Yesterday, I composed a post about how God helped me to trust Him after this weekend's disappointing news. However, that post will have to wait because today I received more bad news, and I'm having a hard time seeing God's goodness.
My baseline ultrasound this morning revealed that I have a cyst on my left ovary. "An ugly, messy one," according to the tech. One of the five large follicles that Clomid stimulated released its egg and then stuck around in its ruptured state, rather than dissolving gracefully. If I take Clomid now, it would cause the cyst to grow and wreak havoc on my reproductive system. So we have to put all fertility treatments on hold and wait for the cyst to resolve itself (which the nurse warned me will probably involve cramping and bleeding). The nurse said that we could still try to conceive naturally this cycle, but that doesn't help much. I mean, let's be honest - 21 cycles au natural yielded 0 conceptions. I'm not getting my hopes up for this one. (Okay, that's a lie. I'm pleading with God for a miracle to occur this month, that we will get pregnant despite the cyst and the lack of medical intervention.)
So, I'm incredibly disappointed at the delay. I just don't understand why God keeps causing these hardships to pile up. I prayed this morning (before the appointment) that I would see my suffering as something to be endured for the sake of Christ, but this bad news makes me feel so weary that I don't know how much longer I can endure. I prayed that Christ would be honored in my body; now I sit here wishing that a cyst didn't have to be the means of doing so. I don't want to wait another month. I don't want to have next summer be the earliest I could give birth to a child. I don't want to go through another round of baby showers and births without being pregnant myself. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to be infertile anymore.
I'm trying to cast my cares on God, fighting to believe that he is good when I can't see it, but I'm losing that battle right now.