Veronica of Toddled Dredge tagged me for a post that lists three random things about me. (And how honored am I to be tagged by one of my favorite bloggers?) Without further ado, here's the list:
1) In my junior year of college, I thought I wanted to go on to get my Ph.D. in literature and become an English professor. In my junior year of college, I met Aaron. As we prepared for marriage, we decided that graduate school wasn't the best option because we wanted to be young parents. Yeah, that's gone really well. Ironically, I could have completed a doctoral program by now. However, I don't regret the choice I made (especially since we're now this close to paying off all of our school loans).
2) This is only indirectly about me, but I've had the opportunity to re-tell this story in the past few weeks, so it's fresh on my mind. My family comes from the Netherlands, and my grandparents still lived there at the time of WWII. (My mom was born at the end of the war, and the family moved away shortly afterwards.) My grandparents lived on a farm, and my grandfather (not the one that recently passed away, but the one still kicking in Texas) was the village carpenter. The family used their farm to hide some people from the Nazi army (mostly young men in danger of being conscripted by the enemy, but also a rabbi). As the German invasion approached, the townsfolk came to my grandfather and asked him to use his carpentry skills to hide all of their valuables (paintings, jewelry, etc.). At the end of the war, everyone returned to my grandpa to find out where their belongings were. He said, "You've been sitting on them every Sunday." He had built false bottoms to all the pews in church and stored all the valuables there. It wasn't until the 1990's that my grandparents shared these stories with any of their children or grandchildren.
3) Veronica mentioned in her list of three random things that she enjoys meat with sweet sauces. I actually dislike sweet-flavored meat dishes. The combination of tastes seems wrong to me somehow, as if they stay too distinct rather than blending together. I much prefer savory meat recipes, with garlic or onions and a decent dash of salt.
I'll tag some new blog friends: Mya, Jill, and Brenna (who is not a new friend but has a new blog).
5.02.2008
4.30.2008
Swell
The beta on Monday confirmed what we already knew on Sunday - negative. I'm disappointed, of course, but seeing that sadness and satisfaction in Christ can co-exist. If continued infertility is how God is going to receive the most glory from my life, I'm resigned to persevere in this trial.
So today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound. I warned the nurse that I expected cysts, as I've ended up with anywhere from one to four cysts after almost every single previous medicated cycle. The nurse sweetly said that she chose to think I'd be cyst-free this time around. But this morning I blew my own record out of the waters. As soon as the nurse began the ultrasound, she murmured in shock and asked if I was in any pain. Then she started typing measurements. A lot of measurements. Just guess how many cysts I have.
TWELVE.
Eight on the right ovary, four on the left, some as big as 4 cm.
I'm an ova-achiever. (Ba dum bum CHING.)
So now I've got a prescription for BCP to suck the life out of all those cysts. Hopefully, they'll all be gone by my next cycle so that we can do another IUI in June. In the meantime, I think I'll enjoy the recovery break, and I'll avoid any twisting, jumping, or abdominal exercises!
So today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound. I warned the nurse that I expected cysts, as I've ended up with anywhere from one to four cysts after almost every single previous medicated cycle. The nurse sweetly said that she chose to think I'd be cyst-free this time around. But this morning I blew my own record out of the waters. As soon as the nurse began the ultrasound, she murmured in shock and asked if I was in any pain. Then she started typing measurements. A lot of measurements. Just guess how many cysts I have.
TWELVE.
Eight on the right ovary, four on the left, some as big as 4 cm.
I'm an ova-achiever. (Ba dum bum CHING.)
So now I've got a prescription for BCP to suck the life out of all those cysts. Hopefully, they'll all be gone by my next cycle so that we can do another IUI in June. In the meantime, I think I'll enjoy the recovery break, and I'll avoid any twisting, jumping, or abdominal exercises!
4.28.2008
Yesterday
Yesterday, I woke up feeling anxious. One day to go until the blood test that would reveal the outcome of this IUI cycle.
Yesterday, I served in the nursery at church, holding someone else's fussing baby in my arms, standing and swaying until she calmed and slept. As the weight of her warm face pressed into my shoulder, wistfulness swelled and sighed in my heart.
Yesterday, I witnessed several young persons profess their faith in Christ and be baptized. Moms cried happily, dads proudly joined our pastors in lowering their children into the waters and raising them up again, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wondered if we would ever have the joy of having children, of seeing them come to know the Savior and join his bride, the church.
Yesterday, I started to bleed.
Yesterday, Jesus Christ was the same, a rest for the weary.
Today, Jesus Christ is the same, God with me.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, and all my tomorrows, Jesus Christ will be the same, my only hope and peace.
Yesterday, I served in the nursery at church, holding someone else's fussing baby in my arms, standing and swaying until she calmed and slept. As the weight of her warm face pressed into my shoulder, wistfulness swelled and sighed in my heart.
Yesterday, I witnessed several young persons profess their faith in Christ and be baptized. Moms cried happily, dads proudly joined our pastors in lowering their children into the waters and raising them up again, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wondered if we would ever have the joy of having children, of seeing them come to know the Savior and join his bride, the church.
Yesterday, I started to bleed.
Yesterday, Jesus Christ was the same, a rest for the weary.
Today, Jesus Christ is the same, God with me.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, and all my tomorrows, Jesus Christ will be the same, my only hope and peace.
4.25.2008
Contentment, Drift, and the Good News
As I wait for the results of this IUI cycle, I continue to be grateful to God for the contentment he has given me even in the middle of trial. But I've discovered that contentment is accompanied by a danger; I'm no longer quite so aware of my need for God. Where I used to urgently search for daily truth and grace to sustain me in the midst of difficulty, I lately have read Scripture and prayed with a sense of complacency. At church last Sunday, the message from Hebrews 2:1-4 spurred me on to guard against the danger of drift by paying "much closer attention" to the gospel. One of the application questions for the message was, "How do your affections for the gospel compare to where they were three months ago?" That question convicted me. My hard-won contentment was born out of gratitude for the gospel, but while the contentment has lingered, the cross-centeredness had not. So I have purposed, as I spend time with the Lord each day, to look more intentionally for the good news that Christ died for my sins.
Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!
What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?
Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace and kindness towards us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:4-7).
What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?
4.24.2008
A Letter from OfIRM to Mr. Aaron Patterson
Dear Sir,
We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes. While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails,
a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, 
should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."
Sincerely,
The Employees of OfIRM
*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.
We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes. While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails,
a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, 
should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."Sincerely,
The Employees of OfIRM
*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.
4.23.2008
Double Chocolate Cookies
What's that you say? You want a super-chocolatey cookie recipe? Well, alright...
Double Chocolate Cookies (makes about 24)
20 oz semisweet chocolate chips, divided
4 tbsp butter
2/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 350F. Heat 8 oz chocolate chips and butter in a bowl in the microwave in 20-second increments, stirring between each, until almost melted; do not overheat. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla on high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Don't skimp on the time beating the eggs and sugar! It makes the difference between thinly spread, crumbly cookies and perfectly round cookies with a soft center and a meringue-like exterior.) Reduce speed to low; beat in melted chocolate mixture. Mix in flour mixture until just combined. Stir in the remaining 12 oz of chocolate chips. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2-3 inches apart onto baking sheets. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through until cookies are shiny and crackly yet soft in centers, 12-15 minutes. Cool on sheets 10 minutes; transfer to racks to cool completely.
Oh, yum.
Double Chocolate Cookies (makes about 24)
20 oz semisweet chocolate chips, divided
4 tbsp butter
2/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 350F. Heat 8 oz chocolate chips and butter in a bowl in the microwave in 20-second increments, stirring between each, until almost melted; do not overheat. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla on high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Don't skimp on the time beating the eggs and sugar! It makes the difference between thinly spread, crumbly cookies and perfectly round cookies with a soft center and a meringue-like exterior.) Reduce speed to low; beat in melted chocolate mixture. Mix in flour mixture until just combined. Stir in the remaining 12 oz of chocolate chips. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2-3 inches apart onto baking sheets. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through until cookies are shiny and crackly yet soft in centers, 12-15 minutes. Cool on sheets 10 minutes; transfer to racks to cool completely.
Oh, yum.
4.21.2008
Vigilante of Heart
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23
In his commentary* on this verse, D.A. Carson writes, "In contemporary Western symbolism, the heart is the seat of the emotions. But in the symbol-world of Scripture, the heart is the seat of the whole person. It is closer to what we mean by 'mind,' though in English 'mind' is perhaps a little too cerebral. So 'guard your heart' means more than 'be careful what, or whom, you love' - though it cannot easily mean less than that. It means something like, 'Be careful what you treasure; be careful what you set your affections and thoughts on.'"
What do I treasure? What do I most often set my affections and thoughts on? These days, I think a lot about two things: having children and buying a home. Now, neither of those is bad or wrong. They are generally good desires. But when Aaron and I consider whether this is a wise time to buy a house, I have to carefully evaluate whether or not I have placed an undue importance on owning a home. And as I wait for the results of this IUI, I need to diligently examine my heart for any inordinate reliance on a pregnancy to give me joy.
Why should I be so vigilant? Because the heart, as Carson goes on to say, "directs the rest of life. What you set your mind and emotions on determines where you go and what you do. ... If your heart is ardently pursuing peripheral things (not necessarily prurient things), then from a Christian perspective you soon come to be occupied with the merely peripheral. If what you dream of is possessing a certain thing, ...that shapes your life."
I don't want to spend my life occupied with the merely peripheral. Houses and, yes, even children are peripheral. Though having a child and owning a home would both be great blessings, neither is essential to my satisfaction. And neither makes an ultimately worthy goal for my life. I still hope to have children by some means, and I still wish to buy a home when the time is right, but those intentions must be submitted to the aim of knowing and glorifying my Savior. So I guard my heart against treasuring motherhood and home-ownership too much. He loves me without those things, and by his grace I can love him without those things.
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith." Philippians 3:8-9
*in the reading for March 17 from For the Love of God, Vol. 2
4.17.2008
Super Size
Want to double the amount of traffic to your blog overnight? Apparently all you have to do is participate in Works-for-Me-Wednesday. Holy moley! Welcome to all of you visiting from Rocks in My Dryer.
I had an ultrasound this morning to measure my ovaries post-IUI. Judging by the reactions of the nurses, they are plenty large (I didn't ask for exact size, and I wasn't told). The right is much bigger than the left, which lines up with how I've been feeling. (I suspect a cyst, since I had them with every previous medicated IUI.) No need for the HCG booster shot, and I have instructions to call if I feel any severe pain. For now, me and my progesterone suppositories keep trucking along for the remaining week and a half until the blood test that reveals all. Amazingly, I don't feel any real anxiety or impatience as I wait to find out whether this IUI worked or not; I thank God for his Spirit's work in my heart to that end!
I had an ultrasound this morning to measure my ovaries post-IUI. Judging by the reactions of the nurses, they are plenty large (I didn't ask for exact size, and I wasn't told). The right is much bigger than the left, which lines up with how I've been feeling. (I suspect a cyst, since I had them with every previous medicated IUI.) No need for the HCG booster shot, and I have instructions to call if I feel any severe pain. For now, me and my progesterone suppositories keep trucking along for the remaining week and a half until the blood test that reveals all. Amazingly, I don't feel any real anxiety or impatience as I wait to find out whether this IUI worked or not; I thank God for his Spirit's work in my heart to that end!
4.16.2008
Best! Tank Tops! Ever!
So I thought I'd get in on a little Works-for-Me-Wednesday action this week. What is Works-for-Me-Wednesday, you ask? You can find out here.
Last night at our small group meeting, the gals discussed the topic of modesty. (We based our discussion on this message, in case you're curious.) Now, modesty is a matter of the heart more than anything else, but it is also a very practical issue. As we were talking about the specifics of appropriate appearance, I mentioned these tank tops. I have three of them (white, black, and brown), and I probably wear them five days out of every week. They are perfect for layering; they're long (even on a 5'10" girl like me!), and the neckline is just right, not to low, not to high. Now that the weather is finally starting to warm up, they're also great to wear alone. The fabric is light-weight enough to be comfortable, but not so thin that you need yet another layer underneath the tank. (Because, really, who wants to layer up on a hot summer day?) The tanks are form fitting enough to look feminine, but they aren't too snug. So there you have it, ode on a tank top.How about you? What item of clothing can't you live without?
4.14.2008
IUI Report
Everything pretty much worked out for the IUI this past weekend. My appointment on Thursday morning showed a number of growing follicles - one 15mm, one 14mm, three 13mm, and one 12mm. My estrogen levels had risen to 673, just over triple my previous levels from Tuesday. I knew from the size of the follicles that I wasn't quite ready to trigger yet, and I suspected that Dr. Owlish would want me to come in again on Friday. So before I received my instructions, I went ahead and made a preemptive phone call to the clinic to say that I would be attending my grandpa's funeral on Friday and would be unable to make any appointments that day. The nurse who called back reported that they could work around my schedule and gave me instructions to take a lower dose of Follistim that night, to trigger Friday morning, and to schedule an IUI for Saturday morning. I had a few questions about the protocol (why was I triggering in the morning if I should have had a monitoring appointment that day? why was the IUI only 24 hours after the trigger shot rather than the usual 36?), but after playing phone tag for the whole afternoon, I gave up and decided to just follow orders without getting more information. The HCG shot was not too hard to mix up and take, although I did have a reaction at the injection sight (a quarter-sized red welt) and I felt some unpleasant side-effects for a couple days (slight queasiness, tenderness, etc.). The nurse said that next time, if there is a next time, we can dilute the shot more. The IUI itself was a piece of cake. Since this clinic is so close to our apartment, we could relax at home instead of killing time in the waiting area between dropping of the sperm to be washed and the actual procedure. The nurse who performed the IUI was very gentle; I didn't have any cramping when she inserted the catheter. Then, she actually let Aaron push the plunger to send the sperm on through to the uterus; that was a little strange but also made the whole thing feel a bit more personal and less clinical. (The first word that came to my mind for that sentence was "sterile" instead of "clinical" - but it seems somehow wrong to use that word when describing our attempts to overcome infertility!) So now we're in the waiting stage. I only have one check-up between now and the pregnancy test at the end of the month. With everything surrounding my grandfather's death and funeral (which I'll write more about later), I haven't taken much time to think about the IUI or look ahead to what the results might be. I am asking that this will be the time when the Lord removes the thorn of infertility from us, but for the sake of Christ I am content with these hardships for now.
P.S. Thank you to all of the family members we saw over the weekend who expressed that you are praying for us to have children; it means more than you know to be so surrounded by support.
P.S. Thank you to all of the family members we saw over the weekend who expressed that you are praying for us to have children; it means more than you know to be so surrounded by support.
4.09.2008
Quick Update on the Funeral and the IUI
It looks like the potential conflict between the funeral and the IUI has been avoided. My grandpa's funeral will be Friday morning. My next monitoring appointment is tomorrow morning, so even if Dr. Owlish instructs me to trigger tomorrow evening, Saturday would be the soonest we would do the IUI. I guess it's still possible that I would have a monitoring appointment on Friday morning, but I'm not going to worry about that yet. I'm grateful for how it all seems to be working out so far.
Right now, life is in upheaval as we rearrange things in order to attend the funeral. A few weeks ago, I had agreed to watch my nephews and niece for the day tomorrow while my sister-in-law travels and brother-in-law works. So today is my last day of work for the week, which means I'm trying to cram three days worth of tasks into one. We'll try to meet my family for dinner tonight, and then we'll pack. Tomorrow will consist of a lot of juggling, in order to get Aaron's sister to the airport, me to my appointment, our nephews to and from kindergarten and preschool, and ourselves on the road to Michigan as soon as we can after handing the kids back over to my brother-in-law. It's quite hectic, but I'm trying to remember that Christ is in loving control of all these things.
Please continue to pray for safe travel and for the IUI scheduling and all these other tasks not to interfere with the time to be with family and remember my grandfather.
Right now, life is in upheaval as we rearrange things in order to attend the funeral. A few weeks ago, I had agreed to watch my nephews and niece for the day tomorrow while my sister-in-law travels and brother-in-law works. So today is my last day of work for the week, which means I'm trying to cram three days worth of tasks into one. We'll try to meet my family for dinner tonight, and then we'll pack. Tomorrow will consist of a lot of juggling, in order to get Aaron's sister to the airport, me to my appointment, our nephews to and from kindergarten and preschool, and ourselves on the road to Michigan as soon as we can after handing the kids back over to my brother-in-law. It's quite hectic, but I'm trying to remember that Christ is in loving control of all these things.
Please continue to pray for safe travel and for the IUI scheduling and all these other tasks not to interfere with the time to be with family and remember my grandfather.
4.08.2008
At the Intersection of Death and Life
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die... (Eccles. 3:1-2)
My grandfather died today. His death was not unexpected; he was in his late nineties, and he has suffered several strokes in recent years. He had another stroke yesterday, and he passed away this morning. The funeral will be either Friday or Saturday. My dad, mom, and brother fly into Chicago tomorrow, and they'll drive from here up to Michigan, where most of my dad's family live. Aaron and I hope to join them there over the weekend.
However, it's possible that the IUI will be scheduled for the weekend. At my appointment this morning, I had three dominant follicles measuring at 12, 11, and 10 mm, plus a few smaller ones. I'm still waiting for further instructions, but my guess is that I will stim for a few more days and then trigger (usually done when the dominant follicle is between 17 and 20 mm). If the IUI and the funeral end up scheduled for the same day, we'll probably have to choose between them. My mom says that we should opt to do the IUI rather than canceling the cycle, if that ends up being the case, but we're not so sure. I don't know yet what my dad would prefer. It seems so bizarre that we might have to decide either to honor a life that has ended or to take a chance of bringing a new life into the world, but we're trusting God's sovereignty in these matters.
We'd appreciate your prayers, for all of the details related to the funeral and the IUI, for safety for my family as they travel, and for the comfort of Christ in this time of loss.
My grandfather died today. His death was not unexpected; he was in his late nineties, and he has suffered several strokes in recent years. He had another stroke yesterday, and he passed away this morning. The funeral will be either Friday or Saturday. My dad, mom, and brother fly into Chicago tomorrow, and they'll drive from here up to Michigan, where most of my dad's family live. Aaron and I hope to join them there over the weekend.
However, it's possible that the IUI will be scheduled for the weekend. At my appointment this morning, I had three dominant follicles measuring at 12, 11, and 10 mm, plus a few smaller ones. I'm still waiting for further instructions, but my guess is that I will stim for a few more days and then trigger (usually done when the dominant follicle is between 17 and 20 mm). If the IUI and the funeral end up scheduled for the same day, we'll probably have to choose between them. My mom says that we should opt to do the IUI rather than canceling the cycle, if that ends up being the case, but we're not so sure. I don't know yet what my dad would prefer. It seems so bizarre that we might have to decide either to honor a life that has ended or to take a chance of bringing a new life into the world, but we're trusting God's sovereignty in these matters.
We'd appreciate your prayers, for all of the details related to the funeral and the IUI, for safety for my family as they travel, and for the comfort of Christ in this time of loss.
4.04.2008
Ready, Set, Go!
The cycle for IUI #5 has officially begun. I visited the offices of Dr. Owlish for my first monitoring appointment this morning. According to the ultrasound gal, everything (antral follicles, uterine lining, etc.) looks "gorgeous." This afternoon, I retrieved my instructions from my clinic-assigned voicemail box (fancy!). I start with 100 units of Follistim tonight and keep that up until my next monitoring appointment on Tuesday. Let the fun begin! (That may sound strange, considering I'm referring to giving myself daily shots and pursuing procreation in a highly technical and medical manner, but after such a long break from treatments I feel almost giddy about proactively cycling again!)
4.02.2008
An Encouraging Reflection
Last night, we had a very encouraging care group meeting. We each answered the question, "How have you seen the Lord at work transforming your heart over the past nine or so months, and what means (circumstances, people, etc.) has he used to do so?" As I thought about how to best summarize the work God has done in me in the past year, these words from Isaiah 26:3 came to mind.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
I spent a lot of time last year seeking to stay my mind on the Lord by studying his character. (To direct my study, I used Bible Doctrine by Wayne Grudem and Knowing God by J.I. Packer - very helpful and inspiring materials!) Studying God's character developed a greater personal trust in him. As turbulent circumstances continued to unroll - failed IVFs, changing doctors and diagnoses, a wretched HSG, the laparoscopy, etc. - I experienced a degree of steadfast peace that persisted through everything. I still felt (and feel) sorrow, fear, anxiety, but confidence in the Lord's promised goodness predominates. When I receive bad news or encounter disappointment, my soul now rebounds to God's truth much quicker than it once did. By fixing my attention on the Savior, I find that gratitude for the gospel softens and sweetens any sharp pangs of affliction. This is all a work of God's grace! I can still hardly believe that satisfaction in Christ and ongoing infertility can coexist in my life. It's not perfect, of course, but peace is abidingly present.
How about you? How has the Lord done his transforming work in your heart in recent months?
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
I spent a lot of time last year seeking to stay my mind on the Lord by studying his character. (To direct my study, I used Bible Doctrine by Wayne Grudem and Knowing God by J.I. Packer - very helpful and inspiring materials!) Studying God's character developed a greater personal trust in him. As turbulent circumstances continued to unroll - failed IVFs, changing doctors and diagnoses, a wretched HSG, the laparoscopy, etc. - I experienced a degree of steadfast peace that persisted through everything. I still felt (and feel) sorrow, fear, anxiety, but confidence in the Lord's promised goodness predominates. When I receive bad news or encounter disappointment, my soul now rebounds to God's truth much quicker than it once did. By fixing my attention on the Savior, I find that gratitude for the gospel softens and sweetens any sharp pangs of affliction. This is all a work of God's grace! I can still hardly believe that satisfaction in Christ and ongoing infertility can coexist in my life. It's not perfect, of course, but peace is abidingly present.
How about you? How has the Lord done his transforming work in your heart in recent months?
3.31.2008
Hardly Different
Today I visited the offices of Dr. Owlish for a lesson in injections, in preparation for the upcoming IUI cycle. If I had know that I would be watching the same instructional video that I saw back in November of '06 (thanks, handy timeline!), I would have brought popcorn to lessen the boredom a bit. Film-making doesn't really qualify as one of the strengths of the fertility pharmaceutical industry. When I met with the nurse afterwards, I declined her offer to go over all the Follistim instructions again. After three IUIs and two IVFs with the stuff, I think I'm familiar enough with the process. What is new for this IUI is that I will be mixing up my own HCG injection. At my previous clinic, the trigger shot prescribed came in the form of a pre-filled syringe. The prescription sent from Dr. Owlish's office includes two vials - one of powdered drug, one of fancy medical-grade water - and two needles - one to mix the contents of the two vials and draw up the combined HCG concoction, and one to administer the injection. This is definitely the next step in my career as a professional self-shooter-upper. Another interesting difference in protocol between the old clinic and the new is that a few days after the IUI, I'll have an ultrasound to check my ovary size. If the ovaries don't measure up, I'll take an HCG booster shot (half the dose of the trigger) in order to notch progesterone production up. Who knew that there is a direct correlation between ovary size and progesterone levels? Other than that, IUI #5 shouldn't vary too much from IUIs #1-4 - except, very hopefully, in the end result. Right now, I'm just waiting for my next cycle to start, so we can start trying again for the first time in a while.
3.28.2008
Upon Review, I Should Have Found a Synonym for Confident that Begins with the Letter "D"
Anti-climactic. Brief. Confusing. Confident. All those words describe Wednesday's post-op appointment with Dr. Owlish.
Anti-climactic because I had already received a call from the pharmacy last week about filling my prescriptions for an IUI with injectable meds. Follistim - check! Novarel - check! An astonishing 63 progesterone suppositories - check! Since the progesterone supplementation will only be required for either the two weeks between IUI and beta (quantitative pregnancy test via bloodwork, for all you fertile laypeople out there) OR for approximately the first trimester of a pregnancy, I can only conclude that Dr. Owlish is supremely optimistic or that I will be using an uncomfortable quantity of suppositories for the two-week-wait. Anyway, the premature pharmacy call told me pretty much all I need to know about the treatment plan now to follow the laparoscopy.
Brief because I waited about an hour for about a 10-15 minute meeting with Dr. Owlish. He must have had a crazy day, evidenced by an untidily askew tie and a demeanor almost opposite of his usual leisurely, let-me-thoughtfully-and-sympathetically-answer-all-your-questions manner. In other words, he seemed rushed and we didn't talk for very long.
Confusing because he blithely brushed past the matter of my bent fallopian tube ("It was clear. HSGs can be faulty.") and instead dwelled on the biopsy of my bellybutton mole (of all things!) ("Not cancerous.") and of the pelvic tissue ("Stage I endometriosis. We got it all out."). There I sat, prepared with all kinds of now moot questions about my tube. The few questions I scrambled up about the endometriosis diagnosis met with limited answers. "It was in my pelvis?" (As in, that's a rather unspecified location, doc; what organs was it on?) "Yeah, your pelvis." "Oh. Okay." Now that I've had three different (and two faulty) diagnoses for our infertility, I feel a bit uncertain and wary.
Confident - that adjective belongs to Dr. Owlish. I continued probing about the endometriosis. "Will it come back?" "Yes, but not for a year, and we're going to get you pregnant before then." Dr. Owlish is supremely certain that I will be pregnant very soon. Which is kind of reassuring, but kind of makes me want to mitigate his assurance by abandoning any optimism I have for an opposing, negative realism. But all in all, I'm glad Dr. Owlish is so determined on our behalf.
I do still have hope that we will conceive soon. If that hope is a full balloon, this appointment let a bit of air out, but the balloon is still inflated and floating. I'm praying for good things and seeking to keep my confidence in the Lord.
Anti-climactic because I had already received a call from the pharmacy last week about filling my prescriptions for an IUI with injectable meds. Follistim - check! Novarel - check! An astonishing 63 progesterone suppositories - check! Since the progesterone supplementation will only be required for either the two weeks between IUI and beta (quantitative pregnancy test via bloodwork, for all you fertile laypeople out there) OR for approximately the first trimester of a pregnancy, I can only conclude that Dr. Owlish is supremely optimistic or that I will be using an uncomfortable quantity of suppositories for the two-week-wait. Anyway, the premature pharmacy call told me pretty much all I need to know about the treatment plan now to follow the laparoscopy.
Brief because I waited about an hour for about a 10-15 minute meeting with Dr. Owlish. He must have had a crazy day, evidenced by an untidily askew tie and a demeanor almost opposite of his usual leisurely, let-me-thoughtfully-and-sympathetically-answer-all-your-questions manner. In other words, he seemed rushed and we didn't talk for very long.
Confusing because he blithely brushed past the matter of my bent fallopian tube ("It was clear. HSGs can be faulty.") and instead dwelled on the biopsy of my bellybutton mole (of all things!) ("Not cancerous.") and of the pelvic tissue ("Stage I endometriosis. We got it all out."). There I sat, prepared with all kinds of now moot questions about my tube. The few questions I scrambled up about the endometriosis diagnosis met with limited answers. "It was in my pelvis?" (As in, that's a rather unspecified location, doc; what organs was it on?) "Yeah, your pelvis." "Oh. Okay." Now that I've had three different (and two faulty) diagnoses for our infertility, I feel a bit uncertain and wary.
Confident - that adjective belongs to Dr. Owlish. I continued probing about the endometriosis. "Will it come back?" "Yes, but not for a year, and we're going to get you pregnant before then." Dr. Owlish is supremely certain that I will be pregnant very soon. Which is kind of reassuring, but kind of makes me want to mitigate his assurance by abandoning any optimism I have for an opposing, negative realism. But all in all, I'm glad Dr. Owlish is so determined on our behalf.
I do still have hope that we will conceive soon. If that hope is a full balloon, this appointment let a bit of air out, but the balloon is still inflated and floating. I'm praying for good things and seeking to keep my confidence in the Lord.
3.27.2008
I'm Too Tired to Think of a Title, Too (But Look! Alliteration!)
Guess what I did last night? I'll give you a hint. It has to do with #2 on this list. I did have a nice salad for dinner, so by using the process of elimination you'll understand why I am taking myself directly to bed (without a book!) and postponing the update I want to write about my post-op appointment.
P.S. If you're looking for some reading material to while away the wee hours of the morning, I recommend Dorothy Dunnett.
P.S. If you're looking for some reading material to while away the wee hours of the morning, I recommend Dorothy Dunnett.
3.25.2008
Infertility Timeline
I've added an infertility timeline in the left sidebar, below the blogroll. I thought it would be helpful for any newer visitors to my site who want a quick snapshot of my history of diagnosis and treatment. At the bottom of the timeline, I've noted what and when my next step will be. I get that question a lot, so I thought that would make a helpful reference. I'll try to keep it updated regularly.
When putting the timeline together, I discovered that I had completely forgotten about one of our IUIs! I had been thinking (and telling people) that we did three, two with Clomid and one with a combination of Clomid and Follistim. But we actually did a fourth with Follistim alone. I think I forgot about it because we were already gearing up for our first IVF at that point, doing tons of research and having lots of conversations about whether that was a step we wanted to take or not. Still, how strange to have almost no memory of an entire course of our infertility treatment! If nothing else, at least documenting the timeline restored that part of our story to my mind.
Now, I need your opinion. Do you like the placement of the timeline, or would you rather have it above the blogroll? And do you like it ordered from oldest to most recent events, or would you prefer the order reversed so the next step is at the top of the list?
When putting the timeline together, I discovered that I had completely forgotten about one of our IUIs! I had been thinking (and telling people) that we did three, two with Clomid and one with a combination of Clomid and Follistim. But we actually did a fourth with Follistim alone. I think I forgot about it because we were already gearing up for our first IVF at that point, doing tons of research and having lots of conversations about whether that was a step we wanted to take or not. Still, how strange to have almost no memory of an entire course of our infertility treatment! If nothing else, at least documenting the timeline restored that part of our story to my mind.
Now, I need your opinion. Do you like the placement of the timeline, or would you rather have it above the blogroll? And do you like it ordered from oldest to most recent events, or would you prefer the order reversed so the next step is at the top of the list?
3.21.2008
The Icing on the (1)__________
One (2)________ February evening, Aaron and Andrea headed out to get together with friends for a (3)____________. Andrea had baked a (4)____________ Bundt cake to bring. When removed from the baking pan, the top of the cake (5)______ a little bit, so Andrea decided to whip up a (6)_________________ to smear over it and cover up the cracks. She (7)_______ carried her fresh, frosted cake on a (8)_____ as they left the apartment. When they reached the steps outside the front door, Aaron exclaimed, "(9)___________! The steps are icy." Too late. Andrea, wearing very cute (10)_____________-polka-dotted ballet flats with absolutely no traction, slipped dramatically. Her (11)____ flew out from under her, her (12)_______ hit the stairs, while her (13)______ still tightly gripped the plate. The cake soared into the air, (14)_________ and landing on the (15)________ at about the same time as Andrea did. She had frosting on her nose, chin, (16)_____, ____, and _______. Unsure whether to (17)______ or cry, she sat on the ground while her husband (18)________ in astonished sympathy. They (19)________ what they could of the cake and left the rest for the rabbits and squirrels. They returned to the apartment, tracking buttercream through the (20)____, so that Andrea could clean up and change. When she saw herself in the mirror, she almost asked her husband to take a (21)________. He had a similar thought, but couldn't find the (22)_______. They both agreed that this event would make excellent fodder for the (23)_____! Once they finally made it to the party, the cake, though very (24)________, turned out to (25)_____ none the worse for its adventures.
(See my comment for the correct words to fill in each blank. See your own comments on the previous post for Mad Lib fun!)
(See my comment for the correct words to fill in each blank. See your own comments on the previous post for Mad Lib fun!)
3.20.2008
Mad Lib
I've crafted a Mad Lib out of something that happened to me last month. If you'd like to play along, leave your answers in the comments section before noon (CST) on Friday. (Or leave your answers whenever you like, just don't read Friday's post first!)
1. noun ____________________
2. adjective ____________________
3. event ____________________
4. flavor ____________________
5. verb (past tense) ____________________
6. food ____________________
7. adverb ____________________
8. noun ____________________
9. exclamation ____________________
10. 2 colors ____________________
11. body part ____________________
12. body part ____________________
13. body part ____________________
14. verb ending in -ing ____________________
15. noun ____________________
16. 3 items of clothing ____________________
17. verb ____________________
18. verb (past tense) ____________________
19. verb (past tense) ____________________
20. place ____________________
21. noun ____________________
22. noun ____________________
23. something you read ____________________
24. adverb ____________________
25. verb ____________________
1. noun ____________________
2. adjective ____________________
3. event ____________________
4. flavor ____________________
5. verb (past tense) ____________________
6. food ____________________
7. adverb ____________________
8. noun ____________________
9. exclamation ____________________
10. 2 colors ____________________
11. body part ____________________
12. body part ____________________
13. body part ____________________
14. verb ending in -ing ____________________
15. noun ____________________
16. 3 items of clothing ____________________
17. verb ____________________
18. verb (past tense) ____________________
19. verb (past tense) ____________________
20. place ____________________
21. noun ____________________
22. noun ____________________
23. something you read ____________________
24. adverb ____________________
25. verb ____________________
Clothing Giveaway
If you're interested, there's a contest over at Life More Abundantly to win a $50 gift certificate to online clothing retailer Christa-Taylor (who has also been featured on GirlTalk). Just leave a comment on this post to be entered to win. (Or don't, so I have less competition!)
3.19.2008
Infertility and Hospitality
An extension of my love for cooking is a joy in offering hospitality. There is a feast of pleasure in showing care to others by welcoming them into our home and nourishing them with food made by my hands. Gathering in a place of comfort, enjoying the gifts of flavor and sustenance, and sharing conversation, laughter and fellowship around a table together - these are gifts of grace.
And infertility has partially robbed me of the chance to offer and enjoy those gifts. It is a strange plundering. Who would think that the inability to conceive would result in the lack of opportunities to show hospitality? A minor grievance, to be sure, but I do miss - sometimes with poignant pangs - the simple joy of having friends over for a meal. You see, because we don't have children, we are the mobile, flexible ones. That means that when we have dinner with friends, we go to them. I honestly can't remember the last time we had a married couple or family to our home for a meal. We've invited, but the invitation always ends up getting turned around for reasons of infant sleep habits or babysitting or something along those lines. And I understand; really, I do. I don't mean this as an indictment of any of our friends with children. It truly does make more sense, when we spend time together with other couples, for us to go to their homes and so prevent a lot of hassle. But every time we drive to have dinner with our married friends, I feel a tiny sorrow over yet one more loss inflicted by infertility.
Hospitality is service. I don't want to have people come to our home so that I can impress or entertain them; that's stressful, not fun. The joy of hospitality comes in using skills and gifts to serve our friends. What serves our friends most now is not to have them in our home, but for us to go to them with the flexibility that we didn't choose but nevertheless have in our childless state. The best way, it seems, for me to exercise hospitality currently is to get out of the house.
And infertility has partially robbed me of the chance to offer and enjoy those gifts. It is a strange plundering. Who would think that the inability to conceive would result in the lack of opportunities to show hospitality? A minor grievance, to be sure, but I do miss - sometimes with poignant pangs - the simple joy of having friends over for a meal. You see, because we don't have children, we are the mobile, flexible ones. That means that when we have dinner with friends, we go to them. I honestly can't remember the last time we had a married couple or family to our home for a meal. We've invited, but the invitation always ends up getting turned around for reasons of infant sleep habits or babysitting or something along those lines. And I understand; really, I do. I don't mean this as an indictment of any of our friends with children. It truly does make more sense, when we spend time together with other couples, for us to go to their homes and so prevent a lot of hassle. But every time we drive to have dinner with our married friends, I feel a tiny sorrow over yet one more loss inflicted by infertility.
Hospitality is service. I don't want to have people come to our home so that I can impress or entertain them; that's stressful, not fun. The joy of hospitality comes in using skills and gifts to serve our friends. What serves our friends most now is not to have them in our home, but for us to go to them with the flexibility that we didn't choose but nevertheless have in our childless state. The best way, it seems, for me to exercise hospitality currently is to get out of the house.
3.13.2008
Mix & Match Quiche
This simple quiche recipe allows me to make a quick dinner with whatever ingredients I have on hand. I usually pair it with a simple salad, or fruit, or cooked broccoli or carrots.
Basic Ingredients
3 large eggs
1/2 cup heavy cream*
1 prepared pie crust
approx. 1/2 cup cheese, crumbled or grated
1/4 cup diced onion (white, red, or green)
1/4-1/2 cup meat, cooked & cut into small pieces
salt, pepper, and other seasonings to taste
Preheat oven to 375F. Place pie crust in a 9" pie pan. Whisk eggs with cream; season to taste. Place cheese, onions, and meat in pie shell. Pour egg mixture over top. Fold and pinch edges of pie crust. Bake 25-30 minutes, or until quiche is firm and golden and crust is lightly browned. Slice and serve.
I pretty much always cook and crumble bacon for the meat, but diced ham or sausage or even torn deli meats would work well. You could also add veggies like diced bell pepper, broccoli, or spinach. Two of my favorite combinations are (1) blue cheese, bacon, and green onion; and (2) fresh grated cheddar (the sharper the better!), bacon, white onion, a sprinkling of tarragon, and a dash of nutmeg. (If I use a pungent cheese like blue cheese, I only use about 1/4 cup and I don't add any extra seasoning - not even salt or pepper.) Experiment and enjoy!
*Half & half works fine, too. If you want to use regular milk, I would use an extra egg so that the consistency of the egg mixture is thick enough.
Basic Ingredients
3 large eggs
1/2 cup heavy cream*
1 prepared pie crust
approx. 1/2 cup cheese, crumbled or grated
1/4 cup diced onion (white, red, or green)
1/4-1/2 cup meat, cooked & cut into small pieces
salt, pepper, and other seasonings to taste
Preheat oven to 375F. Place pie crust in a 9" pie pan. Whisk eggs with cream; season to taste. Place cheese, onions, and meat in pie shell. Pour egg mixture over top. Fold and pinch edges of pie crust. Bake 25-30 minutes, or until quiche is firm and golden and crust is lightly browned. Slice and serve.
I pretty much always cook and crumble bacon for the meat, but diced ham or sausage or even torn deli meats would work well. You could also add veggies like diced bell pepper, broccoli, or spinach. Two of my favorite combinations are (1) blue cheese, bacon, and green onion; and (2) fresh grated cheddar (the sharper the better!), bacon, white onion, a sprinkling of tarragon, and a dash of nutmeg. (If I use a pungent cheese like blue cheese, I only use about 1/4 cup and I don't add any extra seasoning - not even salt or pepper.) Experiment and enjoy!
*Half & half works fine, too. If you want to use regular milk, I would use an extra egg so that the consistency of the egg mixture is thick enough.
3.12.2008
Pork Tenderloin with Onions
My brother is visiting for a week, which means I have a sous chef! We both really enjoy cooking, so we're entertaining ourselves by trying out some new recipes together. In light of these activities (and the fact that having company doesn't leave a whole lot of time for creative blogging thought), I'll try to post a few recipes this week. This pork tenderloin recipe is one I've been meaning to post for months; it's a delicious favorite of ours.
Pork Tenderloin with Onions (serves 4-6)
3 tbsp melted butter, divided*
1 tbsp olive oil
3 garlic cloves, minced (or crushed through a garlic press)
1 1/2 tsp dried thyme
salt & pepper
2 small red onions, cut lengthwise into 1/2" slices (2 cups)
2 pork tenderloins (about 1 lb each)
2 tsp flour
1/4 cup light-colored, flavorful liquid (I use anything from chicken broth to white wine, depending on what I have on hand; I've even used Marsala)
3/4 cup water
Preheat oven to 450F. In a small bowl, stir together 1 tbsp butter, oil, garlic, thyme, 1 tsp salt & 1/4 tsp pepper. In a roasting pan, toss onions w/ half the butter mixture; push to sides, place pork in center. Rub remaining butter mixture over pork. Roast 20** minutes. Heat broiler; set rack 4" from heat. Broil 10 minutes, or until pork registers 155F on an instant-read thermometer. Remove pork from pan. Whisk flour & 2 tbsp butter in a small bowl; set aside. Place roasting pan w/ onions on stove over medium-high heat. Add water; bring to a boil, stirring to deglaze the pan. Add broth/wine & flour mixture. Cook sauce, stirring, until slightly thickened, 3-5 minutes. Slice pork, and spoon sauce on top.
*I've substituted olive oil for all of the butter, and that works just fine.
**The original recipe only called for 10 minutes, but I found I needed to double the time for my oven.
Pork Tenderloin with Onions (serves 4-6)
3 tbsp melted butter, divided*
1 tbsp olive oil
3 garlic cloves, minced (or crushed through a garlic press)
1 1/2 tsp dried thyme
salt & pepper
2 small red onions, cut lengthwise into 1/2" slices (2 cups)
2 pork tenderloins (about 1 lb each)
2 tsp flour
1/4 cup light-colored, flavorful liquid (I use anything from chicken broth to white wine, depending on what I have on hand; I've even used Marsala)
3/4 cup water
Preheat oven to 450F. In a small bowl, stir together 1 tbsp butter, oil, garlic, thyme, 1 tsp salt & 1/4 tsp pepper. In a roasting pan, toss onions w/ half the butter mixture; push to sides, place pork in center. Rub remaining butter mixture over pork. Roast 20** minutes. Heat broiler; set rack 4" from heat. Broil 10 minutes, or until pork registers 155F on an instant-read thermometer. Remove pork from pan. Whisk flour & 2 tbsp butter in a small bowl; set aside. Place roasting pan w/ onions on stove over medium-high heat. Add water; bring to a boil, stirring to deglaze the pan. Add broth/wine & flour mixture. Cook sauce, stirring, until slightly thickened, 3-5 minutes. Slice pork, and spoon sauce on top.
*I've substituted olive oil for all of the butter, and that works just fine.
**The original recipe only called for 10 minutes, but I found I needed to double the time for my oven.
3.10.2008
Redux: Fighting Self-Pity
Yesterday, I talked with a friend about the temptation to self-pity. After that conversation, I went back to read an old post. Remember how much this had helped me, I thought it would be worthwhile to re-post.
*************************************************************
In D.A. Carson's commentary on 1 Kings 19 in For the Love of God Vol. 1, he examines some of the ways that Elijah gives into "the despair of unfulfilled expectations." As I read that this week, I found myself really resonating with Carson's description of Elijah. Though I am not particularly tempted at this very moment, self-pity has called like a siren during this extended season of unfulfilled expectations, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. I have adapted some of Carson's thoughts into a plan to fight against self-pity.
1) Be honest about the facts (don't exaggerate). I give into self-pity when I only focus on a momentary trouble and magnify how bad it is, rather than acknowledging that there are blessings in my life as well as trials. For example, when I found out about our need to do IUI or about the cyst, my first reaction was, "Everything that can go wrong does!" While both of those were truly disappointing setbacks, my response exaggerated the problem and overlooked the many positives in our battle against infertility (only facing one hormonal problem, great doctor & nurses, excellent insurance, good response to medication, etc.). Not only that, my response overlooked the big picture of my salvation and sanctification.
2) Don't judge the hearts of others. Self-pity not only affects me, it affects how I view others. I feed my self-pity by thinking, "No one else cares. No one else understands. No one else realizes how hard this is for me." In reality, I am surrounded by people who care, who want to offer comfort, who want to help me escape from sin and trust God through this trial. I do a great disservice to those people when I judge them out of my self-pity.
3) Remember God's promises. In the throes of self-pity, my circumstances and emotions seem so much more real and true than God's word. But I can nip self-pity in the bud by having faith that God's promises (to be faithful, to do good, to sanctify me, to bless me) are true even when I cannot see them or feel them.
4) Remember that God will not always work in the obvious way I want him to. I have great ideas about how God should work - he should end this trial by letting us conceive a healthy baby! I've learned all my lessons, right? He'll get glory by answering my prayers as soon as possible, right? Seems like a good idea to me... But when I think I know best how God should work in my life, I am easily tempted to self-pity when God does not work how I expect. I need to trust that his ways are higher than mine.
5) Find others to carry part of your burden. When I give into self-pity, I tend to isolate myself. Then, it becomes that much easier to exaggerate how bad my circumstances are, to judge others as uncaring, to ignore God's promises, and to complain about God not working how I want. When I am the only human audience for these thoughts, they start to dig in deep. But if I open up to others - my husband first, and then other friends - my sin is exposed and can be addressed and corrected, my despair is lessened as others help me, and I am pointed back to my loving and trustworthy God.
I think if I can even remember one of these things when I am tempted, it would throw a big wrench into the cogs of self-pity. By the Spirit's help, I hope to be able to capture self-pitying thoughts more and more quickly as time goes on. May he "fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified" (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)!
(originally posted on 8.18.2006)
*************************************************************
In D.A. Carson's commentary on 1 Kings 19 in For the Love of God Vol. 1, he examines some of the ways that Elijah gives into "the despair of unfulfilled expectations." As I read that this week, I found myself really resonating with Carson's description of Elijah. Though I am not particularly tempted at this very moment, self-pity has called like a siren during this extended season of unfulfilled expectations, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. I have adapted some of Carson's thoughts into a plan to fight against self-pity.
1) Be honest about the facts (don't exaggerate). I give into self-pity when I only focus on a momentary trouble and magnify how bad it is, rather than acknowledging that there are blessings in my life as well as trials. For example, when I found out about our need to do IUI or about the cyst, my first reaction was, "Everything that can go wrong does!" While both of those were truly disappointing setbacks, my response exaggerated the problem and overlooked the many positives in our battle against infertility (only facing one hormonal problem, great doctor & nurses, excellent insurance, good response to medication, etc.). Not only that, my response overlooked the big picture of my salvation and sanctification.
2) Don't judge the hearts of others. Self-pity not only affects me, it affects how I view others. I feed my self-pity by thinking, "No one else cares. No one else understands. No one else realizes how hard this is for me." In reality, I am surrounded by people who care, who want to offer comfort, who want to help me escape from sin and trust God through this trial. I do a great disservice to those people when I judge them out of my self-pity.
3) Remember God's promises. In the throes of self-pity, my circumstances and emotions seem so much more real and true than God's word. But I can nip self-pity in the bud by having faith that God's promises (to be faithful, to do good, to sanctify me, to bless me) are true even when I cannot see them or feel them.
4) Remember that God will not always work in the obvious way I want him to. I have great ideas about how God should work - he should end this trial by letting us conceive a healthy baby! I've learned all my lessons, right? He'll get glory by answering my prayers as soon as possible, right? Seems like a good idea to me... But when I think I know best how God should work in my life, I am easily tempted to self-pity when God does not work how I expect. I need to trust that his ways are higher than mine.
5) Find others to carry part of your burden. When I give into self-pity, I tend to isolate myself. Then, it becomes that much easier to exaggerate how bad my circumstances are, to judge others as uncaring, to ignore God's promises, and to complain about God not working how I want. When I am the only human audience for these thoughts, they start to dig in deep. But if I open up to others - my husband first, and then other friends - my sin is exposed and can be addressed and corrected, my despair is lessened as others help me, and I am pointed back to my loving and trustworthy God.
I think if I can even remember one of these things when I am tempted, it would throw a big wrench into the cogs of self-pity. By the Spirit's help, I hope to be able to capture self-pitying thoughts more and more quickly as time goes on. May he "fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified" (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)!
(originally posted on 8.18.2006)
3.06.2008
Blueberries for Hope
Many infertile women have a box. Or a drawer. A shelf. A room. A place where they have stored up a collection of items for that longed-for baby. Outfits. Blankets. Books. The collection and the place where it's stored can be a symbol of hope or a painful, tangible reminder of misplaced dreams. I don't have that collection or that place. I think it's partially due to a streak of Dutch practicality - why would I waste money on something that isn't a reality? And I think it's a form of self-protection - there are enough reminders in the world of my childless state, so why willfully inflict additional pain on myself? So I don't own anything* for my future children, and I'm content with that.
That is, I didn't own anything for future children, until yesterday. Yesterday, when my sweet husband came home from a brief business trip with a gift to represent our newfound optimism. He bought me a children's book, Blueberries for Sal, which he said he hopes will be the start of a collection. I hope so, too.
For the record, if I were to make a similar gesture to him, I would give him this. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from ordering it as soon as I saw it is that same Dutch practicality which whispered, "Yes, you're confident you'll be parents someday, somehow, but what if you adopt a two-year-old too big for this to fit?" But I regularly check to make sure the item is still there, on sale, waiting for the right time to purchase it. (Lord, please let it be soon!)
*Unless you count the box in storage that contains gifts that each of our mothers presented on our wedding day: one (1) pair ducky baby booties and the supplies to create one (1) ducky bathroom. I told you they were obsessed with giving us duck stuff. (We love you, moms! We just like joking about the duck stuff!)
That is, I didn't own anything for future children, until yesterday. Yesterday, when my sweet husband came home from a brief business trip with a gift to represent our newfound optimism. He bought me a children's book, Blueberries for Sal, which he said he hopes will be the start of a collection. I hope so, too.
For the record, if I were to make a similar gesture to him, I would give him this. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from ordering it as soon as I saw it is that same Dutch practicality which whispered, "Yes, you're confident you'll be parents someday, somehow, but what if you adopt a two-year-old too big for this to fit?" But I regularly check to make sure the item is still there, on sale, waiting for the right time to purchase it. (Lord, please let it be soon!)
*Unless you count the box in storage that contains gifts that each of our mothers presented on our wedding day: one (1) pair ducky baby booties and the supplies to create one (1) ducky bathroom. I told you they were obsessed with giving us duck stuff. (We love you, moms! We just like joking about the duck stuff!)
3.05.2008
Hope Quotes
While preparing my heart for the laparoscopy (from which I really did not expect good results), I listened to a message by Janis Shank entitled "Hope Is a Verb: Biblical Hope" (HT GirlTalk). I highly recommend this outstanding message on the life of Sarah, which offers weapons to battle fear and wisdom to refocus our hope on God's purposes. Janis also littered the message with high-impact quotes. Here are a few favorites:
"To hope means to look forward expectantly for God's future activity. The ground of hope is God's past activity in Jesus Christ, who points the way to God's purposes for his creation." New Dictionary of Theology
"In the case of every child of God, calamity never comes alone; it invariably brings Jesus with it." Octavius Winslow
"Has your wishful hope been converted at the foot of the cross to true hope?" Elisabeth Elliot
My laparoscopy brought Jesus with it. It also brought good news, so that my temptation to fear has been replaced with a temptation to rely on the wishful hope of getting pregnant soon. I want that wish to become reality, but I want to keep my true hope grounded in God's past activity in Jesus Christ.
"To hope means to look forward expectantly for God's future activity. The ground of hope is God's past activity in Jesus Christ, who points the way to God's purposes for his creation." New Dictionary of Theology
"In the case of every child of God, calamity never comes alone; it invariably brings Jesus with it." Octavius Winslow
"Has your wishful hope been converted at the foot of the cross to true hope?" Elisabeth Elliot
My laparoscopy brought Jesus with it. It also brought good news, so that my temptation to fear has been replaced with a temptation to rely on the wishful hope of getting pregnant soon. I want that wish to become reality, but I want to keep my true hope grounded in God's past activity in Jesus Christ.
3.04.2008
I Am a Delicate Flower
Recovery has progressed quite well so far. I haven't needed the pain medications at all since the day of the laparoscopy (which seems like such a waste of a powerful prescription!). The shoulder soreness has eased up some, to the point that I hardly needed to apply heat at all yesterday. So I attempted to return to work today. You know, my strenuous job as a church secretary. Which I do from home.
Y'all. (Weakness makes me feel all Southern-belle-like.)
Sitting upright at a desk is taxing stuff.
I worked for a total of three hours, catching up on e-mail and voicemail, and oh, the exhaustion! The achiness! The fresh (though slight and not worrisome) bleeding! I took due notice from my body and returned myself to reclining on the couch. And now I shall take a nap. Work can wait.
Y'all. (Weakness makes me feel all Southern-belle-like.)
Sitting upright at a desk is taxing stuff.
I worked for a total of three hours, catching up on e-mail and voicemail, and oh, the exhaustion! The achiness! The fresh (though slight and not worrisome) bleeding! I took due notice from my body and returned myself to reclining on the couch. And now I shall take a nap. Work can wait.
3.01.2008
The Only Thing Removed from My Body Was a Mole Deep in My Bellybutton
Happy results from the laparoscopy! My tube did not actually have any blockage due to scar tissue or damage or anything like that. It was obstructed because it had actually gotten tucked around my ovary somehow, so it had a kink in it kind of like if you bend a garden hose. So Dr. Owlish (I think I'm going to go with that; it was one vote behind in the poll, but I didn't get to vote, so my vote tips the scales) simply repositioned the tube to its proper place. He said that my uterus and my tubes all look really good, healthy and clear. He took a couple of tissue samples to send to the lab, but he said nothing seemed concerning. In his report to Aaron (which is where all this information comes from), Dr. Owlish said he felt very optimistic for us and thinks a couple of IUIs should "knock this out." We'll get more information at a post-op appointment in a couple weeks, and then we'll know how soon we can begin treatments.
As happy as the final news is, my experience of the day ran along fairly dismal lines, at least to start. I woke up with the beginnings of a bad headache, and I had no defenses against it - no water or anything allowed. It got pretty raging, to the point where it induced nausea (not pleasant when one doesn't have anything at all in one's stomach). All my attention was focused on my body, with little ability left to concentrate on the truth of God's nearness. Once we made it to the hospital and they hooked me up to an IV with liquids, the nausea subsided but the headache (caused by dehydration, I'm sure) remained. It was a tempting way to begin the day of the laparoscopy!
After all the pre-op preparations, I was wheeled back to the operating room. I remember having all sorts of monitors attached to me, having my arms stretched out to my sides, and then... nothing. The next I knew, I heard someone saying my name and telling me to take deep breaths. I think at that point I was being wheeled to the recovery area. My body was shaking uncontrollably; I wasn't cold, but I couldn't stop shivering. The nurse wrapped me with lots of warm blankets and added extra pain medication to my IV. I dozed off some, and the nurse kept checking on me. I think I spent about 30-45 minutes in anesthesia recovery, and then they brought me to a private recovery room where Aaron could join me. That was when I finally got the report on the laparoscopy findings. I felt pretty alert by then, and I was so grateful to hear happy news! My prayers for obviously good results were answered. We are rejoicing and thanking God.
Recovery is going fine so far. The headache was completely gone when I woke up from the anesthesia, so in many ways I felt better after the surgery than before it! My abdomen is a little achy but not bad when I am reclining (and I've got plenty of strong pain medication to take!). My shoulders feel fairly tight and sore, a result of the gas they filled the abdominal cavity with now rising to escape; heat helps, so Aaron is busy running the heat pack back and forth between me and the microwave. The pain medication makes me drowsy, so I'm getting plenty of rest. Most of all, I'm resting in God's favor and hoping for his future blessings.
As happy as the final news is, my experience of the day ran along fairly dismal lines, at least to start. I woke up with the beginnings of a bad headache, and I had no defenses against it - no water or anything allowed. It got pretty raging, to the point where it induced nausea (not pleasant when one doesn't have anything at all in one's stomach). All my attention was focused on my body, with little ability left to concentrate on the truth of God's nearness. Once we made it to the hospital and they hooked me up to an IV with liquids, the nausea subsided but the headache (caused by dehydration, I'm sure) remained. It was a tempting way to begin the day of the laparoscopy!
After all the pre-op preparations, I was wheeled back to the operating room. I remember having all sorts of monitors attached to me, having my arms stretched out to my sides, and then... nothing. The next I knew, I heard someone saying my name and telling me to take deep breaths. I think at that point I was being wheeled to the recovery area. My body was shaking uncontrollably; I wasn't cold, but I couldn't stop shivering. The nurse wrapped me with lots of warm blankets and added extra pain medication to my IV. I dozed off some, and the nurse kept checking on me. I think I spent about 30-45 minutes in anesthesia recovery, and then they brought me to a private recovery room where Aaron could join me. That was when I finally got the report on the laparoscopy findings. I felt pretty alert by then, and I was so grateful to hear happy news! My prayers for obviously good results were answered. We are rejoicing and thanking God.
Recovery is going fine so far. The headache was completely gone when I woke up from the anesthesia, so in many ways I felt better after the surgery than before it! My abdomen is a little achy but not bad when I am reclining (and I've got plenty of strong pain medication to take!). My shoulders feel fairly tight and sore, a result of the gas they filled the abdominal cavity with now rising to escape; heat helps, so Aaron is busy running the heat pack back and forth between me and the microwave. The pain medication makes me drowsy, so I'm getting plenty of rest. Most of all, I'm resting in God's favor and hoping for his future blessings.
2.28.2008
Tu-be or Not Tu-be
(Sorry, I couldn't think of anything better resist.)
It's laparoscopy eve, not-so-affectionately known as the day when I consume nothing but broth, juice, and sorbet. Oh, and an entire, undiluted bottle of citrate of magnesium later tonight. Blegh. I'm worn out, both from the lack of nourishment and from the business of getting work and home squared away before tomorrow. At this point, a day where I have to do nothing but succumb to anesthesia sounds pretty appealing. If it weren't for the fact that induced subconsciousness is tied to that pesky surgical procedure...
I've devoted serious effort this week to fighting my fears about the laparoscopy. Meditating on Psalm 23, Psalm 27, Isaiah 41, and Isaiah 43 has helped. The fear has subsided some as I rehearse the truth that God made me, and he is with me, holding my right hand, and that he will not let me come to ultimate harm. But I still worry about the potential negative implications of whatever the doctor might find while investigating this blocked fallopian tube. I want the laparoscopy to clear the way for us to conceive, not doom me to infertility that can't be overcome. My prayer is that the results of the laparoscopy would be tangibly beneficial - something I can embrace as good not just by faith but by sight.
I'm feeling awfully tired, so I'll wrap this up. For those who want the details, the laparoscopy is scheduled for noon. I've been told the procedure itself will take one to four hours, and then I'll be kept in the outpatient recovery area for another one to four hours. I should be home tomorrow evening, hopefully with two totally clear fallopian tubes. I don't know when I'll get around to posting an update, but I'll try to do so as soon as I feel up for it. Calls and e-mails are welcome, if you want an update sooner than I post. In the meantime, I am so grateful for all of your support - the prayers, the notes, the calls, the small gifts. I go to the hospital tomorrow knowing that all of you are metaphorically holding my hands, and that is a very comforting thought.
It's laparoscopy eve, not-so-affectionately known as the day when I consume nothing but broth, juice, and sorbet. Oh, and an entire, undiluted bottle of citrate of magnesium later tonight. Blegh. I'm worn out, both from the lack of nourishment and from the business of getting work and home squared away before tomorrow. At this point, a day where I have to do nothing but succumb to anesthesia sounds pretty appealing. If it weren't for the fact that induced subconsciousness is tied to that pesky surgical procedure...
I've devoted serious effort this week to fighting my fears about the laparoscopy. Meditating on Psalm 23, Psalm 27, Isaiah 41, and Isaiah 43 has helped. The fear has subsided some as I rehearse the truth that God made me, and he is with me, holding my right hand, and that he will not let me come to ultimate harm. But I still worry about the potential negative implications of whatever the doctor might find while investigating this blocked fallopian tube. I want the laparoscopy to clear the way for us to conceive, not doom me to infertility that can't be overcome. My prayer is that the results of the laparoscopy would be tangibly beneficial - something I can embrace as good not just by faith but by sight.
I'm feeling awfully tired, so I'll wrap this up. For those who want the details, the laparoscopy is scheduled for noon. I've been told the procedure itself will take one to four hours, and then I'll be kept in the outpatient recovery area for another one to four hours. I should be home tomorrow evening, hopefully with two totally clear fallopian tubes. I don't know when I'll get around to posting an update, but I'll try to do so as soon as I feel up for it. Calls and e-mails are welcome, if you want an update sooner than I post. In the meantime, I am so grateful for all of your support - the prayers, the notes, the calls, the small gifts. I go to the hospital tomorrow knowing that all of you are metaphorically holding my hands, and that is a very comforting thought.
2.27.2008
The Benefits of Practicing Spiritual Disciplines
(This is the last part of a talk I recently gave on how I practice the spiritual disciplines; read part one here and part two here.)
Let me say again that I am not trying to convince you that my practice of the spiritual disciplines is the best way. I don’t want anyone to think that God is impressed by the time that I spend reading his Word and praying. He isn’t! I am a justified sinner, and practice of the spiritual disciplines doesn’t alter that one jot. If Christ has redeemed you by his death on the cross, you have his righteousness complete and nothing can add to that – not even reading your Bible for hours on end. Practice of the spiritual disciplines is simply a way to draw near to the foot of the cross and to be refreshed in the grace of God. My particular practice of meditating on Scripture has benefited me in the following ways:
1) My mind is renewed first thing in the morning. Without preaching the gospel to my soul at the beginning of the day, I would live out that day as a functional unbeliever. I might not remember everything I read (in fact, I often have to look it up again when Aaron asks me about my quiet time!), but immersing my heart in God’s truth before I do anything else is a practical way to express my dependence on him and to prevent me from seeking do everything in my own (limited!) strength.
2) I am more likely to recall Scripture. Colossians 3:16 says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,” and that is just what daily meditation on God’s word does. By soaking my soul in Scripture, I have godly wisdom (rather than human wisdom) in my mind when I or someone else needs encouragement.
3) The Lord’s truth becomes more real than my feelings or circumstances. Sometimes – often even – my circumstances seem to say the exact opposite of God’s promises, and my emotions feel more vivid than the peace purchased for me on the cross. Daily meditation on God’s Word helps me to keep perspective and to affirm that he is sovereign and good and that his gospel is truer than anything I feel or experience.
4) God’s Word provides me with comfort and endurance for trial. Psalm 119 speaks over and over again about the relationship between affliction and delight in God’s Word. Suffering has driven me to the Lord in his Word, and in turn the Lord has sustained me through suffering by his Word. Even the most well-meaning words of comfort from friends often fall short, but meditating on Scripture has provided a balm for my troubled heart and patience to wait on the Lord.
5) Through daily practice of the spiritual disciplines, I find joy in the gospel. In God’s Word, I see over and over again my need for a Savior and God’s provision of a Savior. Over these past few years of devoting myself to meet with the Lord every morning, I have seen my gratitude for his great sacrifice increase.
I could say so much more, but I hope that I have been able to give you a taste of the satisfaction to be found in meeting with the Lord by daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. He has much grace for you, whether you are just starting to seek time with him or seeking to be more consistent in that time or wanting to get more of him out of the practice you already have in place. If you need to, find fellowship, make a plan, and ask God to make you more aware of your need for him. And above all, trust that the Savior will draw you to himself and give you joy, wisdom, and comfort from his gospel. He is faithful and he will do it!
Let me say again that I am not trying to convince you that my practice of the spiritual disciplines is the best way. I don’t want anyone to think that God is impressed by the time that I spend reading his Word and praying. He isn’t! I am a justified sinner, and practice of the spiritual disciplines doesn’t alter that one jot. If Christ has redeemed you by his death on the cross, you have his righteousness complete and nothing can add to that – not even reading your Bible for hours on end. Practice of the spiritual disciplines is simply a way to draw near to the foot of the cross and to be refreshed in the grace of God. My particular practice of meditating on Scripture has benefited me in the following ways:
1) My mind is renewed first thing in the morning. Without preaching the gospel to my soul at the beginning of the day, I would live out that day as a functional unbeliever. I might not remember everything I read (in fact, I often have to look it up again when Aaron asks me about my quiet time!), but immersing my heart in God’s truth before I do anything else is a practical way to express my dependence on him and to prevent me from seeking do everything in my own (limited!) strength.
2) I am more likely to recall Scripture. Colossians 3:16 says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,” and that is just what daily meditation on God’s word does. By soaking my soul in Scripture, I have godly wisdom (rather than human wisdom) in my mind when I or someone else needs encouragement.
3) The Lord’s truth becomes more real than my feelings or circumstances. Sometimes – often even – my circumstances seem to say the exact opposite of God’s promises, and my emotions feel more vivid than the peace purchased for me on the cross. Daily meditation on God’s Word helps me to keep perspective and to affirm that he is sovereign and good and that his gospel is truer than anything I feel or experience.
4) God’s Word provides me with comfort and endurance for trial. Psalm 119 speaks over and over again about the relationship between affliction and delight in God’s Word. Suffering has driven me to the Lord in his Word, and in turn the Lord has sustained me through suffering by his Word. Even the most well-meaning words of comfort from friends often fall short, but meditating on Scripture has provided a balm for my troubled heart and patience to wait on the Lord.
5) Through daily practice of the spiritual disciplines, I find joy in the gospel. In God’s Word, I see over and over again my need for a Savior and God’s provision of a Savior. Over these past few years of devoting myself to meet with the Lord every morning, I have seen my gratitude for his great sacrifice increase.
I could say so much more, but I hope that I have been able to give you a taste of the satisfaction to be found in meeting with the Lord by daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. He has much grace for you, whether you are just starting to seek time with him or seeking to be more consistent in that time or wanting to get more of him out of the practice you already have in place. If you need to, find fellowship, make a plan, and ask God to make you more aware of your need for him. And above all, trust that the Savior will draw you to himself and give you joy, wisdom, and comfort from his gospel. He is faithful and he will do it!
2.26.2008
The Habits of My Practice of the Spiritual Disciplines
(This is part two of three of the talk I recently gave about practicing the spiritual disciplines. You can read part one here.)
I share my practice of the spiritual disciplines not as a list of rules or how-to's, but to give you one idea of what a consistent time to meet with God might look like. The principle of meeting with the Lord is the vital thing. Here is how I seek to put that principle into practice. It’s not the only way or the best way, but it has served me and I hope that hearing these particulars might serve you, too.
I usually have some sort of meta-plan – a long term plan for what I will read in God’s Word, how I will devote myself to prayer, and when and where that will happen. I used to think that it was somehow more holy to NOT have a plan, to let the “Spirit” lead me to what passage of Scripture to read. In reality, that just gave my flesh the chance to say, as I stared at the cover of my closed Bible, “I don’t really know what to read today,” and therefore to leave God’s Word unopened. The lack of a plan really resulted in the opposite of a Spirit-led practice of the spiritual disciplines! Having a plan helps to overcome the obstacle of my sinful laziness. Last year, my “meta-plan” was to study God’s character so that I would trust him better. I used Wayne Grudem’s Bible Doctrine and J.I Packer’s Knowing God to guide my Scripture reading to that end. This year, my “meta-plan” involves using D.A. Carson’s For the Love of God; for each day, this book suggests four passages of Scripture (usually 2 Old Testament and 2 New Testament chapters) and then Carson comments on one of those passages. This plan is set up to cover one calendar year, but it will probably take me longer than that. I like to be flexible with my plan, so I often take small breaks to pursue separate mini-plans. Sometimes I will use a morning to listen to a sermon. Sometimes I will use my time to complete a reading assignment for care group or to review notes from a recent message. Sometimes I will take a week or more to focus on putting to death a particular sin or preparing my heart for a foreseeable temptation. Approaching my long-term plan with this kind of flexibility keeps my practice of the spiritual disciplines from becoming legalistic and helps me to treat it as a means of grace that serves my soul.
On a day-to-day basis, I also have a plan for the when, where, and how of my practice of the spiritual disciplines. Though I am still not a morning person (and honestly, I’m not a night person either; I’m really just a sleep person!), I have come to see how much I need to renew my mind at the beginning of each day. In order to make sure that my time with the Lord is not rushed, I wake up with plenty of time before my first obligation of the day, and I do my devotions first. (If I wake up late, or if I run out of time, it is better for me to sacrifice a workout or a shower or nicely-styled hair than my time meditating on God’s Word!) For me, “plenty of time” means waking up between 6 and 6:30 – that gives me three hours before I start work. Within 10-15 minutes of getting out of bed, I sit down at the table with breakfast, a hot drink, my Bible, my journal, and a pen. I learn best by writing things down, so a journal is an invaluable tool to me as I meditate on Scripture. Typically, I read through whatever passages are in my plan for the day; then, I look back through the passage for verses that stood out to me. I write out those verses in my journal, and then I pray through those verses by writing out thoughts addressed to God, asking him to help me apply his words to my life and considering how the passage connects the gospel to my heart. Some mornings I end up meditating on several passages of Scripture and filling up many pages of my journal; some mornings I may only meditate on one passage and write on half a page. When I am finished reading and meditating, I try to spend about 10 minutes praying for others. This is a new practice for me, since the church’s recent prayer series, and it definitely does not come easily to me! (So please ask me, if you think of it, how I am doing in this area.) But again, having a plan is helping me to practice this discipline. I have an index card of verses to pray for Aaron each day. I have the church prayer list, and I pray through one section of that each day (for Sunday celebrations on Monday, for outreach on Tuesday, and so on). And I have begun keeping a small notebook in which I write down particular prayer requests as I hear them (otherwise, I tell someone I will pray for them and then completely forget!). These small tools are helping me to grow in a more outward-focused prayer life, coming before God on behalf of my husband, my church, my friends, and my world.
I share my practice of the spiritual disciplines not as a list of rules or how-to's, but to give you one idea of what a consistent time to meet with God might look like. The principle of meeting with the Lord is the vital thing. Here is how I seek to put that principle into practice. It’s not the only way or the best way, but it has served me and I hope that hearing these particulars might serve you, too.
I usually have some sort of meta-plan – a long term plan for what I will read in God’s Word, how I will devote myself to prayer, and when and where that will happen. I used to think that it was somehow more holy to NOT have a plan, to let the “Spirit” lead me to what passage of Scripture to read. In reality, that just gave my flesh the chance to say, as I stared at the cover of my closed Bible, “I don’t really know what to read today,” and therefore to leave God’s Word unopened. The lack of a plan really resulted in the opposite of a Spirit-led practice of the spiritual disciplines! Having a plan helps to overcome the obstacle of my sinful laziness. Last year, my “meta-plan” was to study God’s character so that I would trust him better. I used Wayne Grudem’s Bible Doctrine and J.I Packer’s Knowing God to guide my Scripture reading to that end. This year, my “meta-plan” involves using D.A. Carson’s For the Love of God; for each day, this book suggests four passages of Scripture (usually 2 Old Testament and 2 New Testament chapters) and then Carson comments on one of those passages. This plan is set up to cover one calendar year, but it will probably take me longer than that. I like to be flexible with my plan, so I often take small breaks to pursue separate mini-plans. Sometimes I will use a morning to listen to a sermon. Sometimes I will use my time to complete a reading assignment for care group or to review notes from a recent message. Sometimes I will take a week or more to focus on putting to death a particular sin or preparing my heart for a foreseeable temptation. Approaching my long-term plan with this kind of flexibility keeps my practice of the spiritual disciplines from becoming legalistic and helps me to treat it as a means of grace that serves my soul.
On a day-to-day basis, I also have a plan for the when, where, and how of my practice of the spiritual disciplines. Though I am still not a morning person (and honestly, I’m not a night person either; I’m really just a sleep person!), I have come to see how much I need to renew my mind at the beginning of each day. In order to make sure that my time with the Lord is not rushed, I wake up with plenty of time before my first obligation of the day, and I do my devotions first. (If I wake up late, or if I run out of time, it is better for me to sacrifice a workout or a shower or nicely-styled hair than my time meditating on God’s Word!) For me, “plenty of time” means waking up between 6 and 6:30 – that gives me three hours before I start work. Within 10-15 minutes of getting out of bed, I sit down at the table with breakfast, a hot drink, my Bible, my journal, and a pen. I learn best by writing things down, so a journal is an invaluable tool to me as I meditate on Scripture. Typically, I read through whatever passages are in my plan for the day; then, I look back through the passage for verses that stood out to me. I write out those verses in my journal, and then I pray through those verses by writing out thoughts addressed to God, asking him to help me apply his words to my life and considering how the passage connects the gospel to my heart. Some mornings I end up meditating on several passages of Scripture and filling up many pages of my journal; some mornings I may only meditate on one passage and write on half a page. When I am finished reading and meditating, I try to spend about 10 minutes praying for others. This is a new practice for me, since the church’s recent prayer series, and it definitely does not come easily to me! (So please ask me, if you think of it, how I am doing in this area.) But again, having a plan is helping me to practice this discipline. I have an index card of verses to pray for Aaron each day. I have the church prayer list, and I pray through one section of that each day (for Sunday celebrations on Monday, for outreach on Tuesday, and so on). And I have begun keeping a small notebook in which I write down particular prayer requests as I hear them (otherwise, I tell someone I will pray for them and then completely forget!). These small tools are helping me to grow in a more outward-focused prayer life, coming before God on behalf of my husband, my church, my friends, and my world.
2.25.2008
A Talk About Practicing Spiritual Disciplines
(I had the opportunity on Saturday to give a brief talk to the women of our church about how my practice of the spiritual disciplines has developed. This is the first of three parts.)
God kindly saved me at an early age, but it wasn’t until my late teen years that I started to understand the idea of a daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. I had thought that personal study of the Bible was something that only pastors or “super-spiritual” Christians did. Sure, I had been told (from the pulpit) of the importance of daily “quiet times” – but I didn’t really think the idea applied to regular believers like me. Then I began to learn of friends who sought to practice the spiritual disciplines, to set aside time to read God’s Word and to pray; as I heard about their practices and what they were learning, I began to realize that God means for all Christians to commune with him in these ways. So with a little instruction and a little fellowship, I began.
At first, I set aside time right before bed to read the Bible and to pray. “I’m not a morning person,” I thought, “so I’ll be able to focus better at night.” I kept this up for years, but my practice was very inconsistent. By the end of the day, it was easy to let other things crowd out that time with the Lord (and night-time prayer quickly morphed into sleeping!). When others mentioned the benefits of setting aside time to meet with the Lord in the morning, I inwardly scoffed, “That just wouldn’t work for me. I don’t have to be that legalistic.” But I also felt a tiny prick of conviction, a budding awareness that it was only my pride and self-sufficiency that led me to think I didn’t need to renew my mind with Scripture until the end of my day.
My practice of the spiritual disciplines grew gradually through my late teens and early twenties, but in the Lord’s providence a few things merged together to transform my limping habits. First, marriage to a godly man provided daily fellowship; knowing that, over dinner, Aaron would ask me if I had met with the Lord that morning gave me strong motivation to do so! Second, our church’s teachings on having a plan for reading the Bible and on meditating on Scripture gave me better tools for benefiting from God’s Word. Third, an extremely difficult and ongoing trial made me aware of my desperate, daily need for grace and help from God and his truth. God used these three things – fellowship, planning, and recognition of my need for him - to change my practice of the spiritual disciplines from an occasional five-to-fifteen minutes before bed to a regular 45 minutes to an hour with him almost every morning. Having a more consistent, longer quiet time first thing in the morning doesn’t earn me any points with God; instead, this time is a means of grace to me, an opportunity for me to meet with the Lord as he has revealed himself in his Word, to preach the gospel to my unbelieving heart, and to steep my soul in truths that I need reminders of daily.
God kindly saved me at an early age, but it wasn’t until my late teen years that I started to understand the idea of a daily practice of the spiritual disciplines. I had thought that personal study of the Bible was something that only pastors or “super-spiritual” Christians did. Sure, I had been told (from the pulpit) of the importance of daily “quiet times” – but I didn’t really think the idea applied to regular believers like me. Then I began to learn of friends who sought to practice the spiritual disciplines, to set aside time to read God’s Word and to pray; as I heard about their practices and what they were learning, I began to realize that God means for all Christians to commune with him in these ways. So with a little instruction and a little fellowship, I began.
At first, I set aside time right before bed to read the Bible and to pray. “I’m not a morning person,” I thought, “so I’ll be able to focus better at night.” I kept this up for years, but my practice was very inconsistent. By the end of the day, it was easy to let other things crowd out that time with the Lord (and night-time prayer quickly morphed into sleeping!). When others mentioned the benefits of setting aside time to meet with the Lord in the morning, I inwardly scoffed, “That just wouldn’t work for me. I don’t have to be that legalistic.” But I also felt a tiny prick of conviction, a budding awareness that it was only my pride and self-sufficiency that led me to think I didn’t need to renew my mind with Scripture until the end of my day.
My practice of the spiritual disciplines grew gradually through my late teens and early twenties, but in the Lord’s providence a few things merged together to transform my limping habits. First, marriage to a godly man provided daily fellowship; knowing that, over dinner, Aaron would ask me if I had met with the Lord that morning gave me strong motivation to do so! Second, our church’s teachings on having a plan for reading the Bible and on meditating on Scripture gave me better tools for benefiting from God’s Word. Third, an extremely difficult and ongoing trial made me aware of my desperate, daily need for grace and help from God and his truth. God used these three things – fellowship, planning, and recognition of my need for him - to change my practice of the spiritual disciplines from an occasional five-to-fifteen minutes before bed to a regular 45 minutes to an hour with him almost every morning. Having a more consistent, longer quiet time first thing in the morning doesn’t earn me any points with God; instead, this time is a means of grace to me, an opportunity for me to meet with the Lord as he has revealed himself in his Word, to preach the gospel to my unbelieving heart, and to steep my soul in truths that I need reminders of daily.
2.21.2008
A Laparoscopy Is Like the Sun
I've got some preparations to do for next Friday's laparoscopy. I need to have some pre-op bloodwork done. I need to buy broth and jello and non-citrus juices to consume for my required clear liquids diet the day before the surgery. And most importantly, I need to prepare my heart.
Remember the old three trees diagram? Over the past couple of days, I've been working through one to start fighting my fears about the laparoscopy.
1. heat - I am having surgery to investigate my blocked fallopian tube, and the outcome in unknown.
2. bad fruit - I am afraid of the surgery, of what the doctor will find, and of what the long term implication will be for my fertility. I am afraid of having endometriosis or of having my fallopian tube removed or of something else that will make it hard for us to ever conceive.
3. bad root - I want my fertility, and I fear even the little bit I have being taken away from me. I believe that I've already been through enough and that I shouldn't have to face another obstacle. I don't see the surgery as a potential solution but as another pitfall. I believe that I deserve an easy, happy ending to this trial. I believe that I need to have my fertility in order to be satisfied in life. I am doubting that God is with me in these things, thinking that if he really loved me he wouldn't make me go through this procedure now.
4. consequences - I dread this laparoscopy. I imagine worst-case scenarios for the outcome. I resent when others speak of the surgery in an optimistic way. I don't want the medically-best procedure to be done, but I just want whatever preserves an illusion of fertility for me.
5. the cross - The cross tells me that my status as fertile or infertile does not matter much in comparison to my status as a justified sinner inhabited by Christ (and surgery can't change that!). The cross tells me that God is with me always as Immanuel, so I don't need to fear what will happen in the operating room. The cross tells me that God is for me, that he does not put me through needless trial, and that he can work good out of even the most wicked of circumstances. The cross tells me that I actually deserve an unhappy ending and nothing but hardship, but that I have been rescued from that fate by my Savior.
6. good root - I should believe that God loves me, that he is with me, that he is exercising control over this surgery, and that he is not overloading me with trouble. I should believe that God is choosing the best path for me to have children, and if he does not choose to give me children then I will still be satisfied in Christ. I should believe that God will still be good, no matter what the outcome of the laparoscopy. I should desire God's glory above my fertility.
7. good fruit - I should not fear this surgery but trust God and take comfort in his presence with me and his love for me. I should speak more of my confidence in the sure hope of the gospel than of my anxious imaginings of what might be found wrong through the laparoscopy. I should welcome encouragement from others rather than complaining in my heart that those who are optimistic about the surgery just don't understand what I am facing. I should feel glad that this problem with my fallopian tube did not remain undetected but that God sovereignly led to its discovery.
8. consequences - I will have peace and hope, rather than fear, as I anticipate the laparoscopy. I will not cling to the vestiges of my fertility, but I will cling to my steadfast God.
Remember the old three trees diagram? Over the past couple of days, I've been working through one to start fighting my fears about the laparoscopy.
1. heat - I am having surgery to investigate my blocked fallopian tube, and the outcome in unknown.
2. bad fruit - I am afraid of the surgery, of what the doctor will find, and of what the long term implication will be for my fertility. I am afraid of having endometriosis or of having my fallopian tube removed or of something else that will make it hard for us to ever conceive.
3. bad root - I want my fertility, and I fear even the little bit I have being taken away from me. I believe that I've already been through enough and that I shouldn't have to face another obstacle. I don't see the surgery as a potential solution but as another pitfall. I believe that I deserve an easy, happy ending to this trial. I believe that I need to have my fertility in order to be satisfied in life. I am doubting that God is with me in these things, thinking that if he really loved me he wouldn't make me go through this procedure now.
4. consequences - I dread this laparoscopy. I imagine worst-case scenarios for the outcome. I resent when others speak of the surgery in an optimistic way. I don't want the medically-best procedure to be done, but I just want whatever preserves an illusion of fertility for me.
5. the cross - The cross tells me that my status as fertile or infertile does not matter much in comparison to my status as a justified sinner inhabited by Christ (and surgery can't change that!). The cross tells me that God is with me always as Immanuel, so I don't need to fear what will happen in the operating room. The cross tells me that God is for me, that he does not put me through needless trial, and that he can work good out of even the most wicked of circumstances. The cross tells me that I actually deserve an unhappy ending and nothing but hardship, but that I have been rescued from that fate by my Savior.
6. good root - I should believe that God loves me, that he is with me, that he is exercising control over this surgery, and that he is not overloading me with trouble. I should believe that God is choosing the best path for me to have children, and if he does not choose to give me children then I will still be satisfied in Christ. I should believe that God will still be good, no matter what the outcome of the laparoscopy. I should desire God's glory above my fertility.
7. good fruit - I should not fear this surgery but trust God and take comfort in his presence with me and his love for me. I should speak more of my confidence in the sure hope of the gospel than of my anxious imaginings of what might be found wrong through the laparoscopy. I should welcome encouragement from others rather than complaining in my heart that those who are optimistic about the surgery just don't understand what I am facing. I should feel glad that this problem with my fallopian tube did not remain undetected but that God sovereignly led to its discovery.
8. consequences - I will have peace and hope, rather than fear, as I anticipate the laparoscopy. I will not cling to the vestiges of my fertility, but I will cling to my steadfast God.
2.18.2008
Stopping Off for a Second to Be Super Again
Last night, Aaron and I started watching season one of A Bit of Fry & Laurie on DVD, and it is really striking my funny bone. (And I mean that in a pink and slightly special way.) I found a few clips to share, for your Presidents' Day pleasure.
2.14.2008
Sweet Comic Valentine (*NOW WITH 100% MORE DUCK!*)
So all kinds of folks are sharing their Valentine's day or general love stories; I guess I'll toss ours into the pot.
Aaron and I started officially dating on February 3, 2001 (a good story in and of itself), so our first Valentine's day together rolled around pretty early on in our relationship. We met as RA's (resident assistants) in upperclass dorms, and the job required Aaron to be on his floor that night. Thankfully, his floor was open for visitors, so I went to go see him. I don't remember if I gave him anything (surely at least a card?), but his gifts to me were memorable.
First, he gave me a fragrant stargazer lily.
Then, he gave me a pig.
Yes, a pig. But not a live, or even a life-size, pig. He bestowed upon his new sweetheart a little rubber pig. You see, in those days, Aaron constantly carried around a small zoo in his pockets. There's a long backstory involved, but he always had on his person a greenboat duck (it was a duck! I just remembered this morning - the boat is part of the backstory, but at the time Aaron carried a duck, a duck that has, to our great detriment, convinced both of our mothers that WE LOVE DUCK STUFF, THERE IS NOTHING WE WOULD RATHER HAVE THAN DUCK ORNAMENTS, TIES, SOCKS, SHOWER CURTAINS!), a white dove, and a tiny pig by the name of Travis Beacon (not Bacon). So as a symbol of our newly pledged affection, I received a matching piglet - May Parker (not Porker). Nothing says "Be my Valentine!" like a porcine figurine!
And after all that, he gave me three sweet kisses. Our first.
May Parker still has a place of honor in my jewelry box.
Aaron and I started officially dating on February 3, 2001 (a good story in and of itself), so our first Valentine's day together rolled around pretty early on in our relationship. We met as RA's (resident assistants) in upperclass dorms, and the job required Aaron to be on his floor that night. Thankfully, his floor was open for visitors, so I went to go see him. I don't remember if I gave him anything (surely at least a card?), but his gifts to me were memorable.
First, he gave me a fragrant stargazer lily.
Then, he gave me a pig.
Yes, a pig. But not a live, or even a life-size, pig. He bestowed upon his new sweetheart a little rubber pig. You see, in those days, Aaron constantly carried around a small zoo in his pockets. There's a long backstory involved, but he always had on his person a green
And after all that, he gave me three sweet kisses. Our first.
May Parker still has a place of honor in my jewelry box.
2.13.2008
Doomsday Officially on the Calendar
I've scheduled my laparoscopy. Those four words don't adequately convey the cringing emotion behind them. Those four words mean that I started a new cycle* this past weekend; no miraculous intervention occurred to prevent the need for the laparoscopy. I've asked for faith that God can restore my fertility, but I have to remind myself that he is not bound to do so, that he is able and good even though he has not chosen to heal me at this time. I will have the laparoscopy on February 29. I find myself full of fear - fear of the unknown quantity of the surgery itself (how strange to go under anesthesia not knowing what the result will be when I wake up), fear of what the doctor will find, fear of the long term implications if the fallopian tube gets removed or if endometriosis or something similarly serious is discovered, fear that this laparoscopy will deliver the final blow to my hope of conceiving and giving birth to children. I know my fear reveals that I do not fully place my trust in God's total rule and steadfast love, so between now and the last day of February I plan to do battle against my fear, by God's grace. "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Rom. 8:6).
*Last month, I charted my cycle for the first time since starting fertility treatments, just to see if anything had changed after all the medicated cycles. It appears that I had a 7 day luteal phase - do you think the HSG (on day 12) could have caused things to go wonky, or what?
*Last month, I charted my cycle for the first time since starting fertility treatments, just to see if anything had changed after all the medicated cycles. It appears that I had a 7 day luteal phase - do you think the HSG (on day 12) could have caused things to go wonky, or what?
2.09.2008
Documenting the Years of No Pants
I'll give you three guesses to figure out where we went on this family vacation. I have to say that Mark makes a better Lady Liberty than yours truly. And please appreciate my dad's boredom and/or studied ignorance of our earnest efforts to be statuesque.
Remember the tiny private school I attended (#9 & #10)? The entire student body (not just my class) signed this sweatshirt.
Okay, so my lower half is technically clothed here. But I think the make-up job, well, makes up for it. And Mark really struts his pants-less stuff.You're welcome.
2.08.2008
Meditation on Romans 5
Yesterday I wrote about preaching Romans 4* to myself. In Romans 5:1-5, I found promises of God that I can preach to myself until I am fully convinced that God is able to do them. These are the precious promises of justification, the blessings secured to me by the righteousness imputed to me by Christ. I have peace with God. I have hope in his glory, knowing that he will show himself supremely good no matter what happens. I can rejoice in suffering, even in infertility. God promises me endurance, character, hope, and love. By his Spirit, he has helped me to endure three years of infertility and all its disappointments. I trust that he will give me endurance for as many more years of suffering that lie ahead. He is producing character in me, teaching me to obey him in everything, to know and trust him, to bear fruit even under withering heat. Now I need hope - hope that my future will not be all trouble, hope that hope itself will not shame me. Within the online community of infertility, hope is often portrayed as foolish, weak, silly; the real infertility veterans wear a badge of cynicism, a shield meant to inure us against disappointment. There is a fear - a fear that I feel - that high hopes will make the fall that much harder. If I don't hope that I might be pregnant, that next cycle starting won't hurt so badly and faulty expectations won't leave me feeling foolish. But hope won't put me to shame. God promises! This is where I want to grow right now, in having enough faith to hope that God's glory will be shown in my life, whether through a miraculous pregnancy or through ongoing trust despite deferred hope. Hope will not put me to shame, because I have assurance of God's love, proven on the cross of Christ and shed on my heart by the Holy Spirit. With that assurance, may I not waver or distrust these heavenly promises.
*By the way, click here for someone else's very helpful thoughts on the same verses in Romans 4.
*By the way, click here for someone else's very helpful thoughts on the same verses in Romans 4.
2.07.2008
Meditation on Romans 4
Preaching Romans 4:18-25 to myself...
In hope I want to believe against hope. Though I don't have the same specific promise as Abraham (the promise of offspring), I have the same God. All the facts point to a very slim, almost non-existent hope that I will ever conceive. But I want to hope against hope, to hope in God's power and goodness against the odds. I don't want to weaken in faith when I consider my as-good-as-dead reproductive system (at least as it stands now, with this blocked and poisonously-leaky fallopian tube) or the ongoing barrenness of my womb. I don't want to waver in distrust but to grow strong in faith, giving glory to God, fully convinced that he is able to do as he promises. He hasn't necessarily promised me children, but he has promised to work all things for my good. He has secured that promise by sending his only Son to die for my sins, then raising him from the dead and justifying me so that I can receive all the blessings pledged to the righteous.
In hope I want to believe against hope. Though I don't have the same specific promise as Abraham (the promise of offspring), I have the same God. All the facts point to a very slim, almost non-existent hope that I will ever conceive. But I want to hope against hope, to hope in God's power and goodness against the odds. I don't want to weaken in faith when I consider my as-good-as-dead reproductive system (at least as it stands now, with this blocked and poisonously-leaky fallopian tube) or the ongoing barrenness of my womb. I don't want to waver in distrust but to grow strong in faith, giving glory to God, fully convinced that he is able to do as he promises. He hasn't necessarily promised me children, but he has promised to work all things for my good. He has secured that promise by sending his only Son to die for my sins, then raising him from the dead and justifying me so that I can receive all the blessings pledged to the righteous.
2.05.2008
Dim Shadows and Bright Hope
We live in a gap between God's promises and our reality. God gives us promise and hope, but we live in a world full of trials and disappointments. In this gap between promise and reality, our faith is cultivated. We learn to place our faith entirely in our entirely faithful God. (These words come from a message on Genesis 15 preached at our church two Sundays ago.)
This past Sunday morning, we sang the hymn "Great Is Your Faithfulness." As I sang, my heart (and my eyes) filled to overflowing with the ache of that gap between God's promises and the reality of my infertility.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.
I don't always feel like I have the strength necessary for each day - for disappointing diagnoses, for watching other's pregnant bellies grow around me, for waiting and waiting and waiting. And bright hope for tomorrow? All I can foresee in my circumstances is dim trouble - another cycle starting, another friend's baby being born, a surgery in which I may or may not lose one fallopian tube. Blessings all mine? All? What about the blessing of children? I am too often aware of the blessings I lack, rather than the abundance of blessings I have been given in Christ.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.
There is so much more in my life that I want the Lord to provide - healing, freedom from infertility, pregnancy, children. But he provides all I need. He has given me salvation, pardoned my sins. He does give me strength for each day, grace to navigate the temptations of infertility, even if I barely make it through the rough waters by clinging to him as my life preserver. I do have bright hope - hope of heaven, hope of increasing Christ-likeness, hope of seeing my Savior face to face. I do have every best blessing in Christ. Oh, I don't always feel these things. I shed many tears over the distance between my experience and the truth of God's promises. But...
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
My circumstances toss the little boat of my soul around on waves of doubt and distress. My feelings turn me round and round like a whirlpool. My diagnosis, my expectations, change like storms. But God does not change or turn. His compassion won't fail me. The same compassion that moved him to sacrifice his Son on my behalf is extended to me today. He knows how much it hurts to live in the gap between his promises and my reality. So when the heartache seems to swamp me, I ask for new mercy to see the Lord and his word as more real than my circumstances. By faith, I will see more of his faithfulness.
This past Sunday morning, we sang the hymn "Great Is Your Faithfulness." As I sang, my heart (and my eyes) filled to overflowing with the ache of that gap between God's promises and the reality of my infertility.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.
I don't always feel like I have the strength necessary for each day - for disappointing diagnoses, for watching other's pregnant bellies grow around me, for waiting and waiting and waiting. And bright hope for tomorrow? All I can foresee in my circumstances is dim trouble - another cycle starting, another friend's baby being born, a surgery in which I may or may not lose one fallopian tube. Blessings all mine? All? What about the blessing of children? I am too often aware of the blessings I lack, rather than the abundance of blessings I have been given in Christ.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.
There is so much more in my life that I want the Lord to provide - healing, freedom from infertility, pregnancy, children. But he provides all I need. He has given me salvation, pardoned my sins. He does give me strength for each day, grace to navigate the temptations of infertility, even if I barely make it through the rough waters by clinging to him as my life preserver. I do have bright hope - hope of heaven, hope of increasing Christ-likeness, hope of seeing my Savior face to face. I do have every best blessing in Christ. Oh, I don't always feel these things. I shed many tears over the distance between my experience and the truth of God's promises. But...
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
My circumstances toss the little boat of my soul around on waves of doubt and distress. My feelings turn me round and round like a whirlpool. My diagnosis, my expectations, change like storms. But God does not change or turn. His compassion won't fail me. The same compassion that moved him to sacrifice his Son on my behalf is extended to me today. He knows how much it hurts to live in the gap between his promises and my reality. So when the heartache seems to swamp me, I ask for new mercy to see the Lord and his word as more real than my circumstances. By faith, I will see more of his faithfulness.
2.01.2008
Now We Are Six
Lauren tagged me for this; it was hard to come up with six things that didn't replicate my 100 things list!
Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
1. I have rather particular habits when it comes to the preparation of tea. Hot water (preferably from a kettle, not heated in the microwave) must be poured OVER the tea bag/leaves; filling a cup with water and then adding the tea bag/leaves is absolutely unacceptable. I like the tea to steep for four minutes (I usually drink black tea; for green, white, or red tea the steeping time varies a bit). When the brewing completes, I remove the tea bag, squeezing it out with a spoon to get the last drops of flavor. Sugar, if I want it, must get stirred in before milk or cream, because I have this notion that it won't dissolve as well after the addition of milk. When brewing tea for more than one person, I adore using this teapot of ours.
2. When my husband travels for work (like he is right now), I eat horribly and tend to stay up all hours of the night reading. I'll have things like popcorn for dinner (if I have dinner at all). I can't fall asleep very easily without him beside me, so I try to lull myself to bed with a book - but with no one to ask me to turn the light off, I often just keep reading!
3. I love to cook, but I hate getting my hands dirty. This means I wash my hands between almost every step of a recipe, and I handle food very delicately so as to touch it minimally. Strangely enough, I don't wash my hands much any other time than when I cook.
4. When I drive and listen to the radio, I often use the fingers of one hand to spell in sign language the words that I hear in news reports or in songs. It started as a way to practice the sign alphabet and get quicker at using it, but now it's just a subconscious habit.
5. Apparently, I give unusual pronunciations to the words "both" and "what." I've been told that I say the first "bolth" (which I find somewhat embarrassing, although I can't really hear it when I say it). Someone also pointed out that I enunciate the "w" and the "h" in question words, making "what" into two syllables; I'm not quite sure how I do this.
6. I have a minor passion for paper goods. Stationary, notes, invitations, journals, calendars, recipe cards, paper plates and napkins, etc. - I'm drawn to them and would probably buy a bazillion of them all if I weren't tempered by a streak of practicality that limits me to what I can actually use. Picking out invitations was one of my favorite aspects of wedding planning. Finishing a journal and getting to pick out a new one thrills me.
Let's see, I'll tag In Search of Morning Sickness, who could probably use the distraction while her husband's deployed, and Katie, who may not have time with two under 2 right now, and Jon, a newcomer to the infertility blogging community, and anyone else who hasn't done this already but would like to do so.
Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
1. I have rather particular habits when it comes to the preparation of tea. Hot water (preferably from a kettle, not heated in the microwave) must be poured OVER the tea bag/leaves; filling a cup with water and then adding the tea bag/leaves is absolutely unacceptable. I like the tea to steep for four minutes (I usually drink black tea; for green, white, or red tea the steeping time varies a bit). When the brewing completes, I remove the tea bag, squeezing it out with a spoon to get the last drops of flavor. Sugar, if I want it, must get stirred in before milk or cream, because I have this notion that it won't dissolve as well after the addition of milk. When brewing tea for more than one person, I adore using this teapot of ours.
2. When my husband travels for work (like he is right now), I eat horribly and tend to stay up all hours of the night reading. I'll have things like popcorn for dinner (if I have dinner at all). I can't fall asleep very easily without him beside me, so I try to lull myself to bed with a book - but with no one to ask me to turn the light off, I often just keep reading!
3. I love to cook, but I hate getting my hands dirty. This means I wash my hands between almost every step of a recipe, and I handle food very delicately so as to touch it minimally. Strangely enough, I don't wash my hands much any other time than when I cook.
4. When I drive and listen to the radio, I often use the fingers of one hand to spell in sign language the words that I hear in news reports or in songs. It started as a way to practice the sign alphabet and get quicker at using it, but now it's just a subconscious habit.
5. Apparently, I give unusual pronunciations to the words "both" and "what." I've been told that I say the first "bolth" (which I find somewhat embarrassing, although I can't really hear it when I say it). Someone also pointed out that I enunciate the "w" and the "h" in question words, making "what" into two syllables; I'm not quite sure how I do this.
6. I have a minor passion for paper goods. Stationary, notes, invitations, journals, calendars, recipe cards, paper plates and napkins, etc. - I'm drawn to them and would probably buy a bazillion of them all if I weren't tempered by a streak of practicality that limits me to what I can actually use. Picking out invitations was one of my favorite aspects of wedding planning. Finishing a journal and getting to pick out a new one thrills me.
Let's see, I'll tag In Search of Morning Sickness, who could probably use the distraction while her husband's deployed, and Katie, who may not have time with two under 2 right now, and Jon, a newcomer to the infertility blogging community, and anyone else who hasn't done this already but would like to do so.
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