...I give you my initial thoughts on adoption. I have been churning this post over in my mind for a while, and I am finally committing to typewritten words. This will be hard, I think, to write, because my thoughts on adoption are not terribly coherent, and because I feel a vague sense of condemnation (wrong, I know) for the thoughts I do have. But in the spirit of honesty, here goes:
Adoption
I have a large disconnect between my head and my heart on adoption. In theory, I think adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. In my naive, pre-marriage and pre-TTC years, I always thought I would want to adopt - but as a way to add on to already-existing children. I had an internal debate along these lines: "Four children sounds like a nice number. But do I want four total, maybe two or three biological and one or two adopted? Or do I want four biological, and then one or two adopted?" Oh, the days when I thought the destiny of my future family was in my hands... Now faced with the possibility of adoption as our only means to having children, my heart balks. Emotionally, that feels like a second best option. And it's not fair to an adopted child to be second best, chosen only because we had no choice. I know that my heart could change (I hope it does!), and I know that once I had an adopted child I would love him or her fully. But knowing that is a lot different that feeling that, imagining myself in that reality. I can't yet do that. At 27 years old, I'm not ready to give up on the idea of having biological children. That thought grieves me. So I don't feel ready to proceed with adoption.
Even if I were emotionally ready to do that, we have some significant practical roadblocks. For one thing, we live in an apartment and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. While that doesn't completely eliminate the possibility of adopting, it doesn't exactly boost our chances of placement and it does limit our options to places and methods that don't require significant assets. Also, adoption is expensive (approx. $15K-$35K, domestically or internationally). We don't have that kind of cash lying around (if we did, do you think we'd still be renting?). And then we get to the when, where, and how. Because my dream of having biological children is crumbling, I find myself clinging to aspects of adoption that probably would not normally be important to me. Things that I mentally acknowledge as good, I emotionally reject as second-rate. For instance, I can see the benefits of open adoption (where you maintain contact with the birth-family, the most common situation in domestic adoption), but infertile-me doesn't want to let anyone else into our hard-won family. If we conceived and gave birth to biological children, there wouldn't be any "third-party parents," so I don't want them in an adoptive situation, either. Another example - I absolutely endorse the positive potential of transracial or transnational adoption (although I know each of those have unique challenges, too). But infertile-me is not so sure she could handle the bittersweet reminder of our inability to conceive each time someone commented on our obvious adoption, because our children don't look like us. I cringe at myself writing that - it seems so superficial - but right now I am not ready to field those kinds of questions and comments. As a Christian, I feel like I ought to adopt a child out of the worst circumstances, but as an infertile, I feel a strong desire to be protected from further difficulty, pain, and heartache (unreasonable expectations, huh?). Hence the low-grade condemnation I feel when I think about adopting...
So there they are, my very preliminary and relatively unflattering thoughts about adoption. I know that God can change my heart on these things, and I trust that he will if his sovereign plan is for us to adopt.
2.28.2007
2.22.2007
I Should Add IVF to My Spellcheck Dictionary...
As promised, here comes a close-up photo of our current thoughts about IVF (this post) and adoption (post to come).
IVF
On many levels, this is the most appealing option to us. Why? It gives us the best chance at having biological children. If we had a successful IVF, I would get to experience pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and all that jazz. (Although I have recently learned that you can breastfeed adopted children. Who knew?) And successful or not, IVF could give us some more answers about what is causing our infertility. We would have concrete evidence of whether or not Aaron's sperm can fertilize my eggs, whether we, as husband and wife, can conceive. On a more practical level, we have phenomenal insurance (thank you to my employer, our church!) and we would have very minimal out-of-pocket expenses. We pay a minimum copay for medications and doctor visits, so my guess is that we would shell out at most a couple hundred bucks for a procedure that costs tens of thousands of dollars. Whether we do IVF or not, I am so aware of how blessed we are to have such provision! God has been very kind to us in that way.
Those are the pros to IVF. The cons are both ethical and practical. IVF is a very intense, invasive procedure. I would be flooding my body with medications, hormones to suppress and to stimulate my ovaries, to cause me to ovulation, to increase progesterone levels. It would involve anesthesia, bed rest, minor "surgery" for retrieval and transfer. Those things alone give us pause as we make the decision about whether to pursue IVF. And then there are the greater ethical concerns that we have. In a typical IVF, the clinic fertilizes as many eggs as possible. My doctor said that about 70% will actually fertilize, and then only some of those embryos will actually start growing. They pick the best one or two of the growing embryos to transfer back to the womb, and the rest are either frozen or destroyed. Believing that each embryo is a sacred human life, we would not destroy any. We are also not comfortable with freezing any, because it seems to us too much like presuming on the future. We could say that we would use all of the frozen embryos eventually, but what if unforeseen circumstances prevented that? What if, God forbid, one of us died before we had a chance to transfer all the frozen embryos? It seems to us like the best application of God's word (like James 4:13-17) is not to freeze embryos. Eliminating the options of freezing or destruction means that we would have to approach IVF like prayerful gamblers. We'd pick a target number of embryos to transfer (1 or 2), then work backwards to figure out how many eggs to fertilize. Maybe we'd try to fertilize 4, only 3 would actually fertilize, and only 2 would actually start growing. But we could end up with 4 embryos to transfer, which makes a high-risk, high-order-multiple pregnancy a distinct possibility. Or we could end up with no embryos, going through the whole procedure and using up insurance money with nothing to show for it. Is it okay to "play the odds" like that with human life? Or is it a permissible use of the knowledge God has given to us, as long as it is done with respect for life? We're just not sure yet.
In general, IVF seems to us akin to "eating meat sacrificed to idols" as taught in 1 Corinthians 8. We believe that Christians can pursue IVF in good conscience, but we still have not figured out if our consciences are okay with it. I know that I need to be highly suspicious of my own heart, because my desire to have children, to be pregnant, and to give birth is so strong that it could overrule my conscience. We are inclined to do IVF, but we want to consider it very soberly and to get lots of counsel from others and wisdom from above. We want to apply Ephesians 5:15-17: "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Please pray for us along those lines, and give us any input you have.
IVF
On many levels, this is the most appealing option to us. Why? It gives us the best chance at having biological children. If we had a successful IVF, I would get to experience pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and all that jazz. (Although I have recently learned that you can breastfeed adopted children. Who knew?) And successful or not, IVF could give us some more answers about what is causing our infertility. We would have concrete evidence of whether or not Aaron's sperm can fertilize my eggs, whether we, as husband and wife, can conceive. On a more practical level, we have phenomenal insurance (thank you to my employer, our church!) and we would have very minimal out-of-pocket expenses. We pay a minimum copay for medications and doctor visits, so my guess is that we would shell out at most a couple hundred bucks for a procedure that costs tens of thousands of dollars. Whether we do IVF or not, I am so aware of how blessed we are to have such provision! God has been very kind to us in that way.
Those are the pros to IVF. The cons are both ethical and practical. IVF is a very intense, invasive procedure. I would be flooding my body with medications, hormones to suppress and to stimulate my ovaries, to cause me to ovulation, to increase progesterone levels. It would involve anesthesia, bed rest, minor "surgery" for retrieval and transfer. Those things alone give us pause as we make the decision about whether to pursue IVF. And then there are the greater ethical concerns that we have. In a typical IVF, the clinic fertilizes as many eggs as possible. My doctor said that about 70% will actually fertilize, and then only some of those embryos will actually start growing. They pick the best one or two of the growing embryos to transfer back to the womb, and the rest are either frozen or destroyed. Believing that each embryo is a sacred human life, we would not destroy any. We are also not comfortable with freezing any, because it seems to us too much like presuming on the future. We could say that we would use all of the frozen embryos eventually, but what if unforeseen circumstances prevented that? What if, God forbid, one of us died before we had a chance to transfer all the frozen embryos? It seems to us like the best application of God's word (like James 4:13-17) is not to freeze embryos. Eliminating the options of freezing or destruction means that we would have to approach IVF like prayerful gamblers. We'd pick a target number of embryos to transfer (1 or 2), then work backwards to figure out how many eggs to fertilize. Maybe we'd try to fertilize 4, only 3 would actually fertilize, and only 2 would actually start growing. But we could end up with 4 embryos to transfer, which makes a high-risk, high-order-multiple pregnancy a distinct possibility. Or we could end up with no embryos, going through the whole procedure and using up insurance money with nothing to show for it. Is it okay to "play the odds" like that with human life? Or is it a permissible use of the knowledge God has given to us, as long as it is done with respect for life? We're just not sure yet.
In general, IVF seems to us akin to "eating meat sacrificed to idols" as taught in 1 Corinthians 8. We believe that Christians can pursue IVF in good conscience, but we still have not figured out if our consciences are okay with it. I know that I need to be highly suspicious of my own heart, because my desire to have children, to be pregnant, and to give birth is so strong that it could overrule my conscience. We are inclined to do IVF, but we want to consider it very soberly and to get lots of counsel from others and wisdom from above. We want to apply Ephesians 5:15-17: "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Please pray for us along those lines, and give us any input you have.
2.16.2007
Researching the Next Steps
We're approaching a crossroads of our infertility journey. If an attempt or two of injectables/IUI don't result in conception, we will have to choose to try in vitro fertilization (IVF), pursue adoption, or put building our family on hold. (Insert me muttering Philippians 4:6 under my breath; "Do not be anxious about anything... do not be anxious about anything... do not be anxious about anything...") For some couples, the decision might be obvious. Aaron and I, however, feel the need to do some research, seek counsel, and invest a lot of prayer before we take any step after IUIs, should that be necessary. Really, we feel like these next few IUIs are just allowing us to be proactive while buying time to figure out what to do, where God seems to be leading us. I'm sure I'll be discussing our decision a lot more in posts to come, but here's a quick summary of where we currently stand...
1) Our insurance will cover up to 4 IVF attempts; however, we have ethical questions about how to pursue IVF in a way that honors life from its very beginnings at fertilization.
2) I like adoption theoretically, but my heart is not ready at this moment to pursue that option. Infertility makes it so different, in my mind, than adopting to add to the children a family already has. Plus, adoption would require a lot of resources that we don't necessarily have right now.
Faced with a lot of unknowns in these areas, I'm going to do what comes naturally to me - READ! To that end, I recently purchased these 2 books:
Does anyone else have any resources to recommend on IVF or adoption?
2.13.2007
Still in the Wrestling Ring
To be united with Jesus is to be dead to sin's reign and alive to God's glory. That was the main point of the message on Romans 6:5-11 given at my church this past Sunday. We particularly need to believe this truth when we are tempted to feel hopeless about sanctification, or spiritual growth, especially in the areas where God is specifically working on our hearts. For me, that area is my inclination to turn my good desire for a child into an idol, something that I demand to have and expect to satisfy me, something that I love more than God. Last week, I felt like giving up in that area. I had grown weary of wrestling against the same sin for two years, and I was ready to resign myself to a life of unchanging defeat. I thought, "Well, I will probably never have a child, and I will probably never learn to be content or to find joy in my Savior despite my sorrows." I needed the reminder that, by faith, I am united to Christ, I am dead to sin's reign, and I am alive to God's glory. I am still fighting against infertility and its accompanying temptations to self-pity and anxiety; I haven't been taken out of the ring. But, I have been picked up off the mat and my opponent is now handicapped. I can't give up, because I have been given new strength and new courage to wrestle against sin and to live a life pleasing to God. Christ's death and resurrection bestow new hope, that sin and its effects no longer have control. When infertility threatens to overwhelm me, when all the odds seem against us conceiving, when despair and discontent seem inescapable, I must be more aware that all of those foes are subject to my Savior and King, who has made me one with him.
2.08.2007
Round 9, Day 4
We all know that my reproductive system needs some remedial education. It has abysmally failed Conception 101 too many times to count. The report card from yesterday’s ultrasound showed that my ovaries have sought to compensate for that poor record. They are top of the class in Advanced Cyst Production. Those little overachievers presented Wendy and me with four 50mm cysts. (Aaron suggested that since we can’t have children, maybe we could raise these four beauties and call them our very own.) For those of you less familiar with the metric system, like me, that adds up to a total of about 8 inches of cysts. Each of my ovaries is now bigger than my uterus. I think the recent visit to Austin compelled them to swell up to Texas-size.
But enough about me. I’d like to take some time to talk about you, Internet. To the person who found me after she “took Clomid Follistim together I’m pregnant,” congrats and I wish I could say the same.
If you want to know what it means if your progesterone level is 4.5 on 7dpo, you probably have a luteal phase defect resulting from weak ovulation. But since I don’t have a medical degree, you probably ought to consult your doctor (and don’t make the mistake I made of listening to a nurse who erroneously compared my results to pre-ovulatory levels, rather than post-ovulatory).
Wondering if phlebotomy gives temporary relief? I’m not sure what you’re talking about and I can’t help you.
To the many who are in the trenches with me in the battle against self-pity, I encourage you to keep fighting. God will give grace, and it will get easier in time.
Still not pregnant? Yeah, me neither. See above on self-pity.
Edited to add: I'm relieved to see that I'm the first hit for this search!
But enough about me. I’d like to take some time to talk about you, Internet. To the person who found me after she “took Clomid Follistim together I’m pregnant,” congrats and I wish I could say the same.
If you want to know what it means if your progesterone level is 4.5 on 7dpo, you probably have a luteal phase defect resulting from weak ovulation. But since I don’t have a medical degree, you probably ought to consult your doctor (and don’t make the mistake I made of listening to a nurse who erroneously compared my results to pre-ovulatory levels, rather than post-ovulatory).
Wondering if phlebotomy gives temporary relief? I’m not sure what you’re talking about and I can’t help you.
To the many who are in the trenches with me in the battle against self-pity, I encourage you to keep fighting. God will give grace, and it will get easier in time.
Still not pregnant? Yeah, me neither. See above on self-pity.
Edited to add: I'm relieved to see that I'm the first hit for this search!
2.06.2007
Seeing Red
The alternative title for this post was "Round 9, Day 2." If you've been following closely, you know what that means. And it's not good news. The visit to Texas was lovely, but I got an unwanted visitor while we were there. I noticed a tiny bit of spotting on Friday night, which I chose to ignore. The spotting fought for attention by continuing all day Saturday. A new cycle began on Sunday evening, so I did not go in for the pregnancy test on Monday morning. Instead, I called to schedule a day 3 ultrasound. I'm assuming that I'll have a cyst, because I have gotten one every time I've done Clomid. But if I am cyst-free, we'll start a round of injectibles and IUI. I'm also going to start reading up about IVF and adoption.
We were disappointed to have another failed cycle, but it wasn't surprising. After 2 years of this, I've stopped expecting good news. Pregnancy seems like a far, far off dream at this point. Something that only happens to other people. At least I've learned to stop thinking, "Maybe I'll at least be pregnant by the time so and so gives birth." Now I just need to keep learning to put my hope in the Lord and not in ever being pregnant. But I have a feeling that will be a lifetime lesson...
We were disappointed to have another failed cycle, but it wasn't surprising. After 2 years of this, I've stopped expecting good news. Pregnancy seems like a far, far off dream at this point. Something that only happens to other people. At least I've learned to stop thinking, "Maybe I'll at least be pregnant by the time so and so gives birth." Now I just need to keep learning to put my hope in the Lord and not in ever being pregnant. But I have a feeling that will be a lifetime lesson...
2.01.2007
Round 8, Day 22
Monday's progesterone draw showed a level of 25 wupmL - definitely in a high enough range. Now, if only this coming Monday's blood test yields the same kind of positive results... We're waiting on pins and needles, but we've been provided with a distraction in the form of a visit to Austin.
Yesterday, I also had a consultation with Dr. Peppy about what steps might come next if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy. Can I just say again how much I love my clinic? They are so helpful and respectful; they answer all our questions and then let us make decisions for ourselves, rather than telling us what to do. Those qualities shone once again during the consult. Dr. Peppy recommended IVF for us (50-55% success rates at my age), but said we were welcome to try 2 rounds of injectibles and IUI if we preferred that - which we probably do at this point. She also is completely willing to work with us to assuage some of our concerns about IVF, if we go that route. I was so relieved and grateful not to be pressured. We pray that none of these further options are necessary, but it is assuring to know that those options are not as limited as we thought.
Well, I'm going to enjoy some vacation time...
Yesterday, I also had a consultation with Dr. Peppy about what steps might come next if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy. Can I just say again how much I love my clinic? They are so helpful and respectful; they answer all our questions and then let us make decisions for ourselves, rather than telling us what to do. Those qualities shone once again during the consult. Dr. Peppy recommended IVF for us (50-55% success rates at my age), but said we were welcome to try 2 rounds of injectibles and IUI if we preferred that - which we probably do at this point. She also is completely willing to work with us to assuage some of our concerns about IVF, if we go that route. I was so relieved and grateful not to be pressured. We pray that none of these further options are necessary, but it is assuring to know that those options are not as limited as we thought.
Well, I'm going to enjoy some vacation time...
1.26.2007
Meditating on God's Word
In order to benefit from a Bible reading plan, I need to not just do the reading; I need to meditate on God's word. Here is a quote from George Mueller on this idea:
"...the first and great primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord. The first thing to be concerned about was not how much I might serve the Lord, how I might glorify the Lord; but how I might get my soul into a happy state, and how my inner man might be nourished. ... the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the word of God, and to meditation on it, that thus my heart might be comforted, encouraged, warned, reproved, instructed; and that thus, by means of the word of God, whilst meditating on it, my heart might be brought into experimental communion with the Lord. ... The first thing I did, after having asked in a few words the Lord's blessing upon his precious word, was, to begin to meditate on the word of God, searching as it were into every verse, to get blessing out of it; not for the sake of the public ministry of the word, not for the sake of preaching on what I had meditated upon, but for the sake of obtaining food for my own soul. The result I have found to be almost invariably this, that after a very few minutes my soul has been led to confession, or to thanksgiving, or to intercession, or to supplication; so that, though I did not, as it were, give myself to prayer, but to meditation, it turned almost immediately more or less into prayer. When thus I have been for a while making confession, or intercession, or supplication, or have given thanks, I go on to the next words or verse, turning all, as I go on, into prayer for myself or others, as the word may lead to it, but still continually keeping before me that food for my own soul is the object of my meditation." (emphasis mine)
I want a happy soul, a soul that is rich in communion with God! George Mueller's ideas are so helpful toward this end.
What does meditation on God's word look like, practically? Here is an example from some of my own recent study. As a sort of theme verse for my current reading plan, I have memorized 1 John 5:20-21. "And we know that the Son of God has come..." Here I can stop and marvel that Jesus Christ has come to be the Savior of the world. What an amazing truth in those ten words! The Son of God has come, he has taken on flesh, broken into the sinful world, died on a cross, and provided redemption. "...and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true..." Not only has Jesus come, but he makes a way for us to know him. We have opportunity to grow in understanding of the infinite God. "...and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ..." I am saved by God incarnate, I can know God infinite, and I can abide in God. My life is wrapped up in him, and in him I am seen as righteous. "He is the true God and eternal life..." He is the only true God, and he is the only true eternal life. Why would I go anywhere else for happiness and satisfaction? "Little children, keep yourselves from idols." I need this reminder. I am God's child, yet I am prone to worship other things. I need to be on guard against idols, and especially right now the idol of having a child. I could go on, but see how meditation makes our experience of reading God's word so much richer? When we meditate, God's word intersects with our lives and sinks deeper into our souls.
"...the first and great primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord. The first thing to be concerned about was not how much I might serve the Lord, how I might glorify the Lord; but how I might get my soul into a happy state, and how my inner man might be nourished. ... the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the word of God, and to meditation on it, that thus my heart might be comforted, encouraged, warned, reproved, instructed; and that thus, by means of the word of God, whilst meditating on it, my heart might be brought into experimental communion with the Lord. ... The first thing I did, after having asked in a few words the Lord's blessing upon his precious word, was, to begin to meditate on the word of God, searching as it were into every verse, to get blessing out of it; not for the sake of the public ministry of the word, not for the sake of preaching on what I had meditated upon, but for the sake of obtaining food for my own soul. The result I have found to be almost invariably this, that after a very few minutes my soul has been led to confession, or to thanksgiving, or to intercession, or to supplication; so that, though I did not, as it were, give myself to prayer, but to meditation, it turned almost immediately more or less into prayer. When thus I have been for a while making confession, or intercession, or supplication, or have given thanks, I go on to the next words or verse, turning all, as I go on, into prayer for myself or others, as the word may lead to it, but still continually keeping before me that food for my own soul is the object of my meditation." (emphasis mine)
I want a happy soul, a soul that is rich in communion with God! George Mueller's ideas are so helpful toward this end.
What does meditation on God's word look like, practically? Here is an example from some of my own recent study. As a sort of theme verse for my current reading plan, I have memorized 1 John 5:20-21. "And we know that the Son of God has come..." Here I can stop and marvel that Jesus Christ has come to be the Savior of the world. What an amazing truth in those ten words! The Son of God has come, he has taken on flesh, broken into the sinful world, died on a cross, and provided redemption. "...and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true..." Not only has Jesus come, but he makes a way for us to know him. We have opportunity to grow in understanding of the infinite God. "...and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ..." I am saved by God incarnate, I can know God infinite, and I can abide in God. My life is wrapped up in him, and in him I am seen as righteous. "He is the true God and eternal life..." He is the only true God, and he is the only true eternal life. Why would I go anywhere else for happiness and satisfaction? "Little children, keep yourselves from idols." I need this reminder. I am God's child, yet I am prone to worship other things. I need to be on guard against idols, and especially right now the idol of having a child. I could go on, but see how meditation makes our experience of reading God's word so much richer? When we meditate, God's word intersects with our lives and sinks deeper into our souls.
1.25.2007
A Plan to Read God's Word
If we want to prioritize God's word in our lives, we need a plan for reading God's word. Without some sort of plan, I will find myself sitting with Bible in hand, closed, unsure of where to turn and what to read. That uncertainty quickly leads to discouragement, and before I know it I'm not even picking up the Bible for private devotion anymore. So for the past couple of years I have had specific plans for my quiet times, and my love for God's word and its fruit in my life have grown. Now, it is vital to keep in mind that a plan is a tool. If you can't follow your plan, don't feel condemned. Take hold of grace, make adjustments to your plan as needed, and start again. Also, feel free to take breaks from your plan. For instance, for about a year and a half, I was following the daily readings in D.A. Carson's For the Love of God (Vol. 1). Most days, I read the passages that were listed in order. However, there were times when I felt the need to focus on putting a particular sin to death, or on rereading some Scriptures about suffering, or on a topic related to the teaching at church. So I would set aside my plan for a time (anywhere from a couple days to a couple months) and pursue that other focus. The point is that a plan should be helpful, not rigid, and you should continue to ask the Spirit's guidance as you follow your plan. Lastly, I find it helpful not only to plan for what I will read but also to plan for when I will read. Most weekdays, I sit down with my breakfast, my Bible, a journal, and any supplemental books I might be reading. This is what works best in my current season of life. My husband, who gets up much much earlier than I do, finds that he is too groggy during his morning at home, so he tries to get into his office 30 minutes or so before he needs to start work, and he spends time in God's word there. Find a plan for what to read and when to read, a plan that works with your schedule (and you may need to rearrange some things, like bedtime, to make God's word a priority), and you will benefit!
My current plan is to study God's character. After looking at the topic of idolatry, I thought it would help my soul to love God more than anything else if I learned to see him more fully. So each day, I read a small section from one of the chapters about God's attributes in Wayne Grudem's Bible Doctrine. Then, I spend time reading and meditating on specific passages of Scripture that Grudem references in the section I've read. My view of God is definitely growing larger as I study his infinity, his holiness, his presence, his goodness. I'm looking forward to what I will learn as I continue this reading plan. I'm also always looking for new ideas for plans to take in God's word, so let me know if you have a plan to recommend!
My current plan is to study God's character. After looking at the topic of idolatry, I thought it would help my soul to love God more than anything else if I learned to see him more fully. So each day, I read a small section from one of the chapters about God's attributes in Wayne Grudem's Bible Doctrine. Then, I spend time reading and meditating on specific passages of Scripture that Grudem references in the section I've read. My view of God is definitely growing larger as I study his infinity, his holiness, his presence, his goodness. I'm looking forward to what I will learn as I continue this reading plan. I'm also always looking for new ideas for plans to take in God's word, so let me know if you have a plan to recommend!
1.24.2007
God's Word
For the month of January, our church has been considering God's word, through 3 sermons and a seminar. (Before that, we had the privilege of hearing an absolutely outstanding message on "Not Shifting from the Gospel" - I wish I had posted on it, but I didn't have time to do so earlier this month; I highly recommend you listen to it for yourself!) God's word has been a dear source of comfort to me during this lengthy season of affliction, and it was good to be reminded of those benefits through these recent messages. A few points have particularly stood out:
- We most need to rely on Scripture as true when we don't see the truth of it reflected in our circumstances. I have found this to be the case in my struggles with infertility. The more my situation makes it look like God is distant or uncaring, the more I need to cling to the truth in God's word that tell me he is near and kind. As it seems less and less likely that we will conceive, I need more and more to believe that all things work for my good (Rom. 8:28).
- The effect of Scripture on our souls is gradual, occuring over time. I spent many, many months meditating on 1 Peter 4:19 before I began to see in my life any fruit of trusting my faithful Creator. If you have been trying to spend time in God's word and are discouraged about lack of growth, don't give up! Affection for God and his word will come in time.
- God is eager to reveal himself to us, especially through Scripture. He is not hiding. Even reading some of the most difficult to understand passages, we can look for our need for a Savior (examples of sin and suffering in this fallen world) and God's disposition to provide a Savior (to rescue his people from their sin and suffering).
I have been encouraged afresh to press into God's word, to search in Scripture for comfort and correction. This week, I'll continue to share some thoughts about how I personally plan to benefit from God's word in the coming months.
1.23.2007
Round 8, Day 13
Thank you to all of you who prayed for our IUI yesterday. It went very, very well. We were almost completely free from anxiety during both the “preparation” and the procedure. Aaron’s counts basically tripled from the numbers in the past. As a result, our attitudes have shifted from expecting next to nothing out of this cycle to cautious optimism that it might actually be a success. We really pray that it is so. In the meantime, we are seeking to set our minds on the Spirit rather than on the possibility of conception, because “to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace” (Rom. 8:6). Who doesn’t want life and peace?
Next medical step: a progesterone check on Monday.
Coming this week on the blog (schedule permitting): thoughts on God’s word.
Next medical step: a progesterone check on Monday.
Coming this week on the blog (schedule permitting): thoughts on God’s word.
1.19.2007
Round 8, Day 9
All systems go for an IUI on Monday morning. (A bout of the flu this week appears not to have interfered at all.) My ultrasound this morning revealed the usual gaggle of follicles that just need a little more prompting. The largest on the left was 16mm, and the largest on the right was 20mm, but judging by my estrogen levels the 20mm is actually that little cyst Wendy saw last week. So we'll give the 16mm a few days to grow (and another dose of Follistim to grow on), and some of the other medium-sized ones on both ovaries will probably catch up. Please pray for Monday morning to go smoothly; the whole IUI process has tended to stress us out. (Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that our past 2 IUIs were done on already crazy days.)
This prayer encouraged me this morning, especially the second half:
O my Saviour,
I thank thee from the depths of my being
for thy wondrous grace and love
in bearing my sin in thine own body on the tree.
May thy cross be to me
as the tree that sweetens my bitter Marahs,
as the rod that blossoms with life and beauty,
as the brazen serpent that calls forth the look of faith.
By thy cross crucify my every sin;
Use it to increase my intimacy with thyself;
Make it the ground of all my comfort,
the liveliness of all my duties,
the sum of all thy gospel promises,
the comfort of all my afflictions,
the vigour of my love, thankfulness, graces,
the very essence of my religion;
And by it give me that rest without rest,
the rest of ceaseless praise.
O my Lord and Saviour,
Thou hast also appointed a cross for me to take up and carry,
a cross before thou givest me a crown.
Thou hast appointed it to be my portion,
but self-love hates it,
carnal reason is unreconciled to it;
without the grace of patience I cannot bear it,
walk with it, profit by it.
O blessed cross, what merices dost thou bring with thee!
Thou art only esteemed hateful by my rebel will,
heavy because I shirk thy load.
Teach me, gracious Lord and Saviour,
that with my cross thou sendest promised grace
so that I may bear it patiently,
that my cross is thy yoke which is easy,
and thy burden which is light.
-"The Grace of the Cross" from The Valley of Vision, p. 172
This prayer encouraged me this morning, especially the second half:
O my Saviour,
I thank thee from the depths of my being
for thy wondrous grace and love
in bearing my sin in thine own body on the tree.
May thy cross be to me
as the tree that sweetens my bitter Marahs,
as the rod that blossoms with life and beauty,
as the brazen serpent that calls forth the look of faith.
By thy cross crucify my every sin;
Use it to increase my intimacy with thyself;
Make it the ground of all my comfort,
the liveliness of all my duties,
the sum of all thy gospel promises,
the comfort of all my afflictions,
the vigour of my love, thankfulness, graces,
the very essence of my religion;
And by it give me that rest without rest,
the rest of ceaseless praise.
O my Lord and Saviour,
Thou hast also appointed a cross for me to take up and carry,
a cross before thou givest me a crown.
Thou hast appointed it to be my portion,
but self-love hates it,
carnal reason is unreconciled to it;
without the grace of patience I cannot bear it,
walk with it, profit by it.
O blessed cross, what merices dost thou bring with thee!
Thou art only esteemed hateful by my rebel will,
heavy because I shirk thy load.
Teach me, gracious Lord and Saviour,
that with my cross thou sendest promised grace
so that I may bear it patiently,
that my cross is thy yoke which is easy,
and thy burden which is light.
-"The Grace of the Cross" from The Valley of Vision, p. 172
1.12.2007
Round 8, Day 2
I'm not big on making new year's resolutions. However, in keeping with its policy of opposing me at every juncture, my reproductive system appears to have made a few. Uterus, cervix, and ovaries jointly resolved to reach new levels of stubbornness and cussedness, and their first ornery act of the year was to delay my period for just over a week while simultaneously yielding negative pregnancy tests. But their fun could only last for so long, and a new cycle began yesterday.
I visited the lovely Wendy the Wonder Wander and Nurse Answers today for ultrasound and bloodwork. There is a tiny cyst on my right ovary (perhaps the reason for the aforementioned belatedness?), but it should not interfere with our treatment plans for this cycle. What, you ask, are those plans? Clomid for the last time, along with a couple injections of Follistim, followed by a chaser of Ovidrel trigger shot and an IUI. I'll keep you posted... Along with all of these fine medications, I'm starting to think that modern fertility treatment has decided to borrow the age-old method of leeching to help patients conceive. In keeping with my clinic's new policy, I apparently need some new blood tests run. So after today's appointment, I hopped straight over to my primary care doctor for another visit to the vampires, uh, I mean, the phlebotomy lab. And remember right arm? Well, after months of being on its best behavior, it chose today to offer only a mere trickle of the elixir of life. So poor left arm bore the brunt of two needle-pokes and valiantly gave up 5 total vials of blood between the two appointments. And while I'm told these are necessary tests, I'm convinced it's just covert leeching.
In other news, it's de-lurking week! Join me on the tail end of the fun and leave a comment. If you read regularly, if you're reading for the first time, if you comment often or never, now is the time. Say hi, and if you feel shy and don't know what else to say, let me know what your new year's resolution is. Maybe my uterus can get some new ideas...
I visited the lovely Wendy the Wonder Wander and Nurse Answers today for ultrasound and bloodwork. There is a tiny cyst on my right ovary (perhaps the reason for the aforementioned belatedness?), but it should not interfere with our treatment plans for this cycle. What, you ask, are those plans? Clomid for the last time, along with a couple injections of Follistim, followed by a chaser of Ovidrel trigger shot and an IUI. I'll keep you posted... Along with all of these fine medications, I'm starting to think that modern fertility treatment has decided to borrow the age-old method of leeching to help patients conceive. In keeping with my clinic's new policy, I apparently need some new blood tests run. So after today's appointment, I hopped straight over to my primary care doctor for another visit to the vampires, uh, I mean, the phlebotomy lab. And remember right arm? Well, after months of being on its best behavior, it chose today to offer only a mere trickle of the elixir of life. So poor left arm bore the brunt of two needle-pokes and valiantly gave up 5 total vials of blood between the two appointments. And while I'm told these are necessary tests, I'm convinced it's just covert leeching.
In other news, it's de-lurking week! Join me on the tail end of the fun and leave a comment. If you read regularly, if you're reading for the first time, if you comment often or never, now is the time. Say hi, and if you feel shy and don't know what else to say, let me know what your new year's resolution is. Maybe my uterus can get some new ideas...
1.10.2007
Barrenness and Its Discontents
Sometime last month, a friend asked me if there were certain things I wish people understood about my suffering with infertility. Things that compound the sorrow because others "just don't get it." At the time, I mentioned the pervasiveness of this trial; it is not limited to my reproductive system, but it affects my marriage, my work, my schedule, my friendships, my involvement in church, my relationship with God. That overflow is what first came to mind, but since then I've been pondering the question off and on and I've come up with further answers.
I wish people could understand the grief, the sense of loss. I don't just feel a wistful longing for what I don't have; I feel an aching gap of what could have been - the child that could be learning to walk, or starting to eat solid foods, or smiling for the first time, or ready to enter the world, or beginning to move in my womb, if only we had conceived at any point during the past two years. Month after month I mourn the baby that might have been. And that mourning doesn't diminish over time, like many griefs do - it mounts and grows and swells. When one cycle ends, I weep for the possibility that died that month, and the month before that, and the month before that, and all the months that have come and gone. Studies have shown that women dealing with infertility have depressions rates similar to or surpassing those of people who have AIDS or cancer or other terminal illnesses. I am grateful for the grace that has kept my sorrow from deepening into depression, but my grief could so easily tip into that precipice.
I wish people could understand the horrible catch-22 that infertility has brought into my closest friendships. Many of my closest friends are experiencing all the things that I long for - pregnancy, childbirth, caring for an infant. I don't always know how to deal with that, and I sense that many of my friends don't, either. There are so many "darned if you do, darned if you don't" scenarios: A friend joyfully announces a pregnancy. I want to be happy for her, but her good news is a stinging reminder of my anguish, and I fight back tears as I offer congratulations and wish she has been more sensitive. Alternatively, a friend waits for months to tell me about her pregnancy because she is not sure how to tell me and does not want to hurt me. When she finally shares, I go through the first steps of my previous reaction, then find a private place to cry over the fact that infertility has put up barriers in our friendship and turned me into a burden on others, a pariah. Or consider another: I am with a group of friends with newborns, and the conversation naturally turns to infant milestones, breastfeeding tactics, or some other such stuff. I start to withdraw, get a glassy stare, and mentally chant, "Do not give in to self-pity! Do not give in to self-pity! But what are they thinking to talk about this stuff around me?" But if my friends don't tell me about those milestones, about how they are feeling post-partum, or if I am not with them as they discuss those things, I feel left out and awkward and like I don't have a place in their lives anymore because I haven't conceived or given birth. Added to the grief of infertility is the grief of feeling friendships slip away. I want to still be a friend, and I want to serve my friends, and I want to know what their lives are like right now. But all of that hurts right now, and it is messy, and it takes a lot of patience on both sides to sort through.
I wish people could understand the way the heartache of infertility sneaks up on me in some of the most mundane moments. A song uses barrenness as a metaphor for spiritual dryness, and while most people just sing right through it, I am stuck in my tracks. I am barren, not metaphorically but literally, physically. My mouth continues to form the rest of the words of the song, but my mind is echoing, "I am barren...barren...barren..." We're praying with friends, and they are asking God for the salvation of their children. Others are agreeing in prayer. Meanwhile, my heart is fluttering rapidly and I have to sit down. My children don't exist. In a conversation with another lady about food spills and cleaning carpets, she mentions how much worse it will be when she has kids. I smile and nod knowingly, but my gut drops. I don't have the luxury of such assumptions. My carpets may be clean forever. These are the sorts of things that no one would even think to notice, but are the flags of infertility that wave at me everywhere I go.
I wish people could understand how unknown the future is. Yes, you might have a friend that tried to get pregnant for 7 years, then gave up and started to adopt, and then had pregancy take her completely by surprise (or whatever the variation of the story). But that doesn't help me. That doesn't give me any guarantees. You may be sure that I'll have babies someday, but I'm not so sure and I seriously question your certainty. I daily stare down the possibility that I will never be pregnant, and it gets more likely with every month that passes. By all means, have faith for me - I certainly need it - but please recognize that only the Lord knows if and when and how he will make me a mother.
I wish people could understand how silent, how hidden infertility is. You cannot tell by looking at me that I am in the midst of affliction*. This is not the kind of trial that mobilizes people to bring meals, to offer to clean the house, to send flowers. I can still function, outwardly. It is inwardly that I fall apart and lose control. People ask me if there is anything they can do, and I honestly don't know how to answer that question. But sometimes I wish that infertility brought some kind of acknowledgment besides words.
At this point you may be thinking, "Didn't she say up in paragraph two that she's not depressed? What is all this doom and gloom?" I know this all sounds rather bleak. It's not the complete picture - there is trust in God, there is spiritual fruit, there are many, many kind and compassionate friends, there is some kind of burgeoning hope - but I wanted to take time to write about the facets of my personal suffering that are often hardest to express. Because the anguish is real. Distress is not dismissed. Not by God. Not by me. And, hopefully if you've read this, not by you.
*Unless I am publicly weeping. Which does happen, and is humbling.
I wish people could understand the grief, the sense of loss. I don't just feel a wistful longing for what I don't have; I feel an aching gap of what could have been - the child that could be learning to walk, or starting to eat solid foods, or smiling for the first time, or ready to enter the world, or beginning to move in my womb, if only we had conceived at any point during the past two years. Month after month I mourn the baby that might have been. And that mourning doesn't diminish over time, like many griefs do - it mounts and grows and swells. When one cycle ends, I weep for the possibility that died that month, and the month before that, and the month before that, and all the months that have come and gone. Studies have shown that women dealing with infertility have depressions rates similar to or surpassing those of people who have AIDS or cancer or other terminal illnesses. I am grateful for the grace that has kept my sorrow from deepening into depression, but my grief could so easily tip into that precipice.
I wish people could understand the horrible catch-22 that infertility has brought into my closest friendships. Many of my closest friends are experiencing all the things that I long for - pregnancy, childbirth, caring for an infant. I don't always know how to deal with that, and I sense that many of my friends don't, either. There are so many "darned if you do, darned if you don't" scenarios: A friend joyfully announces a pregnancy. I want to be happy for her, but her good news is a stinging reminder of my anguish, and I fight back tears as I offer congratulations and wish she has been more sensitive. Alternatively, a friend waits for months to tell me about her pregnancy because she is not sure how to tell me and does not want to hurt me. When she finally shares, I go through the first steps of my previous reaction, then find a private place to cry over the fact that infertility has put up barriers in our friendship and turned me into a burden on others, a pariah. Or consider another: I am with a group of friends with newborns, and the conversation naturally turns to infant milestones, breastfeeding tactics, or some other such stuff. I start to withdraw, get a glassy stare, and mentally chant, "Do not give in to self-pity! Do not give in to self-pity! But what are they thinking to talk about this stuff around me?" But if my friends don't tell me about those milestones, about how they are feeling post-partum, or if I am not with them as they discuss those things, I feel left out and awkward and like I don't have a place in their lives anymore because I haven't conceived or given birth. Added to the grief of infertility is the grief of feeling friendships slip away. I want to still be a friend, and I want to serve my friends, and I want to know what their lives are like right now. But all of that hurts right now, and it is messy, and it takes a lot of patience on both sides to sort through.
I wish people could understand the way the heartache of infertility sneaks up on me in some of the most mundane moments. A song uses barrenness as a metaphor for spiritual dryness, and while most people just sing right through it, I am stuck in my tracks. I am barren, not metaphorically but literally, physically. My mouth continues to form the rest of the words of the song, but my mind is echoing, "I am barren...barren...barren..." We're praying with friends, and they are asking God for the salvation of their children. Others are agreeing in prayer. Meanwhile, my heart is fluttering rapidly and I have to sit down. My children don't exist. In a conversation with another lady about food spills and cleaning carpets, she mentions how much worse it will be when she has kids. I smile and nod knowingly, but my gut drops. I don't have the luxury of such assumptions. My carpets may be clean forever. These are the sorts of things that no one would even think to notice, but are the flags of infertility that wave at me everywhere I go.
I wish people could understand how unknown the future is. Yes, you might have a friend that tried to get pregnant for 7 years, then gave up and started to adopt, and then had pregancy take her completely by surprise (or whatever the variation of the story). But that doesn't help me. That doesn't give me any guarantees. You may be sure that I'll have babies someday, but I'm not so sure and I seriously question your certainty. I daily stare down the possibility that I will never be pregnant, and it gets more likely with every month that passes. By all means, have faith for me - I certainly need it - but please recognize that only the Lord knows if and when and how he will make me a mother.
I wish people could understand how silent, how hidden infertility is. You cannot tell by looking at me that I am in the midst of affliction*. This is not the kind of trial that mobilizes people to bring meals, to offer to clean the house, to send flowers. I can still function, outwardly. It is inwardly that I fall apart and lose control. People ask me if there is anything they can do, and I honestly don't know how to answer that question. But sometimes I wish that infertility brought some kind of acknowledgment besides words.
At this point you may be thinking, "Didn't she say up in paragraph two that she's not depressed? What is all this doom and gloom?" I know this all sounds rather bleak. It's not the complete picture - there is trust in God, there is spiritual fruit, there are many, many kind and compassionate friends, there is some kind of burgeoning hope - but I wanted to take time to write about the facets of my personal suffering that are often hardest to express. Because the anguish is real. Distress is not dismissed. Not by God. Not by me. And, hopefully if you've read this, not by you.
*Unless I am publicly weeping. Which does happen, and is humbling.
1.04.2007
Catching Up
Well, the new year is underway. We had a pleasant Christmas visit to West Virginia - where I did not have access to high-speed internet, so I'm now trying to catch up on e-mail, blog reading, etc. My apologies to Amy for the long delay in publishing her comment. I'm also still catching up on life at home and work, and those take priority over blogging. Until I'm enough up to speed to continue posting, I leave you with this snapshot of an infertile holiday adventure...
After attending church with Aaron's family in West Virginia, I was walking across the fellowship hall when I was hailed by a lady who knows the Pattersons well. From the other side of the room she asked, "Andrea, how are you feeling?" A little confused, but assuming she is wondering if we're tired from the travel, I reply, "Fine." She continues, "Have you been sick at all?" Realizing that she is probably not referring to my general well-being but assuming that I am gestating, I cut to the chase. "No. I'm not pregnant." Well, somehow she had heard wrongly that I was (perhaps someone slipped and said the wrong name when talking about my sister-in-law who is due in April?). She said she'd been praying for me to have a healthy pregnancy for months, so she was duly surprised not to see a baby belly on me. I said that she was welcome to pray instead for us to conceive. She inquired further and I explained that we have been trying for two years. Unexpectedly, her response was knowledgeable and compassionate (not the mere platitudes that many acquaintances tend to offer). While the encounter was definitely a startling and melancholy reminder of my un-pregnant state, God helped me to react graciously and turned the conversation to a good ending - more people praying for us!
After attending church with Aaron's family in West Virginia, I was walking across the fellowship hall when I was hailed by a lady who knows the Pattersons well. From the other side of the room she asked, "Andrea, how are you feeling?" A little confused, but assuming she is wondering if we're tired from the travel, I reply, "Fine." She continues, "Have you been sick at all?" Realizing that she is probably not referring to my general well-being but assuming that I am gestating, I cut to the chase. "No. I'm not pregnant." Well, somehow she had heard wrongly that I was (perhaps someone slipped and said the wrong name when talking about my sister-in-law who is due in April?). She said she'd been praying for me to have a healthy pregnancy for months, so she was duly surprised not to see a baby belly on me. I said that she was welcome to pray instead for us to conceive. She inquired further and I explained that we have been trying for two years. Unexpectedly, her response was knowledgeable and compassionate (not the mere platitudes that many acquaintances tend to offer). While the encounter was definitely a startling and melancholy reminder of my un-pregnant state, God helped me to react graciously and turned the conversation to a good ending - more people praying for us!
12.20.2006
Late in Time
In many ways, I've been dreading this Christmas season. Yet another year has come and gone, and I am still not pregnant. I am certainly not celebrating baby's first Christmas. Two years have passed since Aaron and I sat in our car, stuck in a snowstorm on the way to West Virginia, and talked dreamily about how next year we'd probably be a family of three for the holidays. A year has passed since I thought that despite the disappointments of 2005, surely I would at least be pregnant by the end of 2006. I dare not hope for 2007. And not only is Christmas a painful reminder of the children we do not yet have, it is a season focused on the holiness of a birth. We tell and re-tell the amazing story of a virgin who conceived, for goodness' sake. I love the story, believe it with all my heart, but yet there is something about that miracle that can bring a small ache to my infertile soul.
So I dreaded Christmas this year. But God has mercifully given me a new measure of joy, instead of the heartache I anticipated. My circumstances are still difficult, my trial is not over, my temptations still press in. Yet I find myself singing. As we sang "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" in church a couple weeks ago, the Spirit illuminated to me the words, "Late in time behold him come, offspring of a virgin's womb." At first, I felt that pang, but then I really thought about those lyrics. Though he was suddenly and unexpectedly conceived (from a human perspective), Christ's birth was long awaited. A barren world yearned for centuries for the Messiah to come. Thousands lived and died, hoping for the birth of a Savior, trusting God's promise of a Redeemer. Human hearts were sick with sin and deferred hope. Then, oh miraculous act of love, God became man, took on flesh as a tiny infant. Immanuel. God with us. God with us in our deepest suffering. God with us to rescue us from his own wrath against our sin. God with us to give us himself.
This month, every time I think of the anguish of the past couple of years and the anxiety about the upcoming year, I remember. "Late in time behold him come." My years of waiting to conceive are small in comparison to the centuries that the world waited for the Savior to be born. My suffering - though still weighty - is infinitely lighter because I live after that birth, after Christ bore the burden of my sins. I am waiting for a baby, but I am not waiting for a Redeemer. I trust and hope that I will see my child's face one day; I know with certainty that I will see my Lord's face in heaven.
So I dreaded Christmas this year. But God has mercifully given me a new measure of joy, instead of the heartache I anticipated. My circumstances are still difficult, my trial is not over, my temptations still press in. Yet I find myself singing. As we sang "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" in church a couple weeks ago, the Spirit illuminated to me the words, "Late in time behold him come, offspring of a virgin's womb." At first, I felt that pang, but then I really thought about those lyrics. Though he was suddenly and unexpectedly conceived (from a human perspective), Christ's birth was long awaited. A barren world yearned for centuries for the Messiah to come. Thousands lived and died, hoping for the birth of a Savior, trusting God's promise of a Redeemer. Human hearts were sick with sin and deferred hope. Then, oh miraculous act of love, God became man, took on flesh as a tiny infant. Immanuel. God with us. God with us in our deepest suffering. God with us to rescue us from his own wrath against our sin. God with us to give us himself.
This month, every time I think of the anguish of the past couple of years and the anxiety about the upcoming year, I remember. "Late in time behold him come." My years of waiting to conceive are small in comparison to the centuries that the world waited for the Savior to be born. My suffering - though still weighty - is infinitely lighter because I live after that birth, after Christ bore the burden of my sins. I am waiting for a baby, but I am not waiting for a Redeemer. I trust and hope that I will see my child's face one day; I know with certainty that I will see my Lord's face in heaven.
12.13.2006
Oh Where, Oh Where Can She Be?
In case you've noticed my blogging hiatus, I say with abject humility that I have better reasons for it than Adam. In fact, I have about 55 reasons. Here are a few of them:
Aren't they precious reasons? Last Sunday, our church presented its children's Christmas musical. As director and co-author of the program, I've had my hands full. I am so grateful to the Lord for blessing the creation and production of this musical. The kids proclaimed the good news of Christmas with great joy through song and drama, and we were all delighted.
If you've been paying close attention, you might remember the footnote to this post. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that, but due to travel, a mission presentation, and musical rehearsals, I've only heard 2 complete sermons since September. Lord willing, I can reboot this part of the blog soon!
11.30.2006
Brought to You by the Letter "M"
Bit of Miscellany #1
If you're playing along with the progesterone levels game, you'll be glad to know that I've managed to hit my highest peak yet - 40wupmL. And that was only 5dpo (for those unfamiliar with the infertility acronyms, that stands for "days past ovulation"), when progesterone usually crests at 7dpo.
Bit of Miscellany #2
Speaking of high peaks, did you know that when Aaron and I went to Galena for our anniversary two weeks ago, we were within a few miles of the highest elevation point in the state of Illinois? Yes, that's right folks, Charles Mound scales in at a lofty 1,235 feet above sea level. I should specify that it is the tallest natural point, because my sources tell me that the Sears Tower is actually taller. Aahh, the glories of the plains... Anyway, Aaron and I had hoped to visit this illustrious landmark, but sadly it is on private property and very rarely open to the public.
Bit of Miscellany #3
I've been monitoring visitors to my blog (yes, I am watching you!), and I'm a little curious about some of my readers. I can figure out who the Naperville & Wheaton, Waco & Austin readers are, for the most part. But who are my regular readers in San Marcos, TX*, and Clarksville, MD? And how about LaGrange, IL? Speak up if that's you; I'd like to meet you!
*I think the spellcheck tool likes Texas. It didn't question any of the cities named from the Lone Star State, but highlighted as suspicious all the cities in Illinois and Maryland.
If you're playing along with the progesterone levels game, you'll be glad to know that I've managed to hit my highest peak yet - 40wupmL. And that was only 5dpo (for those unfamiliar with the infertility acronyms, that stands for "days past ovulation"), when progesterone usually crests at 7dpo.
Bit of Miscellany #2
Speaking of high peaks, did you know that when Aaron and I went to Galena for our anniversary two weeks ago, we were within a few miles of the highest elevation point in the state of Illinois? Yes, that's right folks, Charles Mound scales in at a lofty 1,235 feet above sea level. I should specify that it is the tallest natural point, because my sources tell me that the Sears Tower is actually taller. Aahh, the glories of the plains... Anyway, Aaron and I had hoped to visit this illustrious landmark, but sadly it is on private property and very rarely open to the public.
Bit of Miscellany #3
I've been monitoring visitors to my blog (yes, I am watching you!), and I'm a little curious about some of my readers. I can figure out who the Naperville & Wheaton, Waco & Austin readers are, for the most part. But who are my regular readers in San Marcos, TX*, and Clarksville, MD? And how about LaGrange, IL? Speak up if that's you; I'd like to meet you!
*I think the spellcheck tool likes Texas. It didn't question any of the cities named from the Lone Star State, but highlighted as suspicious all the cities in Illinois and Maryland.
11.28.2006
If a Tree Falls...
...in an apartment in the middle of the night when the residents are sleeping, does anyone hear it?
Decidedly yes. At first it is a little mysterious. What was that crash and tinkling sound? After the husband and wife consult with each other, the husband gets up and goes to the living room. He confirms that, yes, the Christmas tree has fallen over at 4 a.m. The live Christmas tree with a stand full of water that is now all over the carpet. The Christmas tree that was just decorated that very evening, and now has strewn ornaments, lights, and garland like shrapnel. Oh, and what seems like about one-third of its needles have formed a new rug for the dining room.
It took us a very groggy hour to get the tree back up in the stand, hopefully more secure (although it did start to fall over two more times while we were cleaning up, so we're not holding our breath). Thankfully, only 2 ornaments broke, and neither had great sentimental value.
As Aaron said, "It's good to have midnight adventures every now and then." Like the time we woke up to water pouring through the heat lamp in our bathroom ceiling. Or the time we heard a huge crash in the kitchen, and Aaron threw his arm protectively across me and told me to wait while he confronted the burglar - which ended up being 2 shelves of mugs that fell and shattered on the tile floor. Good times, good times*.
*But I'd rather be woken up at 4 a.m. by a baby crying than my Christmas tree toppling...
Decidedly yes. At first it is a little mysterious. What was that crash and tinkling sound? After the husband and wife consult with each other, the husband gets up and goes to the living room. He confirms that, yes, the Christmas tree has fallen over at 4 a.m. The live Christmas tree with a stand full of water that is now all over the carpet. The Christmas tree that was just decorated that very evening, and now has strewn ornaments, lights, and garland like shrapnel. Oh, and what seems like about one-third of its needles have formed a new rug for the dining room.
It took us a very groggy hour to get the tree back up in the stand, hopefully more secure (although it did start to fall over two more times while we were cleaning up, so we're not holding our breath). Thankfully, only 2 ornaments broke, and neither had great sentimental value.
As Aaron said, "It's good to have midnight adventures every now and then." Like the time we woke up to water pouring through the heat lamp in our bathroom ceiling. Or the time we heard a huge crash in the kitchen, and Aaron threw his arm protectively across me and told me to wait while he confronted the burglar - which ended up being 2 shelves of mugs that fell and shattered on the tile floor. Good times, good times*.
*But I'd rather be woken up at 4 a.m. by a baby crying than my Christmas tree toppling...
11.22.2006
Round 6, Day 9
Quick update after today's ultrasound and bloodwork:
I have one large follicle on each ovary (20mm and 17mm), plus several smaller ones as well. I'll do another dose of Follistim tonight and then have a Thanksgiving trigger shot. Nurse Answers informed me that we cannot do an IUI this round, due to a new policy at the clinic that all males must be tested for HIV and such before any procedures can be done. (The policy used to just include female patients, so I've already had this pointless-for-us blood panel done, but now Aaron too will get to undergo useless needle-sticking.) Instead of an IUI, we'll have timed intercourse. I'm actually grateful to God for this change. IUI's have been pretty stressful for us, and it would have been hard to rearrange a busy holiday weekend around a visit to the clinic in the northern suburbs. Technically, our chances of conceiving may be lower without the IUI, but I am daring to feel somewhat optimistic about this combination of high-tech medicine and old-fashioned baby-making. Only the Lord knows when and how he will bestow the gift of life, but I pray this will be the month!
Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."
I have one large follicle on each ovary (20mm and 17mm), plus several smaller ones as well. I'll do another dose of Follistim tonight and then have a Thanksgiving trigger shot. Nurse Answers informed me that we cannot do an IUI this round, due to a new policy at the clinic that all males must be tested for HIV and such before any procedures can be done. (The policy used to just include female patients, so I've already had this pointless-for-us blood panel done, but now Aaron too will get to undergo useless needle-sticking.) Instead of an IUI, we'll have timed intercourse. I'm actually grateful to God for this change. IUI's have been pretty stressful for us, and it would have been hard to rearrange a busy holiday weekend around a visit to the clinic in the northern suburbs. Technically, our chances of conceiving may be lower without the IUI, but I am daring to feel somewhat optimistic about this combination of high-tech medicine and old-fashioned baby-making. Only the Lord knows when and how he will bestow the gift of life, but I pray this will be the month!
Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."
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