Orange-Avocado Salsa

For the Five-Ingredients-or-Less edition of Works for Me Wednesday, I thought I'd share this orange-avocado salsa, a summer favorite of ours. We like to serve it over grilled chicken breasts with rice, but I bet it would be tasty with fish or pork chops, too.

Orange-Avocado Salsa

1 tbsp lime juice
1 tsp honey
2 large navel oranges
1/4 cup finely chopped red onion
1 avocado, pitted and diced*

In a medium bowl, whisk lime juice & honey together. Season w/ salt & pepper (I know, those weren't on the ingredients list, but that would have made for seven ingredients rather than five; shhh!). Set aside.

Cut up the oranges: Slice of both ends of each orange. Following the curve of the fruit, cut away the peel and pith. Quarter the oranges (basically, cut an X lengthwise through the core of the orange, if that makes sense), then lay each half (two of the quartered sections) flat and slice sections 1/4" thick; this will give you a bunch of little orange triangles.

Add orange pieces, onion and avocado to honey-lime mixture. Toss gently to combine. Serve immediately.

*This may be obvious, but here's how I dice an avocado. Use a chef's knife to cut the avocado in half vertically, curving around the pit. Separate the two halves, then whack the pit with your knife (this is why I use my big, nicely weighted chef's knife for this task); twist to remove pit. Now, cut 1/4-1/2" dice into each avocado half, without slicing through the skin. Use a spoon to scoop the dice from the skin of each half. Nice and neat!

Progressing Towards Home

We were finally able to get a variety of professionals in to the house at the end of last week. That process was a comedy of errors that felt more like a tragedy at the time - locks changed on the house so we couldn't get in for the first appointment, miscommunication about the rescheduled appointment so that we weren't all in the same place at the same time, and so on. The realtor, an air tester, an HVAC professional, a mold assessor, and I all managed to converge on Friday. Conclusion? The furnace, which wasn't working at our original inspection, was repaired by the seller; it's still an ancient, inefficient piece of machinery, but it's safe and it works. The air test showed the presence of mold spores common after basement flooding, but it's not toxic and the levels aren't too high; it still needs to be addressed, but it's not a major health hazard. And the mold assessor judged that the only areas of the basement that definitely need remediation are the bathroom and storage area, although we asked for a quote for the whole basement to be safe. All in all, we feel much better having a more realistic picture of the works that the house needs, and we were reassured to find out that not everything has to be done up front. We're asking the seller to remediate the mold, so please pray that those negotiations go well (and quickly!) this week. If we reach an agreement on that, and if Aaron and I feel like we're not taking on too many future projects, then we'll move forward. I'm ready to be done with this whole process!

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens (2 Cor. 5:1).

One Item Checked Off the Wait List

NO nine-month wait added to that list. The nurse just called with negative results for the IUI cycle. I had such low expectations that I'm really not disappointed at all. We're going to take July off, because hopefully (please, Lord?) we'll be moving. And I probably have cysts anyway, but we won't bother to check this time. On the bright side, now I don't have to worry about a pesky due date interfering with a trip to Hawaii that my family has planned for March 2009. That's a nice shiny silver lining, huh?

Quick Update

This has been a week of waiting. Waiting to get results for the IUI next week. Waiting to hear back from the seller of the house. This morning, we finally got official approval from the seller to bring in a professional mold mitigator to give an estimate about how extensive the mold is (the inspector only saw a little bit in the corner of the basement bathroom) and how much it would cost to take care of it. So we called our inspector to ask for a recommendation for a mold remediator; he wasn't in, so I left a message, and now we're... waiting.

I'm trying to remember that I'm waiting on the Lord, even though it feels like I'm waiting on people.

Meditation on Psalm 31

I wrote this reflection on Psalm 31 in my journal on Wednesday morning, after all of Tuesday's challenges. (It will have more context if you read the Psalm first.)

Lord, rescue me! Under the weight of all of yesterday's disappointments - the low counts for the IUI, the refusal of the seller to do any repairs on the house - help me to take refuge in you. I know you have already delivered me from my sin; now please deliver me from these trials! Hear my pleas! Remove the shame of having all my desires squelched. Help me to trust that you lead and guide me through infertility and home-buying for your name's sake. Help me to hate the sin in my heart that makes children and houses into idols. Remind me that you are not indifferent to my affliction and distress, but you are gracious. When my eyes are tired of crying, when my soul and body are weary of difficulty, when I feel like all I have are sighs and sorrows, remind me that you are a strength for the weak. You are a sympathetic high priest. You have taken the burden of my iniquities; you made this enemy your friend. You are kind, even when I have a hard time seeing it. Help me to rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love.

God, give me confidence that you have goodness stored up for me. Right now, in my unbelief, I expect abundant hardship from your hand. I believe the reverse of the Savior's words about your Fatherly love - I feel like I am asking for bread and you give me stones, for fish and you give me a snake... Or rather, for a child and you give me infertility, for a house and you give me a moldy basement and a rusty furnace. Conquer my unbelief! Cause me to fear you and take shelter in you and to expect good from you.

Setbacks

Tuesday was challenging.

The IUI went okay. Everything about the procedure itself happened as usual. However, Aaron's numbers were below the preferable range for IUI (motility 31% instead of 50% or greater, a count of 9 million - I think - instead of 10 million or greater). The nurse said the numbers weren't bad enough to cancel the IUI, but... momentary silence implying that we shouldn't get our hopes up... So we'll see. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check if my ovary size indicates adequate progesterone production, and then we wait until the end of June to test for pregnancy. I know our God is bigger than any statistics, but if the conditions of this IUI are less favorable than our previous five - well, less favorable than a whole batch of negatives equals a pretty poor prognosis of success.

Then, we had bad news on the house front. You may remember we've been waiting to hear back in negotiations with the seller to take care of some relatively major issues (water damage, ancient furnace, etc.). Late Tuesday afternoon, the seller (or rather, her lawyer) sent a two-sentence letter "respectfully" declining to do any of the repairs we requested. I was bitterly disappointed. I've been trying to prepare my heart for a potential negative outcome and trying not to idolize this particular house, but the groundwork I laid crumbled almost immediately. The door hasn't completely closed on that home; we did hear a new development from the seller's lawyer today, and we're going to get some professional estimates on the work that needs to be done before we make any final decisions. But it's certainly not turning out to be a straightforward process.

So I've been weary. I'm battling unbelief, and I'm disappointed to see how my heart is growing to expect difficulty from the hand of God rather than blessing. (Honestly, my first thought upon getting the IUI and house news in the same day was, "What next, Lord? Are you going to cause one of our cars to explode? What else will you make go wrong?") I know that he will work this all for my good, and I know that all these things that feel like Plan B to me are part of his best purposes. But right now, I'd like to trade in my Person Who Grows Through Hardship badge for a membership in the People Who May Not Learn A Lot But At Least Life Is Easy club.

No Menopausal Nuns Were Hurt in the Making of this IUI ::updated::

When the nurse called with the results on Friday afternoon (E2=285, follicles measuring 15, 13, 10, and 9 mm), she told me to come into the clinic again on Saturday morning for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. At that appointment (to which I rode my bike), C-Pug declared, "Your lining is gorgeous!" My follicles measured 18, 15, 11, and 9 mm, and my E2 had gone up to 495. The doctor instructed me to take one more dose of Follistim on Saturday night, and then I took the HCG trigger shot last night. The IUI is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Please pray!


(For those who don't spend all their time immersed in the world of infertility terminology: E2 is a specific estrogen which should reach levels of 200-600 for every mature follicle; a mature follicle (the sac in which the egg grows) is 18mm or larger; HCG is human chorionic gonadotropin, a pregnancy hormone (the medical form is derived from the urine of pregnant women and menopausal nuns) that mimics the effect of another hormone (luteinizing hormone, or LH) which induces ovulation; IUI is intra-uterine insemination.)

::update::
(As I mulled over this post later while I drove around on some errands - what? doesn't everybody do that? - I realized that I gave inaccurate information in my parenthetical note at the end. It's actually follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH, I think, that comes from the urine of menopausal nuns. Which makes more sense. How would menopausal nuns secrete HCG? Anyway, the title of the post still holds.)

Cycling... and Cycling

I had my second ultrasound and bloodwork appointment for the current IUI cycle this morning; I'll get all the numbers (follicle measurements and estradiol levels) this afternoon, but the ultrasound tech said everything looks "gorgeous" - apparently, her favorite adjective, since she uses it every time I see her - and that things are really growing. This particular ultrasound tech is really darling, so I hereby decree that I will nickname her Cutie-Patooty-Ultrasound-Girl, or C-Pug for short. By the way, my protocol, for any who are curious, is 75 IU of Follistim per day (a lower dose than my last cycle, and I think this will work much better for my production-happy ovaries).

So I have two weekend assignments for you:

1) Both Monday and today, I rode my bike to the clinic. It's only a 20-25 minute ride each way (as opposed to a 10-15 minute drive) on a nice route between our apartment and the hospital. The nurses had instructed me not to add any new excercises during the IUI cycle, so technically biking isn't forbidden for me, but I'm starting to wonder if it's too much. What do you think? I'm popping up a poll in the right side bar, so go ahead and vote.

2) Legal wheels are still turning on the house stuff post-inspection. But that doesn't stop my mental wheels from spinning with decorating ideas. (I figure, hey, whether we end up buying this home another one, I'll still be decorating something.) So tell me in the comments, what are your favorite decorating and design resources - websites, magazines, books, stores, etc.?

Happy Friday!

Any Way

During the New Attitude conference, my mind filled with memories of how we realized the failure of our first IVF at last year's conference. It was tempting to moan, "Another year past, and nothing has changed!" But that's not true. Yes, my infertility hasn't gone away. I still don't have a baby or even the whisper of a pregnancy. But my heart has changed. God has been at work to make me content and to make his Son more precious to me. And at the conference, primarily through the worship times at Na, another change happened in my heart.

For much of the past three years, I have sought to remind myself that this trial of infertility is not primarily about me but about God's purposes. I have thought, "What glory the Lord will receive when I have children!" I've expected that if I just wait long enough, the end result will be a splashy display of God's kindness when he gives me a baby and everyone around me rejoices in finally, beautifully answered prayers. But now I am starting to think, "What glory the Lord will receive even if I don't ever have children." He doesn't have to give me a baby to glorify himself, to show himself good and beautiful and true. And I'm beginning to see that I will be okay whichever way he chooses to work, whether he shows his mercy and love by fulfilling my desires for children or by enabling me to walk in grace for an entire lifetime of childlessness. Increasingly, I want the title of my life-story to be not Barren Woman Finally Blessed by God with Babies after Years of Patient Endurance but What a Savior. As we sang over and over again at New Attitude:

O Father, use my ransomed life
In any way you choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is you.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ.
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life.

Home, Inspected

Here is our layman's interpretation of the home inspector's report: the house has a robustly healthy body, but it's balding and has stinky feet.

The home inspector said that the structure is in excellent shape; it was built really well, and the original footprint and floorplan have not been altered. However, since the house is 80 years old, it does have some problematic issues. The basement has had some flooding and needs waterproofing and mold mitigation, the furnace is 30 years old, and the roof is about 15 years old (though not leaking anywhere). The inspector gave us very rough estimates about how much it would cost to do the necessary work, and it was all less than we would have expected. They're three big jobs, but they're doable. So now we move into negotiations with the seller. We're hoping that the seller will take care of the flood damage and the furnace (our realtor thinks the current owner might have a home warranty, which would cover some of that); we'll ask about the roof, too, but we're willing to save up to do that ourselves if need be. We still really like the home, and we want to make it work, but we're holding it very lightly. Lord willing, we'll come to a good agreement with the seller and will still be able to make this home our own soon. Please pray with us to that end!

Six One, Half Dozen the Other

Today marks the start of my sixth IUI cycle. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand: Yay! Cysts are gone! Another chance to get pregnant! On the other: Hmph. Six IUIs; really? How did I get to be that person, the barren woman with a litter of failed infertility treatments in her wake? Counting our two IVF attempts in with all these IUIs, and it won't be long before my medicated cycle counts number in the double-digits. When do we just say, "Enough," and move on? I've started to have thoughts like, "If we had started to pursue adoption when we realized we were infertile, we might have a child or even two by now." But here I take comfort in God's sovereignty; we've sought his will, he's led us down this path of medical intervention, and he will build our family in his way and time. All those "what if" questions are fruitless; I only need to trust that God is good and he is in control.

So, IUI #6, here we come. I start the Follistim injections today (I think; I need to get a call from the nurse to confirm my instructions), and the actual IUI will probably fall mid-June.

Please, Lord, let this one work.

Endorsements of the House in O_______ that We Will Most Likely Buy, Pending Home Inspection and Such

"That's the most beautiful house in the universe!"
- a 6-year-old nephew

"You could turn the garage into a nice potting shed."
- mother-in-law and former president of the West Virginia State Garden Club


(We did, in fact, place an offer on the 1930's bungalow-ish house in the town* on the river, and the seller countered with exactly the price we had hoped to pay. So we have a contract, pending various legal and financial approvals. Home inspection is Monday; please pray no major snafus come to light. We really love the house!
*You may have noticed that I'm borrowing a device from Jane Austen and referring to the town by its first letter only. If you live near us, you can probably figure out which town the house is in, but I'd rather not have the whole Internet know where to find us!)

Piping Through Some Links

I'm still trying to return to life as usual after the Na conference, so instead of coming up with original blog material, I'll pass on a few links to content I've appreciated over recent weeks. Each comes from a different member of the Piper family.

From Molly Piper - How to Help Your Grieving Friend, a series of practical tips gleaned from her experience after her daughter Felicity was stillborn last fall

From Abraham Piper - 12 Ways to Improve Your Blog by Serving Your Readers

From John Piper - How a Roman Catholic Anti-Calvinist Can Serve Today's Poet Calvinist, an intriguing tribute to one of my favorite books, G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Here's one quote from the essay: "One of the reasons that Calvinism is stirring today is that it takes both truth and mystery seriously. It’s a singing, poetry-writing, run-through-the-fields Calvinism." (HT Justin Taylor)

Now, I'm off to eat dinner with my in-laws...

Greek Chicken Kebabs

My pal from In Search of Morning Sickness reminded me recently that I haven't posted a recipe in a while. I tried a new recipe recently for Greek kebabs, which ended up not being kebabs because I couldn't find our skewers. So here's my modified version:

3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1" pieces (about 24)
1 zucchini, halved lengthwise and cut crosswise into 1" pieces (about 16)
1/2 small red onion, quartered
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp dried oregano
3 tbsp white or red wine vinegar, divided
1/2 cup crumbled feta
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 cup fresh mint leaves
salt & pepper

In a resealable plastic bag, combine chicken, zucchini, onion, oil, oregano, and 2 tbsp vinegar; season generously with salt & pepper. Marinate at least 30 minutes or up to overnight. Preheat broiler; place rack 4-6" below heat. Line a roasting pan or rimmed baking sheet with foil. Toss marinated chicken and vegetables onto prepared pan. Broil, turning at least once, until chicken is cooked through, about 15 min. Meanwhile, make dipping sauce. Blend feta, yogurt, mint, and remaining tbsp vinegar until smooth.* Serve chicken and vegetables over rice, with dipping sauce.

If you can find your skewers, you can thread the chicken, zucchini, and red onion onto them, in alternating fashion, and then grill them for about 15 min.

Happy Memorial Day weekend! I'm going to the New Attitude conference, and I'll resume posting when I get back.

*I used my immersion blender and its handy measuring container accessory for the sauce. I love this tool! If you don't have one, a food processor will work just fine for making the sauce.

A Calcium Supplement for Osteoporosis of the Soul

As part of my current Bible reading plan, I am in the book of Proverbs. I recently read a verse that gave me a chance to reflect on how much spiritual fruit God has graciously brought about in my heart over the course of this trial of infertility.

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot (Prov. 14:13).

I remembered how, a year or two ago, this verse arrested my attention. Jealousy of friends who were pregnant or had children was a daily struggle at the time, and this verse helped me to see how very serious my sin was. It also aided me to choose what to think when those moments of temptation to envy surged. I mean, given the options of rotting bones or life-filled flesh, the decision is pretty obvious! The words of this verse spurred me on to pursue the tranquil heart that comes from trusting God even when other people's pregnancies and babies lay like large fallen trees across my trail. Reading this verse again encouraged me so much, to see how the Lord has given me grace to put the sin of envy to death. I certainly haven't attained a heart perfectly free of the green monster. But I have gradually learned to tune out the voice that says I should resent my friends for having the blessings I want and to tune in to the glorious channel that broadcasts the blessings I have in the gospel. I am so grateful for this more peaceful state!

Earlier this week, I was emailing with a friend about the sin of jealousy, and I was reminded of a couple of resources (in addition to the Proverbs verse) that have helped me in the battle. One is a post from the GirlTalk blog, "A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy." The other is an article from Tim Challies' blog, "When the Critics Rave, I Weep" (this one is loaded with excellent quotes). I thought I'd share these links today as an encouragement to anyone else who is fighting jealousy along with me.

I Have a Little More to Say Now *updated*

So, here's what's happening on the house front. We first went out to look on Monday morning, thinking we'd get a gradual start. On the way to meet the realtor, we prayed to find a home that would serve for hospitality and outreach. We didn't like much of what we saw that morning, and the one house we did really like was in a neighborhood that didn't feel completely safe. We hadn't completely ruled it out, and we knew it would probably sell fast (by far the nicest thing in that price range), so we felt suddenly compelled to look at other homes as soon as possible in order to compare.

So, we set up an appointment to see a house in another town on Wednesday evening; that one was gorgeous outside but severely disappointing inside - it really would have needed to be gutted and entirely remodeled. At that point, I felt pretty discouraged. I thought looking at homes would be so fun and exciting, but instead I felt frustrated and anxious that we wouldn't find anything appealing that we could afford. I had to constantly tell myself that the Lord had the right home for us and would lead us to it.

Then, we went out again on Friday afternoon. Aaron almost couldn't make it because of last-minute work complications, but he did manage to meet me and the realtor before we left the first home. That day, we found three homes that we could picture ourselves living in! One ended up having a contract on it, so right now we're down to two options that we really like, both in the downtown area of a cute town on a river. We've placed a long-shot offer on one (our first and maximum bid is significantly under the asking price); it's a two-story frame house built in 1920, all updated inside and nicely landscaped. If the seller of the first house doesn't accept our offer, we'll bid on the second home, a bungalow-ish house built in 1930 that has great bones but would need some updating inside and out. And maybe neither will work out, but I have faith that we'll find a good home soon. Exciting stuff!

edited to add: as we pretty much expected, the seller of home option #1 wasn't willing to work with our offer; we're working on cobbling together an offer for home option #2, and I'm feeling lots of anticipation about this one!

Range, Range on the Home

It's been a quiet week here at Chez Entrusted. Why? Because Aaron and I are house-hunting, and the search for Chez Patterson has absorbed all my time and mental energy. And that's all I have to say about that.

Another Way of Escape I'm Not Going to Try: Closing My Eyes, Sticking My Fingers in My Ears, and Singing "La La La La"

Infertile women worldwide are currently hovering in dread of the weekend. This Sunday is the Day That Shall Not Be Named. When all the moms in church are asked to stand and be honored, I will be tethered to my seat by the short cord that feeds electricity to the neon sign on my forehead flashing, "Not a Mom! Not a Mom!" Or at least that's what it feels like. Every year as the second Sunday of May approaches, I start to imagine scenarios that would excuse me from church for just that one day - sickness, vacation, or at least a sudden need for a bathroom break conveniently sandwiched between singing and the sermon. A long bathroom break. On the other side of the building.

But ladies, we have a better escape route than running away from the Day That Shall Not Be Named. Can I paraphrase 1 Corinthians 10:13 for us? No temptation to self-pity, envy, or anxiety has overtaken you that is not common to women (yes, even the fertile ones). God is faithful, and he will not let the second Sunday in May tempt you beyond your ability, but on the Day That Shall Not Be Named he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure even a holiday that puts the spotlight on your heartache and yearning by celebrating the women who have what you don't. That way of escape looks different for each of us, but I can tell you this: I'm going to run to Jesus, and not to the ladies' room.

Last week, I shared with a friend how weary I felt after learning that the trial of infertility had not yet come to an end. She encouraged me with Hebrews 12:3.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint-hearted.

What gospel-motivated grace to persevere! When I feel weary and faint-hearted, I need to consider my Savior. He endured the cross for the joy set before him (see the preceding verses in Hebrews 12), the joy of victoriously reconciling people to God through his death and resurrection. He endured those who beat him and mocked him, though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. I was one of those hostile sinners until he saved me. My sins are so much worse than any of my sufferings, and yet Christ shed his blood to pay for my sins. Considering the One who endured such enmity and such pain in my place gives me a second (or two-hundred-and-second) wind to keep running, even when infertility sometimes leaves me feeling breathless.

Random Things Come in Threes

Veronica of Toddled Dredge tagged me for a post that lists three random things about me. (And how honored am I to be tagged by one of my favorite bloggers?) Without further ado, here's the list:

1) In my junior year of college, I thought I wanted to go on to get my Ph.D. in literature and become an English professor. In my junior year of college, I met Aaron. As we prepared for marriage, we decided that graduate school wasn't the best option because we wanted to be young parents. Yeah, that's gone really well. Ironically, I could have completed a doctoral program by now. However, I don't regret the choice I made (especially since we're now this close to paying off all of our school loans).

2) This is only indirectly about me, but I've had the opportunity to re-tell this story in the past few weeks, so it's fresh on my mind. My family comes from the Netherlands, and my grandparents still lived there at the time of WWII. (My mom was born at the end of the war, and the family moved away shortly afterwards.) My grandparents lived on a farm, and my grandfather (not the one that recently passed away, but the one still kicking in Texas) was the village carpenter. The family used their farm to hide some people from the Nazi army (mostly young men in danger of being conscripted by the enemy, but also a rabbi). As the German invasion approached, the townsfolk came to my grandfather and asked him to use his carpentry skills to hide all of their valuables (paintings, jewelry, etc.). At the end of the war, everyone returned to my grandpa to find out where their belongings were. He said, "You've been sitting on them every Sunday." He had built false bottoms to all the pews in church and stored all the valuables there. It wasn't until the 1990's that my grandparents shared these stories with any of their children or grandchildren.

3) Veronica mentioned in her list of three random things that she enjoys meat with sweet sauces. I actually dislike sweet-flavored meat dishes. The combination of tastes seems wrong to me somehow, as if they stay too distinct rather than blending together. I much prefer savory meat recipes, with garlic or onions and a decent dash of salt.

I'll tag some new blog friends: Mya, Jill, and Brenna (who is not a new friend but has a new blog).