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Of Breaks, Doctors, and Insults

After the failure of our second IVF, I mentioned briefly that we're taking a break from treatments. We felt the need to step out of the whole sweep of infertility treatments for a little while, to have relief from the hormones and the appointments and the hopes and the disappointments. Between our dizziness on the infertility merry-go-round and our plans to travel this fall, we have decided to wait to start another IVF attempt (the 3rd of 4 covered by insurance) until January. We're in complete agreement on this, and we feel pretty peaceful with it. I've even (mostly) managed to break two-and-a-half years of the habits of keeping track of my cycle, trying to time things just right, counting the days until we find out if we have to start all over again. It's been surprisingly easy.

Another factor contributing to this break is a slight change in insurance. The doctor who originally gave me the referral to Dr. Peppy, RE, is no longer seeing patients from my medical group. To be honest, I'm not all that sad to be leaving this practice. After all, this is the doctor who misread my initial progesterone test, who told me that I will get pregnant if I just want it badly enough, and who forgot to perform a routine exam that I had to complete before starting IVF. Not exactly an infertility whiz... However, leaving his practice means I lose my referral to Dr. Peppy's office, where I really like the staff (although Nurse Answers, Wendy Wander, and my phavorite phlebotomist have all left for either maternity leave or stay-at-home-mom-dom). I'd prefer to continue infertility treatments with Dr. Peppy et al, because they know my history and are willing to work, albeit reluctantly, with our ethical convictions. So, a treatment break gives me time to find a new doctor, sort out the insurance, and get a new referral.

Reasons #1 and #2 for this treatment break I like; they are of my choosing, under my control. Reason #3 I am not so fond of; it tempts me. When Dr. Peppy called with the negative results at the end of July, she said that she wanted us to take a break. Why? Not because IVF takes a toll on the body, mind, and heart. But because she essentially thinks our two IVF failures are our fault and that we need to take a time out to think about what we're doing. She didn't say that in so many words, but she said that we're not giving them much to work with by restricting the number of eggs to fertilize, and that IVF isn't for everyone. In response to her comments, my heart inclined towards anger and bitterness. How dare she blame us for this? And who is she to tell me what to do? I even found myself tempted to accuse God, saying, "Lord, we've obeyed you! You were supposed to show these unbelieving medical professionals how you bless those who honor you and apply your Word to infertility treatments! How do these failures and Dr. Peppy's scoffing accomplish that plan? This is so unfair!" Thank God for providing a way out from these temptations through his words in 1 Peter:

For this is a gracious thing, when mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ... If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. (2:19-20; 4:14).

We take this break, so that we can rest. We take this break, so that we can work out logistics. And we take this break, because this is how God is currently calling us to endure in the face of unjust suffering. We have been insulted for the ways we have sought to follow Christ, and that makes it all the more a gracious thing to follow in the footsteps of our Savior.


Fertilize Me said...

what a very geniune and thoughtful post. Following the plans god has for you, althought lonely at times, has great reward. Be blessed my friend, in this time of restful seasons

amy said...

Enjoy your time off and resting. It sounds like you need a break.

I'm so sorry that Dr. Peppy isn't more understanding of your feelings...maybe your new RE will be more willing to work with you!

gracechild said...

wow! be strong in the Lord Andrea & in the power of His word. Remember when the enemy comes in like a flood, the Lord WILL raise up a standard for His people. I will pray for you that most of all, you are at peace & enjoy the break.

Glenna Marshall said...

Wow. It bothers me that Dr. Peppy would have that view of IVF when you are doing what many would consider (even throwing out theology and just being plain ethical) morally fair. (But, I wonder...can you even separate the two?) I can see how that's discouraging. I applaud you for choosing to do IVF in a way that honors life and the Lord.
Thanks for your posts on suffering. I haven't commented much at all, but I have been reading. The hymns were comforting to me and I do want to read Carson's "How Long, O Lord" which I think my husband has in his library. I'll have to swipe that one soon. :)

Thanks for the comment and for praying. May Christ guide and bless you as you continue your break and consider what to do next.


In Search of Morning Sickness said...

That reminds me so much of Moses and how he obeyed God, and yet Pharoah made the work-load harder, and for a while there all teh Israelites hated him and complained and he just looked like a failure to the unbelieving. There's a chapter in the "Polishing God's Monuments" book about this, I think called "Do the next right thing." Anyway, I applaud you & your husbands convictions and I pray the Lord will not tarry so long in revealing His favor to you after sooo long enduring. You are such a testimony of trust. I heard Matt Redman's "You never let go" the other day on the radio and thought of your post IVF#2 thoughts. It struck such a chord based on where I am right now. Wow.