I've scheduled my laparoscopy. Those four words don't adequately convey the cringing emotion behind them. Those four words mean that I started a new cycle* this past weekend; no miraculous intervention occurred to prevent the need for the laparoscopy. I've asked for faith that God can restore my fertility, but I have to remind myself that he is not bound to do so, that he is able and good even though he has not chosen to heal me at this time. I will have the laparoscopy on February 29. I find myself full of fear - fear of the unknown quantity of the surgery itself (how strange to go under anesthesia not knowing what the result will be when I wake up), fear of what the doctor will find, fear of the long term implications if the fallopian tube gets removed or if endometriosis or something similarly serious is discovered, fear that this laparoscopy will deliver the final blow to my hope of conceiving and giving birth to children. I know my fear reveals that I do not fully place my trust in God's total rule and steadfast love, so between now and the last day of February I plan to do battle against my fear, by God's grace. "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Rom. 8:6).
*Last month, I charted my cycle for the first time since starting fertility treatments, just to see if anything had changed after all the medicated cycles. It appears that I had a 7 day luteal phase - do you think the HSG (on day 12) could have caused things to go wonky, or what?
6 comments:
Andrea, you continue to inspire me with your faith, even if it's your "fight for faith." I think of you often and wish I could do more to be an encouragement for you. I will be praying this week for trust and peace in your heart, that you will fight hard for them and that you will continue to cling to the truth that the Lord is good, and that He loves you with an everlasting love. Count on us to pray for you!
Three things remain: faith, hope and love. (1 Cor 13;13)
God wants you to have all 3 of those. There is always faith, there is always hope and there is always love.
God will never remove hope from you. He might redirect your hope to something new, but He will never take it away.
Praying for you
Jon
I will be praying for you in the days leading up to your surgery, & remember, He has not given us a Spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mine.
You will have my prayers as you approach the doomsday..and during, and after!
Andrea, I pray that the faithfulness of God will be a strong anchor for your soul as you approach more unknowns. "When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay." Love you, friend.
I'm at work, so I have no address for these verses but...
"I am with you."
"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come for you."
"We have not recieved a spirit a fear but a spirit of sonship, by which we cry Abba, father!" (Believe that's Romans 8:15)
*hugs* I understand your fear and I feel it too. I'm praying for you peace of mind, for increased faith, for a really good outcome. I'm holding your hand through this storm, one sister in the bosy with another.
~Flicka
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