We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes. While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails, a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."
The Employees of OfIRM
*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.