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4.24.2008

A Letter from OfIRM to Mr. Aaron Patterson

Dear Sir,

We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes.
While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails, a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."

Sincerely,
The Employees of OfIRM

*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.

13 comments:

Aaron said...

Good thing my sister can't eat salt this weekend!

Amy said...

Too funny!

Vacant Uterus said...

Try to avoid salt, okay?

gracechild said...

What's the blog land expression for hand over mouth. WOW! that's so crazy

Alex & Jill said...

HAHAHA!

Hope said...

oh goodness you are silly! Thanks for the giggle!

Dave & Beth Saavedra said...

Hilarious!

Michele said...

Hysterical!! :)

Jen and Carter's life in the busy world said...

Oh, goodness, to funny.

Amanda said...

I'm glad for your sense of humor about it, Andrea -- this was too hilarious (my favorite were the visual aids)!

The Giving Tree said...

You are awesome.

toddleddredge said...

Very funny.

lifemoreabundant said...

roflmbo