Hope Deferred

So we come to September 2005. How I longed to give Aaron the birthday gift of a pregnancy announcement! Instead, I got the gift of finding out two close friends were pregnant within two weeks of each other. Friends who got married after us. Friends who started trying to conceive after us. I was genuinely happy for them, but I was devastated for myself. I sobbed uncontrollably after both announcements. (I used to not be much of a crier. Now the waterworks can flow on an almost unlimited basis.) My desire for a child physically hurt, and I was convinced that something was very, very wrong. Why was God choosing to bless everyone but me?

In my desperation, I found the cross of Jesus becoming sweeter to me. I was suffering; my Savior knew what it was like to suffer much more horrifically that I will ever know. I felt abandoned by God; on the cross, Christ truly was abandoned by His Father so that I would never have to be. I was in emotional turmoil; Jesus bore punishment in order to bring me peace. I was in the midst of a crisis; the salvation purchased for me on the cross solved the greatest crisis of my sin against a holy, perfect God.

Around this time, I was given a copy of the CD WorshipGod Live. I listened to it for the first time in the car, and when I reached track 3 I almost couldn’t see the road through my tears. (Thankfully I was only 3 blocks away from my destination, the post office!) The song “Count It All Joy” met me right in the midst of my pain, the truthful antidote to my distressed feelings:

Lord, I'll count it all joy when my troubles close me in on every side
Lord, I'll count it all joy when this road of faith runs through the darkest night
For I know You're at work in me
Yes, I know You'll provide all the grace I need

You have always been my Rock
I will trust You forever, forever
You have never failed me, God
I will trust You forever, forever

Lord, I'll count it all joy when the weight of sorrow drives me to my knees
Every heartache and pain in Your mighty hands is forming Christ in me
And I know that Your word is true
Yes, I know every trial will only prove

You have always been my Rock...

(Can you tell I like music? 4 of my last 6 posts have mentioned songs, I think. I often feel like I am best able to pray and listen to God through singing.)

In October, Aaron & I decided it was time to call my OB-GYN to schedule a consultation and see if we could start running some tests. The hope of pregnancy had been deferred long enough to pursue medical intervention...