Have Needles, Will Travel (2)

We're going to the beach! Bright and early tomorrow morning, we head to Oak Island, NC. Once again, I'm travelling with Lupron and needles, only this time we're driving rather than flying which means I won't find myself underwhelmed by the response of airport security to my bag of pointy, stabby things. It did just occur to me tonight that I don't have a sharps container, which will probably be necessary since we're sharing a house with family including young nephews. Hopefully I can pick one up at a friendly pharmacy in North Carolina. Sharps container or not, I'm looking forward to a week of relaxing by the ocean - and reading some of your recommended books!

Excerpt of Encouragement

Back when we found out that our first attempt at IVF did not result in pregnancy, that our two embryos did not implant, we received many sympathetic calls and e-mails. One e-mail was one of the most encouraging notes I have ever received, and I wanted to share some excerpts of it here. Annika wrote of what she thought God would say to me if he were giving a Hebrews 11 type of testimony:

By faith Andrea believed in my goodness when time and again she felt all-consuming disappointment and sadness. By faith she remained focused on me, looking to the power of the cross rather than allowing herself to be surrounded and captivated by her grief, her anger, her perplextion, her jealousy, her self-pity. By faith she trusted me to carry these things, when she could have tried to carry them by herself and turned her back on me. By faith Andrea fought to hear my voice when the world said, "There must be something wrong with you. You must not be spiritual enough. You must not pray ferverently enough. The Lord must be trying to teach you something, or else you would be pregnant by now." She fought to hear my voice among the clatter, to remember my goodness to her in the sacrifice of my Son, to remember my love for her, to allow me to comfort her and soothe her, to fill her void. By faith Andrea did not waver in her belief in my ability to bring forth life, but rather trusted in my timing and my purposes, even when it seemed unfair and pointless. By faith she pressed on, rathen than sit down stubbornly and refuse to continue until she got what she wanted. By faith she matured and grew in her understanding of my sovereignty and love for her. Her faithfulness has brought me much delight; if only she knew what I good and wonderful things I have in store for her...

I believe He is boasting about You to those around Him, perhaps even to the little lives that are now with Him, saying, "Do you see her? That is your mommy! Isn't she so
amazing? Would that more of my children have her strength and perseverance! I love her so very much!"

Thanks, Annika, for such encouraging words and faithful friendship! It helps to have such a specific picture of how God is receiving glory from this trial of infertility.

Beach Read Recommendations?

Oh, Internet, I need your help! We leave for a beach vacation on Friday, and I don't know what books to bring along. Sad days indeed when a literature major doesn't know what to read. Can anyone recommend some good beach reads? I'm mostly looking for fiction, but non-fiction would work, too.

Here are some of my favorite novelists, to get the ball rolling: Jane Austen, Edith Wharton, P.G. Wodehouse, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Dorothy Sayers, P.D. James, Elizabeth George, Madeleine L'Engle...

Balm

To Aaron.

My best beloved, these past weeks with you have been so sweet. You are my laughter in a time of sorrow. Our marriage grows more roots and branches, even as our dreams for a family seem to splinter. So many people have said, "Just enjoy the time you have together!" So much easier said than done. So easy to long for children and think that this unity, this one-ness we have is not enough. But we have had four years and counting of enjoying each other, growing in friendship and intimacy and fellowship. And I would not trade you, my husband, for all the children in the world. What a treasure to sleep in together on a Saturday morning, to savor a pot of tea in our pajamas, to take off on a whimsical bike ride, to look at each other and say, "We would gladly trade this freedom for a baby, but let's make this most of this; let's ride and smile together!" What a daily delight to sit down over dinner together, to share our days, what we have learned from God's word, where we have struggled, where we have found grace. What a haven to lay with your arm under my pillow and your knees pressed behind mine, as we close our eyes and I chatter to you of all the little things that I was too distracted to think to tell you until the darkness of bedtime. What a grace that right now - these weeks, these moments - the balm of your love soothes my heart. I am sick of deferred hope, but I am so content with you.

"What I'm trying to say in some clumsy way
is that it's you and only you -
not just for now, not just today -
but it's you and only you for always."
Nichole Nordeman, We Build

The Next Big Summer Blockbuster. Really.

Clark Kent takes off his glasses; voila - Superman! Peter Parker takes off his glasses - Spiderman! Me, well, I don't wear glasses. But like many meek men and women before me, I have discovered a hidden superpower. Behold, Spotwoman! She can spot a mere eight to ten days into her luteal phase! She can spot well before any scheduled pregnancy test for a medicated cycle! She can spot while injecting heavy-duty progesterone-in-oil shots after IVF! And now, she can spot with alacrity during her second week of pre-IVF birth control pills! (Nurse Answers says it's nothing to be concerned about, unless my bloodwork in early July shows elevated estrogen levels...) Spotwoman, an infertility superhero. Anybody else think they have a secret (infertility or otherwise) superhero identity?

Na Messages - Infertility Style (Part 2)

(Last New Attitude post, I promise! Continuing with a recap of sermon notes and thoughts on application...)

Discerning Grey Matters - Eric Simmons (Mon. a.m.)
Col. 1:9-14
- grey matters are not areas where we do whatever we want, but areas where we seek harder to understand God's will
- 3 parts of discerning grey matters: (1) think biblically; (2) distrust your heart/motives; (3) imitate your Father
Infertility can be full of grey matters. I want to exercise discernment through ongoing evaluation of each step and each action undertaken in our quest to conceive. I don't want to make any assumptions (i.e. we did IVF in an ethical way before, so it's okay to keep attempting IVF as many times as it takes) without thinking biblically and examining my motives with grace-filled suspicion. As I write about infertility on this blog, I want to seek to imitate my heavenly Father rather than patterning myself after the subculture of the infertile. While I thank God for my companions in this struggle, I want to be identified more as a child of God than an infertility blogger.

Discerning What Pleases God: Himself - John Piper (Mon. p.m.)
- Who is the most God-centered person in the universe? God himself
- Who is uppermost in God's affection? God himself
- Is God an idolater? No
- What is God's chief jealousy? To be known and glorified and obeyed
- What is the chief end of God? To glorify and enjoy himself forever
- Do you feel most loved by God because he makes much of you or because he frees you to make much of him?
- Are you God-centered because he is supremely valuable to you or because you believe you are supremely valuable to him?
As I think about the trial of infertility, what confidence those questions bring, especially the last two! If God proved his love for me by making much of me, then hard, heart-breaking times like these would disprove his love. If God's primary purpose and best action were to value me and uplift me, this thwarting of my desires and yearnings would show that God was not very good at being God. But if God's demonstrates love by increasing my awe of him, if his goal is to make himself most valuable to me, then infertility is a mighty tool to accomplish his loving purposes. Infertility teaches me that life is not all about what I want, that I am utterly dependent on my Creator and Redeemer. I want my experience of infertility to act like a telescope, magnifying God by bringing his greatness into a close-up view.

Discerning What Pleases God: Personal Obedience - John Piper (Mon. p.m.)
- obedience that God abominates: (1) obedience offered as the ground of justification before God; (2) obedience offered as payback for God's grace
- obedience that pleases God: (1) faith in the gospel, by which we receive Christ's obedience; (2) obedience that magnifies our debt to fresh springs of future grace
As I seek to walk through this trial in obedience, I want to do so as a debtor to grace. Obedience is not a bargaining chip to get the children I want. All I can do is boast in Christ's mercy and benefits. He has already purchased all of the grace that I will ever need; I just keep asking for more of that grace to be applied like a balm to my sore and sinful heart. His grace will abound to me with perfect sufficiency for the good works of waiting patiently, of loving pregnant friends and young moms, of counting suffering as joy.

Discern How to Apply - C.J. Mahaney (Tues. a.m.)
James 1:22-23
- the priority of application: "knowledge is the prelude to action"
- the practice of application: effective application is (1) specific, (2) patient, (3) undertaken in the shadow of the cross
I want to be both optimistic and realistic about my spiritual growth. God is at work in my heart through this trial, and he will complete the good work he has begun. But change is not a one-time event; it is a painstakingly slow, ongoing process. As I persevere, I don't want to ever lose sight of Calvary.

Na Messages - Infertility Style (Part 1)

I've spent some time each morning (almost!) for the past week and a half reviewing my notes from the New Attitude messages, re-reading the scriptures that were central to each sermon, and jotting down some thoughts about how to apply. Here's a recap:

Discernment - Josh Harris (Sat. p.m.)
Romans 12:1-2
- discernment requires resistance
- discernment requires renewal
- discernment requires action
- discernment requires the gospel
I want to exercise discernment in the realm of infertility. As my circumstances seem to belie God's promises, I want to reclaim truth from the Word daily. I want to practice God's will - to get busy doing what I know he wants me to do - until his will becomes to me good, acceptable, and perfect. I want to blog about infertility by speaking truth, dying to the desire to appear sophisticated. I want to humbly remember that any insight I have into dealing with this trial is only because the Spirit has opened my eyes to the gospel.

Discern Your Doctrine - Mark Dever (Sun. a.m.)
- learn what doctrine we must agree upon through the Bible, your church, & your conscience
- fourfold test for doctrinal importance: (1) how clear is it in Scripture? (2) how clear do others think it is? (3) how near is it to the gospel? (4) what would be the effects of allowing disagreement?

Discern Your Culture - Al Mohler (Sun. p.m.)
- 5 wrong ways of understanding culture (using the metaphor of water): (1) "let's get completely wet" - letting culture define reality; (2) "let's stay completely dry" - impossible, because we cannot talk, eat, etc. without participating in culture in some way; (3) "let's take a dip" - we can't carelessly drop into culture and emerge safe; (4) "let's take a sip" - we cannot understand culture without serious study; (5) "let's look at the aquarium" - we can't engage culture from a distance
- culture is a sea that we swim in; it can be poisonous, but we cannot jump out; we need a systematic theology to understand and relate to culture

Discern Your Heart - C.J. Mahaney (Sun. p.m.)
Ex. 20:2; Rom. 1:25; 1 Thes. 1:9; 1 Cor. 10:4; Col. 3:5; 1 John 5:21
- defining idolatry - a false, functional God
- discerning idolatry - through Scripture, by the Spirit, in the church, in circumstances
- the fruit of identifying idolatry - growth in godliness; growth in gratefulness to God
Idolatry is my chief temptation, whether I recognize it or not. I need new eyes to see the sacrifice Christ made to win me to worship and serve the true God. As I pursue hard after pregnancy and children, I need to be aware when those become ruling desires. When I am prone to envy friends who are pregnant or have children, I need to ask whether that is idolatrous covetousness. I want this test of adversity to wean me from idolatry. I need God's grace so that he - my professed God - truly becomes my functional god - the One who drives every desire that I have.

Na Worship - Infertility Style

My memory of the New Attitude worship times is fading fast when it comes to specifics. Generally, I remember the main theme echoing in my heart - as I filled with near-certainty that our first IVF was failing fast - was that if even the rocks and trees cry out to give God glory, then my tiny embryos too sang a song of praise to their Maker. Even as I grew more and more sure that those two sparks of life had slipped away, my cry was that they would bring God glory. If they bring God the most glory by failing to implant in my womb, then so be it. And that is, indeed, what happened.



For a full list of the songs we sang at each session, look here.

New Attitude - Infertility Style

We've now been back from the New Attitude conference for just over a week, and I'm still marshaling my thoughts and figuring out how to apply all I learned. The conference - primarily aimed at singles but open to young married couples - had a unique flavor for me as I spent most of the weekend with dawning realization that our first IVF had failed. I started spotting on our drive down to Louisville, and it continued for most of the weekend. As I struggled with the impending sorrow, I wondered why God wanted me at the conference at that particular time. The first few messages were all excellent, but they seemed to have no application whatsoever to my circumstances full of infertility and grief. But, even as I grumbled in my heart, the Lord met me in a very personal way. On Sunday evening - the halfway point of the conference - the worship time began with a few people sharing brief testimonies about how God has helped them in trials. Even then, my first reaction was to complain that I did not yet have a similar story about what God has done for me. Still, Aaron and I had a bittersweet time weeping before the Lord together. Then, Bob Kauflin sang a prophetic song for those experiencing a loss of some kind. The words he sang ministered balm to my soul and washed over me with awareness that my heavenly Father sees me, cares for me, and wants to speak to me. I knew in that moment that I was not just adrift at the conference but that the Savior had specific purposes for me there. The evening continued with a message on idolatry by C.J. Mahaney. (By the way, you can download all eight Na messages for FREE! from the Sovereign Grace Ministries website - link in sidebar.) Idolatry is a topic I have considered before, and one that is always helpful to hear again. C.J. spent quite a bit of time speaking about idolatry and tests of adversity, which definitely applied to me! One of the things he said that resonated most immediately was that tests of adversity are heightened when we encounter others who are undergoing tests of prosperity in the very same area. How true to my experience of infertility! Yet, what new eyes it brings to my situation to recognize that those friends who are blessed with children are facing tests, too - to be grateful and uncomplaining when nights with crying infants seem long, to keep the Lord as first priority rather than allowing children to be the little rulers of their lives, etc. As C.J. pointed out, biblical examples show that people tend to fail tests of prosperity more often than tests of adversity. So as God gives me grace in my affliction, I want to seek to help those friends who have had blessing poured out into their lives. I'm looking for scripture to renew my mind in that area and considering practical ways that I can put idolatry to death by serving others. We were encouraged at the conference to have one main application point, and that is mine - to be a blessing to those who are prospering with children and pregnancies even as I wade through adversity in that realm.

A few more general Na thoughts to come...

Here We Go Again - IVF #2

Just a quick update to say that we are beginning the process for IVF #2. My baseline ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday showed all reproductive organs and hormones back to normal, and Nurse Answers confirmed that our vacation at the end of June should not interfere with any appointments, so we have the all clear to start the suppression protocol. Since the first month of the process is so low-key - just BCP for three weeks, and then Lupron shots for ten days, but no daily appointments or major procedures - Aaron and I feel good about starting right up again. Supression is sort of a built-in lull in the intense storm of IVF.

Also, I will have a consult with Dr. Peppy on July 2 to discuss our first IVF and if we will make any changes to the protocol for this round. I'm compiling a list of questions to ask then - What exactly was our embryo quality? Was there anything obvious that caused the IVF to fail, or is it just a mystery why the embryos did not implant? Why is it taking such extremes of treatment to correct what seems like a relatively minor problem of low progesterone? Is there some part of the problem that we're missing, that we haven't tested for yet? Let me know if you have any suggestions for other questions to ask at a post-IVF consult.

Afflicted but Not Crushed

Yesterday morning, God kindly led me to read 2 Corinthians 4. Even though I expected negative news in the pregnancy department, I found myself full of fresh encouragement in the gospel through these words of the Lord...

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

God made light to shine out of the void of un-creation. He made light to shine out of the black of sin. And this same God can make light to shine in my bleak experience of infertility. Because of the gospel, I have been given the light of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. No darkness can ever extinguish that light. Though I am afflicted by the loss of my two babies-that-could-have-been, I am not crushed because the Father chose to crush his precious Son in my stead. Though I am perplexed that this IVF did not yield a pregnancy, I am not driven to despair because I have Christ in me, the hope of glory. Though I am persecuted by this enduring trial, Jesus was forsaken on the cross so that I will never be forsaken. Though I am struck down by the disappointing news we received yesterday, I am not destroyed because my soul is held secure in my Savior's wounded hands. Though I have now literally carried death in my body, I trust that the life of Jesus will be manifested through my body in all of its brokenness. Though my frail womb could not hold two embryos, my frail body can hold the treasure of the gospel because God's love and grace will never let me go. Though I am weak and weary, the surpassing power of the Lord is being shown in my suffering for his glory.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison...

In the Dark

Sadly, the two pinpricks of light and hope have been swallowed up in darkness. I grieve, dear embryos, that you could not live.

If You should speak or should remain in silence

Should give me light or lead me through the dark

Whatever cost, whatever joy or sorrow

I'll worship still, because of who You are.

(Starfield)

It seems that silence and darkness will remain yet longer. The cost is great, but I will keep fighting to trust and worship my Savior and Creator in the midst of sorrow.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

blessed be the name of the Lord."

(Job 1:21)

Tastes Like Chicken

Checking my Sitemeter stats recently, I discovered one of the funniest Google searches that has ever led a visitor to my blog: "chicken reproductive system pictures." I'm pretty sure my blog falls way, way down the list of results, so someone was searching hard for those pictures!

A couple blogs that I read regularly mentioned their "blogiversaries" this week, which caused me to curiously check my own records. My first post ever was on May 23, 2006, so that means this past Wednesday marked one year of blogging for me. Happy belated blogiversary to me!


We leave tomorrow for the New Attitude conference. I'm definitely looking forward to the teaching, worship, and fellowship - what better way to spend the last few days before beta day! (For those unfamiliar with infertility shorthand, beta refers to the qualitative HCG pregnancy blood test that most clinics do at the end of IUI or IVF cycles.) We'll be at the conference until Tuesday, and my beta is Wednesday morning. Thankfully, the wait has not felt too long and God has kept my heart fairly peaceful.


Speaking of the two embryos that are hopefully thriving in my uterus right now - whatever happened to the Great Embryo Nicknaming Contest? Well, honestly, I'm stymied. 3 winners and 2 embryos does not for easy nicknaming make. I've tried to think of clever combinations or monikers from the winners' names - Jonska? Robi? - but I'm not coming up with anything I really want to call my embryos for a while. And then, what happens if only one of the embryos implanted? How do I cut one of the nicknames? So, dear readers, I'm petitioning you. Suggest clever nicknames! If you're a contest winner, your suggestion gets extra weight. Cast your votes in the comments, which I'll tally when I get back from the conference. You have 4 days to let your imaginations run amok!

Trial by Prayer (3)

When we face unanswered prayer, we join the company of the Savior himself. Jesus - knowing that he was about to take the sins of the world upon his innocent self, anticipating the wrath of God that would be poured out on him as he hung upon the cross - pleaded with his Father, asking if there was any other way to accomplish the redemption of mankind. There was no other way, and Christ endured the utmost agony. Yet looking back on those events, Hebrews 5:7 can say, "In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence." Jesus prayed fervently to be spared the gruesome death on the cross, and his prayer was seemingly unanswered, but he was heard. He was saved from death, but that salvation took the form of resurrection after the cross, so that such salvation could extend to sinners like you and me. God the Father answered the prayers of God the Son, not specifically in the way that Jesus asked, but in an infinitely better way. What sweet solace, then, the gospel provides to us when our prayers seem to linger unanswered! The Savior, too, has cried loudly and wept deeply when his Father seemed to turn a deaf ear to him. He suffered the anguish of yearning and waiting and being denied, and he sympathizes with me when I petition over and over again. In fact, he now presents my petitions to the Father, intercedes on my behalf. I can trust that I too am heard, not because of my reverence but because of Christ's reverence. And I can rest assured that I too will receive an answer that far surpasses the best solution that I can imagine. In the midst of unanswered prayer, I have a blessed confidence in my Savior because "although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him" (Heb. 5:8-9). As I keep pleading for children, I hope to learn obedience through my suffering, and I know that God has already bestowed on me the best blessing in the hope of the gospel.

Trial by Prayer (2)

Many of the thoughts on prayer that I shared in my last post took shape in my mind as I read the chapter on prayer in Wayne Grudem's Bible Doctrine. Here are some notes that I took from the section about unanswered prayers:

- God keeps his wise plans hidden until the time he has decreed. When faced with unanswered prayer, I need to humbly admit that God need not let me know what he is doing.

- Sometimes we do not pray as we ought, because we think one plan is best when God has a better solution.

- When our prayers are unanswered, we join the company of Paul - who prayed for his thorn to be removed from him and it was not - and Jesus - who prayed for the cup of God's wrath to be removed from him and it was not.

- When our prayers go unanswered, we must continue to trust God, casting our cares on him and remembering that his strength is sufficient.

- We must continue to pray. Sometimes a long-awaited answer will suddenly be given, as was the case with Hannah when she at last conceived Samuel.

- Sometimes prayer will remain unanswered in this life or for eternity, but the faith of prayer still brings glory to God.

Words are insufficient to express how grateful I am - we are - to all of you who have earnestly prayed along with us during this season of affliction and waiting. We have especially felt the effect of your prayers in the past week; the encouragement has been tangible. Whatever the answer to our prayers, whatever the outcome of this IVF in particular and of this fight against infertility in general, I take great delight in knowing that all these prayers of faith offered up on our behalf are bringing significant glory to the One who saves.

Trial by Prayer (1)

Infertility has presented me with plenty of occasion to pray and to consider the topic of prayer, especially unanswered prayer. What does it mean that all my prayers for children have gone unanswered for so long? Am I praying wrongly? How do I continue to pray - just repeat the prayers I have been offering up for years, or look for new ways to ask, or give up asking? I know I am not the first to ask these questions, and nor will I be the last.

In all my petitions for a child, I identify myself with the persistent widow of Luke 18. The widow faces a wicked judge who will not give her justice. Yet she returns to him again and again, repeatedly asking for justice until he finally gives in. Jesus says that he tells this story so that we will always pray and not lose heart; if a reluctant, hardened man will answer such faithful requests, how much more will our faithful God give justice without delay?

So, like that widow, I ask again and again. And yet - is my desire for a child really a yearning for justice? It is not unjust that I am childless. It certainly feels like it at times, when I want to whine, "God, it's not fair! Why does so and so have a child, and I don't? Don't I deserve it? Haven't I pleaded long enough? What am I doing wrong, that you will not bless me?" But the Lord does not give to or withhold from me based on my merits; he relates to me on the basis of Christ's merits, so I receive much better than I deserve. So when prayer goes unanswered, I must examine what I am really asking. James 4:2-3 says, "You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." I've certainly begged for children, so my lack of children is not due to lack of asking. So then am I asking wrongly, selfishly? Is it possible that I could only want a child to "spend on my passions"? Well, yes, sometimes. Sometimes, if I am honest, I want a baby for base, earthly reasons - so I can buy cute baby things, so I won't be left out of conversations with friends who are moms, so I can impress people with my parenting skills. I want to want children for holy, eternal reasons - for the sake of the gospel - but my motives are often mixed. So is that why my prayers linger unanswered?

A few months ago, in the midst of evaluating whether or not to pursue IVF, I read the account of Paul's "thorn" in 2 Corinthians 12. Paul says he pleaded three times with the Lord about this, and then received the answer that power is perfected in weakness. Paul's thorn - whatever it was - was there to stay, and he would be content with that. Umm, three times, Paul? You asked three times, you didn't get what you asked, and that was that? I've asked for children a few more times than three. About, oh, 80,000 times more than three. So as I read that account, I wondered - have I been asking too long? Had I already received my answer? Have I been carrying on in denial? Would trying IVF merely be an attempt to manipulate around God's negative reply? These questions weighed on me as we considered our options - IVF, adoption, or remain childless. Still, I did not feel like my prayers had received an answer one way or the other. The Lord spoke directly to Paul, saying he would not remove Paul's thorn and wanted Paul to rest in his sufficient grace. I don't think I've gotten that kind of specific answer yet. It seems that God wants me to keep praying, keep waiting.

As I have sought to understand how to pray and how to respond when my prayers go unanswered, I try to take the whole body of Scripture into account. There are examples like Paul, who learns to be content when he is told no. Then there are examples like Zechariah, who in his old age was visited by an angel who said, "Your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son...And you shall have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth." How long must Zechariah and Elizabeth have prayed for that baby! How disheartened they must have gotten! Yet here, at long last, comes joy and gladness when prayer is heard.

I don't know yet how my prayers for children will be answered. I pray daily for God to sustain both of the embryos that are in my womb right now. Perhaps these will be the prayers that are finally answered with a triumphant, resounding, "Yes!" But perhaps not. Will I be like Paul, or will I be like Zechariah? Am I to persist in asking, or am I to recognize that my prayers are too selfish, not in line with God's will? I do not know. But until I do, I keep knocking, seeking, asking. I seek to live by the following words from 1 Thessalonians 5: "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

All Aboard!

Embryo transfer went really, really well. We met with the doctor, who gave us the news that two of the embryos arrested at four-cell development, which meant we had two to transfer today (one eight-cell, and one five-cell). We listened with mixed reactions, sadness for the little ones that didn't make it, but relief that we wouldn't have to face the possibility of high-order-multiples or freeze any embryos. We are so grateful for the two little embryos I now have on board, and we pray that we get to meet both of them in about nine months. The actual transfer was pretty incredible. The really kind ultrasound tech explained everything that we were seeing at each moment as the doctor worked. She showed us the "embryo condo" - my uterus with a plush lining. She pointed out the catheter as it entered. Then, she told us to watch carefully as the embryos dropped from the catheter into the uterus - plop! plop! Two little bright spots on a grey screen, two tiny carriers of hope, two minuscule lives winking at us. We were both awed and teary-eyed. What a miracle! What a blessing that we could see that moment when our hopefully-babies entered the womb! How amazing is our Creator God! We were given a picture of the screen with an arrow pointing to our embryos, and I will treasure that picture as we wait two long weeks to find out whether those little lights will grow or fade.

It looks like we have three winners of the Great Embryo Nicknaming Contest of May 2007. Since there are only two embryos at this point, there will have to be some negotiating on the nicknames. The nicknames will debut...sometime. The song, by the way, was "Ashes" by Harrod & Funck.

Unformed Substance (Updated)

Well, we still have four! I could hardly believe it when the nurse called today. Our embryo transfer is scheduled for 11:40 a.m. tomorrow**. Before the transfer, the doctor and embryologist will take time to update us on how the embryos are doing - if they are all still developing normally. We'll be given a recommendation about how many to transfer, but we will have the final say (according to the nurse on the phone today). If we ask them to transfer more than recommended, they'll confirm it with Dr. Peppy before giving us the go-ahead. We continue to feel giddy and petrified at the same time. These little embryos have surged past all expectations...

My faith for the possibilities ahead of us was strengthened this morning by Psalm 139. The Lord knows my frame and all my thoughts and emotions. He knows if I am physically capable of carrying multiples - even quadruplets, if it comes to that! He knows exactly what my response is to this "happy problem." The dark mysteries of life are like bright light for God - he sees clearly where I cannot. Even now, he is intricately knitting and weaving together the unformed substance of our four little embryos. He has planned exactly how many hours or years each embryo will live. Such knowledge is truly too wonderful for me, to lofty for me to attain. So I trust in the One who knows and who reigns and who loves.

*Winners of the embryo nicknaming contest will be announced after we know how many are on board, so it's not too late to cast your vote! (But don't cheat by looking for correct answers in the comments!)

**edited to add: We were not given the option of a 5-day-transfer when the nurse called, and we were glad to have at least one less decision.

Expert in Everything from Embryos to Empires

So I'm actually feeling far from being an expert in embryos right now. But if someone can name the tune/band that gave me my title*, I might consider nicknaming one of the embryos after you. One of the 4 embryos. All four eggs fertilized! I'm feeling very blessed and little overwhelmed right now. The nurse I spoke with didn't have any information on how those four are growing, so we have to wait until tomorrow's phone call for more details and instructions on when to come in for transfer. It will either be a 3-day-transfer on Wednesday, or a 5-day-blastocyst-transfer on Friday. A 5dt is more likely to result in pregnancy, because the embryos that make it that far are stronger, more developed, and more likely to implant. But not all the embryos will make it to day 5, so it raises all sorts of questions for us about what is most respectful to these little potential babies that are growing in petri dishes... This may all be a moot point, because I don't know if we have any say in when we do the transfer. We'll know more tomorrow. I am honestly shocked that all four fertilized. I know that God is sovereign over this, and I am praying that He will cause just the right number to grow and be ready for transfer. If all four keep growing, we'll be faced with some tough decisions about whether to push to transfer all four (yikes!) or to allow a couple to be frozen. We really don't want to freeze any, so we're hoping it doesn't come to that. But does that mean that I am asking God to stop some of these embryos from growing? I don't know, it's all so mind-boggling. Four. Four! FOUR! Lord, have mercy.

*enter your guesses in the comments

I Wanna Be Sedated

Egg retrieval - check. It all went fairly seamlessly. We showed up an hour early, as requested, and then did nothing but sit for an hour in the waiting room. Mysterious... Shortly after 11 a.m., our scheduled appointment time, they brought us back to the recovery room, instructed me to change, and claimed Aaron's specimen from him. We were asked by just about every person we saw, "So you only want 4 eggs fertilized? Is that right? We just want to double-check." Yes, please, just 4. They asked if we were okay with ICSI, which is their standard procedure. We said that was fine, although we were a little curious to find out if Aaron's sperm would be able to fertilize my eggs on their own. But we definitely choose better chances of fertilization over satisfying our curiosity. A very nice nurse took care of me, weighing me, asking me to empty my bladder multiple times (this when I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since the night before - per instructions!), taking my blood pressure, etc. Then she brought me back to the retrieval room. The anesthetist inserted the IV, then made small talk with me, and then I remember nothing. I woke up back in the recovery room with Aaron. He says I seemed awake when they brought me back in on a wheelchair, but that I didn't respond when he kissed me - I have no recollection of that. The friendly nurse brought us both some water, juice, and crackers, checked my blood pressure a few more times, and kept me until I could stand up and use the bathroom. We got 18 eggs - almost an embarrassing wealth when we only want four. But we are grateful that all went well.

I've been lounging on the couch all afternoon. The doctor who did the retrieval told Aaron that I couldn't do any cleaning, cooking, or housework of any form, and that I was not allowed to lift anything heavier than a credit card and a cell phone - cute! My midsection feels pretty sore, but nothing too bad. Aaron gave me the first progesterone-in-oil (PIO) shot tonight. The anticipation of Aaron plunging a long, thick needle into my hip was pretty nerve-wracking, but the actual injection was not so bad. Ice before, massage and heat after definitely seem to help.

I'll post again tomorrow (so many posts lately!) when we get the fertilization report. We're praying hard for just the right number of embryos...