1,822 Days Ago

This Friday, Aaron and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary.

We began dating on February 3, 2001. Although we both had imagined a spouse quite different than the other, we fell in love quickly and completely. During our courtship, we read Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets from the Portuguese together. Sonnet XXVI became "our" poem; a handwritten copy sits in a frame on our bedside table.

I lived with visions for my company,
Instead of men and women, years ago,
And found them gentle mates, nor thought to know
A sweeter music than they played to me.
But soon their trailing purple was not free
Of this world's dust, -- their lutes did silent grow,
And I myself grew faint and blind below
Their vanishing eyes. Then THOU didst come...to be,
Beloved, what they seemed. Their shining fronts,
Their songs, their splendours, (better, yet the same,
As river-water hallowed into fonts)
Met in thee, and from out thee overcame
My soul with satisfaction of all wants --
Because God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.

This week, I want to revel in God's best earthly gift to me - my beloved husband and a marriage that surpasses any youthful daydream.

The Purpose and Power of God in Marriage

At church this morning, the message addressed marriage again, this time out of Ephesians 5. God's purpose for marriage is set within the broader purpose explained in Eph. 1 as being "set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth" (v. 9-10) and to "put all things under [Christ's] feet and [give] him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all" (v. 22-22). Marriage is part of and a reflection of this universal purpose. Paul doesn't compare marriage to the relationship between Christ and the church because he was fishing around for a close analogy; marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ and the church. How do we participate in that purpose? Husbands lead with love, dying to themselves in order to spiritually nourish and wholeheartedly cherish their wives. Wives respond with respect, embracing the primary privilege of representing to a watching world how the bride of Christ responds to her Husband. The power that enables husbands and wives to pursue this purpose for marriage is first, the gospel - which turns our hearts from the gravitational pull to sin to focus on more than just what makes us selfishly happy - and second, the Holy Spirit. The section on marriage in Eph. 5 is prefaced by the command to "be filled with the Spirit, ... submitting to one another out of reverence to Christ." Our relationship in marriage is one outworking of that command, empowered by the Holy Spirit. (Side note from another recent teaching: the command to submit to one another is also elaborated for the relationships of parents & children - where we all agree that there a defined roles that don't get switched around depending on the personalities of the parties involved - and slaves & masters - "slavery" in the ancient world often being something voluntarily done to pay off a debt, and therefore more akin to modern employee-employer relationship than the type of slavery we think of from the American South, and again, this is not an arena where responsibilities get swapped.) The task that husbands and wives have in marriage is not easy, but we have the gospel and the Spirit to give us the grace we desperately need.

Aaron and I enjoyed a time of fellowship after hearing this message. We got to encourage each other for how we are doing well - Aaron for cherishing me with romantic gifts and surprises, nourishing me by fostering spiritual conversations, and leading me humbly by accepting guidance when I help him; me for respecting Aaron even when he is "not respectable" (his words, not mine!) in his sin, and for submitting my schedule to him. We also shared where we each think the other needs to grow (funnily enough, it was the same area!), and reminded each other that God will meet us as we seek to be less selfish.

Where are you all encouraged in your marriages? Share with your spouse first, but then please share with me; I'd love to learn from you!

Winter Lentil Soup (Now with Photo!)

The weather has turned cold and crisp, and that means I crave a lot of soup. I'll try to post a few favorite soup recipes this month. This one serves 4-5, but you can easily double it to feed a crowd.

2 leeks, white & light green parts only, rinsed well
1 bunch kale*
1 tbsp olive oil
1 14oz can diced tomatoes
3 cups water
1 sweet potato, peeled & cut into 1/2" dice
1/4 cup brown lentils
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
fresh basil leaves (optional)
Parmesan (optional)

Halve each leek lengthwise, then slice into 1/4" thick half-moons (about 1 1/2 cups). Remove the stems from the kale; slice the leaves into 1/2" wide strips (about 1 1/2 cups). Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add the leeks and cook for 3 minutes. Add the tomatoes (undrained) and water and bring to a boil. Stir in the kale, sweet potato, lentils, thyme, salt & pepper. Add basil leaves, if using. Simmer until the lentils are tender, about 30 minutes. (If you don't end up with enough broth for all the vegetables, just add more water.) Ladle into bowls and sprinkle with Parmesan (if using).

*I always have lots of extra kale, so I use the rest of the bunch in another soup recipe.

Things Besides My Reproductive System That Are Broken

Thing the First - Aaron's Car

My cell phone trilled out Aaron's ring tone shortly after my alarm went off at 6:45 a.m. on Wednesday. He wasn't calling just to chat on his commute to work; no, his car had broken down - just stopped working while he was driving! Thankfully, he was still close to home and on neighborhood roads, not yet on the interstate. We're waiting on an estimate and wondering if a 13-year-old car with 206,000 miles is worth repairing.

Thing the Second - My Spine!

I think I mentioned before that we're considering some alternative medicine to complement our infertility treatments. A friend (who has experience infertility) gave me a coupon for a free diagnostic work-up at her chiropractor. On Wednesday evening, I had an appointment to go over my scans and X-rays. Y'all, my spine is really messed up! (For some reason, I felt that needed the emphasis of a Southern address.) My lower back crooks where it should run straight. My neck is straight where it should curve. I carry 23 more pounds of weight on my left side than my right. The chiropractor recommended 72(!) adjustments. (To give you a comparison, the friend who referred me only had 18 adjustments recommended to her.) I don't know if I can get insurance to cover it; if not, I guess my back will just have to stay deformed.

Wednesday sure packed in the crazy!

Wasted. Or Not.

Thank you all for your kind comments on yesterday's post; your thoughtful words lifted me up. While still bewildered about where to turn next in our efforts to grow a family, I took some comfort in the chapter I "happened" to read this morning in Knowing God by J.I. Packer. (Please bear with the lengthy excerpt.)

Here is another cause of deep perplexity for Christian people. They have sought guidance and believe it has been given. They have set off along the road which God seemed to indicate. And now, as a direct result, they have run into a crop of new problems which otherwise would not have arisen... At once they grow anxious. Is their own present experience of the rough side of life (they ask themselves) a sign from God that they are off track?
It may be so, and the wise person will take occasion from his new troubles to check his original guidance very carefully. Trouble should always be treated as a call to consider one's ways. But trouble is not necessarily a sign of being off track at all; for as the Bible declares in general that "many are the afflictions of the righteous" (Ps 34:19 KJV), so it teaches in particular that following God's guidance regularly leads to upsets and distresses which one would otherwise have escaped.
[L]ook at the life of the Lord Jesus himself. No human life has ever been so completely guided by God, and no human being has ever qualified so comprehensively for the description "a man of sorrows."
By every human standard of reckoning, the cross was a waste - the waste of a young life, a prophet's influence, a leader's potential. We know the secret of its meaning an achievement only from God's own statements. Similarly, the Christian's guided life may appear as a waste. Nor does God always tell us the why and wherefore of the frustrations and losses which are part and parcel of the guided life (pp. 239-240).

I can be plagued by doubts about the choices that led to this point in our infertility. We thought God led us to defer starting our family for a couple years so that I would be able to stay at home; what if those years in our early 20s were our only window to conceive? We thought God led us to pursue specific infertility treatments in a certain way; would we have had a better chance of getting pregnant by eschewing those medical interventions altogether? Everything up to this point may appear like a waste to me right now, but God has guided and he keeps us on his track. How can I fail to trust the Lord Jesus who "wasted" his life to save my soul?

Reality Check

We visited the new RE at the Fertility Institute at Posh Hospital today. We decided to go there because the new OB-GYN recommended them, because we thought they might do more thorough testing, because they are most conveniently located, because they have really high lab ratings, and because they were spoken highly of on the IVF Connections boards. For today's initial consult with Dr. Yet-to-be-nicknamed, I brought a sizable stack of medical charts from all our previous fertility tests and treatments. After he read through them all, Dr. YTBN sat down with Aaron and I in the office and said, "I don't really understand why you're not pregnant yet." Like us, he felt that with such easily treatable problems (low progesterone, mainly), it is strange that none of our IUIs or IVFs would have resulted in pregnancy. He suggested two possible courses of action to us. One, we take a step back to reevaluate and we try a few IUIs with FSH injections. If we do that, he would want to first do an X-ray to confirm that my tubes really are clear (I guess the saline sonogram I had done is not completely accurate for examining the fallopian tubes, even if the fluid is seen to spill out the ends). The other option would be to continue with IVF - but he says that option only makes sense for us if we are willing to freeze embryos.

He was completely sympathetic to our concerns about respecting human life, but he thought that we did not have all the information we needed to make our decision about that issue. He then went on to explain that even in a young, healthy woman, only one out of five eggs has a full set of correct chromosomes. The other four may fertilize and have the necessary chromosomes to grow to blastocysts, but they will not grow and survive beyond that. With those odds, he said, our previous practice of fertilizing just four eggs had almost no chance of resulting in a pregnancy. He asked how many children we want to have, and we said as many as the Lord gives us and that, before infertility struck, we imagined having four or more. In light of that, he suggested that we fertilize as many eggs as we can, transfer two embryos, freeze the rest, and then transfer them all back a couple at a time.

We like Dr. YTBN; he seems incredibly intelligent, but very mild-mannered and compassionate. We appreciate that he was very up-front with us and gave us the facts. That said, I left the appointment feeling very discouraged. I approached this consultation with cautious optimism, hoping that we would get a new perspective and direction that might turn our infertility treatments toward success. In the end, it seemed like we had moved farther away from the possibility of having children, not closer. It feels like the past two years of treatment have been a waste, like we never really had a chance of conceiving at all. We had been told that our odds for IVF, even with fertilizing only four eggs, were around 50%; Dr. YTBN said that with those limitations the chances of success are really more like 15% - no better than an IUI, and less than the average couple trying to conceive on their own. We have had such strong convictions against freezing embryos, and now we're being told that unless we're willing to do that we should forgo IVF altogether. We want to see if Dr. YTBN's facts check out (especially about only one in five eggs being chromosomally normal), and we will re-examine our practice of IVF in light of the new information, but we of course will not go against our conscience. Nothing has to be decided right away, thankfully. Deep down, I know that God is sovereign over all that has happened in our efforts to conceive up to this point, but right now I'm worrying that we've missed our chance. I thought we were heading in the right direction, medically, and now I've been told that we had the wrong map.

NIAW: My Story Project*

When I signed up for health insurance with my job, I looked with some interest at the maternity coverage. I figured it wouldn't be too long before my husband and I would want to start a family, so I was pleased to see that we could expect very few out-of-pocket costs for prenatal visits and for labor and delivery. It never crossed my mind to check the insurance policy for infertility coverage. When we neared the one-year mark in our attempts to conceive a child, I went back to that insurance booklet to discover - to my surprise and delight - that our HMO provided coverage for all the diagnostic procedures, medicines, and treatments for infertility (excluding those still deemed experimental). I later found out that this wasn't just the luck of the insurance draw, but that my state mandates insurance coverage for infertility - up to four IVF attempts for a first child, plus an additional two attempts for a second child.

Without insurance, we could not have pursued medical treatment of our infertility. I am so grateful that we have not had to face financial pressures on top of the emotional, physical, marital, and spiritual difficulties that pile on month after month of failing to conceive. As a young couple fresh out of college, we already had a load of debt from school and car loans. A loan for the purpose of building our family would have been, sadly, unthinkable. Thankfully, the Illinois laws that mandate insurance coverage for infertility meant that we could freely pursue the medical options before us. I remember getting the large box of injections and pills for our first IVF attempt and noting with relief that we only had to pay about 10% of the $2000 price tag. Though we have not achieved pregnancy through the IUIs or IVFs we have done so far, we have hope for our remaining two insurance-covered IVF cycles. And at least the multiple negative results of the past two years have not carried the added injury of costly invoices.

So many people in so many different life situations face infertility. The media tends to focus on women at the end of their fertile years who suddenly realize that their child-bearing years are drawing to an end. The implication is that those women made choices to pursue things other than children and now are reaping their reward. But infertility is not something anyone chooses. We certainly did not. We began trying to conceive when we were each 25 years old, only a couple years into our marriage. We wanted (and still want) to be young parents, and we want our parents to be able to actively enjoy their grandchildren. Medical problems have postponed the start of our family, but insurance coverage means that the dream might still come true.

*Flicka and Melissa have asked infertility bloggers to share their experiences of infertility and insurance coverage during NIAW; this is my contribution to the project.

NIAW

Yesterday kicked off National Infertility Awareness Week. Here are a few informative tidbits:

- Medically speaking, infertility is the inability to conceive after a year of unprotected intercourse; infertility is also diagnosed if a woman has multiple miscarriages.

- Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population.

- About 35% of infertility cases are due female problems; about 35% are due to male problems. Approximately 20% involve both male and female factors, and 10% of infertility cases have no known explanation.

- The varied causes that contribute to infertility include: endometriosis, structural abnormalities in the reproductive system, weak or no ovulation, thyroid imbalances, low sperm counts, sperm with poor motility or morphology, immune issues, blood clotting disorders, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and more. (This is why stories about your best friend's second cousin who finally got pregnant after seven years aren't helpful; the underlying reasons may be wildly different, so such stories don't provide any realistic encouragement.)

- Patients undergoing infertility treatments have been found to have rates of depression similar to those facing AIDS or cancer.

If you'd like to learn more about infertility, you can visit the website of the national fertility organization RESOLVE. They have a helpful section for family and friends of those who are having trouble conceiving, including articles like "How Can I Help?" and "Don't Tell Them to Relax (or What Not to Say)." They capture the experience of infertility pretty well (although some discernment is needed about the best Christian response). While I don't want to make infertility the issue that defines my life - that function belongs only to the gospel of Christ - this week seems like a good time to highlight the broader impact of this particular concern.

I'd also like to take the opportunity afforded by NIAW to thank all of my fertile friends who have been so supportive and compassionate during these past years. Though you may not understand all of the heartache, you have been so thoughtful and sympathetic and encouraging. I know you don't always know what to say, but you have all been so sensitive. I have rarely been the recipient of thoughtless, hurtful comments about infertility, and I am so grateful to such gracious friends!

Different by Design

The message at church this morning addressed a topic that has featured significantly in my thinking as a Christian woman - God's design for gender. Gender issues are not the gospel, so I do try not to make them the focus of my Christian life. But what we believe about gender has a lot of practical influence on our daily living, and the Bible has much to say about who we are as men and women. What Scripture teaches about gender generates controversy, and I've been on both sides of the debate at various times. I'll share my notes from today's sermon, and then I'll add a bit of my own story and perspective at the end.

According to God's Word, men and women have equal value and dignity before God. We share the privilege of being God's image-bearers (Gen. 1:27). Every discussion about gender difference must start with an assertion of our absolute equality. Along with our equality, we also have differences as men and women. Scripture particularly describes the different roles we have in marriage. God established these roles as part of his created order - not as a result of the fall. The Genesis account indicates this in several ways: the order of creation (man first, then woman - re-emphasized in 1 Tim. 2:12-13), the man's naming of woman (the role of naming carried a degree of authority), the primary accountability of the man (Adam is the first one held responsible for Eve's sin, although she bears responsibility, too), the purpose of creation (Eve made a helper for Adam, not vice versa), and the distortion and restoration of our differences (compare the curse in Gen. 3:16 to the warning to Cain in Gen. 4:7). The Biblical ideal for the husband is loving, humble leadership; because of sin, men are prone to errors of passivity - being shirkers - or errors of aggression - being tyrants. The Biblical ideal for the wife is joyful, intelligent submission; because of sin women are prone to errors of passivity - being doormats - or errors of aggression - being usurpers. The equality and the difference in gender reflect the equality and the differences of the Trinity (1 Cor. 11:3), where headship and submission have existed for eternity. If we dislike these things, we dislike something about the very nature of God. We can glorify God by gladly embracing the wisdom and beauty of his good design.

This teaching about gender helped me as I continue to clarify my thinking about my role as a woman and as a wife. As a teen, I took the traditional roles for granted but began to question how I fit in as a young lady always being praised for her "leadership" gift. In college, I sought and bought into a lot of teaching about evangelical feminism. But as Aaron and I prepared for marriage, I found myself confronted by a biblical text that I could not explain away as cultural or historical or part of the fall - the teaching in Ephesians 5 about husbands and wives relating to each other as a reflection of Christ and the church. Christ heads the church, and the church submits to Christ. That relationship is eternal, unchanging with culture, never to be inverted so that Christ would sometimes submit to the church. So although I still had a lot of questions about how the roles would work out practically in our marriage, I felt convicted that I needed to embrace my God-given role as a wife who submits to her husband. Looking back, I can see that most of my reluctance to the biblical teaching about gender stemmed from two fears: one, that as a woman I would be seen as inferior, and two, that my gifts and talents would be squandered or squelched if I took on the "traditional" role. I've learned that being my husband's helper does neither of those things. The fact that Aaron needs my help doesn't mean I have a lesser part; I get the privilege of using my abilities to their fullest in service to my best friend and love. It doesn't matter which one of us is naturally better at any one thing; we are each equal before God, and we are each given certain responsibilities by God. We serve each other - him by humbly leading, and me by joyfully helping. We're both growing in these roles, and we're reaping the benefits of the Lord's design for gender equality and difference.

I know there are probably a lot of different perspectives about this issue among you blog readers. Where do you stand? What from the teaching I summarized (in paragraph two) stood out to you?

Guacamole

I'm a big fan of guacamole, and this is the best recipe I've found. We're bringing about a triple batch of this to a party this afternoon, so I thought I'd go ahead and post the recipe today!

4 ripe avocados
2-4 Roma tomatoes, diced
1/8-1/4 cup chopped red onion
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 lime
1 tsp oregano
salt & pepper

Peel & pit avocados; mash in a medium bowl. Add diced tomato, red onion, garlic & oregano. Squeeze lime juice over avocado mixture, season to taste with salt & pepper. Stir and serve immediately.

Mackinac Pics

our room at Bay View

on the streets of Mackinac

Arch Rock

all dressed up for a night of ballroom dance
(didn't my husband buy me a pretty dress?)

These aren't all our Mackinac pictures, but the rest are - ready for this? - on a roll of film that we haven't finished and developed yet. Yes, we still use one of those old-fangled film cameras. We've been saying that we'll buy a nice digital camera once we have kids, but maybe it's time to stop hinging our move into the modern photography era on that clause, huh?

Mackinac Island

A couple weekends ago, we had an absolutely lovely time celebrating our fifth anniversary a little early with a trip to Mackinac Island. We started the drive up to Michigan on a Thursday evening and stayed with my Aunt Judy in Holland, MI, that night. It was a treat to see her, and she spoiled us with banket (a favorite Dutch pastry) for dessert AND breakfast. On Friday morning, we visited my 98-year-old Grandpa and my grandma Ruth. Grandpa and Ruth were both widowed before they married each other, and they just celebrated their 24th anniversary; can you imagine re-marrying in your 70's and then being married for more than 20 years?! After looking at a bunch of Grandpa's fishing and hunting pictures, we left to finish the drive up to Mackinac.

Mackinac Island sits in the waters where Lake Michigan and Lake Huron meet, between the lower and upper peninsulas of Michigan. We saw some gorgeous fall colors on the trees as we drove north - vivid reds, lively oranges, and bright yellows, especially beautiful contrasted with the white trunks of the birch trees. The colors were a little past peak on the island itself, but we still got to enjoy a lot of pretty yellows and browns. From the highest elevation on the island, we had splendid views of colorful leaves and vast blue waters.

My husband spoiled me with all kinds of gifts for the weekend. Before we left, he let me buy a new dress that cost a lot more than I would usually spend. Then he gave me two new CDs to enjoy on the drive - Overdressed by Caedmon's Call and The Trumpet Child by Over the Rhine. When we arrived at our bed and breakfast, he surprised me with some bubble bath, massage oil, and a neck pillow. We had just talked about a month before about how I would like him to grow in creativity and initiative when it comes to romance, so I was very blessed by all the loving and thoughtful gifts!

We stayed at the Bay View Bed and Breakfast (which was really more like an inn, but still lovely). We brought movies and books along and spent a lot of time relaxing together in our cozy room, enjoying the special Bay View blend coffee that was always available. We took a carriage tour of the island one day, and we biked all around it the next. (Mackinac doesn't allow any motorized vehicles on the island, so all transportation is by horse or bike.) On Saturday night, we attended a ballroom dance at the Grand Hotel. We've taken a few lessons and feel confident with basic foxtrot, waltz, cha cha, and swing steps, but we were way out of our league with this crowd! Still, it was a joy to dance together and to try to pick up a few new moves by watching the near-professionals on the floor. It made us both want to take more lessons!

The long weekend on Mackinac Island was so restful; the pace of life is so much slower there. What a blessing to spend almost five days of peaceful, uninterrupted time with my dear husband!

(I'll post pictures tomorrow; that way I can fill up another day for NaBloPoMo!)

I might be crazy...

...but I'm going to attempt NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) this November. If all goes according to plan, expect to see a lot more of me 'round these parts!

Creamy Chicken Enchiladas

This chicken enchilada recipe, which I've gradually modified over the years to its current state, is one of our favorites:

• 1 can cream of chicken soup
• 1 cup sour cream
• 2-3 cups cooked, shredded chicken
• 1 small can diced green chiles
• 2-3 cups shredded cheese (Mexican blend or Colby Jack work well)
• 8-10 flour tortillas (8")
• 1 can of your favorite enchilada sauce
  

Preheat oven to 350F. In a medium pot, combine cream of chicken soup, sour cream, cooked chicken, and green chiles. Stir over medium heat until combined and warmed through; remove from heat. Spoon a bit of the mixture (in a line, just off center) onto a tortilla; sprinkle cheese on top of the mixture. Roll up the tortilla and place, seam side down, into a 9x13 baking pan. Repeat with remaining tortillas. Pour enchilada sauce over the top; spread, if necessary, to cover tortillas completely. Sprinkle cheese on top and bake for 30 minutes, until cheese is golden. (If you like a crispier cheese topping, broil enchiladas for a couple minutes at the end of cooking time.)

If I have extra chicken mixture after I've filled all the tortillas, I spread it over the top before I pour on the enchilada sauce. Sometimes I substitute green onions for the green chiles (sprinkle a few green onions on top for a pretty garnish). If I'm serving a larger crowd, I just use an extra can of cream of chicken soup to make more filling.

Mmmm, I'll definitely be making these for dinner tonight!

Desperate (Biblical, Infertile) Housewives

A reader recently e-mailed me this thought-provoking question: "Do you wish that you had fertilized more eggs and frozen [the resulting embryos]?" The answer to that is a qualified yes and a resounding no.

The failure of two IVFs certainly does leave one questioning the methods. If we had fertilized more eggs, would I be pregnant by now? Maybe. Would we have gotten two embryo transfers for the price of one (or four for the price of two, as the case would have it)? Most likely. Is it tempting to pursue a different course, to fertilize as many eggs as I can produce in one go? Sure. It's tempting because my idolatrous heart wants pregnancy and children at any cost, thinking that a cuddly baby (or two, or three) would be more satisfying that the joy of loving my Savior through obedience. But by God's grace, that temptation to play willy-nilly with little few-celled human lives in pursuit of my dreams is kept in check by convictions about what God has to say about life and about his sovereignty and goodness.

My reader's question dovetailed neatly with some of my recent musings during my devotional reading. Our pastors have recently begun teaching through the book of Genesis, so I'm taking some time to read a couple chapters in Genesis each morning. It's an interesting read for an infertile. Sarah - barren. Rebekah - barren. Rachel - barren. Of Rebekah's struggle we don't know much, other than the poignant statement that she conceived after her husband prayed for her (Gen. 25:21). (And then she went on to have twins. I can just imagine the comments; "Ooh, twins! Do they run in your family, or did you use mandrakes?") Sarah, desperate to find her own way to fulfill God's promise to make a people from Abraham's descendants, convinced her husband to impregnate her servant girl. Ditto Rachel, who was caught up in a jealous battle with her sister. I used to read these accounts and scoff at the crazy lengths these women would go to for the sake of having children. Then came my own infertility and an increased sympathy for these biblical characters (and a gratitude to God for including their struggles in his inspired word!). But still, their methods seemed a bit baffling. Sharing your husband with another woman just to have a child to which you'd have a very dubious claim? I would never do that! And yet in moments dank and grim, I wonder how I'd look to them*. During this recent reading of Genesis, God has allowed me to see more of my own heart in these ancient women. To my modern mind, the ways that Sarah and Rachel fought against infertility in their polygamous society seem so obviously wrong. To them, I'm sure all of our contemporary assisted reproductive technologies would seem bewildering and unthinkable. The culture is different, the methods are different, but here's the thing: The hearts that desperately desire children, the hearts that are deceitful above all things, those hearts are the same. Those hearts need a perspective of grace to see that the fact that nothing else seems to work does not make it right to go against God's standards in the quest to attain the blessing of children. When I consider what steps to take next, now that two IVFs have failed, I want to remember my early sisters and to see that I am just as capable of the same sinful desperation. In a culture where ART is normal and acceptable, I want to beg for God's mercy to keep me adhering to his principles - particularly the sanctity of human life and of marriage - in the face of the array of options.

So do I wish that we had fertilized more eggs and frozen embryos? Ultimately, no. God has given us convictions that freezing embryos would presume upon the future and would be disrespectful to life made in his image. We might change our IVF protocol, we might pursue different ways and means of having children, but we will keep seeking to trust that God's ways are best. He has laid down principles for my good and for his glory, and I have no regrets in following those.

*Thanks, Mr. Nash. And thanks, Dad, for frequently quoting his poetry to me.

UP, UP and Away

In just minutes, we're heading up for a weekend getaway to Mackinac Island and the UP (upper peninsula) of Michigan. Yippee!

A few weekends ago, we went apple-picking with family at a local orchard. Here are some photos of Aaron and me, our nephews, and our neice:*



And here is a link to the yummy apple crisp that I made with the apples we picked.

Enjoy your weekend!

*I don't know why this text turned into a hyperlink, and I don't have time to fix it. Oh well...

Three Cheers for the New OB-GYN

The appointment with the new OB-GYN went really, really well. This doctor seemed pretty knowledgeable about infertility, for someone who's not a specialist. He knew that the diagnosis of a luteal phase defect has become suspect in medical circles recently. He talked with me about how important it is to find a good RE (one who "won't sell you snake oil," he said) when you have so much invested emotionally, physically, and financially. He didn't treat me as though I am ignorant but assumed a mutual familiarity with the tests and treatments as we discussed those topics. A doctor who understands how difficult infertility is and who respects his patient's opinions and intelligence - gasp!

He gave me some helpful thoughts about the options before us in getting a referral to a new RE. Although he said he respects Dr. Peppy as a doctor, he did seem to question how little testing she had done before launching us into treatments. He highly recommended the doctors at the Fertility Institute at Posh Hospital; because he does not know anything about the doctors at Oh Baby Fertility Center, he was unable to recommend them. I browsed the IVF Connection boards (thanks to the commenter who pointed me that way!) to see what people had to say about Posh Hospital and Oh Baby; many people raved about Posh Hospital, while only one or two people commented about Oh Baby. It sounds like Posh Hospital does very thorough testing, which appeals to us right now. So we're leaning that way, but we're still thinking and praying. The new OB-GYN said that he'd write an open referral and that we could call anytime to finalize it with whatever RE we choose. Keep the poll votes coming in (and I think you can change your vote if you want to do so based on the new information), and I'll let you know what we decide.

Rejoicing with the Shiny, Happy People

Carolyn McCulley offers an excellent article on rejoicing with those who receive blessings that you want. To whet your appetite:

At the mall, you spot a former classmate — and her conspicuous baby bump. Another baby shower invitation lurks in your future.

You? You still wait. And wait.

At first, waiting is hard. Hope lurks around the corner of every new situation. But experience eventually confers a steely resignation. It doesn't even feel good to cry anymore. Self-pity has lost its allure.

Then, the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit breaks into your grey fog of dashed hopes. In a heart filled with unexpectant apathy, these gentle words bubble up in the first moments of waking: "Rejoice with those who rejoice."

Impossible, you think drowsily. I need to withdraw from those happy, shiny people. That's how I manage it, this guarding my heart. Opening your eyes, anger surges over the first light of the day. God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible.

Ah, but it is possible, you know. It's not only possible, it's a biblical command. A command, however, that is wrapped in grace and sprinkled with hope. (Read more...)

Doctor, Doctor! Doctor, Doctor?

On Thursday, I have an appointment with my new OB-GYN. (Remember that insurance change I mentioned before?) The appointment will be a consultation to discuss renewing my referral to an infertility specialist. I've been doing a lot of research to prepare for this appointment, because we're thinking about making some changes before we pursue our last two insurance-covered IVF cycles. We're considering adding a little alternative medicine into the mix - maybe acupuncture, maybe chiropractic care, maybe professional massage, or maybe some combination. I've been educating myself on those options, and I plan to ask the new doctor what his opinion is of the effectiveness of those things in conjunction with ART (assisted reproductive technologies). We're also strongly considering asking for a referral to a different fertility center. Initially, I really wanted to stick with Dr. Peppy and the folks at her network of clinics; despite the insurance changes, I wanted the comfort of the familiar. But this post about the importance of comparing success rates at local clinics spurred me to do a little research. I had looked at the SART reports for Dr. Peppy et al before, and they seemed pretty decent. With my new-found motivation, I looked at the reports again and this time compared them with other nearby clinics. I found three other clinics here in the western suburbs of Chicago with better success rates! I called all three to ask two main questions: (1) do you take our insurance? (2) are you willing to work within our Christian ethical constraints (fertilizing only a few eggs, transferring all viable embryos, freezing/discarding none)? Only one did not work with our insurance, and the two remaining both said they'd accommodate our beliefs. At my consultation on Thursday, I plan to ask the new OB-GYN what he knows about these clinics and their doctors, to find out which is best in his opinion. We'll get a new referral from there. Here's the break-down of the options (using 2005 data, the most recent available):

Dr. Peppy et al
Total cycles: 2,270
Number of cycles* for patients <35: 802
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births (<35): 36%
Proven in the past to be willing to work with our ethical concerns, albeit somewhat grudgingly.

The Fertility Institute at Posh Hospital
Total cycles: 535
Number of cycles (<35): 160
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births (<35): 47.8%
Said they would definitely work with our ethical concerns

Oh Baby Fertility Center
Total cycles: 158
Number of cycles (<35): 58
Percentage of transfers resulting in live births (<35): 55.3%
When I explained that we were Christians and detailed our ethical concerns, the staff person enthusiastically said they would work with us and went on to say that they can, to avoid putting any "life" (her word!) in danger, freeze unfertilized eggs to be thawed and fertilized for later cycles.

What do you think? On one hand, it would be nice to stick with a clinic that already knows me; on the other hand, it might be beneficial to get fresh eyes on our treatment. Changing practices could cause some delays if we needed to redo diagnostic tests, but maybe we ought to have those tests redone anyway since it has been almost two years since we did them. I like how much experience Dr. Peppy's group have (they have done so many cycles!), but their success rates are lower. Posh Hospital seems like a good middle ground, with a significant number of total cycles and higher success rates. Oh Baby hasn't done that many cycles, comparatively, but they have a fabulous success rate and I really liked the response I got to my questions. Then there's the factor of location; it's not a big deal most of the time, but something conveniently nearby is significant during the spate of daily appointments. Dr. Peppy's office is a 20 minute drive, but retrieval and transfer must be done in downtown Chicago (one-and-a-half hour drive). Posh Hospital is so close I could bike there (though that's probably not advisable with loaded ovaries!), and all monitoring, retrieval, and transfer are done at the same site. Oh Baby is probably 20-25 minutes away. So, leave your thoughts in the comments, and then - are you ready for this interactivity?! - cast a vote on the poll in the sidebar to the right. We won't necessarily go with the poll winner, but I'm curious to get input from all of you.

*cycles = IVF done with fresh embryos (not frozen) using the patient's own eggs (not donor)

Pumpkin Bars

A few ladies have requested this recipe* lately. This favorite dessert has lots of yummy fall flavor, but I keep the ingredients on hand year round!

Pumpkin Bars

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 3/4 tsp ginger
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg
• 1/8 tsp allspice
• 1/8 tsp cloves
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 3/4 tsp salt
• 2 sticks butter (room temperature)
• 1 1/4 cups sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup canned pumpkin puree (freeze the remaining puree for later use)
• 12 oz semisweet chocolate chips
  

Preheat oven to 350F. Line bottom and sides of a 9x13 baking pan with foil, leaving an overhand on all sides. (Andrea's tip: with your pan upside-down, mold the foil over the bottom, then flip the pan over and drop the foil in.) In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, spices, baking soda, & salt; set aside. With an electric mixer, cream butter & sugar; beat in egg & vanilla. Beat in pumpkin puree (mixture may appear curdled). Mix in dry ingredients until just combined. Fold in chocolate chips. Spread batter in pan. Bake until edges begin to pull away from sides of pan and a toothpick inserted in center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached, 35-40 min. Cool completely in pan. Lift cake from pan, using foil as an aid. Peel off foil, and cut into squares with a serrated knife.

Yum!

*I'd like to start posting recipes more regularly; I'll aim for once a week.