NIAW: My Story Project*

When I signed up for health insurance with my job, I looked with some interest at the maternity coverage. I figured it wouldn't be too long before my husband and I would want to start a family, so I was pleased to see that we could expect very few out-of-pocket costs for prenatal visits and for labor and delivery. It never crossed my mind to check the insurance policy for infertility coverage. When we neared the one-year mark in our attempts to conceive a child, I went back to that insurance booklet to discover - to my surprise and delight - that our HMO provided coverage for all the diagnostic procedures, medicines, and treatments for infertility (excluding those still deemed experimental). I later found out that this wasn't just the luck of the insurance draw, but that my state mandates insurance coverage for infertility - up to four IVF attempts for a first child, plus an additional two attempts for a second child.

Without insurance, we could not have pursued medical treatment of our infertility. I am so grateful that we have not had to face financial pressures on top of the emotional, physical, marital, and spiritual difficulties that pile on month after month of failing to conceive. As a young couple fresh out of college, we already had a load of debt from school and car loans. A loan for the purpose of building our family would have been, sadly, unthinkable. Thankfully, the Illinois laws that mandate insurance coverage for infertility meant that we could freely pursue the medical options before us. I remember getting the large box of injections and pills for our first IVF attempt and noting with relief that we only had to pay about 10% of the $2000 price tag. Though we have not achieved pregnancy through the IUIs or IVFs we have done so far, we have hope for our remaining two insurance-covered IVF cycles. And at least the multiple negative results of the past two years have not carried the added injury of costly invoices.

So many people in so many different life situations face infertility. The media tends to focus on women at the end of their fertile years who suddenly realize that their child-bearing years are drawing to an end. The implication is that those women made choices to pursue things other than children and now are reaping their reward. But infertility is not something anyone chooses. We certainly did not. We began trying to conceive when we were each 25 years old, only a couple years into our marriage. We wanted (and still want) to be young parents, and we want our parents to be able to actively enjoy their grandchildren. Medical problems have postponed the start of our family, but insurance coverage means that the dream might still come true.

*Flicka and Melissa have asked infertility bloggers to share their experiences of infertility and insurance coverage during NIAW; this is my contribution to the project.

NIAW

Yesterday kicked off National Infertility Awareness Week. Here are a few informative tidbits:

- Medically speaking, infertility is the inability to conceive after a year of unprotected intercourse; infertility is also diagnosed if a woman has multiple miscarriages.

- Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population.

- About 35% of infertility cases are due female problems; about 35% are due to male problems. Approximately 20% involve both male and female factors, and 10% of infertility cases have no known explanation.

- The varied causes that contribute to infertility include: endometriosis, structural abnormalities in the reproductive system, weak or no ovulation, thyroid imbalances, low sperm counts, sperm with poor motility or morphology, immune issues, blood clotting disorders, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and more. (This is why stories about your best friend's second cousin who finally got pregnant after seven years aren't helpful; the underlying reasons may be wildly different, so such stories don't provide any realistic encouragement.)

- Patients undergoing infertility treatments have been found to have rates of depression similar to those facing AIDS or cancer.

If you'd like to learn more about infertility, you can visit the website of the national fertility organization RESOLVE. They have a helpful section for family and friends of those who are having trouble conceiving, including articles like "How Can I Help?" and "Don't Tell Them to Relax (or What Not to Say)." They capture the experience of infertility pretty well (although some discernment is needed about the best Christian response). While I don't want to make infertility the issue that defines my life - that function belongs only to the gospel of Christ - this week seems like a good time to highlight the broader impact of this particular concern.

I'd also like to take the opportunity afforded by NIAW to thank all of my fertile friends who have been so supportive and compassionate during these past years. Though you may not understand all of the heartache, you have been so thoughtful and sympathetic and encouraging. I know you don't always know what to say, but you have all been so sensitive. I have rarely been the recipient of thoughtless, hurtful comments about infertility, and I am so grateful to such gracious friends!

Different by Design

The message at church this morning addressed a topic that has featured significantly in my thinking as a Christian woman - God's design for gender. Gender issues are not the gospel, so I do try not to make them the focus of my Christian life. But what we believe about gender has a lot of practical influence on our daily living, and the Bible has much to say about who we are as men and women. What Scripture teaches about gender generates controversy, and I've been on both sides of the debate at various times. I'll share my notes from today's sermon, and then I'll add a bit of my own story and perspective at the end.

According to God's Word, men and women have equal value and dignity before God. We share the privilege of being God's image-bearers (Gen. 1:27). Every discussion about gender difference must start with an assertion of our absolute equality. Along with our equality, we also have differences as men and women. Scripture particularly describes the different roles we have in marriage. God established these roles as part of his created order - not as a result of the fall. The Genesis account indicates this in several ways: the order of creation (man first, then woman - re-emphasized in 1 Tim. 2:12-13), the man's naming of woman (the role of naming carried a degree of authority), the primary accountability of the man (Adam is the first one held responsible for Eve's sin, although she bears responsibility, too), the purpose of creation (Eve made a helper for Adam, not vice versa), and the distortion and restoration of our differences (compare the curse in Gen. 3:16 to the warning to Cain in Gen. 4:7). The Biblical ideal for the husband is loving, humble leadership; because of sin, men are prone to errors of passivity - being shirkers - or errors of aggression - being tyrants. The Biblical ideal for the wife is joyful, intelligent submission; because of sin women are prone to errors of passivity - being doormats - or errors of aggression - being usurpers. The equality and the difference in gender reflect the equality and the differences of the Trinity (1 Cor. 11:3), where headship and submission have existed for eternity. If we dislike these things, we dislike something about the very nature of God. We can glorify God by gladly embracing the wisdom and beauty of his good design.

This teaching about gender helped me as I continue to clarify my thinking about my role as a woman and as a wife. As a teen, I took the traditional roles for granted but began to question how I fit in as a young lady always being praised for her "leadership" gift. In college, I sought and bought into a lot of teaching about evangelical feminism. But as Aaron and I prepared for marriage, I found myself confronted by a biblical text that I could not explain away as cultural or historical or part of the fall - the teaching in Ephesians 5 about husbands and wives relating to each other as a reflection of Christ and the church. Christ heads the church, and the church submits to Christ. That relationship is eternal, unchanging with culture, never to be inverted so that Christ would sometimes submit to the church. So although I still had a lot of questions about how the roles would work out practically in our marriage, I felt convicted that I needed to embrace my God-given role as a wife who submits to her husband. Looking back, I can see that most of my reluctance to the biblical teaching about gender stemmed from two fears: one, that as a woman I would be seen as inferior, and two, that my gifts and talents would be squandered or squelched if I took on the "traditional" role. I've learned that being my husband's helper does neither of those things. The fact that Aaron needs my help doesn't mean I have a lesser part; I get the privilege of using my abilities to their fullest in service to my best friend and love. It doesn't matter which one of us is naturally better at any one thing; we are each equal before God, and we are each given certain responsibilities by God. We serve each other - him by humbly leading, and me by joyfully helping. We're both growing in these roles, and we're reaping the benefits of the Lord's design for gender equality and difference.

I know there are probably a lot of different perspectives about this issue among you blog readers. Where do you stand? What from the teaching I summarized (in paragraph two) stood out to you?

Guacamole

I'm a big fan of guacamole, and this is the best recipe I've found. We're bringing about a triple batch of this to a party this afternoon, so I thought I'd go ahead and post the recipe today!

4 ripe avocados
2-4 Roma tomatoes, diced
1/8-1/4 cup chopped red onion
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 lime
1 tsp oregano
salt & pepper

Peel & pit avocados; mash in a medium bowl. Add diced tomato, red onion, garlic & oregano. Squeeze lime juice over avocado mixture, season to taste with salt & pepper. Stir and serve immediately.

Mackinac Pics

our room at Bay View

on the streets of Mackinac

Arch Rock

all dressed up for a night of ballroom dance
(didn't my husband buy me a pretty dress?)

These aren't all our Mackinac pictures, but the rest are - ready for this? - on a roll of film that we haven't finished and developed yet. Yes, we still use one of those old-fangled film cameras. We've been saying that we'll buy a nice digital camera once we have kids, but maybe it's time to stop hinging our move into the modern photography era on that clause, huh?

Mackinac Island

A couple weekends ago, we had an absolutely lovely time celebrating our fifth anniversary a little early with a trip to Mackinac Island. We started the drive up to Michigan on a Thursday evening and stayed with my Aunt Judy in Holland, MI, that night. It was a treat to see her, and she spoiled us with banket (a favorite Dutch pastry) for dessert AND breakfast. On Friday morning, we visited my 98-year-old Grandpa and my grandma Ruth. Grandpa and Ruth were both widowed before they married each other, and they just celebrated their 24th anniversary; can you imagine re-marrying in your 70's and then being married for more than 20 years?! After looking at a bunch of Grandpa's fishing and hunting pictures, we left to finish the drive up to Mackinac.

Mackinac Island sits in the waters where Lake Michigan and Lake Huron meet, between the lower and upper peninsulas of Michigan. We saw some gorgeous fall colors on the trees as we drove north - vivid reds, lively oranges, and bright yellows, especially beautiful contrasted with the white trunks of the birch trees. The colors were a little past peak on the island itself, but we still got to enjoy a lot of pretty yellows and browns. From the highest elevation on the island, we had splendid views of colorful leaves and vast blue waters.

My husband spoiled me with all kinds of gifts for the weekend. Before we left, he let me buy a new dress that cost a lot more than I would usually spend. Then he gave me two new CDs to enjoy on the drive - Overdressed by Caedmon's Call and The Trumpet Child by Over the Rhine. When we arrived at our bed and breakfast, he surprised me with some bubble bath, massage oil, and a neck pillow. We had just talked about a month before about how I would like him to grow in creativity and initiative when it comes to romance, so I was very blessed by all the loving and thoughtful gifts!

We stayed at the Bay View Bed and Breakfast (which was really more like an inn, but still lovely). We brought movies and books along and spent a lot of time relaxing together in our cozy room, enjoying the special Bay View blend coffee that was always available. We took a carriage tour of the island one day, and we biked all around it the next. (Mackinac doesn't allow any motorized vehicles on the island, so all transportation is by horse or bike.) On Saturday night, we attended a ballroom dance at the Grand Hotel. We've taken a few lessons and feel confident with basic foxtrot, waltz, cha cha, and swing steps, but we were way out of our league with this crowd! Still, it was a joy to dance together and to try to pick up a few new moves by watching the near-professionals on the floor. It made us both want to take more lessons!

The long weekend on Mackinac Island was so restful; the pace of life is so much slower there. What a blessing to spend almost five days of peaceful, uninterrupted time with my dear husband!

(I'll post pictures tomorrow; that way I can fill up another day for NaBloPoMo!)

I might be crazy...

...but I'm going to attempt NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) this November. If all goes according to plan, expect to see a lot more of me 'round these parts!

Creamy Chicken Enchiladas

This chicken enchilada recipe, which I've gradually modified over the years to its current state, is one of our favorites:

• 1 can cream of chicken soup
• 1 cup sour cream
• 2-3 cups cooked, shredded chicken
• 1 small can diced green chiles
• 2-3 cups shredded cheese (Mexican blend or Colby Jack work well)
• 8-10 flour tortillas (8")
• 1 can of your favorite enchilada sauce
  

Preheat oven to 350F. In a medium pot, combine cream of chicken soup, sour cream, cooked chicken, and green chiles. Stir over medium heat until combined and warmed through; remove from heat. Spoon a bit of the mixture (in a line, just off center) onto a tortilla; sprinkle cheese on top of the mixture. Roll up the tortilla and place, seam side down, into a 9x13 baking pan. Repeat with remaining tortillas. Pour enchilada sauce over the top; spread, if necessary, to cover tortillas completely. Sprinkle cheese on top and bake for 30 minutes, until cheese is golden. (If you like a crispier cheese topping, broil enchiladas for a couple minutes at the end of cooking time.)

If I have extra chicken mixture after I've filled all the tortillas, I spread it over the top before I pour on the enchilada sauce. Sometimes I substitute green onions for the green chiles (sprinkle a few green onions on top for a pretty garnish). If I'm serving a larger crowd, I just use an extra can of cream of chicken soup to make more filling.

Mmmm, I'll definitely be making these for dinner tonight!

Desperate (Biblical, Infertile) Housewives

A reader recently e-mailed me this thought-provoking question: "Do you wish that you had fertilized more eggs and frozen [the resulting embryos]?" The answer to that is a qualified yes and a resounding no.

The failure of two IVFs certainly does leave one questioning the methods. If we had fertilized more eggs, would I be pregnant by now? Maybe. Would we have gotten two embryo transfers for the price of one (or four for the price of two, as the case would have it)? Most likely. Is it tempting to pursue a different course, to fertilize as many eggs as I can produce in one go? Sure. It's tempting because my idolatrous heart wants pregnancy and children at any cost, thinking that a cuddly baby (or two, or three) would be more satisfying that the joy of loving my Savior through obedience. But by God's grace, that temptation to play willy-nilly with little few-celled human lives in pursuit of my dreams is kept in check by convictions about what God has to say about life and about his sovereignty and goodness.

My reader's question dovetailed neatly with some of my recent musings during my devotional reading. Our pastors have recently begun teaching through the book of Genesis, so I'm taking some time to read a couple chapters in Genesis each morning. It's an interesting read for an infertile. Sarah - barren. Rebekah - barren. Rachel - barren. Of Rebekah's struggle we don't know much, other than the poignant statement that she conceived after her husband prayed for her (Gen. 25:21). (And then she went on to have twins. I can just imagine the comments; "Ooh, twins! Do they run in your family, or did you use mandrakes?") Sarah, desperate to find her own way to fulfill God's promise to make a people from Abraham's descendants, convinced her husband to impregnate her servant girl. Ditto Rachel, who was caught up in a jealous battle with her sister. I used to read these accounts and scoff at the crazy lengths these women would go to for the sake of having children. Then came my own infertility and an increased sympathy for these biblical characters (and a gratitude to God for including their struggles in his inspired word!). But still, their methods seemed a bit baffling. Sharing your husband with another woman just to have a child to which you'd have a very dubious claim? I would never do that! And yet in moments dank and grim, I wonder how I'd look to them*. During this recent reading of Genesis, God has allowed me to see more of my own heart in these ancient women. To my modern mind, the ways that Sarah and Rachel fought against infertility in their polygamous society seem so obviously wrong. To them, I'm sure all of our contemporary assisted reproductive technologies would seem bewildering and unthinkable. The culture is different, the methods are different, but here's the thing: The hearts that desperately desire children, the hearts that are deceitful above all things, those hearts are the same. Those hearts need a perspective of grace to see that the fact that nothing else seems to work does not make it right to go against God's standards in the quest to attain the blessing of children. When I consider what steps to take next, now that two IVFs have failed, I want to remember my early sisters and to see that I am just as capable of the same sinful desperation. In a culture where ART is normal and acceptable, I want to beg for God's mercy to keep me adhering to his principles - particularly the sanctity of human life and of marriage - in the face of the array of options.

So do I wish that we had fertilized more eggs and frozen embryos? Ultimately, no. God has given us convictions that freezing embryos would presume upon the future and would be disrespectful to life made in his image. We might change our IVF protocol, we might pursue different ways and means of having children, but we will keep seeking to trust that God's ways are best. He has laid down principles for my good and for his glory, and I have no regrets in following those.

*Thanks, Mr. Nash. And thanks, Dad, for frequently quoting his poetry to me.

UP, UP and Away

In just minutes, we're heading up for a weekend getaway to Mackinac Island and the UP (upper peninsula) of Michigan. Yippee!

A few weekends ago, we went apple-picking with family at a local orchard. Here are some photos of Aaron and me, our nephews, and our neice:*



And here is a link to the yummy apple crisp that I made with the apples we picked.

Enjoy your weekend!

*I don't know why this text turned into a hyperlink, and I don't have time to fix it. Oh well...

Three Cheers for the New OB-GYN

The appointment with the new OB-GYN went really, really well. This doctor seemed pretty knowledgeable about infertility, for someone who's not a specialist. He knew that the diagnosis of a luteal phase defect has become suspect in medical circles recently. He talked with me about how important it is to find a good RE (one who "won't sell you snake oil," he said) when you have so much invested emotionally, physically, and financially. He didn't treat me as though I am ignorant but assumed a mutual familiarity with the tests and treatments as we discussed those topics. A doctor who understands how difficult infertility is and who respects his patient's opinions and intelligence - gasp!

He gave me some helpful thoughts about the options before us in getting a referral to a new RE. Although he said he respects Dr. Peppy as a doctor, he did seem to question how little testing she had done before launching us into treatments. He highly recommended the doctors at the Fertility Institute at Posh Hospital; because he does not know anything about the doctors at Oh Baby Fertility Center, he was unable to recommend them. I browsed the IVF Connection boards (thanks to the commenter who pointed me that way!) to see what people had to say about Posh Hospital and Oh Baby; many people raved about Posh Hospital, while only one or two people commented about Oh Baby. It sounds like Posh Hospital does very thorough testing, which appeals to us right now. So we're leaning that way, but we're still thinking and praying. The new OB-GYN said that he'd write an open referral and that we could call anytime to finalize it with whatever RE we choose. Keep the poll votes coming in (and I think you can change your vote if you want to do so based on the new information), and I'll let you know what we decide.

Rejoicing with the Shiny, Happy People

Carolyn McCulley offers an excellent article on rejoicing with those who receive blessings that you want. To whet your appetite:

At the mall, you spot a former classmate — and her conspicuous baby bump. Another baby shower invitation lurks in your future.

You? You still wait. And wait.

At first, waiting is hard. Hope lurks around the corner of every new situation. But experience eventually confers a steely resignation. It doesn't even feel good to cry anymore. Self-pity has lost its allure.

Then, the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit breaks into your grey fog of dashed hopes. In a heart filled with unexpectant apathy, these gentle words bubble up in the first moments of waking: "Rejoice with those who rejoice."

Impossible, you think drowsily. I need to withdraw from those happy, shiny people. That's how I manage it, this guarding my heart. Opening your eyes, anger surges over the first light of the day. God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible.

Ah, but it is possible, you know. It's not only possible, it's a biblical command. A command, however, that is wrapped in grace and sprinkled with hope. (Read more...)

Doctor, Doctor! Doctor, Doctor?

On Thursday, I have an appointment with my new OB-GYN. (Remember that insurance change I mentioned before?) The appointment will be a consultation to discuss renewing my referral to an infertility specialist. I've been doing a lot of research to prepare for this appointment, because we're thinking about making some changes before we pursue our last two insurance-covered IVF cycles. We're considering adding a little alternative medicine into the mix - maybe acupuncture, maybe chiropractic care, maybe professional massage, or maybe some combination. I've been educating myself on those options, and I plan to ask the new doctor what his opinion is of the effectiveness of those things in conjunction with ART (assisted reproductive technologies). We're also strongly considering asking for a referral to a different fertility center. Initially, I really wanted to stick with Dr. Peppy and the folks at her network of clinics; despite the insurance changes, I wanted the comfort of the familiar. But this post about the importance of comparing success rates at local clinics spurred me to do a little research. I had looked at the SART reports for Dr. Peppy et al before, and they seemed pretty decent. With my new-found motivation, I looked at the reports again and this time compared them with other nearby clinics. I found three other clinics here in the western suburbs of Chicago with better success rates! I called all three to ask two main questions: (1) do you take our insurance? (2) are you willing to work within our Christian ethical constraints (fertilizing only a few eggs, transferring all viable embryos, freezing/discarding none)? Only one did not work with our insurance, and the two remaining both said they'd accommodate our beliefs. At my consultation on Thursday, I plan to ask the new OB-GYN what he knows about these clinics and their doctors, to find out which is best in his opinion. We'll get a new referral from there. Here's the break-down of the options (using 2005 data, the most recent available):

Dr. Peppy et al
Total cycles: 2,270
Number of cycles* for patients <35: 802
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births (<35): 36%
Proven in the past to be willing to work with our ethical concerns, albeit somewhat grudgingly.

The Fertility Institute at Posh Hospital
Total cycles: 535
Number of cycles (<35): 160
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births (<35): 47.8%
Said they would definitely work with our ethical concerns

Oh Baby Fertility Center
Total cycles: 158
Number of cycles (<35): 58
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births (<35): 55.3%
When I explained that we were Christians and detailed our ethical concerns, the staff person enthusiastically said they would work with us and went on to say that they can, to avoid putting any "life" (her word!) in danger, freeze unfertilized eggs to be thawed and fertilized for later cycles.

What do you think? On one hand, it would be nice to stick with a clinic that already knows me; on the other hand, it might be beneficial to get fresh eyes on our treatment. Changing practices could cause some delays if we needed to redo diagnostic tests, but maybe we ought to have those tests redone anyway since it has been almost two years since we did them. I like how much experience Dr. Peppy's group have (they have done so many cycles!), but their success rates are lower. Posh Hospital seems like a good middle ground, with a significant number of total cycles and higher success rates. Oh Baby hasn't done that many cycles, comparatively, but they have a fabulous success rate and I really liked the response I got to my questions. Then there's the factor of location; it's not a big deal most of the time, but something conveniently nearby is significant during the spate of daily appointments. Dr. Peppy's office is a 20 minute drive, but retrieval and transfer must be done in downtown Chicago (one-and-a-half hour drive). Posh Hospital is so close I could bike there (though that's probably not advisable with loaded ovaries!), and all monitoring, retrieval, and transfer are done at the same site. Oh Baby is probably 20-25 minutes away. So, leave your thoughts in the comments, and then - are you ready for this interactivity?! - cast a vote on the poll in the sidebar to the right. We won't necessarily go with the poll winner, but I'm curious to get input from all of you.

*cycles = IVF done with fresh embryos (not frozen) using the patient's own eggs (not donor)

Pumpkin Bars

A few ladies have requested this recipe* lately. This favorite dessert has lots of yummy fall flavor, but I keep the ingredients on hand year round!

Pumpkin Bars

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 3/4 tsp ginger
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg
• 1/8 tsp allspice
• 1/8 tsp cloves
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 3/4 tsp salt
• 2 sticks butter (room temperature)
• 1 1/4 cups sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup canned pumpkin puree (freeze the remaining puree for later use)
• 12 oz semisweet chocolate chips
  

Preheat oven to 350F. Line bottom and sides of a 9x13 baking pan with foil, leaving an overhand on all sides. (Andrea's tip: with your pan upside-down, mold the foil over the bottom, then flip the pan over and drop the foil in.) In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, spices, baking soda, & salt; set aside. With an electric mixer, cream butter & sugar; beat in egg & vanilla. Beat in pumpkin puree (mixture may appear curdled). Mix in dry ingredients until just combined. Fold in chocolate chips. Spread batter in pan. Bake until edges begin to pull away from sides of pan and a toothpick inserted in center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached, 35-40 min. Cool completely in pan. Lift cake from pan, using foil as an aid. Peel off foil, and cut into squares with a serrated knife.

Yum!

*I'd like to start posting recipes more regularly; I'll aim for once a week.

HTML & CMN* SOS (Updated)

I'm working on adding a third column to my blog, where I hope to feature a reading list. I've spent several hours already buried in HTML code, attempting to make some sense out of its (to me) foreignness. I'm close (I can get a third column to show up) but still without the proverbial cigar (with that third column in place, I can't yet get all the pretty dots to line up; plus, I get a weird dotted line all the way across my screen; it's not awful, but I'm more than a bit picky about such things). If anyone has a good grip on HTML and can tell me what to do, let me know! Until I sort things out, you may see a right-hand column popping in and out with various configurations. You're not going crazy; I am.

In the meantime, entertain yourselves by brainstorming names for our new chipmunk friend. A few weeks after the sad disappearance of Thelonius, a smaller and so far less mischievous chipmunk moved into the vicinity of our patio. We've thought of possible names like Francis, Aloysius, etc. - playing more on the monastery monk kind of theme, but we're not stuck on that. Leave your votes and suggestions in the comments to help us find a moniker for our neighborly chipmunk!

*CMN=ChipMunk Name

(UPDATE 10/7/07) Great galloping gargoyles, I think I figured out the whole 3-column thing! Let me know if it looks funny on your screen, but it's all aligned pretty well on mine.

Oh Austin, My Austin

We're heading to Austin, arriving Tuesday night and returning home on Sunday evening. Aaron goes to work; he'll be meeting with some clients and exhibiting at a conference. I'll be visiting family and friends. My parents, brother, grandpa, and several cousins live in Austin, and a lot of close friends from high school live just over an hour away in Waco (including Amanda, Adam & Brooke). In addition to seeing some of our favorite people, we're also hoping to hit a few favorite spots, like Kerbey Lane and El Chile. And Aaron turns 28 on Saturday - his first Texas birthday!

Southwesty

After about one year of marriage, I discovered a love of cooking. (Before that, we ate a lot of pancakes and pasta for dinner!) I enjoy how a daily necessity can turn into a chance to work with my hands and get a little creative. I try at least one new recipe a month, and if we really like it I add it to a repertoire that I pull from for monthly meal planning. Here are two new additions to our regular dinner rotation, a pair of southwest-style recipes that I adapted from Everyday Food magazine. (If you do not have a subscription to Everyday Food, get one! BEST RECIPES EVER! Easy! Tasty! Really, go subscribe now; I'll wait...) I modified both of these to make them less spicy, because I have the mildest tastebuds ever formed on a human tongue.

Southwestern Corn Chowder (serves 2-4)
1 tbsp butter
1 green onion, thinly sliced, white & green parts separated
1 medium carrot, thinly sliced
dash of cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp dried oregano
salt & pepper
1 potato, peeled and diced
10 oz frozen corn
1 can low-sodium chicken broth
1 cup milk
shredded cheese (cheddar, Colby, or Monterey Jack)

In a medium pot, melt butter over medium heat. Add white part of green onion, carrot, cayenne pepper, & oregano; season w/ salt & pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, about 2 minutes. Add potato, corn, broth, & milk. Bring to a boil over medium-high, then reduce to a simmer. Cook 15-20 min., until potato is easily pierced w/ the tip of a knife. Divide into bowls, and top w/ remaining green onion and cheese.

Black-Bean Tostadas w/ Corn Relish (serves 4)
2 limes
2 green onions, thinly sliced
10 oz frozen corn
3 tbsp olive oil
salt & pepper
1 pint grape tomatoes, halved
8 oz Monterey Jack cheese, coarsely grated
4 flour tortillas (6-inch)
1 can black beans
1 avocado

In the morning... Squeeze limes into a medium bowl. Add green onions, corn, 1 tbsp oil, salt & pepper; toss to combine. Cover & refrigerate. In the evening... Preheat oven to 475F. Arrange tortillas on a baking sheet (use 2 if needed); brush both sides w/ remaining 2 tbsp oil. Rinse & drain beans; sprinkle over tortillas. Top w/ tomatoes & cheese. Bake until golden & crisp, about 10 min. (If you use 2 baking sheets, rotate them halfway through.) While tostadas are baking, pit, peel & dice avocado; toss w/ corn relish. Top tostadas w/ corn relish.

Hello, Bloggy

What's this? Oh, gee, is it my blog? Hmm, what do you do with those things again? Oh, you write on them? Somewhat regularly? Well, how 'bout that?

I've been wanting to write all week, but I've been prevented by a combination of a busy work-week and a bit of blogger's block. In lieu of writing something any of you might enjoy reading, I give you two lists. But they're interactive lists!

List one: Exciting blog links for you to click! (Wait! Don't click yet! Stroke my ego and finish reading my post first!)

1. Amy is triggering tonight for her first IVF!
2. In Search of Morning Sickness has 2 embryos on board for her first IVF!
3. GLouise has welcomed home her baby girl (via domestic adoption)!
   

List two: Blog topics on which you should vote! Let me know what you'd like me to write.

1. my desire to be a young parent
2. the literature discussion group I lead for homeschoolers
3. being a daughter of infertility myself
4. our upcoming trips to Austin, TX and Mackinac Island, MI
5. my five-year college reunion, and why I am not attending (see #4 above and add in a healthy dose of fear of man)
6. the one who has moved in on the turf of Thelonius
7. cooking/recipes
   

Cast your votes! Read the links! Don't throw rocks at me for a dull-ish blog post!

False Alarm

A negative test and the barest hints of spotting this evening...Oh well. This is the first time I've ever truly (without precursor spotting) been late to start a new cycle, so it was nice while it lasted. Somehow, it makes the possibility of conceiving someday seem a little closer.

O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. ...for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer. (Ps. 38:9,15)

I Know It's Probably Because My Hormones Are Weird After 4 Solid Months of IVF Meds...

...and I haven't kept track of anything at all (no temps, no cycles days, nada) since the bad news about IVF #2 on July 31, but assuming that I got my period a few days after that negative result and that my clockwork 25-day cycles haven't gotten wonky...

(whispers) I'm about one week late. Will test tomorrow.

Of Breaks, Doctors, and Insults

After the failure of our second IVF, I mentioned briefly that we're taking a break from treatments. We felt the need to step out of the whole sweep of infertility treatments for a little while, to have relief from the hormones and the appointments and the hopes and the disappointments. Between our dizziness on the infertility merry-go-round and our plans to travel this fall, we have decided to wait to start another IVF attempt (the 3rd of 4 covered by insurance) until January. We're in complete agreement on this, and we feel pretty peaceful with it. I've even (mostly) managed to break two-and-a-half years of the habits of keeping track of my cycle, trying to time things just right, counting the days until we find out if we have to start all over again. It's been surprisingly easy.

Another factor contributing to this break is a slight change in insurance. The doctor who originally gave me the referral to Dr. Peppy, RE, is no longer seeing patients from my medical group. To be honest, I'm not all that sad to be leaving this practice. After all, this is the doctor who misread my initial progesterone test, who told me that I will get pregnant if I just want it badly enough, and who forgot to perform a routine exam that I had to complete before starting IVF. Not exactly an infertility whiz... However, leaving his practice means I lose my referral to Dr. Peppy's office, where I really like the staff (although Nurse Answers, Wendy Wander, and my phavorite phlebotomist have all left for either maternity leave or stay-at-home-mom-dom). I'd prefer to continue infertility treatments with Dr. Peppy et al, because they know my history and are willing to work, albeit reluctantly, with our ethical convictions. So, a treatment break gives me time to find a new doctor, sort out the insurance, and get a new referral.

Reasons #1 and #2 for this treatment break I like; they are of my choosing, under my control. Reason #3 I am not so fond of; it tempts me. When Dr. Peppy called with the negative results at the end of July, she said that she wanted us to take a break. Why? Not because IVF takes a toll on the body, mind, and heart. But because she essentially thinks our two IVF failures are our fault and that we need to take a time out to think about what we're doing. She didn't say that in so many words, but she said that we're not giving them much to work with by restricting the number of eggs to fertilize, and that IVF isn't for everyone. In response to her comments, my heart inclined towards anger and bitterness. How dare she blame us for this? And who is she to tell me what to do? I even found myself tempted to accuse God, saying, "Lord, we've obeyed you! You were supposed to show these unbelieving medical professionals how you bless those who honor you and apply your Word to infertility treatments! How do these failures and Dr. Peppy's scoffing accomplish that plan? This is so unfair!" Thank God for providing a way out from these temptations through his words in 1 Peter:

For this is a gracious thing, when mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ... If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. (2:19-20; 4:14).

We take this break, so that we can rest. We take this break, so that we can work out logistics. And we take this break, because this is how God is currently calling us to endure in the face of unjust suffering. We have been insulted for the ways we have sought to follow Christ, and that makes it all the more a gracious thing to follow in the footsteps of our Savior.

Seen and Read

Over the past week or so, I've stumbled upon a few insightful reads posted on the internet, all related to trials or their accompanying temptations.

• In a series of meditations on Psalm 27, Paul Tripp wrote about productive delay, about how God makes waiting redemptive and restorative.

• Tim Challies collected a series of helpful quotes on envy and offers some a personal reflection of that topic.

• CT Online posted an article by Walter Kaiser on various kinds of suffering (link courtesy of Between Two Worlds).

• Of First Importance shares a quote that describes how to look at sorrow as though at the tomb of the risen Christ (link courtesy of Solo Femininity).

Click on over if any of those interest you; happy reading!

Hymns for Hard Times: How Firm a Foundation

(Prior posts in this series:
"Whate'er My God Ordains Is Right"
"The Solid Rock"
"God Moves in a Mysterious Way"
"It Is Well")

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to You He has said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen and help thee and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.

This hymn has been my constant companion during this trial of infertility. I sing it to myself regularly, rehearsing the promises of God. His Word is sufficient to give me comfort! He is with me, holding me up when I am weary! He will not let me drown in rivers of sorrow or burn in fiery trials! He will sanctify and refine me through these troubles! He will never desert or forsake me! Most of the text of this hymn is culled directly from Scripture passages, like Isaiah 41 and 43. This is my favorite hymn for hard times, because it tells me just what I need to hear in order to persevere in faith amidst suffering.

Hymns for Hard Times: It Is Well

(See the prior post in this series here.)

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way;
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul.
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! -
My sin, not in part, but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

I desire the kind of controlling contentment that this hymn describes, a soul that is at rest whether I am in a time of peace or sorrow. No matter what happens to me, may I find joy in the glorious thought that all of my sin - my anxiety, my complaining, my envy, my fear - has been nailed to the cross of Christ. All other burdens seem weightless when I remember the weight of sin that I no longer have to carry because Jesus carried it to the grave. With that redemption and reconciliation with God, it truly is well with my soul.

Hymns for Hard Times: God Moves in a Mysterious Way

(See the prior post in this series here.)

God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform.
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

I was aware of this moving poem by William Cowper, but it became endeared to me in the trial of infertility through the updated version of the hymn on Sovereign Grace Ministries' Worship God Live album.

The third stanza imparts oft-necessary reminders to me. I am so prone to fear the cloudy circumstances that I can see on my horizon - difficult medical procedures, baby showers, pregnancy announcements, close friends giving birth, and so on. Many times those sorts of things seem truly dreadful to me, and I just want to take cover from the storms of life. But my God promises that he will cause those very things that I want to avoid to somehow bless me with showers of mercy. I can't always wrap my mind around that promise, but I want to grow in trusting its truth.

Hymns for Hard Times: The Solid Rock

(Here is the first post in this series.)

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the 'whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

How often I need the reminders - like this song - that I should not lean on anything else but my Savior! When my hope for children gives way, I need to stand on the Rock of Christ. Even the blessings currently in my life, like my husband, should not be the repository of my trust and happiness. Only Jesus can support the full weight of all my hopes and sorrows and joys.

Hymns for Hard Times: Whate'er My God Ordains Is Right

Numerous songs have helped to keep my soul from sinking under the trial of infertility. I'll take some time this week to post a few hymns that speak to the topic of suffering.

The following hymn is a new one to me. I was introduced to it by an updated version on the CD In a Little While by father/son team Mark & Stephen Altrogge. Here are the original lyrics:

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
His holy will abideth;
I will be still whate'er He doth;
And follow where He guideth;
He is my God; though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall;
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
He never will deceive me;
He leads me by the proper path;
I know He will not leave me.
I take, content, what He hath sent;
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait His day.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
His loving thought attends me;
No poison can be in the cup
That my Physician sends me.
My God is true; each morn anew
I'll trust His grace unending,
My life to Him commending.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
He is my Friend and Father;
He suffers nought to do me harm,
Though many storms may gather;
Now I may know both joy and woe,
Some day I shall see clearly
That He hath loved me dearly.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking.
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken.
My Father's care is round me there;
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.

I love the closing lines of the second stanza; so often I need to remember that God is not rendered impotent by my griefs. He can end these troubles at any time, and he will do so at the best time. My part is to wait patiently, trustingly for his day.

Books for Hard Times

Just about anything wise or discerning that I may have to say about suffering graciously comes from one of two places: God's word and godly authors. I can claim plenty of credit for the foolish or whiny things I say that come straight out of my sinful heart. But I can't claim credit for the cumulative effect that God has wrought out of some of the things I've read to help my soul cope with the difficulties of these past few years. So if you've benefited at all - by the grace of God - from what I sometimes write here, you'll benefit even more from the following resources:


How Long, O Lord? by D.A. Carson
This is an excellent book on the theology of suffering. If you are not in the midst of a trial, this books lays an excellent doctrinal foundation for any hard times you may encounter down the road; it will also help you to helpfully counsel any friends who are suffering. If you are in the midst of affliction, the rich truths of this book will bring comfort and clarity even when there are many unanswerable questions about your circumstances.

"I cannot give you all the answers to your 'Why?' But you may draw courage from the fact that the one who loves you so much he died for you asked the same question: 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'"

All Things for Good by Thomas Watson
This little Puritan paperback is a rich mine for the sufferer. While scrutinizing Romans 8:28, Thomas Watson packs every paragraph full of vivid metaphors that impart practical understanding God's promise to work all things for good to those that love him. When you just can't see any good arising out of your circumstances, read this book to find out all the possible ways that God might be at work.

"All things work together for good. This expression 'work together' refers to medicine. Several poisonous ingredients put together, being tempered by the skill of the apothecary, make a sovereign medicine, and work together for the good of the patient. So all God's providences, being divinely tempered and sanctified, work together for the best to the saints."


Beside Still Waters by C.H. Spurgeon
This book collects various writings and sermon excerpts on the topic of suffering from the famed 19th century London preacher. Spurgeon's congregation faced poverty, illness, and death as features of daily life, and he himself struggled with depression. The short, devotional-style entries are arranged by Scripture reference, but there is also an index arranged by topic. If you want simple, brief doses of help for the afflicted soul, pick up this book and read a little.

For a few quotes, see here, here, here, and here.


Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, eds. John Piper & Justin Taylor
This book collects articles based on messages given at a Desiring God conference of the same title. I've not read them all, but I'm slowly working my way through the different chapters. The chapter by David Powlison is probably the single best examination of the topic of suffering that I have read. He addresses the comprehensive experience of trial and brings a God-ward focus to bear in a way that is not at all trite. He plumbs the depths of despair and soars to the heights of praise. (If you have a friend who is in a long season of difficulty and you feel like you don't know what to do or say, read this chapter!) It's almost impossible to choose just one quote from this chapter, but here's a small taste:

"The problem is not that we feel troubled by trouble and pained by pain. Something hurtful should hurt. The problem is that God slides away into irrelevance when we obsess over suffering or compulsively avoid it. God inhabits a vague afterthought - weightless and distant in comparison to something immediately pressing. Or, if God-words fill our minds and pour forth from our lips, it's easy to make the "god" we cry out to someone who will magically make everything better if we can only catch his ear.

The real God is up to better things. He says and does weighty and immediate things that engage what you are facing. He pursues purposes that are better than you imagine. He refuses to become your lucky charm who makes all the bad things disappear from your world."

There are a few other resources that deserve mention. The chapter "Responding Humbly to Trials" in C.J. Mahaney's Humility is one I have re-visited a few times. And Pete Greasley's seminar message, "When Crisis Comes," impacted me and stuck with me when I heard it at a conference. (And hey! It looks like the MP3 and outline are being offered for free! Go forth and download!)

I know there are a lot of excellent resources about suffering; these few have shaped how I think and feel about the suffering I have faced, making it a little less incomprehensible and therefore a little easier to endure. Take up and read, and to God be all the glory.

Edited to add: I just saw this review on Challies.com; looks intriguing enough to be the next book on suffering that I read...

Renovations

I've made a few updates to my sidebar: quoted the verse that gave me my blog title, added a couple of new blog links, and reset the link to my church's new website. As most of you know, I work for my church, and we've been very busy preparing for a new church name and new meeting location. If you look at the website, you can see a little bit of what I've been up to (I helped to design the new logo). With work as busy as it has been, I've only had time for some light-hearted blog posts lately. But I'm storing up some more serious thoughts. In the meantime, if one is deprived of opportunities to poke fun at one's reproductive system, what other topic to turn to than chipmunks?

Alas, Poor Chipmunk

What do these two pictures have in common? The one on the left is Thelonius Monk, legendary jazz pianist. The one on the right is (a look-alike of) Thelonius Chipmunk, legendary resident of our patio.

When we first moved to our current apartment in July of 2004, it did not take us long to make the acquaintance of the chipmunk whose burrow had an entrance just off of our first-floor patio. He could frequently be seen scampering across the cement deck, frolicking onto a low brick wall by the front door, scurrying down his hole in the mud near the tree in front of our bedroom window. Since he was sort of like an outdoor pet, we named him: Thelonius. (Yes, we're jazz nerds that way.)

During our second summer as neighbors to Theolnius, friends from Texas came to visit us - friends who had never seen chipmunks before. One of them (*cough* Rishi *cough*) pointed out our sliding glass doors and exclaimed, "What is that on your deck, a hamster?" No, that's Thelonius.

In the spring, we looked forward to seeing Thelonius emerge from hibernation. In the summer, I waged friendly wars with Thelonius over his propensity to molest my flowers. The first time I tried to plant flowers, I set a large box planter on the ground; every morning, the soil would be flung across the patio, and the roots of the flowers would be exposed. I was baffled by this - and blaming the Canadian geese - until one day I caught Thelonius red-pawed. He was perched on the end of the box, digging a corner of dirt up wildly, until he noticed me watching him through the glass doors and darted off with a guilty look. I bought a plant stand, and that seemed to place the impatiens safely out of his reach. This summer, I added a second stand and pot, and I planted begonia bulbs. I guess bulbs were more tempting to a chipmunk busy stocking up for winter, because he managed to find a way to climb and dig them up. We had a stand-off one day; I sat on the sofa trying to surreptitiously observe how he would get up the 3-foot-tall stand, and Thelonius tried to sneak past my watching eyes (hiding under the threshold of the sliding doors, crouching on a doormat, slinking into a bucket). He won that battle of wills, and I never did figure out how he climbed into the planter. That felonious Thelonius...

Did you know that chipmunks chirp? Sometimes in the mornings, we would wake up to a high-pitched sort of squeak repeating over and over. We thought it was a bird. But it was Thelonius.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I hadn't seen Thelonius for a while. I've been on the lookout for him, but he seems to be gone. My dad once scoffed at our certainty that the same chipmunk had inhabited our patio during our entire tenure here, so we did a little research and learned that chipmunks have a lifespan of two to three years. I guess Thelonius has reached the end of that span. It seems strange to contemplate another year of leasing here without him. I hope he had a happy chipmunk life and a peaceful end. (I really hope I didn't poison him by introducing fertilizer to my begonias in a desperate attempt to get them to bloom in the everlasting shade that falls on our patio.) After recent rains, the little hole that enters Thelonius' burrow seems to have been permanently covered up.

Rest in peace, Thelonius Chipmunk. Unincorporated Lisle just won't be the same without you.

Four Things

A friend from church sent this in an e-mail, and I thought it might be fun to fill out and post. If it looks fun to you, too, feel free to leave a comment saying you've posted your answers and a link for where to read them (or post your answers in the comments if you don't have a blog of your own).

Four Things about Me

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. salesperson at Banana Republic
2. receptionist for a radio station
3. phone-a-thon caller (fundraising) for Wheaton College
4. church administrator

Four places I have lived:
1. Redlands, CA
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. Annandale, VA
4. Austin, TX

TV shows I like to watch:
(This is a tough one, b/c we don't have TV. But these are shows I've enjoyed on DVD.)
1. 24
2. Foyle's War
3. Mystery! on PBS
4. House

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Barcelona, Spain
2. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
3. Montreal/Quebec, Canada
4. Oak Island, NC

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Heath bars
2. Avocado
3. Berries
4. Broccoli cheddar soup

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Great Britain
2. the beach (with a good book!)
3. on a bike ride
4. sitting in a rocking chair cuddling a baby of my very own

Four places I like to shop:
1. Target
2. Ann Taylor Loft
3. Crate & Barrel
4. Old Navy

Four friends I think will respond:
Um, I'm not really sure... random guesses that all begin with the letter A:
1. Annika
2. Amy
3. the other Amy
4. Amanda

10,000 and Counting

According to my stat counter, my blog has now had over 10,000* visits! Thanks to everyone who reads along!

You can scroll to the bottom of the page to see the current count of visits.

*I didn't add the stat counter until a few months after I started blogging, so we probably really reached this number a little while ago. Still, it seems like a milestone worth celebrating.

A Record of Lament

I recently wrote the last page of a journal that I keep for my devotional times. That particular journal began by documenting my struggles to put jealousy to death before the baby shower of a close friend. That friend is now expecting her second child. That journal's last entry recorded my sadness on getting the negative results from our second and most recent IVF. One small notebook, full of all the heartache of infertility and one woman's fight for faith in the midst of deferred hope...

I began a new journal by reading and meditating on a passage that has meant much to me over the past couple of years - Lamentations 3. There are some very familiar words of hope in that passage, words of new mercies, unceasing love, great faithfulness. But the wonder of those words, and what many Christians miss, is the context from which they emerge. These affirmations of God's love arise out of anguished accusations that God has afflicted the writer to the point of desolation.

"I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light. ... He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer; he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones; he has made my paths crooked. ...my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me."

Those despondent cries set off an echo deep in my soul. I believe that God is absolutely sovereign, that nothing happens apart from what he specifically orchestrates. I have seen affliction, and as far as I can tell I will go on seeing affliction for a while yet - and that affliction is directly from the hand of the Lord. He has driven me into the darkness of infertility, and he has removed immediate (though not ultimate) hope from my circumstances. For now, he has shut off every means of escape from barrenness. He has blocked off the option of natural conception, he has dead-ended the road of IUIs, and he has turned aside the path of IVF. He has locked me up with childless chains that weigh heavy indeed. I have called and called for help, but he has not sent a rescue from this heartbreaking situation.

"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?"

Infertility comes from God's hand just as surely as pregnancy and children do. Strange as it may seem, I find comfort in God's sovereignty over my suffering. If infertility falls on me as a matter of chance, or from a force of evil that God cannot bend, what hope do I have? But if this ill wind blows directly from the Lord, then it can do me no eternal harm. At times I may feel forgotten by God, and I may wonder if he remembers how I hurt, but I have a lasting assurance that the one who saved me from my sin will deliver me from evil.

"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

God has caused this pain in my life, but he afflicts me with a Fatherly tenderness. In his perfect wisdom and love, he knows that this suffering is the only way to accomplish his good purposes. My deepest heartache is under the sovereign sway of a good God, a God who gave his only Son up for me. The Lord may end my infertility in a few months or a few years; he may not end my infertility until my deathbed. Either way, infertility is only temporary. God's steadfast love, secured to me by the cross, is forever. He bestows it on me abundantly now - when I sometimes only reach out for it blindly - and eternally - when I will see his love with utmost clarity.

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Even as I record laments over my unfulfilled desire for children, I anticipate filling up the pages of a new journal with deeper understanding of God's fresh mercies and steadfast love. Great is his faithfulness, indeed.

To Keep the Casement Open

A friend sent me the following quote after the news of the failure of the 2nd IVF:

There are times when things look very dark to me--so dark that I have to wait even for hope. It is bad enough to wait in hope. A long-deferred fulfillment carries its own pain, but to wait for hope, to see no glimmer of a prospect and yet refuse to despair; to have nothing but night before the casement and yet to keep the casement open for possible stars; to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled by no inferior presence--that is the grandest patience in the universe. It is Job in the tempest; it is Abraham on the road to Moriah; it is Moses in the desert of Midian; it is the Son of man in the Garden of Gethsemane.

There is no patience so hard as that which endures, "as seeing him who is invisible"; it is the waiting for hope.

Thou hast made waiting beautiful; Thou has made patience divine. Thou hast taught us that the Father's will may be received just because it is His will. Thou hast revealed to us that a soul may see nothing but sorrow in the cup and yet may refuse to let it go, convinced that the eye of the Father sees further than its own.

Give me this Divine power of Thine, the power of Gethsemane. Give me the power to wait for hope itself, to look out from the casement where there are no stars. Give me the power, when the very joy that was set before me is gone, to stand unconquered amid the night, and say, "To the eye of my Father it is perhaps shining still." I shall reach the climax of strength when I have learned to wait for hope.
-George Matheson

My heart feels the vacancy of children very keenly right now. My windows look out on black skies void of stars. My cup brims with sorrow. But, somehow, I trust that this drink will nourish me; that not one star is missing; that my heart can be full of my Savior though empty of children. I trust, I hold on, I wait for hope.

(Thanks, Charissa.)