Of Breaks, Doctors, and Insults

After the failure of our second IVF, I mentioned briefly that we're taking a break from treatments. We felt the need to step out of the whole sweep of infertility treatments for a little while, to have relief from the hormones and the appointments and the hopes and the disappointments. Between our dizziness on the infertility merry-go-round and our plans to travel this fall, we have decided to wait to start another IVF attempt (the 3rd of 4 covered by insurance) until January. We're in complete agreement on this, and we feel pretty peaceful with it. I've even (mostly) managed to break two-and-a-half years of the habits of keeping track of my cycle, trying to time things just right, counting the days until we find out if we have to start all over again. It's been surprisingly easy.

Another factor contributing to this break is a slight change in insurance. The doctor who originally gave me the referral to Dr. Peppy, RE, is no longer seeing patients from my medical group. To be honest, I'm not all that sad to be leaving this practice. After all, this is the doctor who misread my initial progesterone test, who told me that I will get pregnant if I just want it badly enough, and who forgot to perform a routine exam that I had to complete before starting IVF. Not exactly an infertility whiz... However, leaving his practice means I lose my referral to Dr. Peppy's office, where I really like the staff (although Nurse Answers, Wendy Wander, and my phavorite phlebotomist have all left for either maternity leave or stay-at-home-mom-dom). I'd prefer to continue infertility treatments with Dr. Peppy et al, because they know my history and are willing to work, albeit reluctantly, with our ethical convictions. So, a treatment break gives me time to find a new doctor, sort out the insurance, and get a new referral.

Reasons #1 and #2 for this treatment break I like; they are of my choosing, under my control. Reason #3 I am not so fond of; it tempts me. When Dr. Peppy called with the negative results at the end of July, she said that she wanted us to take a break. Why? Not because IVF takes a toll on the body, mind, and heart. But because she essentially thinks our two IVF failures are our fault and that we need to take a time out to think about what we're doing. She didn't say that in so many words, but she said that we're not giving them much to work with by restricting the number of eggs to fertilize, and that IVF isn't for everyone. In response to her comments, my heart inclined towards anger and bitterness. How dare she blame us for this? And who is she to tell me what to do? I even found myself tempted to accuse God, saying, "Lord, we've obeyed you! You were supposed to show these unbelieving medical professionals how you bless those who honor you and apply your Word to infertility treatments! How do these failures and Dr. Peppy's scoffing accomplish that plan? This is so unfair!" Thank God for providing a way out from these temptations through his words in 1 Peter:

For this is a gracious thing, when mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ... If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. (2:19-20; 4:14).

We take this break, so that we can rest. We take this break, so that we can work out logistics. And we take this break, because this is how God is currently calling us to endure in the face of unjust suffering. We have been insulted for the ways we have sought to follow Christ, and that makes it all the more a gracious thing to follow in the footsteps of our Savior.