Happy Birthday, Aaron!

Wasn't my hubby a cute baby?

Happy birthday, my dear husband. You are my love and my laughter. You are my encourager and comforter. You are "more to me than ten sons" (1 Sam. 1:8). What could be better than getting to share every day of life with you? I can't imagine where I would be without your friendship, your leadership, your help, your humor, and your affection. With you I know that "God's best gifts put man's best dreams to shame." So on your birthday, I celebrate you and look forward to enjoying every moment together.

With all that I am and all that I have, I honor you.

Your devoted wife,
Andrea

Round 4, Day 4

Well, my last cycle decided to break records and last for 29 days - maybe normal for the majority of women, but 4 days longer than my average and 3 days longer than the longest cycle I have had over the past 2 years. To some, a late period might indicate pregnancy, but as my husband was unfortunately out of town during the crucial days last month, I wasn't fooled - just impatient to start a new cycle already! If I had been one day later, we probably would have had to take yet another month off, because we're both traveling Oct. 4-10 (a trip we were sure would not interfere because my cycles have been so predictably 25 days long). Another lesson that God is in control and I am not...

So I went in yesterday for my day 3 ultrasound and bloodwork. All levels normal, all systems go. Nurse Answers was not in yesterday or today, so I didn't get to ask her if we'll still be able to do an IUI before we head out of town. I'll call her tomorrow to ask. In the meantime, I swallowed the first of five Clomid pills yesterday and I've ordered my trigger shot. Monday is my next appointment, an ultrasound to check my follicles and lining. I'm praying that we will be all set at that point for triggering and doing an IUI next Wednesday morning before we head to the airport. Even if my lining or follicles aren't quite ready yet, I'll probably still beg for a Wednesday morning IUI. After all the recent delays, I'm ready to grovel. But again, God is in control and I am not.

Uncertain Riches

I did not have time last week to post on the message given at church on 9/10 - it was an excellent one on evangelism and you can listen to it here.

Last Sunday, Tab began a new series on true riches with a message on "Uncertain Riches." His text was 1 Timothy 6:17 - "As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy." Most of us in America are among the top 5-15% of the world's wealthy, so this verse applies to us. Tab gave us 2 charges: 1) don't be proud about your wealth; 2) don't trust in your wealth. When it comes to money, we are tempted to believe two lies. First, we are tempted to believe that we are better than others because of what we have. Second, we are tempted to believe that riches provide us with security. In reality, anything we have has been provided by God (who caused us to be born in this time and place, who gave us minds to be educated, who opened jobs for us, who sustains our bodies so that we can enjoy our food and our belongings). And material blessings are temporal and uncertain, but God is our Eternal Rock!

Ultimately, we need to believe and be satisfied in Jesus Christ, the richest provision ever given. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Rom. 8:32). This is a promise I need to apply to our saving and spending, to my pursuit of spiritual growth, and to all of my desires. I'm looking forward to the rest of this series.

Spurgeon Excerpt

I was recently encouraged by this excerpt from C.H. Spurgeon in "Beside Still Waters":

I believe that God, who has appointed it, has also measured your trouble, set its bounds, and will bring it to an end. His gracious design is in all your difficulties. Do not think that God deals roughly with His children and gives them needless pain. "He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men" (Lam. 3:33). "He has torn, but He will heal" (Hosea 6:1).

Has not God helped you out of one trouble after another? Do you suppose that He will leave you in this trouble? "He shall deliver you in six troubles, yes, in seven no evil shall touch you" (Job 5:19).

This particular water, in which you are now struggling, is intended and included in this promise, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you" (Is. 43:2).

It is, I must confess, sometimes difficult to apply the promises to a particular case. Sometimes unbelief fights hard. But remember, unless the promise is applied it is like medicine that is not taken. It may be powerful, but it is worthless unless applied.

Ask for grace, that you may believe while you are still under the cloud. Regardless of how dark the cloud, it contains blessings. "If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves upon the earth" (Eccl. 11:3).

Good Words from My Husband

My husband is very funny; that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Recently, his humor has begun to extend into the world of fertility. Here are a couple wisecracks he made this weekend:

I was experiencing some pretty sharp ovulation pangs (which I never had before taking Clomid, but have had each month since). Imagine a side cramp from running, but the pain is located about 3 inches below and to the side of your bellybutton. Anyway, I was joking with Aaron about how it is pretty inconvenient to have cramps that make a girl want to avoid intimacy around ovulation time when trying to conceive. "I mean," I said, "it's fairly counterproductive." Without missing a beat, he turned to me and said, "Counter-REproductive!" (That may only be funny to you if you're as immersed in all things reproductive as we are, but I thought it was pretty clever!)

Later this weekend, we were talking about baby names. Tongue in cheek, Aaron asked, "Do you think it would be presumptuous to give a child the first name 'Saint'?"

His words often make me laugh. His words also often remind me of the truth I need to hear. After he picked me up from a baby shower this weekend, I cried to him in the car about how hard it is that what should be a special occasion to rejoice brings up so many feelings of hurt. I want to ooh and aah over all the cute baby clothes, but instead every outfit is a stabbing reminder of what I do not have. I want to laugh at the funny stories of breastfeeding, but instead I ache to wonder if I will ever experience that with a child of mine. Before we started trying to conceive, I could enjoy all of those things because I assumed they would be part of my life, too, someday. Now, I just don't know if that will be the case. I ended by wailing to Aaron, "If only I knew for sure that we would conceive, and when, it would be so much easier!" He wisely and kindly responded, "It's true that you don't know what will happen, if you'll ever be pregnant or not, but you do know one thing about your future. You know that one day you will be in heaven with our Savior." Ah, what good words. I don't know how my story will unfold in the years to come, but I do know the end of my story. And knowing that I have been redeemed so that I can be with my Lord in eternity, where every tear will be wiped away, makes everything easier to bear.

Not So Long and Dull After All

Psalm 119 is infamous for its 176 verses extolling the law of God. I used to be daunted by its length and considered it rather dry and boring. I am currently following a Bible reading plan that includes going through the psalms twice in one year, and when I first got to Psalm 119 about six months ago I gave an inward groan and geared myself up for anticipated arduousness. I expected dullness; instead, I found richness that called out to me in my suffering. Reading this psalm in the midst of the most severe trial of my life, the words of this psalm leapt out to me in a way they never had before. No longer filtering into my brain as a drone of "law, blah, blah, law, blah," I heard precious promises of the unspeakable comfort to be found in God's word during times of senseless sorrow. Here are some favorite selections:

"My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!" (v. 28)

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." (v. 50)

"You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." (v. 68)

"It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." (v. 71)

"Your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice, because I have hoped in your word. I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant." (v. 73-76)

"My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your work. My eyes long for your promise; I ask, "When will you comfort me?" (v. 81-82)

"If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." (v. 92)

"I am severely afflicted; give me life, O Lord, according to your word!" (v. 107)

"Uphold me according to your promise, that I may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope!" (v. 116)

"Trouble and anguish have found me out, but your commandments are my delight." (v. 143)

"Let my plea come before you; deliver me according to your word." (v. 170)

When I recently read Psalm 119 for the second time this year, I approached it with eager delight. I knew I would find the sweet balm of comfort, the antidote to my despairing feelings in the face of affliction. These words don't make suffering vanish, they don't explain why hardships happen, but they consistently remind me that my troubles are not in vain in the hands of the God who defines good. His promises are precious because they lead me to know my Savior better, and they are truer than any earthly experience. I want, like the psalmist, to embrace my suffering as a means of drawing closer to the God who has afflicted me in faithfulness and love, for my good.

Psalm 119 now ranks high on my list of recommended reading for anyone enduring a trial. It has become one of my favorite passages in the Bible, a storehouse of wisdom and comfort written by a fellow sufferer who knew anguish but knew God better.

A Heart for the Lost

Sunday's message on Jonah 4 was given by our swell "junior pastor," Josh. The main point was that God does not just want us to bring his message to the lost, but he wants us to bring his attitude of mercy to the lost. Two main hindrances to sharing God's heart for the lost are self-righteousness and self-centeredness. Tab suggested that we cultivate a Christ-like compassion for the lost by praying daily this week for one unbeliever in our lives. I want to pray this week for my ultrasound tech at the fertility clinic. (Yes, this is the same lady who I called by the wrong name for months! I called her Wendy, which is not her name, but I'll call her that on my blog. Wendy the Wander...) When I am in a treatment cycle, I see Wendy on a weekly basis, and we usually have plenty of time to chat while I lay on the examining table. I've already heard some of her story, and she obviously knows a big part of mine. I hope to be able to get to know her better and to share my faith with her over the coming months. In the meantime, I'll be praying for God to give me his love for her.

On a side note, as Josh spoke about self-righteousness, he mentioned that we can often have this same attitude toward fellow believers, saying in our hearts that others don't deserve the blessings they receive. I have often been guilty of that in the area of fertility. In my pride, I think that I deserve a child more than others who are pregnant or who have babies. Thankfully, as God has shown me my sin more clearly, I am less prone to think that I merit the gift of children at all, let alone more than others. However, a more subtle form of the same attitude has cropped up lately. I look at those who have been pregnant during the time we have been trying to conceive, and I wonder, "What spiritual quality do they have that I don't yet? What lessons have they learned from God that I still need to learn? If only I can find out, I can finally get to the point where God is willing to give me a child." Even though I am not elevating myself above others by those thoughts, I am still basically trying to earn a blessing from God - and it is the height of pride to think that I could ever be worthy of God's favor! But my merciful Savior freely pursues me and lavishly blesses me, not as a reward for anything I do, but as the lover of my sinful soul. He did not wait for me to obey before he saved me, and he is not waiting for me to attain some degree of spiritual maturity before he gives me children. He is fulfilling all his good purposes for me in his good time.

Judgment, Repentance, and Mercy

Last Sunday, Josh preached from Jonah 3 on "Judgment, Repentance, and Mercy." During the message, he described genuine repentance as having the following characteristics:

1) Genuine repentance involves faith.
2) Genuine repentance involves changed behavior.
3) Genuine repentance involves everything in life.
4) Genuine repentance involves a recognition of guilt.
5) Genuine repentance involves looking to God for mercy.

He then asked the following questions for application. Where in my life is God calling me to repent? An area of unbelief? A behavior that hasn't noticeably changed? An area of life that I won't surrender to God?

I can think of many areas where I need to repent these days. Lack of faith that God is working all things for my good. Anxiety about the future - about how many more hurdles we'll have to jump before having a child, about how many more other babies I will see born before I conceive. A proud posture that thinks my will for my life is better than God's. Infertility is proving to be an area of life that I must surrender to God over and over again. I easily get overwhelmed, despairing that I will ever grow Christ-like enough to humbly accept this trial from the hand of God. The problem when I reach this point is that I get paralyzed; I need to repent of so many things, where do I begin? In those times, I need to ask for help. I need to ask my husband if he sees one area I can focus on (this has helped me so much in the past). The input of close friends helps, too. Above all, I need to believe that God intends to show mercy. He will give his Holy Spirit to guide me. He gives everything that I need for life and godliness through Jesus Christ. So I can repent, not with fear, but with faith.

The Patterson Clan Goes Botanic

We visited the Chicago Botanic Gardens with Aaron's family while they were in town at the beginning of August. Here are a few pictures...

Laurie & the WV nephews, Samuel & Carter

Isaiah, the Chicago gangsta

nephews in the model train garden

And the next one's for Rishi...

Round 3, Day 4

Day 4 was yesterday. I had my ultrasound. Thankfully, the cyst on my left ovary is completely gone. Sadly, Nurse Answers confirmed that Aaron's business trip in early September means that we should not pursue treatment this cycle. Logically, it makes sense; I wouldn't want to take Clomid for a poorly-timed cycle and risk forming another cyst that would prevent us from trying next cycle when timing should not be an issue. Emotionally, it was a really tough blow to hear that we have to face yet another delay. I feel as though God is opposed to us having a child, sending every possible obstacle our way. What hope do we have for children if God is against us? I'm struggling for faith to see that God proved he is for me by sending Jesus to die on the cross. I'm fighting to treasure a relationship with my Lord above the dream of snuggling a beautiful newborn baby of our own. I want to really functionally believe that God's plans are better than mine, his good is better than I can imagine, his glory is worth my suffering.

Psalm 119:28 My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!

Round 3, Day 1

Here I am, beginning a new cycle. For once, I am actually glad. Since I didn't really expect much out of this non-treatment cycle, starting anew means that I can find out if my cyst is gone and can most likely do a round of Clomid and IUI. I'll go to Dr. Peppy's office on Monday for a baseline ultrasound. (That is, if the ultrasound tech will consent to see me after I've been calling her by the wrong name for months! Oops!) Please pray that the cyst is gone, or at least small enough to proceed with medication. We're also a little concerned about the timing of this cycle. Aaron has a business trip scheduled for Sept. 5-8, which could be when I am ovulating. Hopefully, we'll be able to squeak in an IUI before he leaves, but I need to get an opinion from Nurse Answers (I've decided to nickname her that, because she always answers all my questions). Ultimately, it's in God's hands.

Oh, remember what I said above about not expecting much out of this cycle? Well, here's a prime example of the irrational wishful thinking common to infertiles. A mental conversation between Rational and Irrational Me at 5:30 p.m. yesterday evening:

Rational Me: Well, well, well. Cramping and spotting. A day later than usual, but this must be my period starting.

Irrational Me: You know, you might have ovulated later this cycle due to the cyst. Maybe that's implantation spotting and you're pregnant!

Rational Me: No, no, no. Remember, our body needs drugs to be pregnancy-friendly. We didn't have drugs this month. I'm not pregnant.

Irrational Me: Okay, how about this idea? The cyst is just now going away! Nurse Answers said that you might have cramping and bleeding when that happens. The pangs in your abdomen and the spotting aren't an impending period; they're because the cyst is going away and you're pregnant!

Rational Me: No, I'm not! Cramping and spotting on day 26 of a 25-day-average-cycler is a period beginning!

Irrational Me: We could take that pregnancy test in the bathroom cabinet and find out...

Rational Me: No. We will wait until the morning and know that we are not pregnant because we'll have our period. End of conversation!

Thankfully, Rational Me won out and was vindicated when I woke up this morning. How is it possible to know I'm not pregnant and yet still get my hopes up? This happens every month...

I am praying this verse for the new cycle: "Save us, we pray, O Lord! O Lord, we pray, give us success!" (Psalm 118:25).

At the Appointed Time

"You have been seeking help in prayer and you have believed that help would come, but it has been long delayed. Month after month you have put up storm signals, and yet the blessed lifeboat of your heavenly Father's mercy has not come to your almost wrecked vessel. 'At the appointed time the end shall be' (Dan. 8:19). The time is not for you to appoint. To set times for God to answer prayer is always wrong. He who gives has the right to choose the time of the gift. God has appointed the time of your deliverance. Let hell and earth do what they will, for at the time appointed deliverance will surely come."

-C.H. Spurgeon, Beside Still Waters

The Grace I Need

On Sunday, Tab preached an excellent message from Jonah 2, "Salvation Belongs to the Lord." (You should soon be able to listen to it here.) The two main points were that 1) God hears our cries of distress and 2) God's grace delivers us from our distress. The whole message was encouraging, but I was helped most by part of the second point. Here's a quick summary: We need to apply the truth that salvation belongs to the Lord to our current distress, but we don't always know what that looks like. God could give delivering grace that puts an end to the distress, or he could give sustaining grace that helps us endure through difficulty. No matter what, we who believe have already been given ultimate deliverance from our greatest distress, our sin that merits the wrath of God, through the cross where Christ suffered that distress in our place.

As I have faced the distress of infertility, I have cried out often for delivering grace. I want God to put an end to this trial by blessing us with children soon. While it is not a bad thing to ask for delivering grace, I realized that I have been rejecting any other form of grace as not good enough. God has provided me with plenty of sustaining grace over the past year, but I quickly overlook that. I too often fail to notice God's goodness in strengthening me to endure infertility, in enabling me to battle against sins like jealousy and self-pity and to actually make some progress! Even worse, I minimize the greatness of the ultimate delivering grace of salvation. "So what if I've been saved from my sins," I scoff. "What does it matter that I have an eternal relationship with a loving God, if I can't have a baby?" Okay, I don't actually say those things (maybe I should, so I would be more properly horrified by my unbelief!). But my lack of joy and refusal to be comforted by the gospel in the midst of trial basically says the same thing. The gospel DOES matter; it should put my infertility in perspective and should increase my trust in the Father who did not spare his own Son for me and who will never withhold good from me. Though I may have pretty strong feelings about the kind of grace I want, the Lord will always give me the kind of grace I need.

Note: I would like to start devoting one post a week to reflections on the Sunday message. Hopefully, this will be the first of many!

Fighting Self-Pity

In D.A. Carson's commentary on 1 Kings 19 in For the Love of God Vol. 1, he examines some of the ways that Elijah gives into "the despair of unfulfilled expectations." As I read that this week, I found myself really resonating with Carson's description of Elijah. Though I am not particularly tempted at this very moment, self-pity has called like a siren during this extended season of unfulfilled expectations, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. I have adapted some of Carson's thoughts into a plan to fight against self-pity.

1) Be honest about the facts (don't exaggerate). I give into self-pity when I only focus on a momentary trouble and magnify how bad it is, rather than acknowledging that there are blessings in my life as well as trials. For example, when I found out about our need to do IUI or about the cyst, my first reaction was, "Everything that can go wrong does!" While both of those were truly disappointing setbacks, my response exaggerated the problem and overlooked the many positives in our battle against infertility (only facing one hormonal problem, great doctor & nurses, excellent insurance, good response to medication, etc.). Not only that, my response overlooked the big picture of my salvation and sanctification.

2) Don't judge the hearts of others. Self-pity not only affects me, it affects how I view others. I feed my self-pity by thinking, "No one else cares. No one else understands. No one else realizes how hard this is for me." In reality, I am surrounded by people who care, who want to offer comfort, who want to help me escape from sin and trust God through this trial. I do a great disservice to those people when I judge them out of my self-pity.

3) Remember God's promises. In the throes of self-pity, my circumstances and emotions seem so much more real and true than God's word. But I can nip self-pity in the bud by having faith that God's promises (to be faithful, to do good, to sanctify me, to bless me) are true even when I cannot see them or feel them.

4) Remember that God will not always work in the obvious way I want him to. I have great ideas about how God should work - he should end this trial by letting us conceive a healthy baby! I've learned all my lessons, right? He'll get glory by answering my prayers as soon as possible, right? Seems like a good idea to me... But when I think I know best how God should work in my life, I am easily tempted to self-pity when God does not work how I expect. I need to trust that his ways are higher than mine.

5) Find others to carry part of your burden. When I give into self-pity, I tend to isolate myself. Then, it becomes that much easier to exaggerate how bad my circumstances are, to judge others as uncaring, to ignore God's promises, and to complain about God not working how I want. When I am the only human audience for these thoughts, they start to dig in deep. But if I open up to others - my husband first, and then other friends - my sin is exposed and can be addressed and corrected, my despair is lessened as others help me, and I am pointed back to my loving and trustworthy God.

I think if I can even remember one of these things when I am tempted, it would throw a big wrench into the cogs of self-pity. By the Spirit's help, I hope to be able to capture self-pitying thoughts more and more quickly as time goes on. May he "fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified" (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)!

Top 5 Tag

Thanks to Adam, I've gotten my first official tag! He wants to know my top 5 reasons for blogging. In no particular order:

1. To keep family and friends near and far updated about our progress with infertility treatments. It's a lot easier to provide one centralized source of information, rather than saying the same things over again (although I don't mind talking about it, if people ask).
   
2. As a form of journaling. A friend asked me if I was journaling about this season, and while I have been keeping a journal of my times in God's word, I was not chronicling the specific events, thoughts, and emotions related to infertility. I want to have a record of this very life-defining trial, so that I don't forget the details what I am learning and experiencing. God-willing, I will one day share these writings (at least in part) with our children, to let them know how they were sought after and how God worked.
   
3. I also enjoy writing, and I don't think I've ever enjoyed it so much as in the format of blogging.
   
4. I have been inspired by other blogs - friends' blogs, ministry-related blogs, and infertility blogs.
   
5. I want the Lord to be magnified through this trial, and blogging gives me one way to speak publicly about his goodness and greatness to me in the midst of difficulty.

I realize that most of these reasons have to do with infertility, because infertility is rather consuming in our lives right now. But I do plan to continue blogging after the battle with infertility is finally over, whenever that day comes. I'll just have to change my top 5 reasons then!

Someone Else's Thoughts

I've been thinking lately about how I seem to live my life in two week increments as a result of infertility. I start a new cycle, and I spent two weeks waiting to ovulate, living with the knowledge that I am not pregnant. Then, I ovulate, and I spend two weeks waiting to find out if we conceived, adjusting my habits according to the fact that I might be pregnant (i.e., having only one cup of coffee or tea per day, not doing exercises that pregnant women are supposed to avoid). Then I start a new cycle, go back to my un-pregnant habits, and begin all over again.

Another blogger wrote a thoughtful post about the infertility pattern of waiting and wishing; you can read it here.

Apology

Public sin merits a public confession. This morning I read the words, "Do all things without grumbling or questioning," in Philippians 1:14. Conviction immediately settled in. I spent the whole of yesterday grumbling and questioning over the news of the cyst. I grumbled and questioned on my blog. Please forgive me.

It's easy to justify grumbling. My circumstances are difficult. The heat of temptation is real. But my response came straight out of my sinful heart, a heart that doesn't want to trust God when things don't go the way I want. A heart that can say, "Yes, God, you were good to save me. Yes, you were good to bless me with a wonderful husband. Yes, you were good to put me in such an outstanding local church. But I don't like infertility, so you must not be good to me in that area." Because I don't get a detailed letter from God explaining every reason why he has ordained this particular suffering for me, I complain and doubt and ask, "Why, why, why?" I decide that my emotions and perceptions are more infallible than God's word.

But God's word says that he is good and does good; he is full of steadfast love and faithfulness; he is trustworthy and there is no unrighteousness in him. My doubtful grumblings and questionings dishonor that God, but that God paid the ultimate price to forgive my grumblings and questionings.

Has the temptation to grumble and question gone away? No. I still don't understand or want this hardship. I still worry that my fears of more fertility setbacks will come true. But I have fresh conviction to take those thoughts captive and to fix my gave on my kind and lovely Savior.

Unexpected Comfort

Here is the postponed post, written the day before I found out about the cyst. What a difference a day makes!

A week or so before the end of my last cycle, I read Psalm 77. I expected that I would echo the sentiments of the Psalmist if I found out that I was not pregnant.

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate my spirit faints.

"Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"

There have been so many times over the past year that my heart has asked those same questions, wondering if God had abandoned me. There have been so many times when it has seemed impossible to find comfort for my soul. And while I still find myself wondering why God did not allow us to conceive last month, I have been surprised this weekend by an underlying trust that God is being kind even as He says, "No," to my pleading for a child. I have found a bittersweet comfort in God's sovereignty. When I am tempted to question what went wrong last month (did we have poor egg or sperm quality? did my progesterone tank after such good numbers?), I can silence those worries by recognizing that we did not conceive because God did not allow it. Does that mean God is spurning us? While it may seem that way, His promises to work all for good have not ended. God became flesh and died on a cross to ensure that He could always look favorably upon us. His steadfast love was proven at Calvary and endures today. So I am grieving the failure of another chance to conceive, but meditating on God's faithfulness and past work made it possible for me to trust God with my sorrow, to surrender my desires to His will, and to keep waiting for His blessing.

Then I said, "I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph.

Round 2, Day 4

Yesterday, I composed a post about how God helped me to trust Him after this weekend's disappointing news. However, that post will have to wait because today I received more bad news, and I'm having a hard time seeing God's goodness.

My baseline ultrasound this morning revealed that I have a cyst on my left ovary. "An ugly, messy one," according to the tech. One of the five large follicles that Clomid stimulated released its egg and then stuck around in its ruptured state, rather than dissolving gracefully. If I take Clomid now, it would cause the cyst to grow and wreak havoc on my reproductive system. So we have to put all fertility treatments on hold and wait for the cyst to resolve itself (which the nurse warned me will probably involve cramping and bleeding). The nurse said that we could still try to conceive naturally this cycle, but that doesn't help much. I mean, let's be honest - 21 cycles au natural yielded 0 conceptions. I'm not getting my hopes up for this one. (Okay, that's a lie. I'm pleading with God for a miracle to occur this month, that we will get pregnant despite the cyst and the lack of medical intervention.)

So, I'm incredibly disappointed at the delay. I just don't understand why God keeps causing these hardships to pile up. I prayed this morning (before the appointment) that I would see my suffering as something to be endured for the sake of Christ, but this bad news makes me feel so weary that I don't know how much longer I can endure. I prayed that Christ would be honored in my body; now I sit here wishing that a cyst didn't have to be the means of doing so. I don't want to wait another month. I don't want to have next summer be the earliest I could give birth to a child. I don't want to go through another round of baby showers and births without being pregnant myself. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to be infertile anymore.

I'm trying to cast my cares on God, fighting to believe that he is good when I can't see it, but I'm losing that battle right now.

Tears

These are some verses I looked up on Friday, as I was crying and crying over the realization that I was not pregnant.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

(Prov. 13:12, Psalms 69:1-3, 31:9, 56:8, 30:5)

As I wait for my morning of joy to come, it helps me to find expression of my sorrow in God's word.