Happy Easter!

There in the ground his body lay,
Light of the world, by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as he stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am his, and he is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

(from "In Christ Alone")

What Have I Done?

(After reading the crucifixion accounts in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John this morning, I thought I'd try meditating in a poetic form. Here's a second-ish draft of what I wrote. May your Good Friday be full of time to reflect on the Savior's cross with horrified sorrow and grateful awe.)

When he tried Jesus
Pilate asked,

What evil has he done?
I covet,
a toddler bully
biting kids with toys.

What evil has he done?
I indulge,
a lazy teen
refusing to leave bed or do chores.

What evil has he done?
I judge,
a college co-ed
knowing just enough to think
I know more than everyone.

What evil has he done?
I dictate,
an arrogant executive
demanding my plans fulfilled.

What evil has he done?
I resent,
a bitter old lady;
nursing home, nursing grudges.

What evil has he done?
None
but mine.

I – mocking – cry
Crucify him!
I – penitent – weep
Have mercy!
Crucify him.

HI Day 2: Just Beachy

We started the morning on Sunday with gobbled greetings from our new turkey neighbors.


Then we spent several hours at Hapuna Beach (where my mom and I read, my dad hid from the sun, and Mark and Aaron played Frisbee).


After we cleaned up, my parents treated us to a gourmet dinner at Merriman's.

The End (of day two, at least)

HI Day 1: To Market, To Market

My parents and brother had their travel to Hawaii delayed by one day, so Aaron and I were on our own for most of Saturday. Our condo in Waikoloa Village overlooked a golf course, the foothills of mountains, and the ocean.


The property was also home to wild turkeys.


After taking a few pictures, the first order of the day was to find food. We visited two local farmers' markets (a tiny one in Waikoloa Village and a bigger one in Keauhou), which were full of exotic produce.


After lunch, we explored Holualoa, a little town full of art galleries and boutiques. A highlight was the ukelele shop, housed in the town's old post office.


We finished the day by picking up my family from the airport, celebrating their arrival by giving my mom a lei.

Humor Me and Pretend It's March 12

Here's what I intended to post that Thursday, before silly things like packing for our trip got in the way.


The point of the photo is not to preserve our packing list for posterity, but to say, "Look, I can take frivolous pictures now and publish them on the Internet with ease, because I have a digital camera!" Just before our Hawaii vacation, we used a slew of horded gift cards to purchase a Nikon D40, along with an 18-55mm lens and a 55-200mm lens. We love it!

So even though the packing list post is outdated now, I thought it would still serve as a good introduction to the Hawaii vacation photoblogging about to come.

Unfulfilled

We sang the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" at church this past Sunday. The lyrics flooded me with memories and emotions. Five years ago, I wanted desperately to start trying to conceive, but Aaron thought (and I agreed logically) we should wait one more year. During that year, I listened to "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" many times. The words encouraged my faith in God's plans and gave me hope.

Hast thou not seen
How thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Surely," I thought, "the Lord will grant my desire for children. I can be patient for a year until we can start trying to get pregnant." So I waited, and I hoped. We finally started trying to conceive in January of 2005. We were still trying in 2006. 2007. 2008. Now in 2009, I sang the same hymn, and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Hast thou not seen
How thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"No," I thought, "I haven't seen that. I've seen my desires denied again and again. I haven't been healed. I don't have children. God hasn't granted my desires; He has deferred my hope indefinitely." The words of praise that had previously offered such a balm now brought a surge of grief and weariness over how long this trial of infertility has lasted. So much longer than I ever expected. No clear end in sight. As we kept singing, I was reminded that the proof of God's goodness lies not in my circumstances but in the cross, not in giving me everything I want but in giving me Himself. But still, I ache with the unfulfilled yearning for children.

Roaming

Thanks again to all who are praying for Aaron's dad. We had a good visit in West Virginia. John ended up staying in the hospital through Sunday, and now he's recovering at home. I'm sure he and Carolyn (Aaron's mom) would appreciate ongoing prayers for endurance during the long recovery (6-8 weeks). We're grateful!

On an entirely different note...

We leave a week from today for a vacation with my family - in Hawaii! None of us has ever been to Hawaii, so we're very excited. We're staying on the big island, in Waikoloa. After browsing through a travel guide, we have some good ideas of what we want to do (besides relax on the beach, of course!). But I'd like to throw it out to you, Internet: does anyone have recommendations for things to see and do on the big island? Suggest places to eat, too; we love food! We planned this vacation almost two years ago; I can't believe we fly out next week!

Going to WV

We're heading out to West Virginia to spend the weekend with Aaron's family. John seems to be recovering quite well; it looks like he'll be dismissed from the hospital tomorrow, several days earlier than we were told. Thank you for all of your prayers for him and for the family. Please pray that we would have safe travel this weekend and that we would be able to serve Aaron's parents during our time with them. Thanks!

Pray for Aaron's Dad *updated*

I'd like to ask you all to pray for my father-in-law, John. He is currently having emergency open-heart surgery to bypass five blocked arteries (the blockages were just discovered this morning and the doctors needed to operate immediately). They began the operation earlier this afternoon and don't expect to be done until late tonight. It has caught the entire family by surprise and shaken everyone. Please pray that John will be sustained through the surgery and that the procedure would be a success. Please also pray for Aaron's mom, Carolyn, and for the whole family to have peace. We're grateful that God has preserved John's life and allowed these blockages to be found before any sort of heart attack occurred, but we're also all tempted to be anxious. I will update here as soon as we hear more news. Thanks for praying; I feel privileged that I can marshal so many people to pray all at once on this dear man's behalf!

*UPDATE*
We just got the call that Aaron's dad is out of surgery, much sooner than expected. He ended up "only" having quadruple bypass surgery (instead of bypassing five arteries as doctors originally thought was needed). Carolyn will get to see him in recovery soon. John will have a four to five day stay at the hospital, and then a long recovery at home. We'd appreciate your prayers for his continued health!

Fifth Doc's a Charm (Bullet Style)

Positive

• RE #5 is an affable, grandfatherly man; henceforth, he shall be known as Dr. Werthers.
• Dr. Werthers called our religious convictions about not freezing or discarding embryos "laudable."
• Dr. Werthers also seems to have a subtle, sarcastic sense of humor. I never knew for certain if he was joking or not, but he peppered his remarks with little asides (with his nurse as straight man). For example, while running through my history of doctors, he said something to his nurse about how many women like Dr. [Ego], how Dr. [Ego] is very handsome and knows it.
• Speaking of the nurse, she also seems caring and personable.
• The intake questionnaire, consultation, and exam were far more thorough than the other two clincics' were; my appointment lasted at least an hour and a half (not including time in the waiting room before the appointment even started).
• Dr. Werthers actually engaged in dialogue and took my opinions and preferences seriously.
• The doctor and nurse are hopeful that we can do egg freezing in conjunction with IVF and will do all they can to get insurance approval.
  

Not-So-Positive

• During the ultrasound exam, Dr. Werthers saw what could be a fibroid in my uterus. He'll look into it further once he has seen my X-ray films from last year's HSG.
• Every doctor I've seen now has offered a different explanation for our infertility. Dr. Peppy attributed it to a luteal phase defect. Dr. Owlish called it unexplained, possibly caused by mild endometriosis. The possibilities Dr. Werthers threw out: PCOS (!?... I have none of the normal indications for that), elevated male hormones (!? again... not exactly what a girl wants to hear), this potential fibroid, poor egg quality, etc. Now I know he's just brainstorming and wouldn't actually diagnose any of those things without further testing; but still, it doesn't inspire confidence that no doctor has agreed about the reason we can't conceive.
• Dr. Werthers still recommends transferring no more than two embryos for a woman my age, even with our history of failed IVF. He'll study our previous embryology reports, but his initial recommendation is to fertilize 3-5 eggs and then make a decision about how many to transfer based on embryo quality. We'll have to keep negotiating to find the right balance between being cautious (no, I don't want octuplets) and aggressive (I don't want to squander our remaining 2 IVF cycles, so I want to fertilize more eggs, but we are firm about transferring all living embryos).
  

What's Next

• Track down remaining records to fax to Dr. Werther (embryology lab reports, HSG X-ray films, most recent semen analysis).
• After they review those records, the nurse will call about any further testing needed.
• Figure out if egg cryopreservation is a viable option (will insurance cover the IVF cycle that yields the eggs? how much would we have to pay for cryopreservation and subsequent fertilization and transfer?).
• Do IVF, possibly adding heparin as a can't-hurt-might-help medication.
  

Chicken Roulades with Sage and Bacon

I haven't posted any recipes in a while, so here's one for your weekend enjoyment! I adapted this from a recipe in The Silver Spoon.

Chicken Roulades with Sage and Bacon

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 tsp dried rubbed sage*
8 strips bacon
2 tbsp olive oil
salt & pepper

Cut each chicken breast in half, then pound to about 1/2" thick (place the chicken inside a plastic bag or between two sheets of wax paper to keep from splattering). Lightly sprinkle sage on one side of each chicken breast half; season with salt and pepper. Roll up each piece of chicken, and wrap one slice of bacon around each roll. Heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat. Place the roulades in the skillet so that the ends of the bacon are on the bottom. Cook, turning every 2 minutes, until browned all over. Cover and cook over medium-low heat for about 20 minutes, adding 1 tbsp hot water if skillet gets too dry.

*The sage has a strong taste; sprinkle sparsely, as you need less than you think. You might need slightly less or more than 1/2 tsp.

Houston, We Have a Plan!

My sidebars are woefully out-of-date (new blogs and links need added, the reading list needs updating), but you might notice a change in the "Next Step" feature over there on the left. That's right, I've scheduled a consultation with my fifth RE for February 9. Back when we first started trying to get pregnant, I certainly never thought we'd be sitting here four years, seven IUIs, two IVFs, and five reproductive endocrinologists later...

Over the past few months, we've been weighing our options and being weighed down by them. IVF, donor embryos, adoption in some form, stepping away from active family building for a while - if you spin out all the variables, we had about six or seven possibilities on the table. When people have asked us how to pray, we solicited prayer for discernment among all the choices and unity in whatever decision we made.

A little over a week ago, those prayers were answered. During a dinner date, we talked over the options and felt no closer to decision or action. We left to go home; I got into the car while Aaron brushed snow and scraped ice off of all the windows. As I sat in the passenger seating waiting, a sudden shift in thinking made the way clear. You see, we had essentially sorted the possibilities into two categories: the medical category (containing procedures covered by our insurance) and the adoption category (containing domestic or international adoption). Oh, and there was also a do-nothing category. Anyway, we have two more cycles covered by insurance, and we had been debating between doing fresh IVF or using donor embryos for a frozen embryo transfer (FET). The revelation on that date night was this: the donor embryo option really belonged in the adoption category, not the medical category. If the Lord leads us to adopt, then we can consider whether to adopt at the 100-cell stage, the newborn stage, or the todler stage. If we want to exhaust our insurance coverage, we ought to use it for IVF, our last realistic chance at biological children and a procedure that we could never afford without the insurance coverage. (FET costs quite a bit less than IVF, and if we choose to adopt, we'd be fund-raising for that regardless.) Looking at the options in that new light, Aaron and I both feel confident that our next step is to try IVF again.

That leads us to the consulation with RE #5, whom I'm hoping will work within our convictions and desires to fertilize a limited number of eggs (maybe six?) and transfer all the resulting viable embryos. This clinic (which I had called way back when we originally left the care of Dr. Peppy) seems more familiar with couples in our situation. They even have an egg-freezing program, which may not be a workable option for us but which at least indicates a degree of flexibility that I haven't seen with the last two doctors. Still, we won't know for sure until I've actually met with this doctor, so please pray that he will actually be amenable to our preferences. We're grateful for the prayers that brought us to this point and excited to have a plan of action again!

2009 minus 1980 equals

Today I turn 29. Aaron jokingly called it the age I'll be for the rest of my life. Truly, I hope that I'm never abashed by my age, that I never wail about getting old, that I never wistfully long to be in a different decade of my life. I want to live every year to its fullest, with joy and grace. But, I would really like to be a mom by 30. Please, God?




Aaron took me out to celebrate on Saturday. We went to a cozy French restaurant for lunch (tea, souffle, and crepes; yum!). Then he took me to pick out a Dutch oven; I've wanted one for ages, and we found a great deal on this one. I can't wait to cook with it!

I'm settling in for a quiet, low-key day now. Aaron, sadly, is out of town on an unavoidable business trip. It's my regular day off of work, but I do have some lesson-planning and grading to do for the homeschool co-op where I teach once a week. I slept in a little, then I made a tasty breakfast of steel-cut oatmeal with honey, cranberries, and pecans. I think I'll treat myself to a bath at some point, and I have a couple of presents from my parents to open. Aaron kept urging me to set up a lunch date with girlfriends or something, but a restful day at home appeals to me.

This morning, I read and meditated on Mark 8:34-36. I pray that this last year of my twenties would be one in which I learn to embrace my cross with greater faith, to deny myself and find the immeasurable gain of Christ and the gospel.

Lost in Translation

When Aaron and I started dating, I had fun discovering some of his unique, West Virginia style pronunciations. We laughed most together about the way he said, "color." He pronounced it the way most Americans say, "collar." We joked about the difficulties of being "collar-blind," as in, "I can't tell if you're wearing a turtleneck or a polo; I'm collar-blind." Though almost a decade in the Midwest has standardized Aaron's pronunciation of "color," we still giggle when we think about collar-blindness.

Aaron's mom, Carolyn, has lived all but a couple years of her life in West Virginia. She has an endearing accent, and I enjoy listening to catch all the variations. One of my favorites is any word ending in the letters, "ush," which she pronounces, "oosh." So "push" is "poosh," and "bush" is "boosh." That last particularly tickles me when Carolyn has talked politics over the last several years; I get a kick out of hearing her say the name of President "Boosh."

During our Christmas visit to West Virginia, I helped Carolyn do some last-minute shopping for one of Aaron's three sisters, Laurie. Aaron's younger sister, Rachel, was with us, too. Laurie had requested V-neck shirts in jewel tones, so Carolyn, Rachel and I browsed through a department store in search of the right kind of tops. I pointed out some bright button-up blouses to Rachel, thinking that leaving the top few buttons undone would create a V neckline. Rachel commented that she didn't think Laurie liked collared tops, since she had advised Aaron's oldest sister, Esther, not to wear polo shirts. I made a mental note and wandered over to see if Carolyn had found anything. When I reached her, she gestured towards a rack of vibrant blouses.

"What do you think of these?" she asked.

"Well," I replied, "they are pretty, but Rachel told me that Laurie doesn't like collars."

Carolyn turned and spoke vehemently. "Yes, she does! She asked for jewel tones!"

I blinked, startled at the non sequitur. Then it clicked. Gesturing with my hands as if grabbing imaginary lapels, I said, "No, collars. She doesn't like collars."

What Veronica's Brother-in-Law Said

Here's some recommended reading for you. Over at Toddled Dredge, Veronica's brother-in-law wrote a moving post about how suffering binds us to God. And when you're done, take time to read the entire Toddled Dredge Twelve Days of Christmas series; it's become an annual favorite for me. Rich stuff.

New Year

Welcome, day one of the new year. Welcome, day one of a new cycle. Welcome, day one of our fifth year of trying to conceive. Sigh.

During the Christmas season, I found myself mulling over this verse from "Joy to the World":

No more let sins or sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground.
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as the curse is found.

The curse is found right here in this broken body of mine, this frail flesh that can't create and carry life like it's intended to do. I've had four years of growing sorrow, four years of the stinging, prickly thorn of infertility. How I would dearly love for His blessings to flow in a reversal of my barrenness, for the Lord to say, "No more!" to this trial. I don't know if that will happen in 2009. But he has said, "No more!" to my sin, has turned my soul into a fruitful garden, and has given me every spiritual blessing in Christ. That's more than enough for a very happy day and happy new year.

Hiatus

Merry Christmas!

We leave today to spend a week in West Virginia with Aaron's family. I'll be taking a break from the series on battling bitterness while we're gone, but I'll resume when we get back home.

Battling Bitterness, Part 5

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).

Knowing that I am forgiven and chosen in love by God to be holy, I can seek to replace my bitter tendencies with other practices, as this passage in Colossians instructs. I can put on a compassionate heart that recognizes the struggles and challenges of those who tempt me to bitterness. I can consider how to show kindness toward those people, thinking of small or large acts that could bless them. I can cultivate humility, instead of the pride that is so quick to take offense because I think I deserve better treatment. I can respond with meekness, a quiet trust in God instead of a brazen assertion of my rights. I can exhibit patience, graciously enduring the failings of others because I know that I too fall short. It's helped me to take time to think of each of these traits and how I can apply them to each specific relationship where I struggle. How can I show compassion to this person? How can I be kind to that person?

All of the above - compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience - I can fool myself into thinking I can behave in those ways self-sufficiently. But the call in the latter part of the passage confronts me with my need for the Spirit to do a dramatic work in my heart. Compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience are worthless without love. It often feels impossible to truly love those against whom I have been cherishing bitterness. I have to cry out to God to give me love for those people. But my blood-bought peace with Christ calls me to the peace of Christ with others. And when that peace rules in my heart, when I am held in sway by the gospel, then I have the best source of love. These abstract (but not inconsequential!) thoughts get teeth in the last snippet of the passage: And be thankful. If, rather than rehearsing bitter complaints against certain individuals, I thank God for those people and even try to thank the people themselves for whatever I can, I will grow in love for them. Purposing to be grateful forces me to look for the good in people, which will weaken bitterness and water the seed of love.

Battling Bitterness, Part 4

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).

Bearing in mind the awesome blessing of being God's holy, chosen beloved, let's move on through this passage. The next part that really affected my thinking about bitterness was this: "if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other." Notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say, "If you think you have a complaint against another, just pretend it doesn't exist and ignore your wounds." It also doesn't say, "If you have a complaint against someone, forgive him when he has appropriately received punishment and groveled in repentance." God doesn't ask us to overlook injustice; we can acknowledge the fact that people do wrong us. But God doesn't want us to whine about, to take revenge on, or to hold a grudge against those who offend. He wants us to forgive freely and unconditionally. How is that possible? When someone hurts me in small ways over and over again, or when someone commits a staggering betrayal of me, where do I find the ability to forgive? "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." The Lord forgave me freely and unconditionally. "While we were still weak, Christ died for the ungodly ... while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:6,8). God didn't wait until I acknowledged him, until I got my act together and did the right things. No, when I was ignorant of the wrongs I had done to him, when I was willfully choosing sin, when I was offending and mocking him, he forgave me sacrificially and completely. And that's the kind of forgiveness he calls me to extend to people who injure me.

Battling Bitterness, Part 3

So now I knew where I stood. I was cherishing bitterness because I was functionally ignoring God's forgiveness and love. And I knew where I wanted to get. I wanted to revel in the gospel so deeply that I couldn't help but leave bitterness behind. I wanted grace instead of grudges. How would I get from Point A to Point B?

In the footnotes of that section of A Gospel Primer, the author referenced three Scripture passages that would become my route to renewal.

One of those passages came from Colossians 3 (more on the other two passages in a future post). I ended up spending some time over several weeks meditating on and memorizing the following verses:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Col. 3:12-15).

Before launching into application of these words, I found in them a reminder to stop and dwell in the astonishing mercy of God. There are seven words that at first glance seem like an inconsequential clause, a phrase to gloss over as you get to the business of the instructions at hand. But these seven words are the primary business, the basis of everything else in the passage. I was arrested by these seven words: "as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." God chose me to be his own before he even created the world (see Eph. 1:3-4). I am holy in Christ, and his Spirit sanctifies me. The Lord loves me, not because I am lovely or lovable, but because he has a great passion to claim sinners. Knowing that Jesus died to make me chosen, holy, and beloved, how much easier is it to put aside bitterness and love others?!

I'll stop there for now, but I'll share more of my meditations on Col. 3:12-15 soon.