I've scheduled my laparoscopy. Those four words don't adequately convey the cringing emotion behind them. Those four words mean that I started a new cycle* this past weekend; no miraculous intervention occurred to prevent the need for the laparoscopy. I've asked for faith that God can restore my fertility, but I have to remind myself that he is not bound to do so, that he is able and good even though he has not chosen to heal me at this time. I will have the laparoscopy on February 29. I find myself full of fear - fear of the unknown quantity of the surgery itself (how strange to go under anesthesia not knowing what the result will be when I wake up), fear of what the doctor will find, fear of the long term implications if the fallopian tube gets removed or if endometriosis or something similarly serious is discovered, fear that this laparoscopy will deliver the final blow to my hope of conceiving and giving birth to children. I know my fear reveals that I do not fully place my trust in God's total rule and steadfast love, so between now and the last day of February I plan to do battle against my fear, by God's grace. "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Rom. 8:6).
*Last month, I charted my cycle for the first time since starting fertility treatments, just to see if anything had changed after all the medicated cycles. It appears that I had a 7 day luteal phase - do you think the HSG (on day 12) could have caused things to go wonky, or what?