In my Bible reading last week, I encountered Psalm 66 and decided to camp out there until we get the results from this IVF cycle. I've been re-reading it every day, and it's been helping me to maintain trust in God as I wait. Here are some excerpts and reflections:
Shout for joy to God, all the earth;
sing the glory of his name;
give to him glorious praise!
Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you.
All the earth worship you
and sings praises to you;
they sing praises to your name."
God is glorious, and all the earth praises his name. "All the earth" includes me, whether this IVF succeeds or not, and "all the earth" includes our embryos, tiny beings whose microscopic cells magnify their Creator. God's power is great. My enemies as I try to conceive are his enemies: sin, sickness, sorrow and death. His enemies cringe before his power. Sin, sickness, sorrow and death cannot ultimately triumph over me, even if these embryos don't survive.
Come and see what God has done:
he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.
I want, whatever the results this week brings, to call others to come and see what God has done for me. I'm praying that I would get to see his awesome deeds toward my children, in bestowing and sustaining life through this IVF. But if that's not how he chooses to work at this time, I can still draw attention to his work in my life, giving me contentment and peace even in the midst of suffering.
Bless our God, O peoples;
let the sound of his praise be heard,
who has kept our soul among the living
and has not let our feet slip.
For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.
Throughout these four-and-a-half years of infertility, God's hand has been active. He sent the test, but he has not let me fall and he has sustained life in my soul. When I feel like infertility might crush me, like I might burn or drown in the hardship of it, it brings rest to know that God is in control of this trial and that he will preserve me. Not only will he preserve me, but he will bring me into abundance. I pray that this IVF would yield an abundance of blessing in a child or in children, that he will have seen fit to keep at least one of our embryos' souls among the living. But if I'm not pregnant, he has still brought me the abundant blessing of knowing my Savior better, of sharing in his sufferings.
If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
But truly God has listened;
he has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
because he has not rejected my prayer
or removed his steadfast love from me!
God listens to my prayers. He listens to my prayers because of his Son. Because I trust in the death and resurrection of Jesus, God has given me a new heart - a heart where sin is still present but where sin has no final power. I can't earn the ear of God, but my justification in Christ ensures that God attends to my voice when I pray. He has heard all of my prayers for children over the past five years, and he has heard my prayers for these three embryos over the past few weeks. I so hope that I will get a positive pregnancy test this week as tangible evidence that he has not rejected my prayer. But whether the results are negative or positive, I have confidence that God will never remove his steadfast love from me, because of my security in Christ.
Showing posts with label Words on the Word. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Words on the Word. Show all posts
6.09.2009
4.10.2009
What Have I Done?
(After reading the crucifixion accounts in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John this morning, I thought I'd try meditating in a poetic form. Here's a second-ish draft of what I wrote. May your Good Friday be full of time to reflect on the Savior's cross with horrified sorrow and grateful awe.)
When he tried Jesus
Pilate asked,
What evil has he done?
I covet,
a toddler bully
biting kids with toys.
What evil has he done?
I indulge,
a lazy teen
refusing to leave bed or do chores.
What evil has he done?
I judge,
a college co-ed
knowing just enough to think
I know more than everyone.
What evil has he done?
I dictate,
an arrogant executive
demanding my plans fulfilled.
What evil has he done?
I resent,
a bitter old lady;
nursing home, nursing grudges.
What evil has he done?
None
but mine.
I – mocking – cry
Crucify him!
I – penitent – weep
Have mercy!
Crucify him.
When he tried Jesus
Pilate asked,
What evil has he done?
I covet,
a toddler bully
biting kids with toys.
What evil has he done?
I indulge,
a lazy teen
refusing to leave bed or do chores.
What evil has he done?
I judge,
a college co-ed
knowing just enough to think
I know more than everyone.
What evil has he done?
I dictate,
an arrogant executive
demanding my plans fulfilled.
What evil has he done?
I resent,
a bitter old lady;
nursing home, nursing grudges.
What evil has he done?
None
but mine.
I – mocking – cry
Crucify him!
I – penitent – weep
Have mercy!
Crucify him.
12.15.2008
Battling Bitterness, Part 5
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).
Knowing that I am forgiven and chosen in love by God to be holy, I can seek to replace my bitter tendencies with other practices, as this passage in Colossians instructs. I can put on a compassionate heart that recognizes the struggles and challenges of those who tempt me to bitterness. I can consider how to show kindness toward those people, thinking of small or large acts that could bless them. I can cultivate humility, instead of the pride that is so quick to take offense because I think I deserve better treatment. I can respond with meekness, a quiet trust in God instead of a brazen assertion of my rights. I can exhibit patience, graciously enduring the failings of others because I know that I too fall short. It's helped me to take time to think of each of these traits and how I can apply them to each specific relationship where I struggle. How can I show compassion to this person? How can I be kind to that person?
All of the above - compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience - I can fool myself into thinking I can behave in those ways self-sufficiently. But the call in the latter part of the passage confronts me with my need for the Spirit to do a dramatic work in my heart. Compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience are worthless without love. It often feels impossible to truly love those against whom I have been cherishing bitterness. I have to cry out to God to give me love for those people. But my blood-bought peace with Christ calls me to the peace of Christ with others. And when that peace rules in my heart, when I am held in sway by the gospel, then I have the best source of love. These abstract (but not inconsequential!) thoughts get teeth in the last snippet of the passage: And be thankful. If, rather than rehearsing bitter complaints against certain individuals, I thank God for those people and even try to thank the people themselves for whatever I can, I will grow in love for them. Purposing to be grateful forces me to look for the good in people, which will weaken bitterness and water the seed of love.
Knowing that I am forgiven and chosen in love by God to be holy, I can seek to replace my bitter tendencies with other practices, as this passage in Colossians instructs. I can put on a compassionate heart that recognizes the struggles and challenges of those who tempt me to bitterness. I can consider how to show kindness toward those people, thinking of small or large acts that could bless them. I can cultivate humility, instead of the pride that is so quick to take offense because I think I deserve better treatment. I can respond with meekness, a quiet trust in God instead of a brazen assertion of my rights. I can exhibit patience, graciously enduring the failings of others because I know that I too fall short. It's helped me to take time to think of each of these traits and how I can apply them to each specific relationship where I struggle. How can I show compassion to this person? How can I be kind to that person?
All of the above - compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience - I can fool myself into thinking I can behave in those ways self-sufficiently. But the call in the latter part of the passage confronts me with my need for the Spirit to do a dramatic work in my heart. Compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience are worthless without love. It often feels impossible to truly love those against whom I have been cherishing bitterness. I have to cry out to God to give me love for those people. But my blood-bought peace with Christ calls me to the peace of Christ with others. And when that peace rules in my heart, when I am held in sway by the gospel, then I have the best source of love. These abstract (but not inconsequential!) thoughts get teeth in the last snippet of the passage: And be thankful. If, rather than rehearsing bitter complaints against certain individuals, I thank God for those people and even try to thank the people themselves for whatever I can, I will grow in love for them. Purposing to be grateful forces me to look for the good in people, which will weaken bitterness and water the seed of love.
12.09.2008
Battling Bitterness, Part 4
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).
Bearing in mind the awesome blessing of being God's holy, chosen beloved, let's move on through this passage. The next part that really affected my thinking about bitterness was this: "if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other." Notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say, "If you think you have a complaint against another, just pretend it doesn't exist and ignore your wounds." It also doesn't say, "If you have a complaint against someone, forgive him when he has appropriately received punishment and groveled in repentance." God doesn't ask us to overlook injustice; we can acknowledge the fact that people do wrong us. But God doesn't want us to whine about, to take revenge on, or to hold a grudge against those who offend. He wants us to forgive freely and unconditionally. How is that possible? When someone hurts me in small ways over and over again, or when someone commits a staggering betrayal of me, where do I find the ability to forgive? "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." The Lord forgave me freely and unconditionally. "While we were still weak, Christ died for the ungodly ... while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:6,8). God didn't wait until I acknowledged him, until I got my act together and did the right things. No, when I was ignorant of the wrongs I had done to him, when I was willfully choosing sin, when I was offending and mocking him, he forgave me sacrificially and completely. And that's the kind of forgiveness he calls me to extend to people who injure me.
Bearing in mind the awesome blessing of being God's holy, chosen beloved, let's move on through this passage. The next part that really affected my thinking about bitterness was this: "if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other." Notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say, "If you think you have a complaint against another, just pretend it doesn't exist and ignore your wounds." It also doesn't say, "If you have a complaint against someone, forgive him when he has appropriately received punishment and groveled in repentance." God doesn't ask us to overlook injustice; we can acknowledge the fact that people do wrong us. But God doesn't want us to whine about, to take revenge on, or to hold a grudge against those who offend. He wants us to forgive freely and unconditionally. How is that possible? When someone hurts me in small ways over and over again, or when someone commits a staggering betrayal of me, where do I find the ability to forgive? "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." The Lord forgave me freely and unconditionally. "While we were still weak, Christ died for the ungodly ... while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:6,8). God didn't wait until I acknowledged him, until I got my act together and did the right things. No, when I was ignorant of the wrongs I had done to him, when I was willfully choosing sin, when I was offending and mocking him, he forgave me sacrificially and completely. And that's the kind of forgiveness he calls me to extend to people who injure me.
12.08.2008
Battling Bitterness, Part 3
So now I knew where I stood. I was cherishing bitterness because I was functionally ignoring God's forgiveness and love. And I knew where I wanted to get. I wanted to revel in the gospel so deeply that I couldn't help but leave bitterness behind. I wanted grace instead of grudges. How would I get from Point A to Point B?
In the footnotes of that section of A Gospel Primer, the author referenced three Scripture passages that would become my route to renewal.
One of those passages came from Colossians 3 (more on the other two passages in a future post). I ended up spending some time over several weeks meditating on and memorizing the following verses:
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).
Before launching into application of these words, I found in them a reminder to stop and dwell in the astonishing mercy of God. There are seven words that at first glance seem like an inconsequential clause, a phrase to gloss over as you get to the business of the instructions at hand. But these seven words are the primary business, the basis of everything else in the passage. I was arrested by these seven words: "as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." God chose me to be his own before he even created the world (see Eph. 1:3-4). I am holy in Christ, and his Spirit sanctifies me. The Lord loves me, not because I am lovely or lovable, but because he has a great passion to claim sinners. Knowing that Jesus died to make me chosen, holy, and beloved, how much easier is it to put aside bitterness and love others?!
I'll stop there for now, but I'll share more of my meditations on Col. 3:12-15 soon.
In the footnotes of that section of A Gospel Primer, the author referenced three Scripture passages that would become my route to renewal.
One of those passages came from Colossians 3 (more on the other two passages in a future post). I ended up spending some time over several weeks meditating on and memorizing the following verses:
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).
Before launching into application of these words, I found in them a reminder to stop and dwell in the astonishing mercy of God. There are seven words that at first glance seem like an inconsequential clause, a phrase to gloss over as you get to the business of the instructions at hand. But these seven words are the primary business, the basis of everything else in the passage. I was arrested by these seven words: "as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." God chose me to be his own before he even created the world (see Eph. 1:3-4). I am holy in Christ, and his Spirit sanctifies me. The Lord loves me, not because I am lovely or lovable, but because he has a great passion to claim sinners. Knowing that Jesus died to make me chosen, holy, and beloved, how much easier is it to put aside bitterness and love others?!
I'll stop there for now, but I'll share more of my meditations on Col. 3:12-15 soon.
6.13.2008
Meditation on Psalm 31
I wrote this reflection on Psalm 31 in my journal on Wednesday morning, after all of Tuesday's challenges. (It will have more context if you read the Psalm first.)
Lord, rescue me! Under the weight of all of yesterday's disappointments - the low counts for the IUI, the refusal of the seller to do any repairs on the house - help me to take refuge in you. I know you have already delivered me from my sin; now please deliver me from these trials! Hear my pleas! Remove the shame of having all my desires squelched. Help me to trust that you lead and guide me through infertility and home-buying for your name's sake. Help me to hate the sin in my heart that makes children and houses into idols. Remind me that you are not indifferent to my affliction and distress, but you are gracious. When my eyes are tired of crying, when my soul and body are weary of difficulty, when I feel like all I have are sighs and sorrows, remind me that you are a strength for the weak. You are a sympathetic high priest. You have taken the burden of my iniquities; you made this enemy your friend. You are kind, even when I have a hard time seeing it. Help me to rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love.
God, give me confidence that you have goodness stored up for me. Right now, in my unbelief, I expect abundant hardship from your hand. I believe the reverse of the Savior's words about your Fatherly love - I feel like I am asking for bread and you give me stones, for fish and you give me a snake... Or rather, for a child and you give me infertility, for a house and you give me a moldy basement and a rusty furnace. Conquer my unbelief! Cause me to fear you and take shelter in you and to expect good from you.
Lord, rescue me! Under the weight of all of yesterday's disappointments - the low counts for the IUI, the refusal of the seller to do any repairs on the house - help me to take refuge in you. I know you have already delivered me from my sin; now please deliver me from these trials! Hear my pleas! Remove the shame of having all my desires squelched. Help me to trust that you lead and guide me through infertility and home-buying for your name's sake. Help me to hate the sin in my heart that makes children and houses into idols. Remind me that you are not indifferent to my affliction and distress, but you are gracious. When my eyes are tired of crying, when my soul and body are weary of difficulty, when I feel like all I have are sighs and sorrows, remind me that you are a strength for the weak. You are a sympathetic high priest. You have taken the burden of my iniquities; you made this enemy your friend. You are kind, even when I have a hard time seeing it. Help me to rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love.
God, give me confidence that you have goodness stored up for me. Right now, in my unbelief, I expect abundant hardship from your hand. I believe the reverse of the Savior's words about your Fatherly love - I feel like I am asking for bread and you give me stones, for fish and you give me a snake... Or rather, for a child and you give me infertility, for a house and you give me a moldy basement and a rusty furnace. Conquer my unbelief! Cause me to fear you and take shelter in you and to expect good from you.
5.22.2008
A Calcium Supplement for Osteoporosis of the Soul
As part of my current Bible reading plan, I am in the book of Proverbs. I recently read a verse that gave me a chance to reflect on how much spiritual fruit God has graciously brought about in my heart over the course of this trial of infertility.
I remembered how, a year or two ago, this verse arrested my attention. Jealousy of friends who were pregnant or had children was a daily struggle at the time, and this verse helped me to see how very serious my sin was. It also aided me to choose what to think when those moments of temptation to envy surged. I mean, given the options of rotting bones or life-filled flesh, the decision is pretty obvious! The words of this verse spurred me on to pursue the tranquil heart that comes from trusting God even when other people's pregnancies and babies lay like large fallen trees across my trail. Reading this verse again encouraged me so much, to see how the Lord has given me grace to put the sin of envy to death. I certainly haven't attained a heart perfectly free of the green monster. But I have gradually learned to tune out the voice that says I should resent my friends for having the blessings I want and to tune in to the glorious channel that broadcasts the blessings I have in the gospel. I am so grateful for this more peaceful state!
Earlier this week, I was emailing with a friend about the sin of jealousy, and I was reminded of a couple of resources (in addition to the Proverbs verse) that have helped me in the battle. One is a post from the GirlTalk blog, "A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy." The other is an article from Tim Challies' blog, "When the Critics Rave, I Weep" (this one is loaded with excellent quotes). I thought I'd share these links today as an encouragement to anyone else who is fighting jealousy along with me.
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot (Prov. 14:13).
I remembered how, a year or two ago, this verse arrested my attention. Jealousy of friends who were pregnant or had children was a daily struggle at the time, and this verse helped me to see how very serious my sin was. It also aided me to choose what to think when those moments of temptation to envy surged. I mean, given the options of rotting bones or life-filled flesh, the decision is pretty obvious! The words of this verse spurred me on to pursue the tranquil heart that comes from trusting God even when other people's pregnancies and babies lay like large fallen trees across my trail. Reading this verse again encouraged me so much, to see how the Lord has given me grace to put the sin of envy to death. I certainly haven't attained a heart perfectly free of the green monster. But I have gradually learned to tune out the voice that says I should resent my friends for having the blessings I want and to tune in to the glorious channel that broadcasts the blessings I have in the gospel. I am so grateful for this more peaceful state!
Earlier this week, I was emailing with a friend about the sin of jealousy, and I was reminded of a couple of resources (in addition to the Proverbs verse) that have helped me in the battle. One is a post from the GirlTalk blog, "A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy." The other is an article from Tim Challies' blog, "When the Critics Rave, I Weep" (this one is loaded with excellent quotes). I thought I'd share these links today as an encouragement to anyone else who is fighting jealousy along with me.
5.07.2008
Last week, I shared with a friend how weary I felt after learning that the trial of infertility had not yet come to an end. She encouraged me with Hebrews 12:3.
What gospel-motivated grace to persevere! When I feel weary and faint-hearted, I need to consider my Savior. He endured the cross for the joy set before him (see the preceding verses in Hebrews 12), the joy of victoriously reconciling people to God through his death and resurrection. He endured those who beat him and mocked him, though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. I was one of those hostile sinners until he saved me. My sins are so much worse than any of my sufferings, and yet Christ shed his blood to pay for my sins. Considering the One who endured such enmity and such pain in my place gives me a second (or two-hundred-and-second) wind to keep running, even when infertility sometimes leaves me feeling breathless.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint-hearted.
What gospel-motivated grace to persevere! When I feel weary and faint-hearted, I need to consider my Savior. He endured the cross for the joy set before him (see the preceding verses in Hebrews 12), the joy of victoriously reconciling people to God through his death and resurrection. He endured those who beat him and mocked him, though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. I was one of those hostile sinners until he saved me. My sins are so much worse than any of my sufferings, and yet Christ shed his blood to pay for my sins. Considering the One who endured such enmity and such pain in my place gives me a second (or two-hundred-and-second) wind to keep running, even when infertility sometimes leaves me feeling breathless.
4.25.2008
Contentment, Drift, and the Good News
As I wait for the results of this IUI cycle, I continue to be grateful to God for the contentment he has given me even in the middle of trial. But I've discovered that contentment is accompanied by a danger; I'm no longer quite so aware of my need for God. Where I used to urgently search for daily truth and grace to sustain me in the midst of difficulty, I lately have read Scripture and prayed with a sense of complacency. At church last Sunday, the message from Hebrews 2:1-4 spurred me on to guard against the danger of drift by paying "much closer attention" to the gospel. One of the application questions for the message was, "How do your affections for the gospel compare to where they were three months ago?" That question convicted me. My hard-won contentment was born out of gratitude for the gospel, but while the contentment has lingered, the cross-centeredness had not. So I have purposed, as I spend time with the Lord each day, to look more intentionally for the good news that Christ died for my sins.
Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!
What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?
Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace and kindness towards us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:4-7).
What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?
4.21.2008
Vigilante of Heart
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23
In his commentary* on this verse, D.A. Carson writes, "In contemporary Western symbolism, the heart is the seat of the emotions. But in the symbol-world of Scripture, the heart is the seat of the whole person. It is closer to what we mean by 'mind,' though in English 'mind' is perhaps a little too cerebral. So 'guard your heart' means more than 'be careful what, or whom, you love' - though it cannot easily mean less than that. It means something like, 'Be careful what you treasure; be careful what you set your affections and thoughts on.'"
What do I treasure? What do I most often set my affections and thoughts on? These days, I think a lot about two things: having children and buying a home. Now, neither of those is bad or wrong. They are generally good desires. But when Aaron and I consider whether this is a wise time to buy a house, I have to carefully evaluate whether or not I have placed an undue importance on owning a home. And as I wait for the results of this IUI, I need to diligently examine my heart for any inordinate reliance on a pregnancy to give me joy.
Why should I be so vigilant? Because the heart, as Carson goes on to say, "directs the rest of life. What you set your mind and emotions on determines where you go and what you do. ... If your heart is ardently pursuing peripheral things (not necessarily prurient things), then from a Christian perspective you soon come to be occupied with the merely peripheral. If what you dream of is possessing a certain thing, ...that shapes your life."
I don't want to spend my life occupied with the merely peripheral. Houses and, yes, even children are peripheral. Though having a child and owning a home would both be great blessings, neither is essential to my satisfaction. And neither makes an ultimately worthy goal for my life. I still hope to have children by some means, and I still wish to buy a home when the time is right, but those intentions must be submitted to the aim of knowing and glorifying my Savior. So I guard my heart against treasuring motherhood and home-ownership too much. He loves me without those things, and by his grace I can love him without those things.
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith." Philippians 3:8-9
*in the reading for March 17 from For the Love of God, Vol. 2
2.27.2008
The Benefits of Practicing Spiritual Disciplines
(This is the last part of a talk I recently gave on how I practice the spiritual disciplines; read part one here and part two here.)
Let me say again that I am not trying to convince you that my practice of the spiritual disciplines is the best way. I don’t want anyone to think that God is impressed by the time that I spend reading his Word and praying. He isn’t! I am a justified sinner, and practice of the spiritual disciplines doesn’t alter that one jot. If Christ has redeemed you by his death on the cross, you have his righteousness complete and nothing can add to that – not even reading your Bible for hours on end. Practice of the spiritual disciplines is simply a way to draw near to the foot of the cross and to be refreshed in the grace of God. My particular practice of meditating on Scripture has benefited me in the following ways:
1) My mind is renewed first thing in the morning. Without preaching the gospel to my soul at the beginning of the day, I would live out that day as a functional unbeliever. I might not remember everything I read (in fact, I often have to look it up again when Aaron asks me about my quiet time!), but immersing my heart in God’s truth before I do anything else is a practical way to express my dependence on him and to prevent me from seeking do everything in my own (limited!) strength.
2) I am more likely to recall Scripture. Colossians 3:16 says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,” and that is just what daily meditation on God’s word does. By soaking my soul in Scripture, I have godly wisdom (rather than human wisdom) in my mind when I or someone else needs encouragement.
3) The Lord’s truth becomes more real than my feelings or circumstances. Sometimes – often even – my circumstances seem to say the exact opposite of God’s promises, and my emotions feel more vivid than the peace purchased for me on the cross. Daily meditation on God’s Word helps me to keep perspective and to affirm that he is sovereign and good and that his gospel is truer than anything I feel or experience.
4) God’s Word provides me with comfort and endurance for trial. Psalm 119 speaks over and over again about the relationship between affliction and delight in God’s Word. Suffering has driven me to the Lord in his Word, and in turn the Lord has sustained me through suffering by his Word. Even the most well-meaning words of comfort from friends often fall short, but meditating on Scripture has provided a balm for my troubled heart and patience to wait on the Lord.
5) Through daily practice of the spiritual disciplines, I find joy in the gospel. In God’s Word, I see over and over again my need for a Savior and God’s provision of a Savior. Over these past few years of devoting myself to meet with the Lord every morning, I have seen my gratitude for his great sacrifice increase.
I could say so much more, but I hope that I have been able to give you a taste of the satisfaction to be found in meeting with the Lord by daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. He has much grace for you, whether you are just starting to seek time with him or seeking to be more consistent in that time or wanting to get more of him out of the practice you already have in place. If you need to, find fellowship, make a plan, and ask God to make you more aware of your need for him. And above all, trust that the Savior will draw you to himself and give you joy, wisdom, and comfort from his gospel. He is faithful and he will do it!
Let me say again that I am not trying to convince you that my practice of the spiritual disciplines is the best way. I don’t want anyone to think that God is impressed by the time that I spend reading his Word and praying. He isn’t! I am a justified sinner, and practice of the spiritual disciplines doesn’t alter that one jot. If Christ has redeemed you by his death on the cross, you have his righteousness complete and nothing can add to that – not even reading your Bible for hours on end. Practice of the spiritual disciplines is simply a way to draw near to the foot of the cross and to be refreshed in the grace of God. My particular practice of meditating on Scripture has benefited me in the following ways:
1) My mind is renewed first thing in the morning. Without preaching the gospel to my soul at the beginning of the day, I would live out that day as a functional unbeliever. I might not remember everything I read (in fact, I often have to look it up again when Aaron asks me about my quiet time!), but immersing my heart in God’s truth before I do anything else is a practical way to express my dependence on him and to prevent me from seeking do everything in my own (limited!) strength.
2) I am more likely to recall Scripture. Colossians 3:16 says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,” and that is just what daily meditation on God’s word does. By soaking my soul in Scripture, I have godly wisdom (rather than human wisdom) in my mind when I or someone else needs encouragement.
3) The Lord’s truth becomes more real than my feelings or circumstances. Sometimes – often even – my circumstances seem to say the exact opposite of God’s promises, and my emotions feel more vivid than the peace purchased for me on the cross. Daily meditation on God’s Word helps me to keep perspective and to affirm that he is sovereign and good and that his gospel is truer than anything I feel or experience.
4) God’s Word provides me with comfort and endurance for trial. Psalm 119 speaks over and over again about the relationship between affliction and delight in God’s Word. Suffering has driven me to the Lord in his Word, and in turn the Lord has sustained me through suffering by his Word. Even the most well-meaning words of comfort from friends often fall short, but meditating on Scripture has provided a balm for my troubled heart and patience to wait on the Lord.
5) Through daily practice of the spiritual disciplines, I find joy in the gospel. In God’s Word, I see over and over again my need for a Savior and God’s provision of a Savior. Over these past few years of devoting myself to meet with the Lord every morning, I have seen my gratitude for his great sacrifice increase.
I could say so much more, but I hope that I have been able to give you a taste of the satisfaction to be found in meeting with the Lord by daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. He has much grace for you, whether you are just starting to seek time with him or seeking to be more consistent in that time or wanting to get more of him out of the practice you already have in place. If you need to, find fellowship, make a plan, and ask God to make you more aware of your need for him. And above all, trust that the Savior will draw you to himself and give you joy, wisdom, and comfort from his gospel. He is faithful and he will do it!
2.26.2008
The Habits of My Practice of the Spiritual Disciplines
(This is part two of three of the talk I recently gave about practicing the spiritual disciplines. You can read part one here.)
I share my practice of the spiritual disciplines not as a list of rules or how-to's, but to give you one idea of what a consistent time to meet with God might look like. The principle of meeting with the Lord is the vital thing. Here is how I seek to put that principle into practice. It’s not the only way or the best way, but it has served me and I hope that hearing these particulars might serve you, too.
I usually have some sort of meta-plan – a long term plan for what I will read in God’s Word, how I will devote myself to prayer, and when and where that will happen. I used to think that it was somehow more holy to NOT have a plan, to let the “Spirit” lead me to what passage of Scripture to read. In reality, that just gave my flesh the chance to say, as I stared at the cover of my closed Bible, “I don’t really know what to read today,” and therefore to leave God’s Word unopened. The lack of a plan really resulted in the opposite of a Spirit-led practice of the spiritual disciplines! Having a plan helps to overcome the obstacle of my sinful laziness. Last year, my “meta-plan” was to study God’s character so that I would trust him better. I used Wayne Grudem’s Bible Doctrine and J.I Packer’s Knowing God to guide my Scripture reading to that end. This year, my “meta-plan” involves using D.A. Carson’s For the Love of God; for each day, this book suggests four passages of Scripture (usually 2 Old Testament and 2 New Testament chapters) and then Carson comments on one of those passages. This plan is set up to cover one calendar year, but it will probably take me longer than that. I like to be flexible with my plan, so I often take small breaks to pursue separate mini-plans. Sometimes I will use a morning to listen to a sermon. Sometimes I will use my time to complete a reading assignment for care group or to review notes from a recent message. Sometimes I will take a week or more to focus on putting to death a particular sin or preparing my heart for a foreseeable temptation. Approaching my long-term plan with this kind of flexibility keeps my practice of the spiritual disciplines from becoming legalistic and helps me to treat it as a means of grace that serves my soul.
On a day-to-day basis, I also have a plan for the when, where, and how of my practice of the spiritual disciplines. Though I am still not a morning person (and honestly, I’m not a night person either; I’m really just a sleep person!), I have come to see how much I need to renew my mind at the beginning of each day. In order to make sure that my time with the Lord is not rushed, I wake up with plenty of time before my first obligation of the day, and I do my devotions first. (If I wake up late, or if I run out of time, it is better for me to sacrifice a workout or a shower or nicely-styled hair than my time meditating on God’s Word!) For me, “plenty of time” means waking up between 6 and 6:30 – that gives me three hours before I start work. Within 10-15 minutes of getting out of bed, I sit down at the table with breakfast, a hot drink, my Bible, my journal, and a pen. I learn best by writing things down, so a journal is an invaluable tool to me as I meditate on Scripture. Typically, I read through whatever passages are in my plan for the day; then, I look back through the passage for verses that stood out to me. I write out those verses in my journal, and then I pray through those verses by writing out thoughts addressed to God, asking him to help me apply his words to my life and considering how the passage connects the gospel to my heart. Some mornings I end up meditating on several passages of Scripture and filling up many pages of my journal; some mornings I may only meditate on one passage and write on half a page. When I am finished reading and meditating, I try to spend about 10 minutes praying for others. This is a new practice for me, since the church’s recent prayer series, and it definitely does not come easily to me! (So please ask me, if you think of it, how I am doing in this area.) But again, having a plan is helping me to practice this discipline. I have an index card of verses to pray for Aaron each day. I have the church prayer list, and I pray through one section of that each day (for Sunday celebrations on Monday, for outreach on Tuesday, and so on). And I have begun keeping a small notebook in which I write down particular prayer requests as I hear them (otherwise, I tell someone I will pray for them and then completely forget!). These small tools are helping me to grow in a more outward-focused prayer life, coming before God on behalf of my husband, my church, my friends, and my world.
I share my practice of the spiritual disciplines not as a list of rules or how-to's, but to give you one idea of what a consistent time to meet with God might look like. The principle of meeting with the Lord is the vital thing. Here is how I seek to put that principle into practice. It’s not the only way or the best way, but it has served me and I hope that hearing these particulars might serve you, too.
I usually have some sort of meta-plan – a long term plan for what I will read in God’s Word, how I will devote myself to prayer, and when and where that will happen. I used to think that it was somehow more holy to NOT have a plan, to let the “Spirit” lead me to what passage of Scripture to read. In reality, that just gave my flesh the chance to say, as I stared at the cover of my closed Bible, “I don’t really know what to read today,” and therefore to leave God’s Word unopened. The lack of a plan really resulted in the opposite of a Spirit-led practice of the spiritual disciplines! Having a plan helps to overcome the obstacle of my sinful laziness. Last year, my “meta-plan” was to study God’s character so that I would trust him better. I used Wayne Grudem’s Bible Doctrine and J.I Packer’s Knowing God to guide my Scripture reading to that end. This year, my “meta-plan” involves using D.A. Carson’s For the Love of God; for each day, this book suggests four passages of Scripture (usually 2 Old Testament and 2 New Testament chapters) and then Carson comments on one of those passages. This plan is set up to cover one calendar year, but it will probably take me longer than that. I like to be flexible with my plan, so I often take small breaks to pursue separate mini-plans. Sometimes I will use a morning to listen to a sermon. Sometimes I will use my time to complete a reading assignment for care group or to review notes from a recent message. Sometimes I will take a week or more to focus on putting to death a particular sin or preparing my heart for a foreseeable temptation. Approaching my long-term plan with this kind of flexibility keeps my practice of the spiritual disciplines from becoming legalistic and helps me to treat it as a means of grace that serves my soul.
On a day-to-day basis, I also have a plan for the when, where, and how of my practice of the spiritual disciplines. Though I am still not a morning person (and honestly, I’m not a night person either; I’m really just a sleep person!), I have come to see how much I need to renew my mind at the beginning of each day. In order to make sure that my time with the Lord is not rushed, I wake up with plenty of time before my first obligation of the day, and I do my devotions first. (If I wake up late, or if I run out of time, it is better for me to sacrifice a workout or a shower or nicely-styled hair than my time meditating on God’s Word!) For me, “plenty of time” means waking up between 6 and 6:30 – that gives me three hours before I start work. Within 10-15 minutes of getting out of bed, I sit down at the table with breakfast, a hot drink, my Bible, my journal, and a pen. I learn best by writing things down, so a journal is an invaluable tool to me as I meditate on Scripture. Typically, I read through whatever passages are in my plan for the day; then, I look back through the passage for verses that stood out to me. I write out those verses in my journal, and then I pray through those verses by writing out thoughts addressed to God, asking him to help me apply his words to my life and considering how the passage connects the gospel to my heart. Some mornings I end up meditating on several passages of Scripture and filling up many pages of my journal; some mornings I may only meditate on one passage and write on half a page. When I am finished reading and meditating, I try to spend about 10 minutes praying for others. This is a new practice for me, since the church’s recent prayer series, and it definitely does not come easily to me! (So please ask me, if you think of it, how I am doing in this area.) But again, having a plan is helping me to practice this discipline. I have an index card of verses to pray for Aaron each day. I have the church prayer list, and I pray through one section of that each day (for Sunday celebrations on Monday, for outreach on Tuesday, and so on). And I have begun keeping a small notebook in which I write down particular prayer requests as I hear them (otherwise, I tell someone I will pray for them and then completely forget!). These small tools are helping me to grow in a more outward-focused prayer life, coming before God on behalf of my husband, my church, my friends, and my world.
2.25.2008
A Talk About Practicing Spiritual Disciplines
(I had the opportunity on Saturday to give a brief talk to the women of our church about how my practice of the spiritual disciplines has developed. This is the first of three parts.)
God kindly saved me at an early age, but it wasn’t until my late teen years that I started to understand the idea of a daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. I had thought that personal study of the Bible was something that only pastors or “super-spiritual” Christians did. Sure, I had been told (from the pulpit) of the importance of daily “quiet times” – but I didn’t really think the idea applied to regular believers like me. Then I began to learn of friends who sought to practice the spiritual disciplines, to set aside time to read God’s Word and to pray; as I heard about their practices and what they were learning, I began to realize that God means for all Christians to commune with him in these ways. So with a little instruction and a little fellowship, I began.
At first, I set aside time right before bed to read the Bible and to pray. “I’m not a morning person,” I thought, “so I’ll be able to focus better at night.” I kept this up for years, but my practice was very inconsistent. By the end of the day, it was easy to let other things crowd out that time with the Lord (and night-time prayer quickly morphed into sleeping!). When others mentioned the benefits of setting aside time to meet with the Lord in the morning, I inwardly scoffed, “That just wouldn’t work for me. I don’t have to be that legalistic.” But I also felt a tiny prick of conviction, a budding awareness that it was only my pride and self-sufficiency that led me to think I didn’t need to renew my mind with Scripture until the end of my day.
My practice of the spiritual disciplines grew gradually through my late teens and early twenties, but in the Lord’s providence a few things merged together to transform my limping habits. First, marriage to a godly man provided daily fellowship; knowing that, over dinner, Aaron would ask me if I had met with the Lord that morning gave me strong motivation to do so! Second, our church’s teachings on having a plan for reading the Bible and on meditating on Scripture gave me better tools for benefiting from God’s Word. Third, an extremely difficult and ongoing trial made me aware of my desperate, daily need for grace and help from God and his truth. God used these three things – fellowship, planning, and recognition of my need for him - to change my practice of the spiritual disciplines from an occasional five-to-fifteen minutes before bed to a regular 45 minutes to an hour with him almost every morning. Having a more consistent, longer quiet time first thing in the morning doesn’t earn me any points with God; instead, this time is a means of grace to me, an opportunity for me to meet with the Lord as he has revealed himself in his Word, to preach the gospel to my unbelieving heart, and to steep my soul in truths that I need reminders of daily.
God kindly saved me at an early age, but it wasn’t until my late teen years that I started to understand the idea of a daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. I had thought that personal study of the Bible was something that only pastors or “super-spiritual” Christians did. Sure, I had been told (from the pulpit) of the importance of daily “quiet times” – but I didn’t really think the idea applied to regular believers like me. Then I began to learn of friends who sought to practice the spiritual disciplines, to set aside time to read God’s Word and to pray; as I heard about their practices and what they were learning, I began to realize that God means for all Christians to commune with him in these ways. So with a little instruction and a little fellowship, I began.
At first, I set aside time right before bed to read the Bible and to pray. “I’m not a morning person,” I thought, “so I’ll be able to focus better at night.” I kept this up for years, but my practice was very inconsistent. By the end of the day, it was easy to let other things crowd out that time with the Lord (and night-time prayer quickly morphed into sleeping!). When others mentioned the benefits of setting aside time to meet with the Lord in the morning, I inwardly scoffed, “That just wouldn’t work for me. I don’t have to be that legalistic.” But I also felt a tiny prick of conviction, a budding awareness that it was only my pride and self-sufficiency that led me to think I didn’t need to renew my mind with Scripture until the end of my day.
My practice of the spiritual disciplines grew gradually through my late teens and early twenties, but in the Lord’s providence a few things merged together to transform my limping habits. First, marriage to a godly man provided daily fellowship; knowing that, over dinner, Aaron would ask me if I had met with the Lord that morning gave me strong motivation to do so! Second, our church’s teachings on having a plan for reading the Bible and on meditating on Scripture gave me better tools for benefiting from God’s Word. Third, an extremely difficult and ongoing trial made me aware of my desperate, daily need for grace and help from God and his truth. God used these three things – fellowship, planning, and recognition of my need for him - to change my practice of the spiritual disciplines from an occasional five-to-fifteen minutes before bed to a regular 45 minutes to an hour with him almost every morning. Having a more consistent, longer quiet time first thing in the morning doesn’t earn me any points with God; instead, this time is a means of grace to me, an opportunity for me to meet with the Lord as he has revealed himself in his Word, to preach the gospel to my unbelieving heart, and to steep my soul in truths that I need reminders of daily.
2.08.2008
Meditation on Romans 5
Yesterday I wrote about preaching Romans 4* to myself. In Romans 5:1-5, I found promises of God that I can preach to myself until I am fully convinced that God is able to do them. These are the precious promises of justification, the blessings secured to me by the righteousness imputed to me by Christ. I have peace with God. I have hope in his glory, knowing that he will show himself supremely good no matter what happens. I can rejoice in suffering, even in infertility. God promises me endurance, character, hope, and love. By his Spirit, he has helped me to endure three years of infertility and all its disappointments. I trust that he will give me endurance for as many more years of suffering that lie ahead. He is producing character in me, teaching me to obey him in everything, to know and trust him, to bear fruit even under withering heat. Now I need hope - hope that my future will not be all trouble, hope that hope itself will not shame me. Within the online community of infertility, hope is often portrayed as foolish, weak, silly; the real infertility veterans wear a badge of cynicism, a shield meant to inure us against disappointment. There is a fear - a fear that I feel - that high hopes will make the fall that much harder. If I don't hope that I might be pregnant, that next cycle starting won't hurt so badly and faulty expectations won't leave me feeling foolish. But hope won't put me to shame. God promises! This is where I want to grow right now, in having enough faith to hope that God's glory will be shown in my life, whether through a miraculous pregnancy or through ongoing trust despite deferred hope. Hope will not put me to shame, because I have assurance of God's love, proven on the cross of Christ and shed on my heart by the Holy Spirit. With that assurance, may I not waver or distrust these heavenly promises.
*By the way, click here for someone else's very helpful thoughts on the same verses in Romans 4.
*By the way, click here for someone else's very helpful thoughts on the same verses in Romans 4.
2.07.2008
Meditation on Romans 4
Preaching Romans 4:18-25 to myself...
In hope I want to believe against hope. Though I don't have the same specific promise as Abraham (the promise of offspring), I have the same God. All the facts point to a very slim, almost non-existent hope that I will ever conceive. But I want to hope against hope, to hope in God's power and goodness against the odds. I don't want to weaken in faith when I consider my as-good-as-dead reproductive system (at least as it stands now, with this blocked and poisonously-leaky fallopian tube) or the ongoing barrenness of my womb. I don't want to waver in distrust but to grow strong in faith, giving glory to God, fully convinced that he is able to do as he promises. He hasn't necessarily promised me children, but he has promised to work all things for my good. He has secured that promise by sending his only Son to die for my sins, then raising him from the dead and justifying me so that I can receive all the blessings pledged to the righteous.
In hope I want to believe against hope. Though I don't have the same specific promise as Abraham (the promise of offspring), I have the same God. All the facts point to a very slim, almost non-existent hope that I will ever conceive. But I want to hope against hope, to hope in God's power and goodness against the odds. I don't want to weaken in faith when I consider my as-good-as-dead reproductive system (at least as it stands now, with this blocked and poisonously-leaky fallopian tube) or the ongoing barrenness of my womb. I don't want to waver in distrust but to grow strong in faith, giving glory to God, fully convinced that he is able to do as he promises. He hasn't necessarily promised me children, but he has promised to work all things for my good. He has secured that promise by sending his only Son to die for my sins, then raising him from the dead and justifying me so that I can receive all the blessings pledged to the righteous.
1.16.2008
Praying Scripture for My Husband
I have two passages of Scripture written on an index card, stuck in my journal as a bookmark; I use it to guide my prayers for Aaron.
As I intercede for my husband, having these verses before me to meditate on keeps my prayers focused and hopefully more effective. I pray daily that Aaron will see the Lord as greater than any temptations in his life. I ask that his efforts - at his job, in his spiritual life, to lead our marriage - will be made fruitful. I request that I can grow as his wife and be a blessing to him, and I ask that the Lord will give us children - and even grandchildren someday! - who will know the Savior. I pray that our church and our service in it will prosper. And above all, I pray that Aaron will know the love and faithfulness of God more deeply, as he grows in understanding the gospel of Christ. Meditating on these two brief passages of God's Word has brought much more consistency and richness to my prayers for my husband!
Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life! May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel! (Psalm 128)
May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
As I intercede for my husband, having these verses before me to meditate on keeps my prayers focused and hopefully more effective. I pray daily that Aaron will see the Lord as greater than any temptations in his life. I ask that his efforts - at his job, in his spiritual life, to lead our marriage - will be made fruitful. I request that I can grow as his wife and be a blessing to him, and I ask that the Lord will give us children - and even grandchildren someday! - who will know the Savior. I pray that our church and our service in it will prosper. And above all, I pray that Aaron will know the love and faithfulness of God more deeply, as he grows in understanding the gospel of Christ. Meditating on these two brief passages of God's Word has brought much more consistency and richness to my prayers for my husband!
12.10.2007
Anticipating What Has Gone Before
This December, I decided to prepare for Christmas by reading through the daily Advent readings in the Book of Common Prayer. Spending time in Scriptures that prophecy both the birth of the Messiah and the eventual return of Christ has filled me with anticipation. I have been especially impressed by the sense of the bleakness of the world before God sent his only Son to the rescue and, by association, the darkness of my own heart before God saved me. It is a strange and eager feeling, to look forward with longing to the Savior's birth; the event has already happened, and I know the rich truth of its significance, yet for this month I dwell imaginatively in a realm waiting for the breakthrough of the gospel.
Here are some meditations from one passage of Advent reading (I recommend reading the verses from Isaiah first):
Isaiah 1:1-20
Before the coming of the Savior, we were laden with iniquity. We were utterly estranged from God. Though children should know and obey their father, we lived in rebellion and more base than the beasts who know their Creator and follow his natural order. We languished sick in head and heart and body. Our souls were completely unsound and we could apply no remedy. We could make no sacrifice to please God or gain his favor. The blood of sin covered our hands, and we could never wash the stain off. Though God, in his holiness, could not heed our prayers, he still took the initiative to save. We were lost in evil, but he came as a man to make a reasonable way. God said, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." The blood of my sin could only be washed by the blood of Christ crucified. The only white I can claim is the pristine robe of Christ's righteousness.
Here are some meditations from one passage of Advent reading (I recommend reading the verses from Isaiah first):
Isaiah 1:1-20
Before the coming of the Savior, we were laden with iniquity. We were utterly estranged from God. Though children should know and obey their father, we lived in rebellion and more base than the beasts who know their Creator and follow his natural order. We languished sick in head and heart and body. Our souls were completely unsound and we could apply no remedy. We could make no sacrifice to please God or gain his favor. The blood of sin covered our hands, and we could never wash the stain off. Though God, in his holiness, could not heed our prayers, he still took the initiative to save. We were lost in evil, but he came as a man to make a reasonable way. God said, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." The blood of my sin could only be washed by the blood of Christ crucified. The only white I can claim is the pristine robe of Christ's righteousness.
11.26.2007
Lifting Up the Cup of Salvation
Lately, I have felt relatively content in this place of infertility. I still long for children, but God seems to be gracing me with fruit in the long fight to trust in him. This morning I read Psalm 116, and the words seemed like an apt description of the current state of my soul.
My circumstances haven't changed; infertility remains real and present in my life. But while God hasn't taken my infertility away, he has taken much of the distress of it away. Childlessness is still hard, but I no longer shed so many anguished tears. The Lord heard my desperate cries and has given me contentment in his gospel. He showed his graciousness and righteousness to me perfectly on the cross. I can rest and be satisfied in that merciful bounty. My soul has been spared the death of sin and been given the Lord's presence instead; how can I be anything but grateful? In return for the benefits of salvation, all that I can do is celebrate the gospel of grace and call on the Savior to give me more of himself. Through the trial of infertility, Christ and his cross have been magnified in my eyes, so that my suffering eases and my peace grows. I would never have expected that I could feel content in the midst of infertility, but the Spirit has been so kind to do that work in my heart.
I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!" Gracious is the Lord and righteous; our God is merciful. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
My circumstances haven't changed; infertility remains real and present in my life. But while God hasn't taken my infertility away, he has taken much of the distress of it away. Childlessness is still hard, but I no longer shed so many anguished tears. The Lord heard my desperate cries and has given me contentment in his gospel. He showed his graciousness and righteousness to me perfectly on the cross. I can rest and be satisfied in that merciful bounty. My soul has been spared the death of sin and been given the Lord's presence instead; how can I be anything but grateful? In return for the benefits of salvation, all that I can do is celebrate the gospel of grace and call on the Savior to give me more of himself. Through the trial of infertility, Christ and his cross have been magnified in my eyes, so that my suffering eases and my peace grows. I would never have expected that I could feel content in the midst of infertility, but the Spirit has been so kind to do that work in my heart.
8.08.2007
A Record of Lament
I recently wrote the last page of a journal that I keep for my devotional times. That particular journal began by documenting my struggles to put jealousy to death before the baby shower of a close friend. That friend is now expecting her second child. That journal's last entry recorded my sadness on getting the negative results from our second and most recent IVF. One small notebook, full of all the heartache of infertility and one woman's fight for faith in the midst of deferred hope...
I began a new journal by reading and meditating on a passage that has meant much to me over the past couple of years - Lamentations 3. There are some very familiar words of hope in that passage, words of new mercies, unceasing love, great faithfulness. But the wonder of those words, and what many Christians miss, is the context from which they emerge. These affirmations of God's love arise out of anguished accusations that God has afflicted the writer to the point of desolation.
"I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light. ... He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer; he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones; he has made my paths crooked. ...my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me."
Those despondent cries set off an echo deep in my soul. I believe that God is absolutely sovereign, that nothing happens apart from what he specifically orchestrates. I have seen affliction, and as far as I can tell I will go on seeing affliction for a while yet - and that affliction is directly from the hand of the Lord. He has driven me into the darkness of infertility, and he has removed immediate (though not ultimate) hope from my circumstances. For now, he has shut off every means of escape from barrenness. He has blocked off the option of natural conception, he has dead-ended the road of IUIs, and he has turned aside the path of IVF. He has locked me up with childless chains that weigh heavy indeed. I have called and called for help, but he has not sent a rescue from this heartbreaking situation.
"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?"
Infertility comes from God's hand just as surely as pregnancy and children do. Strange as it may seem, I find comfort in God's sovereignty over my suffering. If infertility falls on me as a matter of chance, or from a force of evil that God cannot bend, what hope do I have? But if this ill wind blows directly from the Lord, then it can do me no eternal harm. At times I may feel forgotten by God, and I may wonder if he remembers how I hurt, but I have a lasting assurance that the one who saved me from my sin will deliver me from evil.
"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."
God has caused this pain in my life, but he afflicts me with a Fatherly tenderness. In his perfect wisdom and love, he knows that this suffering is the only way to accomplish his good purposes. My deepest heartache is under the sovereign sway of a good God, a God who gave his only Son up for me. The Lord may end my infertility in a few months or a few years; he may not end my infertility until my deathbed. Either way, infertility is only temporary. God's steadfast love, secured to me by the cross, is forever. He bestows it on me abundantly now - when I sometimes only reach out for it blindly - and eternally - when I will see his love with utmost clarity.
"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Even as I record laments over my unfulfilled desire for children, I anticipate filling up the pages of a new journal with deeper understanding of God's fresh mercies and steadfast love. Great is his faithfulness, indeed.
I began a new journal by reading and meditating on a passage that has meant much to me over the past couple of years - Lamentations 3. There are some very familiar words of hope in that passage, words of new mercies, unceasing love, great faithfulness. But the wonder of those words, and what many Christians miss, is the context from which they emerge. These affirmations of God's love arise out of anguished accusations that God has afflicted the writer to the point of desolation.
"I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light. ... He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer; he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones; he has made my paths crooked. ...my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me."
Those despondent cries set off an echo deep in my soul. I believe that God is absolutely sovereign, that nothing happens apart from what he specifically orchestrates. I have seen affliction, and as far as I can tell I will go on seeing affliction for a while yet - and that affliction is directly from the hand of the Lord. He has driven me into the darkness of infertility, and he has removed immediate (though not ultimate) hope from my circumstances. For now, he has shut off every means of escape from barrenness. He has blocked off the option of natural conception, he has dead-ended the road of IUIs, and he has turned aside the path of IVF. He has locked me up with childless chains that weigh heavy indeed. I have called and called for help, but he has not sent a rescue from this heartbreaking situation.
"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?"
Infertility comes from God's hand just as surely as pregnancy and children do. Strange as it may seem, I find comfort in God's sovereignty over my suffering. If infertility falls on me as a matter of chance, or from a force of evil that God cannot bend, what hope do I have? But if this ill wind blows directly from the Lord, then it can do me no eternal harm. At times I may feel forgotten by God, and I may wonder if he remembers how I hurt, but I have a lasting assurance that the one who saved me from my sin will deliver me from evil.
"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."
God has caused this pain in my life, but he afflicts me with a Fatherly tenderness. In his perfect wisdom and love, he knows that this suffering is the only way to accomplish his good purposes. My deepest heartache is under the sovereign sway of a good God, a God who gave his only Son up for me. The Lord may end my infertility in a few months or a few years; he may not end my infertility until my deathbed. Either way, infertility is only temporary. God's steadfast love, secured to me by the cross, is forever. He bestows it on me abundantly now - when I sometimes only reach out for it blindly - and eternally - when I will see his love with utmost clarity.
"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Even as I record laments over my unfulfilled desire for children, I anticipate filling up the pages of a new journal with deeper understanding of God's fresh mercies and steadfast love. Great is his faithfulness, indeed.
7.20.2007
No News Is No News
Our embryo transfer is scheduled for 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. The representative I spoke with at the IVF clinic did not have access to any information about how our embryos are doing, so I'm not sure how many blasts we might have to transfer. At first, I felt anxious at this lack of knowledge. But God was gracious to remind me of the words of Proverbs 3:5-8.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
If I knew more about the current state of the embryos, I would probably be tempted to rely on my own understanding about what will happen tomorrow. This way, I have no choice but to lean on God. In his sovereignty and goodness, he has planned exactly what will happen tomorrow - how many blasts we'll have, how the doctor will respond if we want to transfer more than the recommendation in order to keep our convictions against destroying or freezing any form of human life. Blessing - healing and refreshment, and hopefully pregnancy - will come from obeying the Lord, not from obeying medical professionals (although we listen carefully to them). All we can do is show up for the transfer tomorrow, seek to acknowledge our Savior throughout the process, and trust that we will have a clear and straight path to walk.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
If I knew more about the current state of the embryos, I would probably be tempted to rely on my own understanding about what will happen tomorrow. This way, I have no choice but to lean on God. In his sovereignty and goodness, he has planned exactly what will happen tomorrow - how many blasts we'll have, how the doctor will respond if we want to transfer more than the recommendation in order to keep our convictions against destroying or freezing any form of human life. Blessing - healing and refreshment, and hopefully pregnancy - will come from obeying the Lord, not from obeying medical professionals (although we listen carefully to them). All we can do is show up for the transfer tomorrow, seek to acknowledge our Savior throughout the process, and trust that we will have a clear and straight path to walk.
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