we waited to board our planes, we wrote our Christmas lists (they're coming, Mom & Dad!). Then we flew our separate ways - Aaron on to the next business conference in Arkansas, and me back home.

The Lord definitely answered the prayers for our weekend! We both feel restored from the busyness of these past several months and renewed to keep persevering in the months to come.

Getaway

2008-11-13T17:42:00.003-06:00

This Sunday will be our sixth anniversary. (If you haven't already seen it, you might enjoy the slide show I made for our fifth anniversary last year*.) Aaron is flying me off to some secret destination for the weekend (all I know so far is that I should pack warm clothes). I'm terribly excited and so ready to get away. We'd love your prayers for a weekend of rest in this busy season, and for us to have fellowship and fun together as husband and wife!

*You know, last year when I did NaBloPoMo. Things are a little quieter around the blog this November. See above re: busy season. So, so busy.

BooMama Heard My Cry!

2008-10-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess it probably wasn't really a response to my request for crockpot recipes. But...

BooMama is hosting a Souptacular Crockpotalooza today!

I haven't even begun to look through the recipes. Oh, except for the Elton John soup. Because, seriously, how can you resist the urge to click immediately on a link to something called Elton John soup? Anyway, I don't have any contribution to make to the Souptacular Crockpotalooza, but I'm excited to browse through all the links that BooMama is collecting and to find some new meals for our repertoire. You know, when I have time.

Another thing that requires time? Thinking. And blogging requires thinking. And I have no time, so no thinking, and no blogging. I did try to think while staring at a blank "Create Post" window for about 45 minutes yesterday morning. Hmm. Maybe those thoughts will become coherent enough to write soon.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Crockpot Recipes

2008-10-25T09:23:00.002-05:00

Fall is in full swing here, and I'm craving cozy comfort food. I want to use my crockpot more, but I have been making the same crockpot recipes for years and I'm ready for some variety. I checked out a slow cooker cookbook from the library, but I'd love to hear your favorite crockpot recipes! Please leave links or full recipes in the comments.

And because I'm a giver and not just a taker, you can find a couple of our favorite crockpot recipes here.

I Felt a Little Sheepish When He Said, "So, I'm the Fourth Doctor You've Seen?"

2008-10-22T08:36:00.003-05:00

On Monday, I saw a new doctor, to get another opinion after our less-than-pleasant consultation with Dr. Ego. I liked the new doctor quite a bit; he was sympathetic, ready to take my opinions into consideration, and eager to offer help. When he heard our position on not freezing embryos, he said that he did not think IVF would be worthwhile for us. In his opinion, the limitations imposed by fertilizing a small number of eggs make the risks of IVF outweigh the potential benefits. However, he tried to offer as many other options as possible. He asked if we would be open to using donor embryos and gave me a list of the embryos that they currently have available at their clinic. (He also informed us that insurance companies consider donor embryos cycles the same as fresh IVF cycles; that means we'd have to choose between dFET and IVF for our remaining two covered cycles.) He said that we could continue to do IUIs. He mentioned that, judging by our records, it's entirely possible that we could still conceive without medical assistance. And he directed me to an article that he had recently read that mentioned a Christian fertility doctor in Oklahoma (turns out he had his facts a little mixed up, but I appreciated the effort all the same).

All that to say, I definitely like this doctor's personality a lot, but Aaron and I aren't sure what to pursue next. We'll probably take a break for the rest of the year, regardless; we don't really want to squeeze fertility treatments into the next couple of months that are already full of business trips, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. In the meantime, we're praying for guidance as we consider all the possibilities. Do we look around for a doctor who will do IVF within our parameters? Do we try one of the other medical options, like donor embryos or more IUIs? Do we pursue adoption? Do we just rest as a family of two and wait to see what the Lord does?

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you" (2 Chron. 20:12).

"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hand" (Ps. 31:14-15).

Six Things, or a Partial List of the Last-Bite Rules

2008-10-16T19:33:00.003-05:00

Michele tagged me for the six things meme. Since I've already done a general response to a similar tag, I'm going to narrow my focus for this one. I have a quirk, when eating, of choosing my last bite before I take my first bite; this quirk is, judging by the comments I receive on it, both baffling and beloved to those who learn of it. I here present a list, by no means exhaustive, of the last-bite rules.

1. Bread (whether sandwich bread, a slice of French baguette, a muffin, etc.) must be eaten starting with the bottom crust and ending with the top crust - preferably not a corner, but a middle-section of the top crust. In order to ensure that eating bread in this order results in the best-possible last bite, one must, when buttering toast or spreading peanut-butter and jelly, apply the thickest coating of said toppings along the top crust of the bread.

2. When eating a salad, be sure to keep an eye out for when each tasty element (vegetable, fruit, cheese, etc.) dwindles down to its last piece. Save those pieces up and then collect them all on your fork for one scrumptious last bite full of the best contents of your salad.

3. After picking up a chocolate-chip cookie, scrutinize it for the spot with the highest concentration of chocolate morsels. (Hint: Looking at the underside of the cookie gives the best data.) Hold that part of the cookie in your fingers - but don't touch the chocolate chips and melt them! - and eat your way to that pre-selected, chocolaty-ist piece. (P.S. This reservation of the last bite by holding it between your fingers and gradually nibbling towards it applies to all hand-held foods, including breads in accordance with the dictates of Rule #1.)

4. Chips. Chips are tricky, therefore it is best not to eat them too often. In order to follow the last-bite rule of chips, one may be forced to over-indulge. The last chip cannot be chosen only by taste, not by sight. When eating chips, keep eating until you get that one with an extra burst of salty flavor. If you encounter this chip at only your second or third one, chances are you won't be ready to stop eating, so you will keep munching chips until you find the next chip with that special something. Make that your last bite; every other chip to follow will inevitably disappoint.

5. Main dishes, in all their variety, follow this general rule: get as much of the good stuff as you can in the last bite. Either look at the beginning for the part that appears to have the most flavor (seasoning, toppings, etc.) and mark it out for the end, or, in the case of pastas or soups, make sure as you eat to reserve pieces of the flavorful ingredients for the finale.

6. IMPORTANT over-arching rule of last-bite eating: If you are getting full, HEAD STRAIGHT FOR THE LAST BITE. Do not abandon the already-chosen last bite because you cannot make it there; skip everything else to ensure you have that savory finish before you can eat no more.

After reading this (partial) list of the last-bite rules, you may think I'm certifiably obsessive-compulsive. The thing is, I hardly think about these things as I do them; it's just an ingrained approach to eating. If you share a meal with me, you won't even notice that I'm doing it. However, if you spot me slightly tilting a chocolate-chip cookie and glancing at its underside, now you'll know what I'm up to!

I'll tag KC, Renee, Faith, and Stacey. You're it, ladies!

Passing

2008-10-14T08:01:00.002-05:00

Sorry to be gone from the blog for so long again. Aaron's grandfather died on Wednesday, so we've been in West Virginia for the funeral. It was a good time with family, remembering the long life of a 95-year-old patriarch. My family has been visiting us since last Saturday, so our trip to West Virginia was sandwiched by time with my dad, mom, and brother. They head back to Texas today. I'm grateful for the time with them, and it was nice to have them stay at our house instead of having to stay at a hotel. Now, life will return to its normal rhythms, and that's no bad thing either.

Wheeee! I'm Writing My Own Content Instead of Providing Links!

2008-09-30T06:23:00.002-05:00

I continue to be displeased by Dr. Ego and his clinic. Since Dr. Owlish left the practice, there has been a huge turnover among all the support staff as well (nurses, ultrasound techs, receptionists). Now, not only do I dislike my doctor, I also sense a general air of incompetence at the whole clinic.

A week ago Thursday, I showed up for day 3 blood tests and ultrasound. I had asked for an early appointment, because I teach at a homeschool co-op on Thursday mornings now. However, what normally takes 15-20 minutes took over an hour that day. First, I had to wait a while to be seen. Then, the nurse didn't have my charts and didn't know what to do. When she figured it out and started to prep my arm to have blood drawn, I asked if they were running all the extra panels Dr. Ego had suggested (Factor V Leiden, MTHFR, various antibody checks). Blank look. Eventually, I had to give them my copy of Dr. Ego's notes (which thankfully I still had in my purse) so that they knew what to do. After the nurse painstakingly coded all 5 vials of my blood, I waited again for an ultrasound. Finally, I was free to leave - at exactly the time I should have been starting my first co-op class.

That circus of an appointment cleared me to do the Clomid challenge test (a test to determine appropriate medication dosages for IVF). After five days on a high dose of Clomid (who knows what that has done to me, since I come close to overstimming on the lowest dose of Clomid!), I revisited the clinic for bloodwork. As I settled into the chair and rolled up my sleeve, the nurse (different than the previous one) said, "I have to draw about 6 vials today; do you want to lay down?" I asked what tests were being run. "Factor V Leiden, MTHFR, various antibody screening panels." I told her those had been drawn the previous week. She went back to check my charts and then returned to say there were no records of those tests being done. So it was all done again. Hmph. (I don't have results yet.)

Now I'm supposed to have a e-tegrity test done at the end of this cycle, to examine the enzymes in my endometrial lining. This test is not covered by insurance, so Aaron and I have been debating whether we want it done or not. However, it may be a moot point, because a precondition of the test is that I use OPKs (ovulation predictor kit) and call when the line darkens to indicate my LH surge. I've been testing every morning for the past four days, and the line is getting fainter, not darker. I tend to ovulate early (day 11-13), so I'm guessing the high dose of Clomid caused me to ovulate even earlier. I'll call the clinic later today and see what they want to do if that's the case.

In the meantime, I finally called another doctor yesterday. I had gotten a recommendation from a friend, but I haven't had the time or inclination to go through the hassle of setting up an appointment and getting a new referral. However, when I called this potential new doctor and my insurance company, I found out that my referral is global, not tied to a specific specialist. So I can see any RE I want (in the network) without having a re-issued referral. I can't believe how easy it is! My consultation is set for Oct. 20; I'll find out then if this other doctor will work with our preferences about IVF or not. Please pray that he will!

national what day?

2008-09-24T10:50:00.002-05:00

Carolyn McCulley has a fun post up today.

(She's also written some thoughtful posts recently on politics and the economy.)

Fertile People Are Talking about Us Everywhere!

2008-09-19T09:37:00.003-05:00

If you're not already following along, Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer has been running a series called, "What I'd Like For You To Know;" as Shannon says, "the idea behind this series is to allow women to share something about a specific life challenge or circumstance, addressing some of the misconceptions and (most importantly) telling us all how we can reach out better."

This week's edition of the series is about infertility, written by a woman who has experienced primary and secondary infertility as well as pregnancy loss.

A Mother of None on a Mother of Six on a Mother of Five

2008-09-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

As an infertile, married woman who works outside the home, I've struggled off and on over the past few years with feeling like a second-class citizen of the church. It's not that the church intentionally belittles me and my position; far from it. But in the rush to uplift the crowd of stay-at-home moms with small children, sometimes those in other seasons of life get unintentionally trampled. In the effort to counteract cultural criticism of stay-at-home moms, the church at large uses superlative language to praise stay-at-home moms that inadvertently leaves those Christian women who aren't in that season, for whatever reason, feeling like they don't measure up, don't matter as much. I know that moms staying home with young children do hard work and need encouragement. I know that the church has a responsibility to minister to that significant population within their bodies. But single women, barren women, elderly women, working women - they all need encouragement, too. So I was very refreshed, a little over a week ago, to read the words of a stay-at-home mother of six on this very topic. She of Amy's Humble Musings has written an insightful post on the issue of a woman's highest calling (it's a response to the selection of Sarah Palin as vice president on the Republican ticket, but it's not a political post). I'd encourage you to read the whole thing, but here's an excerpt:

I am a wife and mother. It is what God has called me to do. However, this is not true for all women. All women should NOT aspire to be a wife and mother. Instead, all women should aspire to present their bodies a living sacrifice to the Lord. God is glorified in us when we are satisfied with His will for our lives. This is why some marry, some stay single, some have children, and some are barren. Glorify God in your present circumstance, the one you are in right now, not in a future marriage that may or may not happen.

Any other gospel that makes the widow, the abandoned, the orphan, the poor, the single, or the barren unable to attain high favor (or a high calling with God, if you will) because of their circumstance is really no good news at all. The Lord is honored by our love and obedience to His Word, not in our ambition to serve in the “highest calling” as a wife and mother one day [emphasis added].

When Short on Time, Link

2008-09-11T20:05:00.002-05:00

Many bloggers have reflected today on the events of seven years ago. I really appreciated this post from GirlTalk (excerpting an article by CJ Mahaney).

I'm Ready for a Dietary Change. The Bread of Anxious Toil Tastes Stale.

2008-09-09T08:14:00.003-05:00

Since I last blogged, I've been baffling plumbers, buying a car, and burdened by busyness. I've been battling anxiety (mostly failing). I'm behind on everything.

But, God provided some space to breathe over the past couple of days. Perhaps soon I can return to regular blogging.

Thanks for bearing with me.

In an Attempt Not to Bias Readers, the Doctor Character Doesn't Get Named until the End. Also: Sorry, This is a Long One

2008-08-26T07:37:00.006-05:00

Scene: midday Monday at the offices of The Fertility Institute at Posh Hospital; a slightly nervous couple waits to speak about IVF with a doctor they have never met

Doctor: Hi, nice to see you. (shakes hands) So, why hasn't this worked yet?

Andrea: That's what we'd like to know.

Doctor: Well, we can't tell. You're young. All your numbers look great. You've had a number of mature follicles every cycle. Your sperms counts are fine. But IUIs only give a 17-18% chance of pregnancy. IVF, for patients your age, has a 70% success rate. So I really want to push things. I want to increase your dosage and get as many eggs as we can.

Andrea: But...

Doctor: Then I'm going to say we do IVF with ICSI. (spelling it out and speaking slowly while writing on a chart) That's intra... cytoplasmic... sperm... injection...

Andrea: Yes, we know. We've actually done two IVF cycles with ICSI at a previous clinic. (thinking to herself, "It's all in that fat stack of patient records you're holding; have you glanced at those?")

Doctor: Oh. (glancing at papers) I see that.

Andrea: When we did IVF before, we only...

Doctor: (back to the chart he's writing out) So we're going to run a bunch of tests first, to make sure we don't miss anything and we have the best chance of making this work. We'll do a Clomid Challenge Test, to determine the best dose of medications for you. We'll do some bloodwork to check for antibodies that would fight against pregnancy, and for blood-clotting disorders. We'll do one test - and this one isn't covered by insurance - to check for enzymes in your endometrial lining that would support a pregnancy.

Andrea: Okay, all those tests sound fine. But you should know, we don't want to freeze or discard any embryos. We want to fertilize a small number of eggs and transfer all the viable embryos.

(silence)

Doctor: Boy, kids. That really, I mean really lowers your success rates to almost nothing. I mean, I understand, I respect where you're coming from. But if you don't give me any out, I can only let you fertilize three eggs. What if they all fertilize? Three embryos is the most I'd be comfortable to transfer, and I can't take the risk of you having more than that.

Andrea: Well, when we talked about all this with Dr. Owlish, he told us that only one out of every five eggs has the genetic material to turn into a viable pregnancy. So he suggested we fertilize 6-8 eggs.

Doctor: Hmm, Dr. Owlish is usually more conservative than me. I can't let you do more than three. What if we end up with four embryos, and you have quadruplets? They'd probably have all sorts of disabilities. They wouldn't be able to take care of themselves, you wouldn't be able to train them. I would haunt you for the rest of your lives. Your lives would be a living hell.

Aaron & Andrea: ... Um, we know the concerns, but our history...

Doctor: I know my numbers. I can't do more than three.

Andrea: Look, we don't want high order multiples, either. But we fertilized four eggs at our previous clinic, and we only ended up with two embryos for a day 3 transfer for our first cycle, and one embryos that barely made it to blasocyst for a day 6 transfer for our second cycle. So doesn't that show...

Doctor: I know my numbers. We're better than your previous clinic. We have much higher pregnancy rates.

Aaron: But doesn't our track record have an influence?

Doctor: Every cycle is different. I know my numbers.

Andrea: So why, if we know fertilizing four of our eggs in the past did not result in four embryos to transfer, would it be different here?

Doctor: Better eggs. Better lab.

Andrea: Well, have you worked with patients who only fertilized three eggs before? What were the results?

Doctor: It runs the gamut. Some end up pregnant. Some don't make it to transfer. We don't have many patients who restrict us this way. I respect your position, but you have to respect that I know my numbers. I can't do more than three. You might be able to find another doctor in this area that would work with you, that would let you fertilize more eggs, but they don't have the success rates that I do. I'm sorry, kids; I know this isn't what you want to hear.

Andrea: (this is going nowhere; let's change the subject) So, we run all these tests during one cycle?

Doctor: Yes. (standing up to leave) So call on day one and we'll get you started.

Aaron & Andrea: Wait! Dr. Owlish also suggested donor embryos?

Doctor: Hmm, that's really rare. Nobody wants to do that.

Aaron & Andrea: more questions...

Doctor: more non-answers... Good luck! (exit)

(end scene)

So, how do you interpret the conversation? We were less than pleased. Whether he's right or wrong about the number of eggs we should fertilize (and I'm inclined to think he's wrong, because we know what happened with four eggs fertilized), he is not the kind of doctor I feel comfortable working with. Though this was the first time we met, he didn't do any introductions and he never addressed us by name. He didn't really listen to anything we said, and he seems far more concerned with his precious numbers than with the individual patients sitting in front of him. I'm trying, with mixed success, not to be angry at this doctor. I'm glad that my confidence is not in doctors but in God, who does hear me. Our plan, at this point, is to go ahead with all the tests (doesn't hurt to gather more information) while researching other doctors in the area and considering our next steps.

Oh, and I think the blog nickname for this particular medical professional will be Dr. Ego.

31 Words

2008-08-22T12:30:00.002-05:00

I was tagged by Mustard Seed Baby for this post. The rules state that I should answer each question with one word. I might cheat by hyphenating some!

1. Where is your cell phone? windowsill
2. Your significant other? charming
3. Your hair? wavy
4. Your mother? Dutch
5. Your father? Dutch
6. Your favorite thing? books
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your favorite drink? properly-prepared-tea
9. Your dream/goal? heaven
10. The room you're in? home-office
11. Your hobby? blogging!
12. Your fear? chidlessness
13. Where to you want to be in six years? here
14. What you're not? extroverted
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? this
17. Where you grew up? everywhere
18. The last thing you did? laundry
19. What are you wearing? skirt
20. Favorite gadget? immersion-blender
21. Your pet? none
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? weekend-ready
24. Missing someone? Wacoans
25. Your car? Ion
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Ann-Taylor-Loft
28. Like someone? Michael Kitchen
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? morning
31. Last time you cried? July?

Consider yourself tagged if you read this and want to give it a try. Happy weekend!

He Knows. He's Good.

2008-08-21T12:50:00.000-05:00

"...then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials..." (2 Peter 2:9)

I read that verse on Monday morning, before going in for my beta but knowing the results would likely be negative. That phrase, "then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials," is one full of implicit questions and answers about suffering.

When faced with affliction, most of us wrestle with challenging questions. Why has God let this happen? Why won't God stop this, take this pain away? Can God control the sorrow that batters me? If he can but doesn't, can I trust him?

We need, I need, to hold tightly to two handles. The first handle is God's sovereignty, his powerful ability to control all things in heaven and on earth. Nothing happens apart from his decision. The second handle is God's goodness. Many of us only have a grip on that second handle. I think that, within contemporary Christianity at least, the most common answer to questions about suffering is that God is good and loving and would put an end to all our problems if he could, but, well, he's just not strong enough to do that. I understand how alluring that seeming solution is, but that? Isn't God. And it's ultimately a sloppy sop of comfort. If God is powerful but not good, we're all in trouble. If God is kindly but impotent, our trials are hopeless. But, praise him, he is both! He is King, and he is Love. When I suffer, I have to hang on to both handles of God's sovereignty and goodness, dangling in the paradox of the space between them, mid-air in affliction but sure of the One to whom my soul clings.

The Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials. I am not stuck in the maze of infertility, following a God who doesn't know the way, can't see around the walls, and keeps running into dead ends. He knows how to get me out. He hasn't yet, but that's not because he takes sadistic pleasure in watching me scurry from bend to bend, corner to corner. It's because he knows the best way to rescue me. That way may be longer and have more twists than I would like, but the path that looks quickest and easiest to me would get me lost. He made the maze, and he'll lead me through it and out of it. He knows how to rescue me, and at just the right time, he will. He is a proven, wise, compassionate rescuer.

The Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials. He knows, and he's putting that knowledge to good use.

We Called It "The Dress Car." Because It Was So Fancy.

2008-08-20T17:19:00.003-05:00

Back in June, I wrote about how my first response to a day full of challenges was, "What next, Lord? Are you going to cause one of our cars to explode?..." Well, it turns out that was a strangely prescient though not altogether accurate thought. Today we found out that one of our cars was in fact on the brink of exploding!

Aaron's car had a leaking tire on Friday. He filled it with that fix-a-flat stuff and drove it home from work, but he noticed that it seemed wobblier than usual. Usual being not-wobbly, except when you go over a bump in the road. So we got a recommendation for a mechanic near our new home and made an appointment. "Brake problems," we thought, "or maybe suspension." Then the mechanic called. The back frame of the car is split in two. "If you had hit one big bump," he said (Hi! We live in the Midwest, where we grow pot-holes as big as Rhode Island! And we had the pot-hole-iest winter ever this year! And many of the roads haven't been fixed yet!) "...you could have punctured your gas tank and..." FIERY DEATH!!! "We don't recommend repairing the car," he went on to say.

I'm so grateful the Lord protected us from an EXPLODING CAR and FIERY DEATH!!!

Oh, Subaru, mostly green (though Aaron thinks you're blue) except in the parts where you got rusty (and Aaron patched you up and painted you... blue), we'll miss you and your 219,000 miles.

Anybody selling a commuter car for cheap?

I See Phelps's 8 and Raise Him 1

2008-08-18T16:54:00.006-05:00

That is, if I can set my nine* failed assisted reproduction cycles against his eight gold medals. It's hard to say which accomplishment required more effort, endurance, and sacrifice.

Today's results were negative, in case you didn't catch that.

I'm disappointed and wondering what comes next, but still in faith for whatever the Lord has in store for us.

I read these words this morning before I left for the clinic, words that I want to be increasingly true of me, words that are being worked in me by God through this lingering trial of infertility:

"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
(Psalm 73:25-26)

*ten, if you count the IUI that was converted to timed intercourse due to an insurance requirement being missed

Accept No Gospel Substitutes!

2008-08-14T17:56:00.003-05:00

A couple Sundays ago, Tab preached a most helpful message from Hebrews 9:15-28. You can listen to the message here. The main point was that, when it comes to relating to God, there is no substitute for the gospel, the finished work of Christ. We often think of the gospel as a one-time thing, what brings us to God when we first become believers. But the gospel isn't just the gateway of first-time access to God; it's the gateway for our everyday relationship with God. Unfortunately, we're all prone to substitute other things for the finished work of Christ, thinking we need to add to the gospel or move on to something new. Tab highlighted three "gospel substitutes;" I'm going to focus on two of them.

The first gospel substitute is self-reliance. We think there is something we can do, even have to do, that will bring us to God. Do you ever think that, because you didn't make time to pray in the morning, you can't be close to the Lord or get help from him on a certain day? Or do you think that you have to work up some specific emotion in order to connect with God while singing worship? That's the gospel substitute of self-reliance. That's forgetting that faith is not based on our works but on Christ's work. What's the remedy in those times when we think our relationship with God depends on something we do? We have to go back to the gospel. Jesus appears in the presence of God on our behalf (v. 24); he has a permanent place in heaven securing the way to God. We don't have to do anything to relate to God. We simply, completely rely on the access bought by Christ's sacrifice.

The second gospel substitute is self-atonement. This is the highly insidious belief that we have to make up for our sins before we can relate to God. As if we even could! Yet we give into the lie again and again. Here's what it looks like: We sin; then, we think we have to wait to draw near to God until we've stopped sinning. ("I can't pray for help when I still feel so angry at my husband!") Or, we think we have to wait to draw near to God until we feel forgiven. ("Yes, I confessed that sin to God. But he won't really forgive me and help me change unless I feel bad enough about what I've done.") Don't we all think those kind of thoughts? When we do, we're making our own (in)ability to atone for our sins a substitute for the gospel. What's the antidote? We remind ourselves that Jesus has appeared once for all to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself (v. 26). His once-for-all sacrifice leaves no room for any extra sacrifices we try to make to pay for our sins. What joy and freedom this good news brings!

I'm so glad to be at a church where I hear the regular call to accept no substitutes for the gospel. I've needed these truths during a busy season of moving, infertility treatments, and family visits. I'm going to continue needing these truths every day of my life, so that I can keep growing in the grace to rely on Christ and not myself.

Mixed Messages

2008-08-12T08:52:00.002-05:00

Last Wednesday, I visited the clinic for a post-IUI scan of my ovaries. The first time I did an IUI at this office, the nurse told me that the purpose of the ultrasound was to see if I was producing enough progesterone. If the ovaries measured above a certain size, that indicated sufficient progesterone production. If the ovaries measured smaller than the desired size, then an HCG booster shot would need to be administered. The nurse I saw this past week gave me a completely different interpretation of this scan and its purposes. According to her, my enlarged ovaries mean that I am slightly hyper-stimulated and that it is not safe for me to take the standard-protocol HCG booster. So according to the first explanation, a bigger ovary measurement is a good thing; way to go, ovaries, no more HCG needed! But according to the second explanation, a bigger ovary measurement is bad news; sorry, no more nice HCG for you. Which is it? I don't know. How much affect does it have on the ultimate outcome of the cycle? I don't know that either. But I'm content to wait and see; I go in for the beta on Monday.

"But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness."
(Psalm 69:13)

Learning How to Use My "New" Oven

2008-08-11T08:07:00.003-05:00

I declared the pork done when it caught fire.

Had I but Internet Enough, and Time

2008-08-11T07:54:00.002-05:00

Faced with technical difficulties (a dysfunctional laptop, an Internet connection that spontaneously swapped its user name and password with another account to the bafflement of the good people at tech support) and a full schedule when I wasn't trying to straighten those issues out, I was unable to post last week. Over the next few days, I plan publish the things I wanted to write last week, from the frivolous to the medical to the spiritual, in no particular order.

Laissez-Faire Attitude Exhibit B: I Took My Trigger Shot an Hour Late on Friday and Didn't Get Anxious about It

2008-08-04T09:04:00.004-05:00

Thanks to those who prayed for our IUI yesterday morning! The Lord mercifully caused things to go quite smoothly, despite the fact that we were exhausted when the alarm sounded and not eager for the whole IUI process. We didn't have as rushed of a morning as we often experience on IUI day. We made it to the clinic with ample time, and we were even seen early, which meant we could make it to church.

In keeping with my new, accidental laissez-faire attitude toward this cycle, I didn't pay too much attention to the report of the sperm counts for the IUI. They gave me numbers, but I honestly couldn't remember what the ranges are for good motility and post-wash count, and I didn't feel like asking. So the numbers were just... meaningless numbers. I started to look up the information this morning, then I decided that I didn't really have time to search around. Yes, knowing what kind of counts we had for this IUI might give me some idea of what to expect, but simply knowing the numbers and statistics won't affect the outcome of the procedure. So I'll just wait in blissful, distracted-by-settling-our-home ignorance.

As we sang yesterday morning in church:

We offer our lives to proclaim
What a Savior!

Anything can happen with this IUI, as long as it results in a proclamation of the greatness and kindness of Christ.

I Probably Didn't Really Have Time to Re-Write Showtune Lyrics, Anyway

2008-08-01T16:41:00.004-05:00

At this morning's follicle check and blood draw, the nurses thought I would likely be on Follistim and Repronex for another day, back for blood and ultrasound tomorrow, then probably scheduled for a Monday IUI. I had run out of Repronex, so I had to "borrow" some from the clinic in case I needed it tonight. On my drive home, I began composing alternate lyrics to the Les Miserables tune, "One Day More," to post as a description of the pending plan. I could hear the different sections - me, the patient, in place of Valjean, the nurses in place of the Thenardiers (no insult to the nurses intended; their instructions just fit the rhythm) - joining in a glorious, swelling medley of assisted reproductive technologies. When I stopped to fill up the tank of my car, I was trying to think of rhymes for "ovary," "Follistim," and "Repronex" - not an easy task. I filed the idea away to come back to after work.

Then I checked my patient voicemail box, and found out that the doctor actually wants me to stop meds, to take the HCG trigger shot tonight, and to come in for the IUI on Sunday. So much for my new Broadway hit! Please pray for us on Sunday morning.

(For those who like the numbers, here's the run-down: two 17mm follicles on the left, a few 13s on the right, and E2 at 1023.)

(Also, it bothers me that I don't have accent marks in the proper places for all the French words and names, but I don't have time to figure out how to do that right now; please imagine little slanted hash marks.)

Courtesy of Unpacking and Search Engines

2008-07-31T12:05:00.002-05:00

While unpacking some miscellaneous desk items, I unearthed a post-it note on which I had scribbled some of the odder phrases that led people to my blog through search engines. Without further ado, I present the list.

IVF and pepper (huh?)

OB-GYN Christmas jingles (huh? two times!)

perfect me heart motives (sanctification for pirates!)

entrusted picture dictionary (how would you draw a picture of "entrusted"?)

want to be infertile (trust me, honey, you don't)

arrested development in the emotions of an embryo (I... don't even know what to say about that one)

Those of you who've been following along for a while will be glad to know that people are still stumbling upon my site when looking for:

chicken reproductive system pictures

And now, also:

artichoke reproduction system

I hope the chickens and artichokes are more successful at reproducing than I've proven to be!

Oh Yeah, There's More to Our Lives than Home-Ownership

2008-07-29T17:00:00.003-05:00

So, not only did we move into our new house this weekend (hello, boxes that are still everywhere!), I also started medications and appointments for a new IUI cycle. A friend who was helping me unpack our kitchen laughed at the initial contents of our new fridge - a large jug of water, a bowl of leftover potato salad (from a night we had spent painting at the house), four boxes of Follistim, and one box of Repronex. Rather telling of our priorities at the moment!

I don't think I've mentioned this yet on the blog, but Dr. Owlish has left the practice (he moved to be closer to family, so I guess I can't begrudge him that). It was disappointing, as we had been so pleased to start seeing him, but we trust God's timing. I've been handed over to the other doctor at the clinic, but I haven't actually seen him yet (and may not for some time, who knows?). He's a very respected doctor in the field, nationally, so I assume I'm in good hands, but I don't know if we will click with him personality-wise in the same way we did with Dr. Owlish. Anyway, the new-to-me RE reviewed my charts from the cycles I did with Dr. Owlish, and he decided to add Repronex into the medicine mix. I don't really know what it does, but I've been too swamped with all the house stuff to worry about asking. It's another injectable drug, one that I mix myself. Then I squirt the Follistim into the same syringe, so I only have to give myself one shot total instead of one for each medicine. It makes for a lot of needle juggling, especially once I've sterilized things and don't want to set them back down! I've taken this combination of meds for three days now, and a check-up today showed dozens of small-to-medium follicles on each side (the largest were 13, 12, and 10 mm) and an E2 level of 202. I'll continue the same doses (75 IU of Follistim, 37.5 IU of Repronex) for three more days and go back for ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday.

It's kind of strange to have infertility treatments feel like an afterthought, amidst all the business of settling our new home, but I'm grateful for the temporary shift in focus. I pray, of course, that the upcoming IUI will be successful, but I have such abundant evidence of God's kindness all about me right now that it's easy to trust him for the future. No matter what happens, I know that he has positioned us well for whatever will come next.

Look at That! My House Matches My Blog

2008-07-23T08:55:00.005-05:00

Here are some pictures of our house! We put in some long days of work on it over the weekend. This week, we have contractors in to work on the basement and the hardwood floors. We move in on Saturday. I'll post a variety of before and after pictures of the interior soon.

After More Delays and Obstacles Than I Would Have Thought Possible

2008-07-17T09:16:00.001-05:00

We're buying a house this afternoon!

What are you doing today, big or small?

$50,000 to $0: How We Did It

2008-07-09T08:37:00.005-05:00

(Grab a cup of tea; this is a long one! I'm answering the questions about how we paid off our debt as a Works-For-Me-Wednesday post.)

Thanks for all the congratulations on paying off our debt! Several asked how we did it. It began when, a little less then a year into our marriage, our church hosted a Money Wise Workshop*, given by Tom Werth (now on staff at CrossWay Community Church in Kenosha, WI). At the time, ironically enough, Aaron had just lost his job, so we couldn't begin to apply much of the information until a few months later when he had full time work again. Still, we gained a conviction that being debt-free wasn't just preferable but biblical, and we learned some practical tips to send us toward that goal.

We had a credit card balance from our honeymoon, a handful of student loans (mine were consolidated, Aaron's weren't), and two car loans, all adding up to about $50,000, as best as I can remember. We didn't have a large income at all; that year, our combined earnings were about $45,000. I share that to encourage you that it can be done, even without a huge cash flow.

As our first step, we set up a thorough budget, based on our income after taxes and giving to our local church. We cut out just about every extra - clothes, eating out, etc. During that time, we asked our family, in lieu of regular birthday and Christmas gifts, to give us gift cards to favorite stores and restaurants; that helped to give us little splurges that we couldn't otherwise afford. We did what we could to keep our living expenses to a minimum (affordable rent on a small apartment; the most basic phone plan; no internet at home - we used the library; a strict grocery budget that sometimes meant we ate nothing but eggs, pancakes, and pasta at the end of the month).

Once the budget was in place, we asked some financially-sound friends to help us make a plan to pay off our various loans. They gave us some advice that actually went counter to some of the conventional wisdom but that worked well for us. For instance, one recommended that we pay our credit card off before starting any "emergency fund" type savings; his reasoning was that the interest rates on a savings account were so much lower than the interest we were paying on our debt that we would actually lose money by saving. So we paid off our credit card first, as quickly as we could, then started an emergency fund (the standard 3-months-worth of living expenses) to save for things like car repairs, job loss, etc. Another friend (and a CPA to boot) recommended that, rather than following the course of paying off the loan with the highest interest rate first, we pay the loans off essentially from smallest to largest. This had a huge impact, because we were able to quickly escalate payments on each loan.

Here's how that worked: Aaron had one small student loan (about $1000, I think) for which we only paid about $10 per month. We paid up on that as much as we could and were able to pay it off fairly quickly. Now, we rolled that $10 a month into the payment for the next loan, another small student loan on which we owed $30 per month. That one was paid off fairly quickly, too, and it motivated us quite a bit to see the progress of having two fewer bills to pay. We added $40 per month (the combined amounts from the two loans now paid off) to a car payment, meaning we paid something like $190 per month instead of the required $150. It took a while longer, but after we paid off that car, the snowball effect of the cumulative payments really took off. By adding the now freed up $190 per month to our other car payment (which was set at $175), we paid that car off in half the time of the 5-year term of the loan. At that point, we turned to tackle our two largest student loans (originally about $13,000 and $20,000 respectively). Again, adding all the previous payments no longer owed to the monthly payment on those loans (one at a time), we paid about $450-500 per month toward the first loan, and eventually about $1000 per month toward the second loan. We couldn't always make the big payments (like at Christmas-time, when we had extra expenses in the form of travel and gifts), but we paid as much as we could every month, and the effect was enormous!

During that whole process, we used any unexpected windfalls to pay whatever loan we were targeting at the time; tax refunds, Christmas bonuses, and the like took big bites out of those loans. We started out paying off our loans with very slow, small steps, but eventually we could take long strides and pay down debt quickly. When we began, our debt seemed insurmountable and I felt we'd never be done with it; but it only took five years!

As our income increased over time (although we still make a very moderate living) and our debt decreased, we were able to build non-essentials back into the budget, although we still keep those to a minimum (i.e. $50 per month for clothing, $60 per month for eating out). We don't buy things unless we have cash in the bank for them, and we use debit for most purchases. The only occasional exception is travel; we might put part of a vacation on credit, but we determine to pay off the balance within a month or two at the most. Once we take on a mortgage, we'll have to tighten the budget again, but now we know we can do it, by God's grace. We certainly couldn't have stewarded our finances this way without help, and I hope that by sharing these details some of you are helped, too!

*It looks like you can download the seminar audio and workbook for this workshop from our related church, Covenant Life, here.

"Madness" and "Craziness" Are the Two Words Most Frequently Uttered in Our Household Right Now

2008-07-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

I'll spare you the details, but here's a status report from the past week of our efforts to buy a house.

Tuesday: We think the sale will fall through.

Wednesday: We might get the house!

Thursday: We think the sale will fall through.

[Insert holiday weekend.]

Monday: We might get the house!

Tuesday: Negotiations are still up in the air, but we're engaged in a mad scramble to pull everything together to possibly close next week.

Please pray for us!

Approximately $50,000 to $0 in 5 Years

2008-07-03T12:31:00.003-05:00

As of today, we are completely and gloriously debt free! We just paid off the balance of our last school loan, so now we have no education debt, no car payments, no credit card balances, no mortgage, nothing owed to anyone. We're so grateful for the teaching we received early on in our marriage about the principles of financial stewardship and for the money-savvy friends who helped us put together a practical plan to pay everything off as soon as possible. Thank you, Lord, for providing!

Orange-Avocado Salsa

2008-07-02T07:49:00.004-05:00

For the Five-Ingredients-or-Less edition of Works for Me Wednesday, I thought I'd share this orange-avocado salsa, a summer favorite of ours. We like to serve it over grilled chicken breasts with rice, but I bet it would be tasty with fish or pork chops, too.

Orange-Avocado Salsa

1 tbsp lime juice
1 tsp honey
2 large navel oranges
1/4 cup finely chopped red onion
1 avocado, pitted and diced*

In a medium bowl, whisk lime juice & honey together. Season w/ salt & pepper (I know, those weren't on the ingredients list, but that would have made for seven ingredients rather than five; shhh!). Set aside.

Cut up the oranges: Slice of both ends of each orange. Following the curve of the fruit, cut away the peel and pith. Quarter the oranges (basically, cut an X lengthwise through the core of the orange, if that makes sense), then lay each half (two of the quartered sections) flat and slice sections 1/4" thick; this will give you a bunch of little orange triangles.

Add orange pieces, onion and avocado to honey-lime mixture. Toss gently to combine. Serve immediately.

*This may be obvious, but here's how I dice an avocado. Use a chef's knife to cut the avocado in half vertically, curving around the pit. Separate the two halves, then whack the pit with your knife (this is why I use my big, nicely weighted chef's knife for this task); twist to remove pit. Now, cut 1/4-1/2" dice into each avocado half, without slicing through the skin. Use a spoon to scoop the dice from the skin of each half. Nice and neat!

Progressing Towards Home

2008-07-01T08:57:00.002-05:00

We were finally able to get a variety of professionals in to the house at the end of last week. That process was a comedy of errors that felt more like a tragedy at the time - locks changed on the house so we couldn't get in for the first appointment, miscommunication about the rescheduled appointment so that we weren't all in the same place at the same time, and so on. The realtor, an air tester, an HVAC professional, a mold assessor, and I all managed to converge on Friday. Conclusion? The furnace, which wasn't working at our original inspection, was repaired by the seller; it's still an ancient, inefficient piece of machinery, but it's safe and it works. The air test showed the presence of mold spores common after basement flooding, but it's not toxic and the levels aren't too high; it still needs to be addressed, but it's not a major health hazard. And the mold assessor judged that the only areas of the basement that definitely need remediation are the bathroom and storage area, although we asked for a quote for the whole basement to be safe. All in all, we feel much better having a more realistic picture of the works that the house needs, and we were reassured to find out that not everything has to be done up front. We're asking the seller to remediate the mold, so please pray that those negotiations go well (and quickly!) this week. If we reach an agreement on that, and if Aaron and I feel like we're not taking on too many future projects, then we'll move forward. I'm ready to be done with this whole process!

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens (2 Cor. 5:1).

One Item Checked Off the Wait List

2008-06-24T11:09:00.002-05:00

NO nine-month wait added to that list. The nurse just called with negative results for the IUI cycle. I had such low expectations that I'm really not disappointed at all. We're going to take July off, because hopefully (please, Lord?) we'll be moving. And I probably have cysts anyway, but we won't bother to check this time. On the bright side, now I don't have to worry about a pesky due date interfering with a trip to Hawaii that my family has planned for March 2009. That's a nice shiny silver lining, huh?

Quick Update

2008-06-20T10:30:00.002-05:00

This has been a week of waiting. Waiting to get results for the IUI next week. Waiting to hear back from the seller of the house. This morning, we finally got official approval from the seller to bring in a professional mold mitigator to give an estimate about how extensive the mold is (the inspector only saw a little bit in the corner of the basement bathroom) and how much it would cost to take care of it. So we called our inspector to ask for a recommendation for a mold remediator; he wasn't in, so I left a message, and now we're... waiting.

I'm trying to remember that I'm waiting on the Lord, even though it feels like I'm waiting on people.

Meditation on Psalm 31

2008-06-13T16:10:00.002-05:00

I wrote this reflection on Psalm 31 in my journal on Wednesday morning, after all of Tuesday's challenges. (It will have more context if you read the Psalm first.)

Lord, rescue me! Under the weight of all of yesterday's disappointments - the low counts for the IUI, the refusal of the seller to do any repairs on the house - help me to take refuge in you. I know you have already delivered me from my sin; now please deliver me from these trials! Hear my pleas! Remove the shame of having all my desires squelched. Help me to trust that you lead and guide me through infertility and home-buying for your name's sake. Help me to hate the sin in my heart that makes children and houses into idols. Remind me that you are not indifferent to my affliction and distress, but you are gracious. When my eyes are tired of crying, when my soul and body are weary of difficulty, when I feel like all I have are sighs and sorrows, remind me that you are a strength for the weak. You are a sympathetic high priest. You have taken the burden of my iniquities; you made this enemy your friend. You are kind, even when I have a hard time seeing it. Help me to rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love.

God, give me confidence that you have goodness stored up for me. Right now, in my unbelief, I expect abundant hardship from your hand. I believe the reverse of the Savior's words about your Fatherly love - I feel like I am asking for bread and you give me stones, for fish and you give me a snake... Or rather, for a child and you give me infertility, for a house and you give me a moldy basement and a rusty furnace. Conquer my unbelief! Cause me to fear you and take shelter in you and to expect good from you.

Setbacks

2008-06-12T16:58:00.002-05:00

Tuesday was challenging.

The IUI went okay. Everything about the procedure itself happened as usual. However, Aaron's numbers were below the preferable range for IUI (motility 31% instead of 50% or greater, a count of 9 million - I think - instead of 10 million or greater). The nurse said the numbers weren't bad enough to cancel the IUI, but... momentary silence implying that we shouldn't get our hopes up... So we'll see. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check if my ovary size indicates adequate progesterone production, and then we wait until the end of June to test for pregnancy. I know our God is bigger than any statistics, but if the conditions of this IUI are less favorable than our previous five - well, less favorable than a whole batch of negatives equals a pretty poor prognosis of success.

Then, we had bad news on the house front. You may remember we've been waiting to hear back in negotiations with the seller to take care of some relatively major issues (water damage, ancient furnace, etc.). Late Tuesday afternoon, the seller (or rather, her lawyer) sent a two-sentence letter "respectfully" declining to do any of the repairs we requested. I was bitterly disappointed. I've been trying to prepare my heart for a potential negative outcome and trying not to idolize this particular house, but the groundwork I laid crumbled almost immediately. The door hasn't completely closed on that home; we did hear a new development from the seller's lawyer today, and we're going to get some professional estimates on the work that needs to be done before we make any final decisions. But it's certainly not turning out to be a straightforward process.

So I've been weary. I'm battling unbelief, and I'm disappointed to see how my heart is growing to expect difficulty from the hand of God rather than blessing. (Honestly, my first thought upon getting the IUI and house news in the same day was, "What next, Lord? Are you going to cause one of our cars to explode? What else will you make go wrong?") I know that he will work this all for my good, and I know that all these things that feel like Plan B to me are part of his best purposes. But right now, I'd like to trade in my Person Who Grows Through Hardship badge for a membership in the People Who May Not Learn A Lot But At Least Life Is Easy club.

No Menopausal Nuns Were Hurt in the Making of this IUI ::updated::

2008-06-09T09:41:00.004-05:00

When the nurse called with the results on Friday afternoon (E2=285, follicles measuring 15, 13, 10, and 9 mm), she told me to come into the clinic again on Saturday morning for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. At that appointment (to which I rode my bike), C-Pug declared, "Your lining is gorgeous!" My follicles measured 18, 15, 11, and 9 mm, and my E2 had gone up to 495. The doctor instructed me to take one more dose of Follistim on Saturday night, and then I took the HCG trigger shot last night. The IUI is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Please pray!

(For those who don't spend all their time immersed in the world of infertility terminology: E2 is a specific estrogen which should reach levels of 200-600 for every mature follicle; a mature follicle (the sac in which the egg grows) is 18mm or larger; HCG is human chorionic gonadotropin, a pregnancy hormone (the medical form is derived from the urine of pregnant women and menopausal nuns) that mimics the effect of another hormone (luteinizing hormone, or LH) which induces ovulation; IUI is intra-uterine insemination.)

::update::
(As I mulled over this post later while I drove around on some errands - what? doesn't everybody do that? - I realized that I gave inaccurate information in my parenthetical note at the end. It's actually follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH, I think, that comes from the urine of menopausal nuns. Which makes more sense. How would menopausal nuns secrete HCG? Anyway, the title of the post still holds.)

Cycling... and Cycling

2008-06-06T08:53:00.004-05:00

I had my second ultrasound and bloodwork appointment for the current IUI cycle this morning; I'll get all the numbers (follicle measurements and estradiol levels) this afternoon, but the ultrasound tech said everything looks "gorgeous" - apparently, her favorite adjective, since she uses it every time I see her - and that things are really growing. This particular ultrasound tech is really darling, so I hereby decree that I will nickname her Cutie-Patooty-Ultrasound-Girl, or C-Pug for short. By the way, my protocol, for any who are curious, is 75 IU of Follistim per day (a lower dose than my last cycle, and I think this will work much better for my production-happy ovaries).

So I have two weekend assignments for you:

1) Both Monday and today, I rode my bike to the clinic. It's only a 20-25 minute ride each way (as opposed to a 10-15 minute drive) on a nice route between our apartment and the hospital. The nurses had instructed me not to add any new excercises during the IUI cycle, so technically biking isn't forbidden for me, but I'm starting to wonder if it's too much. What do you think? I'm popping up a poll in the right side bar, so go ahead and vote.

2) Legal wheels are still turning on the house stuff post-inspection. But that doesn't stop my mental wheels from spinning with decorating ideas. (I figure, hey, whether we end up buying this home another one, I'll still be decorating something.) So tell me in the comments, what are your favorite decorating and design resources - websites, magazines, books, stores, etc.?

Happy Friday!

Any Way

2008-06-04T08:59:00.000-05:00

During the New Attitude conference, my mind filled with memories of how we realized the failure of our first IVF at last year's conference. It was tempting to moan, "Another year past, and nothing has changed!" But that's not true. Yes, my infertility hasn't gone away. I still don't have a baby or even the whisper of a pregnancy. But my heart has changed. God has been at work to make me content and to make his Son more precious to me. And at the conference, primarily through the worship times at Na, another change happened in my heart.

For much of the past three years, I have sought to remind myself that this trial of infertility is not primarily about me but about God's purposes. I have thought, "What glory the Lord will receive when I have children!" I've expected that if I just wait long enough, the end result will be a splashy display of God's kindness when he gives me a baby and everyone around me rejoices in finally, beautifully answered prayers. But now I am starting to think, "What glory the Lord will receive even if I don't ever have children." He doesn't have to give me a baby to glorify himself, to show himself good and beautiful and true. And I'm beginning to see that I will be okay whichever way he chooses to work, whether he shows his mercy and love by fulfilling my desires for children or by enabling me to walk in grace for an entire lifetime of childlessness. Increasingly, I want the title of my life-story to be not Barren Woman Finally Blessed by God with Babies after Years of Patient Endurance but What a Savior. As we sang over and over again at New Attitude:

O Father, use my ransomed life
In any way you choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is you.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ.
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life.

Home, Inspected

2008-06-03T08:47:00.002-05:00

Here is our layman's interpretation of the home inspector's report: the house has a robustly healthy body, but it's balding and has stinky feet.

The home inspector said that the structure is in excellent shape; it was built really well, and the original footprint and floorplan have not been altered. However, since the house is 80 years old, it does have some problematic issues. The basement has had some flooding and needs waterproofing and mold mitigation, the furnace is 30 years old, and the roof is about 15 years old (though not leaking anywhere). The inspector gave us very rough estimates about how much it would cost to do the necessary work, and it was all less than we would have expected. They're three big jobs, but they're doable. So now we move into negotiations with the seller. We're hoping that the seller will take care of the flood damage and the furnace (our realtor thinks the current owner might have a home warranty, which would cover some of that); we'll ask about the roof, too, but we're willing to save up to do that ourselves if need be. We still really like the home, and we want to make it work, but we're holding it very lightly. Lord willing, we'll come to a good agreement with the seller and will still be able to make this home our own soon. Please pray with us to that end!

Six One, Half Dozen the Other

2008-06-02T09:39:00.002-05:00

Today marks the start of my sixth IUI cycle. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand: Yay! Cysts are gone! Another chance to get pregnant! On the other: Hmph. Six IUIs; really? How did I get to be that person, the barren woman with a litter of failed infertility treatments in her wake? Counting our two IVF attempts in with all these IUIs, and it won't be long before my medicated cycle counts number in the double-digits. When do we just say, "Enough," and move on? I've started to have thoughts like, "If we had started to pursue adoption when we realized we were infertile, we might have a child or even two by now." But here I take comfort in God's sovereignty; we've sought his will, he's led us down this path of medical intervention, and he will build our family in his way and time. All those "what if" questions are fruitless; I only need to trust that God is good and he is in control.

So, IUI #6, here we come. I start the Follistim injections today (I think; I need to get a call from the nurse to confirm my instructions), and the actual IUI will probably fall mid-June.

Please, Lord, let this one work.

Endorsements of the House in O_______ that We Will Most Likely Buy, Pending Home Inspection and Such

2008-05-30T17:14:00.002-05:00

"That's the most beautiful house in the universe!"
- a 6-year-old nephew

"You could turn the garage into a nice potting shed."
- mother-in-law and former president of the West Virginia State Garden Club

(We did, in fact, place an offer on the 1930's bungalow-ish house in the town* on the river, and the seller countered with exactly the price we had hoped to pay. So we have a contract, pending various legal and financial approvals. Home inspection is Monday; please pray no major snafus come to light. We really love the house!
*You may have noticed that I'm borrowing a device from Jane Austen and referring to the town by its first letter only. If you live near us, you can probably figure out which town the house is in, but I'd rather not have the whole Internet know where to find us!)

Piping Through Some Links

2008-05-29T17:59:00.002-05:00

I'm still trying to return to life as usual after the Na conference, so instead of coming up with original blog material, I'll pass on a few links to content I've appreciated over recent weeks. Each comes from a different member of the Piper family.

From Molly Piper - How to Help Your Grieving Friend, a series of practical tips gleaned from her experience after her daughter Felicity was stillborn last fall

From Abraham Piper - 12 Ways to Improve Your Blog by Serving Your Readers

From John Piper - How a Roman Catholic Anti-Calvinist Can Serve Today's Poet Calvinist, an intriguing tribute to one of my favorite books, G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Here's one quote from the essay: "One of the reasons that Calvinism is stirring today is that it takes both truth and mystery seriously. It’s a singing, poetry-writing, run-through-the-fields Calvinism." (HT Justin Taylor)

Now, I'm off to eat dinner with my in-laws...

Greek Chicken Kebabs

2008-05-23T17:21:00.003-05:00

My pal from In Search of Morning Sickness reminded me recently that I haven't posted a recipe in a while. I tried a new recipe recently for Greek kebabs, which ended up not being kebabs because I couldn't find our skewers. So here's my modified version:

3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1" pieces (about 24)
1 zucchini, halved lengthwise and cut crosswise into 1" pieces (about 16)
1/2 small red onion, quartered
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp dried oregano
3 tbsp white or red wine vinegar, divided
1/2 cup crumbled feta
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 cup fresh mint leaves
salt & pepper

In a resealable plastic bag, combine chicken, zucchini, onion, oil, oregano, and 2 tbsp vinegar; season generously with salt & pepper. Marinate at least 30 minutes or up to overnight. Preheat broiler; place rack 4-6" below heat. Line a roasting pan or rimmed baking sheet with foil. Toss marinated chicken and vegetables onto prepared pan. Broil, turning at least once, until chicken is cooked through, about 15 min. Meanwhile, make dipping sauce. Blend feta, yogurt, mint, and remaining tbsp vinegar until smooth.* Serve chicken and vegetables over rice, with dipping sauce.

If you can find your skewers, you can thread the chicken, zucchini, and red onion onto them, in alternating fashion, and then grill them for about 15 min.

Happy Memorial Day weekend! I'm going to the New Attitude conference, and I'll resume posting when I get back.

*I used my immersion blender and its handy measuring container accessory for the sauce. I love this tool! If you don't have one, a food processor will work just fine for making the sauce.

A Calcium Supplement for Osteoporosis of the Soul

2008-05-22T11:26:00.005-05:00

As part of my current Bible reading plan, I am in the book of Proverbs. I recently read a verse that gave me a chance to reflect on how much spiritual fruit God has graciously brought about in my heart over the course of this trial of infertility.

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot (Prov. 14:13).

I remembered how, a year or two ago, this verse arrested my attention. Jealousy of friends who were pregnant or had children was a daily struggle at the time, and this verse helped me to see how very serious my sin was. It also aided me to choose what to think when those moments of temptation to envy surged. I mean, given the options of rotting bones or life-filled flesh, the decision is pretty obvious! The words of this verse spurred me on to pursue the tranquil heart that comes from trusting God even when other people's pregnancies and babies lay like large fallen trees across my trail. Reading this verse again encouraged me so much, to see how the Lord has given me grace to put the sin of envy to death. I certainly haven't attained a heart perfectly free of the green monster. But I have gradually learned to tune out the voice that says I should resent my friends for having the blessings I want and to tune in to the glorious channel that broadcasts the blessings I have in the gospel. I am so grateful for this more peaceful state!

Earlier this week, I was emailing with a friend about the sin of jealousy, and I was reminded of a couple of resources (in addition to the Proverbs verse) that have helped me in the battle. One is a post from the GirlTalk blog, "A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy." The other is an article from Tim Challies' blog, "When the Critics Rave, I Weep" (this one is loaded with excellent quotes). I thought I'd share these links today as an encouragement to anyone else who is fighting jealousy along with me.

I Have a Little More to Say Now updated

2008-05-20T17:56:00.004-05:00

So, here's what's happening on the house front. We first went out to look on Monday morning, thinking we'd get a gradual start. On the way to meet the realtor, we prayed to find a home that would serve for hospitality and outreach. We didn't like much of what we saw that morning, and the one house we did really like was in a neighborhood that didn't feel completely safe. We hadn't completely ruled it out, and we knew it would probably sell fast (by far the nicest thing in that price range), so we felt suddenly compelled to look at other homes as soon as possible in order to compare.

So, we set up an appointment to see a house in another town on Wednesday evening; that one was gorgeous outside but severely disappointing inside - it really would have needed to be gutted and entirely remodeled. At that point, I felt pretty discouraged. I thought looking at homes would be so fun and exciting, but instead I felt frustrated and anxious that we wouldn't find anything appealing that we could afford. I had to constantly tell myself that the Lord had the right home for us and would lead us to it.

Then, we went out again on Friday afternoon. Aaron almost couldn't make it because of last-minute work complications, but he did manage to meet me and the realtor before we left the first home. That day, we found three homes that we could picture ourselves living in! One ended up having a contract on it, so right now we're down to two options that we really like, both in the downtown area of a cute town on a river. We've placed a long-shot offer on one (our first and maximum bid is significantly under the asking price); it's a two-story frame house built in 1920, all updated inside and nicely landscaped. If the seller of the first house doesn't accept our offer, we'll bid on the second home, a bungalow-ish house built in 1930 that has great bones but would need some updating inside and out. And maybe neither will work out, but I have faith that we'll find a good home soon. Exciting stuff!

edited to add: as we pretty much expected, the seller of home option #1 wasn't willing to work with our offer; we're working on cobbling together an offer for home option #2, and I'm feeling lots of anticipation about this one!

Range, Range on the Home

2008-05-15T17:27:00.002-05:00

It's been a quiet week here at Chez Entrusted. Why? Because Aaron and I are house-hunting, and the search for Chez Patterson has absorbed all my time and mental energy. And that's all I have to say about that.

Another Way of Escape I'm Not Going to Try: Closing My Eyes, Sticking My Fingers in My Ears, and Singing "La La La La"

2008-05-09T11:12:00.007-05:00

Infertile women worldwide are currently hovering in dread of the weekend. This Sunday is the Day That Shall Not Be Named. When all the moms in church are asked to stand and be honored, I will be tethered to my seat by the short cord that feeds electricity to the neon sign on my forehead flashing, "Not a Mom! Not a Mom!" Or at least that's what it feels like. Every year as the second Sunday of May approaches, I start to imagine scenarios that would excuse me from church for just that one day - sickness, vacation, or at least a sudden need for a bathroom break conveniently sandwiched between singing and the sermon. A long bathroom break. On the other side of the building.

But ladies, we have a better escape route than running away from the Day That Shall Not Be Named. Can I paraphrase 1 Corinthians 10:13 for us? No temptation to self-pity, envy, or anxiety has overtaken you that is not common to women (yes, even the fertile ones). God is faithful, and he will not let the second Sunday in May tempt you beyond your ability, but on the Day That Shall Not Be Named he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure even a holiday that puts the spotlight on your heartache and yearning by celebrating the women who have what you don't. That way of escape looks different for each of us, but I can tell you this: I'm going to run to Jesus, and not to the ladies' room.

2008-05-07T16:30:00.002-05:00

Last week, I shared with a friend how weary I felt after learning that the trial of infertility had not yet come to an end. She encouraged me with Hebrews 12:3.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint-hearted.

What gospel-motivated grace to persevere! When I feel weary and faint-hearted, I need to consider my Savior. He endured the cross for the joy set before him (see the preceding verses in Hebrews 12), the joy of victoriously reconciling people to God through his death and resurrection. He endured those who beat him and mocked him, though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. I was one of those hostile sinners until he saved me. My sins are so much worse than any of my sufferings, and yet Christ shed his blood to pay for my sins. Considering the One who endured such enmity and such pain in my place gives me a second (or two-hundred-and-second) wind to keep running, even when infertility sometimes leaves me feeling breathless.

Random Things Come in Threes

2008-05-02T08:19:00.003-05:00

Veronica of Toddled Dredge tagged me for a post that lists three random things about me. (And how honored am I to be tagged by one of my favorite bloggers?) Without further ado, here's the list:

1) In my junior year of college, I thought I wanted to go on to get my Ph.D. in literature and become an English professor. In my junior year of college, I met Aaron. As we prepared for marriage, we decided that graduate school wasn't the best option because we wanted to be young parents. Yeah, that's gone really well. Ironically, I could have completed a doctoral program by now. However, I don't regret the choice I made (especially since we're now this close to paying off all of our school loans).

2) This is only indirectly about me, but I've had the opportunity to re-tell this story in the past few weeks, so it's fresh on my mind. My family comes from the Netherlands, and my grandparents still lived there at the time of WWII. (My mom was born at the end of the war, and the family moved away shortly afterwards.) My grandparents lived on a farm, and my grandfather (not the one that recently passed away, but the one still kicking in Texas) was the village carpenter. The family used their farm to hide some people from the Nazi army (mostly young men in danger of being conscripted by the enemy, but also a rabbi). As the German invasion approached, the townsfolk came to my grandfather and asked him to use his carpentry skills to hide all of their valuables (paintings, jewelry, etc.). At the end of the war, everyone returned to my grandpa to find out where their belongings were. He said, "You've been sitting on them every Sunday." He had built false bottoms to all the pews in church and stored all the valuables there. It wasn't until the 1990's that my grandparents shared these stories with any of their children or grandchildren.

3) Veronica mentioned in her list of three random things that she enjoys meat with sweet sauces. I actually dislike sweet-flavored meat dishes. The combination of tastes seems wrong to me somehow, as if they stay too distinct rather than blending together. I much prefer savory meat recipes, with garlic or onions and a decent dash of salt.

I'll tag some new blog friends: Mya, Jill, and Brenna (who is not a new friend but has a new blog).

Swell

2008-04-30T09:59:00.003-05:00

The beta on Monday confirmed what we already knew on Sunday - negative. I'm disappointed, of course, but seeing that sadness and satisfaction in Christ can co-exist. If continued infertility is how God is going to receive the most glory from my life, I'm resigned to persevere in this trial.

So today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound. I warned the nurse that I expected cysts, as I've ended up with anywhere from one to four cysts after almost every single previous medicated cycle. The nurse sweetly said that she chose to think I'd be cyst-free this time around. But this morning I blew my own record out of the waters. As soon as the nurse began the ultrasound, she murmured in shock and asked if I was in any pain. Then she started typing measurements. A lot of measurements. Just guess how many cysts I have.

TWELVE.

Eight on the right ovary, four on the left, some as big as 4 cm.

I'm an ova-achiever. (Ba dum bum CHING.)

So now I've got a prescription for BCP to suck the life out of all those cysts. Hopefully, they'll all be gone by my next cycle so that we can do another IUI in June. In the meantime, I think I'll enjoy the recovery break, and I'll avoid any twisting, jumping, or abdominal exercises!

Yesterday

2008-04-28T07:41:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I woke up feeling anxious. One day to go until the blood test that would reveal the outcome of this IUI cycle.

Yesterday, I served in the nursery at church, holding someone else's fussing baby in my arms, standing and swaying until she calmed and slept. As the weight of her warm face pressed into my shoulder, wistfulness swelled and sighed in my heart.

Yesterday, I witnessed several young persons profess their faith in Christ and be baptized. Moms cried happily, dads proudly joined our pastors in lowering their children into the waters and raising them up again, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wondered if we would ever have the joy of having children, of seeing them come to know the Savior and join his bride, the church.

Yesterday, I started to bleed.

Yesterday, Jesus Christ was the same, a rest for the weary.

Today, Jesus Christ is the same, God with me.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, and all my tomorrows, Jesus Christ will be the same, my only hope and peace.

Contentment, Drift, and the Good News

2008-04-25T17:07:00.003-05:00

As I wait for the results of this IUI cycle, I continue to be grateful to God for the contentment he has given me even in the middle of trial. But I've discovered that contentment is accompanied by a danger; I'm no longer quite so aware of my need for God. Where I used to urgently search for daily truth and grace to sustain me in the midst of difficulty, I lately have read Scripture and prayed with a sense of complacency. At church last Sunday, the message from Hebrews 2:1-4 spurred me on to guard against the danger of drift by paying "much closer attention" to the gospel. One of the application questions for the message was, "How do your affections for the gospel compare to where they were three months ago?" That question convicted me. My hard-won contentment was born out of gratitude for the gospel, but while the contentment has lingered, the cross-centeredness had not. So I have purposed, as I spend time with the Lord each day, to look more intentionally for the good news that Christ died for my sins.

Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace and kindness towards us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:4-7).

What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?

A Letter from OfIRM to Mr. Aaron Patterson

2008-04-24T12:27:00.011-05:00

Dear Sir,

We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes. While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails, a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."

Sincerely,
The Employees of OfIRM

*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.

Double Chocolate Cookies

2008-04-23T17:12:00.002-05:00

What's that you say? You want a super-chocolatey cookie recipe? Well, alright...

Double Chocolate Cookies (makes about 24)

20 oz semisweet chocolate chips, divided
4 tbsp butter
2/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350F. Heat 8 oz chocolate chips and butter in a bowl in the microwave in 20-second increments, stirring between each, until almost melted; do not overheat. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla on high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Don't skimp on the time beating the eggs and sugar! It makes the difference between thinly spread, crumbly cookies and perfectly round cookies with a soft center and a meringue-like exterior.) Reduce speed to low; beat in melted chocolate mixture. Mix in flour mixture until just combined. Stir in the remaining 12 oz of chocolate chips. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2-3 inches apart onto baking sheets. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through until cookies are shiny and crackly yet soft in centers, 12-15 minutes. Cool on sheets 10 minutes; transfer to racks to cool completely.

Oh, yum.

Vigilante of Heart

2008-04-21T09:29:00.003-05:00

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23

In his commentary* on this verse, D.A. Carson writes, "In contemporary Western symbolism, the heart is the seat of the emotions. But in the symbol-world of Scripture, the heart is the seat of the whole person. It is closer to what we mean by 'mind,' though in English 'mind' is perhaps a little too cerebral. So 'guard your heart' means more than 'be careful what, or whom, you love' - though it cannot easily mean less than that. It means something like, 'Be careful what you treasure; be careful what you set your affections and thoughts on.'"

What do I treasure? What do I most often set my affections and thoughts on? These days, I think a lot about two things: having children and buying a home. Now, neither of those is bad or wrong. They are generally good desires. But when Aaron and I consider whether this is a wise time to buy a house, I have to carefully evaluate whether or not I have placed an undue importance on owning a home. And as I wait for the results of this IUI, I need to diligently examine my heart for any inordinate reliance on a pregnancy to give me joy.

Why should I be so vigilant? Because the heart, as Carson goes on to say, "directs the rest of life. What you set your mind and emotions on determines where you go and what you do. ... If your heart is ardently pursuing peripheral things (not necessarily prurient things), then from a Christian perspective you soon come to be occupied with the merely peripheral. If what you dream of is possessing a certain thing, ...that shapes your life."

I don't want to spend my life occupied with the merely peripheral. Houses and, yes, even children are peripheral. Though having a child and owning a home would both be great blessings, neither is essential to my satisfaction. And neither makes an ultimately worthy goal for my life. I still hope to have children by some means, and I still wish to buy a home when the time is right, but those intentions must be submitted to the aim of knowing and glorifying my Savior. So I guard my heart against treasuring motherhood and home-ownership too much. He loves me without those things, and by his grace I can love him without those things.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith." Philippians 3:8-9

*in the reading for March 17 from For the Love of God, Vol. 2

Super Size

2008-04-17T10:08:00.002-05:00

Want to double the amount of traffic to your blog overnight? Apparently all you have to do is participate in Works-for-Me-Wednesday. Holy moley! Welcome to all of you visiting from Rocks in My Dryer.

I had an ultrasound this morning to measure my ovaries post-IUI. Judging by the reactions of the nurses, they are plenty large (I didn't ask for exact size, and I wasn't told). The right is much bigger than the left, which lines up with how I've been feeling. (I suspect a cyst, since I had them with every previous medicated IUI.) No need for the HCG booster shot, and I have instructions to call if I feel any severe pain. For now, me and my progesterone suppositories keep trucking along for the remaining week and a half until the blood test that reveals all. Amazingly, I don't feel any real anxiety or impatience as I wait to find out whether this IUI worked or not; I thank God for his Spirit's work in my heart to that end!

Best! Tank Tops! Ever!

2008-04-16T08:46:00.009-05:00

So I thought I'd get in on a little Works-for-Me-Wednesday action this week. What is Works-for-Me-Wednesday, you ask? You can find out here.

Last night at our small group meeting, the gals discussed the topic of modesty. (We based our discussion on this message, in case you're curious.) Now, modesty is a matter of the heart more than anything else, but it is also a very practical issue. As we were talking about the specifics of appropriate appearance, I mentioned these tank tops. I have three of them (white, black, and brown), and I probably wear them five days out of every week. They are perfect for layering; they're long (even on a 5'10" girl like me!), and the neckline is just right, not to low, not to high. Now that the weather is finally starting to warm up, they're also great to wear alone. The fabric is light-weight enough to be comfortable, but not so thin that you need yet another layer underneath the tank. (Because, really, who wants to layer up on a hot summer day?) The tanks are form fitting enough to look feminine, but they aren't too snug. So there you have it, ode on a tank top.

How about you? What item of clothing can't you live without?

IUI Report

2008-04-14T09:22:00.003-05:00

Everything pretty much worked out for the IUI this past weekend. My appointment on Thursday morning showed a number of growing follicles - one 15mm, one 14mm, three 13mm, and one 12mm. My estrogen levels had risen to 673, just over triple my previous levels from Tuesday. I knew from the size of the follicles that I wasn't quite ready to trigger yet, and I suspected that Dr. Owlish would want me to come in again on Friday. So before I received my instructions, I went ahead and made a preemptive phone call to the clinic to say that I would be attending my grandpa's funeral on Friday and would be unable to make any appointments that day. The nurse who called back reported that they could work around my schedule and gave me instructions to take a lower dose of Follistim that night, to trigger Friday morning, and to schedule an IUI for Saturday morning. I had a few questions about the protocol (why was I triggering in the morning if I should have had a monitoring appointment that day? why was the IUI only 24 hours after the trigger shot rather than the usual 36?), but after playing phone tag for the whole afternoon, I gave up and decided to just follow orders without getting more information. The HCG shot was not too hard to mix up and take, although I did have a reaction at the injection sight (a quarter-sized red welt) and I felt some unpleasant side-effects for a couple days (slight queasiness, tenderness, etc.). The nurse said that next time, if there is a next time, we can dilute the shot more. The IUI itself was a piece of cake. Since this clinic is so close to our apartment, we could relax at home instead of killing time in the waiting area between dropping of the sperm to be washed and the actual procedure. The nurse who performed the IUI was very gentle; I didn't have any cramping when she inserted the catheter. Then, she actually let Aaron push the plunger to send the sperm on through to the uterus; that was a little strange but also made the whole thing feel a bit more personal and less clinical. (The first word that came to my mind for that sentence was "sterile" instead of "clinical" - but it seems somehow wrong to use that word when describing our attempts to overcome infertility!) So now we're in the waiting stage. I only have one check-up between now and the pregnancy test at the end of the month. With everything surrounding my grandfather's death and funeral (which I'll write more about later), I haven't taken much time to think about the IUI or look ahead to what the results might be. I am asking that this will be the time when the Lord removes the thorn of infertility from us, but for the sake of Christ I am content with these hardships for now.

P.S. Thank you to all of the family members we saw over the weekend who expressed that you are praying for us to have children; it means more than you know to be so surrounded by support.