Public sin merits a public confession. This morning I read the words, "Do all things without grumbling or questioning," in Philippians 1:14. Conviction immediately settled in. I spent the whole of yesterday grumbling and questioning over the news of the cyst. I grumbled and questioned on my blog. Please forgive me.
It's easy to justify grumbling. My circumstances are difficult. The heat of temptation is real. But my response came straight out of my sinful heart, a heart that doesn't want to trust God when things don't go the way I want. A heart that can say, "Yes, God, you were good to save me. Yes, you were good to bless me with a wonderful husband. Yes, you were good to put me in such an outstanding local church. But I don't like infertility, so you must not be good to me in that area." Because I don't get a detailed letter from God explaining every reason why he has ordained this particular suffering for me, I complain and doubt and ask, "Why, why, why?" I decide that my emotions and perceptions are more infallible than God's word.
But God's word says that he is good and does good; he is full of steadfast love and faithfulness; he is trustworthy and there is no unrighteousness in him. My doubtful grumblings and questionings dishonor that God, but that God paid the ultimate price to forgive my grumblings and questionings.
Has the temptation to grumble and question gone away? No. I still don't understand or want this hardship. I still worry that my fears of more fertility setbacks will come true. But I have fresh conviction to take those thoughts captive and to fix my gave on my kind and lovely Savior.