Late in Time

In many ways, I've been dreading this Christmas season. Yet another year has come and gone, and I am still not pregnant. I am certainly not celebrating baby's first Christmas. Two years have passed since Aaron and I sat in our car, stuck in a snowstorm on the way to West Virginia, and talked dreamily about how next year we'd probably be a family of three for the holidays. A year has passed since I thought that despite the disappointments of 2005, surely I would at least be pregnant by the end of 2006. I dare not hope for 2007. And not only is Christmas a painful reminder of the children we do not yet have, it is a season focused on the holiness of a birth. We tell and re-tell the amazing story of a virgin who conceived, for goodness' sake. I love the story, believe it with all my heart, but yet there is something about that miracle that can bring a small ache to my infertile soul.

So I dreaded Christmas this year. But God has mercifully given me a new measure of joy, instead of the heartache I anticipated. My circumstances are still difficult, my trial is not over, my temptations still press in. Yet I find myself singing. As we sang "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" in church a couple weeks ago, the Spirit illuminated to me the words, "Late in time behold him come, offspring of a virgin's womb." At first, I felt that pang, but then I really thought about those lyrics. Though he was suddenly and unexpectedly conceived (from a human perspective), Christ's birth was long awaited. A barren world yearned for centuries for the Messiah to come. Thousands lived and died, hoping for the birth of a Savior, trusting God's promise of a Redeemer. Human hearts were sick with sin and deferred hope. Then, oh miraculous act of love, God became man, took on flesh as a tiny infant. Immanuel. God with us. God with us in our deepest suffering. God with us to rescue us from his own wrath against our sin. God with us to give us himself.

This month, every time I think of the anguish of the past couple of years and the anxiety about the upcoming year, I remember. "Late in time behold him come." My years of waiting to conceive are small in comparison to the centuries that the world waited for the Savior to be born. My suffering - though still weighty - is infinitely lighter because I live after that birth, after Christ bore the burden of my sins. I am waiting for a baby, but I am not waiting for a Redeemer. I trust and hope that I will see my child's face one day; I know with certainty that I will see my Lord's face in heaven.

Oh Where, Oh Where Can She Be?

In case you've noticed my blogging hiatus, I say with abject humility that I have better reasons for it than Adam. In fact, I have about 55 reasons. Here are a few of them:

Aren't they precious reasons? Last Sunday, our church presented its children's Christmas musical. As director and co-author of the program, I've had my hands full. I am so grateful to the Lord for blessing the creation and production of this musical. The kids proclaimed the good news of Christmas with great joy through song and drama, and we were all delighted.

If you've been paying close attention, you might remember the footnote to this post. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that, but due to travel, a mission presentation, and musical rehearsals, I've only heard 2 complete sermons since September. Lord willing, I can reboot this part of the blog soon!

Brought to You by the Letter "M"

Bit of Miscellany #1
If you're playing along with the progesterone levels game, you'll be glad to know that I've managed to hit my highest peak yet - 40wupmL. And that was only 5dpo (for those unfamiliar with the infertility acronyms, that stands for "days past ovulation"), when progesterone usually crests at 7dpo.

Bit of Miscellany #2
Speaking of high peaks, did you know that when Aaron and I went to Galena for our anniversary two weeks ago, we were within a few miles of the highest elevation point in the state of Illinois? Yes, that's right folks, Charles Mound scales in at a lofty 1,235 feet above sea level. I should specify that it is the tallest natural point, because my sources tell me that the Sears Tower is actually taller. Aahh, the glories of the plains... Anyway, Aaron and I had hoped to visit this illustrious landmark, but sadly it is on private property and very rarely open to the public.

Bit of Miscellany #3
I've been monitoring visitors to my blog (yes, I am watching you!), and I'm a little curious about some of my readers. I can figure out who the Naperville & Wheaton, Waco & Austin readers are, for the most part. But who are my regular readers in San Marcos, TX*, and Clarksville, MD? And how about LaGrange, IL? Speak up if that's you; I'd like to meet you!

*I think the spellcheck tool likes Texas. It didn't question any of the cities named from the Lone Star State, but highlighted as suspicious all the cities in Illinois and Maryland.

If a Tree Falls...

...in an apartment in the middle of the night when the residents are sleeping, does anyone hear it?

Decidedly yes. At first it is a little mysterious. What was that crash and tinkling sound? After the husband and wife consult with each other, the husband gets up and goes to the living room. He confirms that, yes, the Christmas tree has fallen over at 4 a.m. The live Christmas tree with a stand full of water that is now all over the carpet. The Christmas tree that was just decorated that very evening, and now has strewn ornaments, lights, and garland like shrapnel. Oh, and what seems like about one-third of its needles have formed a new rug for the dining room.

It took us a very groggy hour to get the tree back up in the stand, hopefully more secure (although it did start to fall over two more times while we were cleaning up, so we're not holding our breath). Thankfully, only 2 ornaments broke, and neither had great sentimental value.

As Aaron said, "It's good to have midnight adventures every now and then." Like the time we woke up to water pouring through the heat lamp in our bathroom ceiling. Or the time we heard a huge crash in the kitchen, and Aaron threw his arm protectively across me and told me to wait while he confronted the burglar - which ended up being 2 shelves of mugs that fell and shattered on the tile floor. Good times, good times*.

*But I'd rather be woken up at 4 a.m. by a baby crying than my Christmas tree toppling...

Round 6, Day 9

Quick update after today's ultrasound and bloodwork:

I have one large follicle on each ovary (20mm and 17mm), plus several smaller ones as well. I'll do another dose of Follistim tonight and then have a Thanksgiving trigger shot. Nurse Answers informed me that we cannot do an IUI this round, due to a new policy at the clinic that all males must be tested for HIV and such before any procedures can be done. (The policy used to just include female patients, so I've already had this pointless-for-us blood panel done, but now Aaron too will get to undergo useless needle-sticking.) Instead of an IUI, we'll have timed intercourse. I'm actually grateful to God for this change. IUI's have been pretty stressful for us, and it would have been hard to rearrange a busy holiday weekend around a visit to the clinic in the northern suburbs. Technically, our chances of conceiving may be lower without the IUI, but I am daring to feel somewhat optimistic about this combination of high-tech medicine and old-fashioned baby-making. Only the Lord knows when and how he will bestow the gift of life, but I pray this will be the month!

Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."

Round 6, Day 8

Well, here we are, midway through another treatment cycle, and my blog has been pining away with no updates. (I have a good excuse, though - my husband whisked me away to this lovely B&B* for our anniversary; the house did offer internet access, but I love my husband more than my blog and therefore had better things to do with my time!) Here's the skinny on this month's fertility protocol:

Last Thursday's ultrasound showed that the monstrous cysts are completely and utterly gone - thank you, Lord! So I was given the all clear for another Clomid-IUI cycle, but this time with more injection fun! I'm adding at least 2 days of Follistim, a shot that is meant to thicken up my uterine lining (translation: we're trying to create a cozy environment for a little Patterson to snuggle up in for a good nine months, instead of a womb as a rocky place in which seed can find no purchase). As a result of the need to give myself a minimum of 3 shots this month (the new med and the one I already use to trigger ovulation), I am now the proud owner of a sharps container! Just looking out for the good garbagemen of Naperville... Anyway, I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see how the follicles and lining have developed, and pending those results, we'll probably do an IUI sometime this weekend. Please send Thanksgiving prayers our way!

Speaking of prayers, I had the following exchange with my 5-year-old nephew on Sunday:

"You and uncle Aaron are married, so you can have kids."

"That's true, we are. In fact, we would like that. You can ask God to give us a baby."

Without further ado, "Dear God, please help my uncle and aunt Andery to have a baby. Amen."



*for those of you who want to know which room we stayed in (Amanda), it was the Lene.

Inferdolatry Part 5

Thinking in terms of idolatry opened up a window of understanding into my current trial of infertility. "We don't simply suffer; we suffer as sinners with a deep propensity to run after god-replacements. And, as believers, we don't just suffer as sinners but as those who have been united with Christ and therefore no longer live under the mastery of sin" (Tripp, p. 93). Infertility is grievous; idolatry is even more grievous. I don't know how or when this affliction will end, but I do know that my idolatry will end, crumbling bit by bit here on earth and ultimately toppling when my Savior brings me to heaven. I know it will be an ongoing struggle, but I want to put my desire for a child into the proper orbit. I want God as the sun in the center of my solar system, and I want good things - like children - revolving like planets around him. 1 Peter 4:1-2 says, "Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." As I walk through the suffering of infertility, I want to see sin diminished in my life. I want suffering to make me more like my Savior. I will still have passions - included the intense yearning for children - but I should not live for them. I live for God, who is love and life.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." (1 John 5:20-21)

Inferdolatry Part 4

As I began to really see how I had made having a baby into an idol, I became very discouraged. I felt like the battle for my heart had already been lost. I was living as a functional atheist; how could I hope to change? I couldn't imagine ever wanting a baby any less. Satisfaction in God alone seemed impossible. But I had forgotten that the battle lines are not just drawn between me and my desires. The real fight is between God an my idolatry. Referring to James 4:1-10, Paul Tripp says:

"We are not battling by ourselves - God battles for us! James is saying, 'Don't you know that the Spirit who lives inside you envies intensely? In the middle of the battle you can't forget that God is a jealous God. He loves you too much to make room for other lovers. He will oppose your proud and self-absorbed living, not because he is against you, but because he loves you.' Praise God that he will settle for nothing short of the final victory in our hearts. Our hope to be who we were meant to be is directly tied to his jealous desire for our hearts....
...James says more. This jealous God is a giver of grace, the most powerful weapon in the war for the heart. God's grace gives us power to say no to powerful desires. It enables us to turn from the creation toward the Creator. It makes us willing to forsake our kingdoms for his. God's grace forgives, but it also constrains and draws and wins. It is jealous, God-focused grace, fitted for the moments we are tempted to follow our desires" (p. 84).

God wants my heart. He will make himself greater and more satisfying in my eyes than pregnancy or motherhood. No matter how great my yearning for a child, he will not rest until my affections and desires for him are even greater. He is my Hope.

Inferdolatry Part 3

The following quote really stood out to me as a picture of what has happened in my heart during my experience of infertility; I was both convicted and encouraged, and I hope you might be, too!

“If my heart is ruled by the desire for a certain thing, it will affect my relationship with God in two principal ways. First, it will shape my attitude when I pray. Rather than prayer being a worshipful act of submission to God, I will pray self-centered and demanding prayers – if I pray at all. I may be so intent on getting what I want that I forget God. Not only will my attitude in prayer be affected, but the kind of god I want will change as well. Let me explain.
If a certain set of desire rules my heart, I will not want God to be a wise, loving, sovereign Father who gives me what he knows is best. Instead, I will want a divine waiter who delivers what I have set my heart on….
When a certain set of desires rules our hearts, we reduce prayer to the menu of human desire. Worse, we shrink God from his position of all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful Father to a divine waiter we expect to deliver everything we ask. But God will not shrink to this size. He will only be our Father and King, who ‘satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s’ (Ps. 103.5). He knows what is best, and he will not let there be peace until he alone controls our hearts. He is a Warrior King, who will not rest when we are captive to other kings. He fights for us, for the thoughts and desires of our hearts.”
Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, p. 83

Inferdolatry Part 2

How does the good desire for a child turn into an idol? On pp. 86-87 of Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, Paul Tripp narrates the progression of idolatry. What starts as a desire becomes a demand, then a perceived need, which leads to expectation and disappointment. When my desire for children becomes a demand, I start insisting that God ought to give me a baby when and how I want one. "Demand is the closing of my fists over a desire. Even though I may be unaware that I have done it, I have left my proper position of submission to God. I have decided that I must have what I have set my heart on and nothing can stand in the way. I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me; I am threatened by it, because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand" (p. 86). Then, the demand for children according to my plan becomes, in my mind, a need. I start to believe that I need children to be happy, to be satisfied, to have any joy. So I set up expectations: if children are what I need to have a good life, God will give them to me, right? If I can just get God to agree with me about how important this is, he'll make sure our family grows according to my plans. These are the false expectations produced by my demand. Then, when God doesn't accept my dictation, when his accomplishment of his perfect purposes doesn't match up with my idea of what I need, I am disappointed with him. He has not in fact disappointed or tempted me, but when the Lord of all doesn't bow down in worship to my idol of a baby, I wrongly accuse him of being unloving, unfair, unkind, and generally against me. I stop believing his character and his promises. In essence, I become just like the people described in Romans 1:22-23. "Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." God offers me the glory of Christ and of sharing with him in his sufferings, and I think I would rather have a baby instead. No wonder I end up so miserable in the face of my struggles with infertility!

Inferdolatry

James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

What has infertility to do with idolatry? (Apologies to Tertullian.) At first glance, not much. Infertility is technically defined as the inability to conceive after one year of trying. Idolatry makes most people think of little statues and false gods. But when you define idolatry as worshiping anything other than the one true, triune God, a connection between infertility and idolatry is made. Infertility is difficult for me primarily because I desire a child more than I desire God.

James 1 tells me that it is my own desire that entices me away from loving God. All the sins that have been exposed in my life over the past year and a half - jealousy, self-pity, anxiety, unbelief, pride - they all have been conceived by my desire for a child. (Not the kind of conception I'm really aiming for!) This does not mean that my desire for a child is itself wrong or sinful. In fact, God's word makes it clear that children are gifts, blessings. But most idolatry lies not in what we want, but in wanting it too much. If I pursue something good, like a child, more than I pursue my Lord and Savior, who is good and does good, then I am an idolater.

I've spent some time in recent weeks reading through Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands Ch. 5 and meditating on James 1 & 4 and Galatians 5. I'd like to take several posts to share what I've learned about the idolatry in my heart and about the hope for change offered to me by Jesus. Here's a quote from the beginning of Paul Tripp's book to set a foundation for the rest to come:

"As sinners, we have a natural bent to turn away from the Creator to serve the creation. We turn away from hope in a Person to hope in systems, ideas, people, or possessions. Real Hope stares us in the face, but we do not see Him. ... We must not offer people a system of redemption, a set of insights and principles. We offer people a Redeemer." (p. 8)

Round 5, Day 3

My ultrasound today revealed cysts - 2 enormous ones on my left ovary and 2 little ones that don't matter on my right. Wendy's eyes widened as soon as she saw the image on the screen, and she was very surprised that I wasn't in severe pain from them. She showed me the pictures so that I could see what was happening to my poor overburdened ovary.

The right looked something like this - see the faint oval oultine with the little black dots? The ovary is the oval shape, and it's about normal size. The little black dots are small cysts; I have 2 about 11mm each (anything under 16mm is fine for proceeding with fertility treatment).

The left, however, looked like this - that big black circle is one huge cyst, with the ovary swollen around it. Only I have 2 of those, approximately 2 inches each, bulging together. Not a pretty picture.

So, at least another month off before we attempt a new protocol. I'm supposed to take it easy for a little bit, so those fatties don't bust. Although I was praying for no cysts, I am asking God to help me see even them as a gift from Him. On a lighter note, at least all that cystiness explains the sudden swelling of my abdomen in the past couple weeks - I like that explanation better than blaming it on all the yummy desserts I was fed in Texas!

A Suitable Prayer

This morning I prayed the following prayer from The Valley of Vision, words that suited my soul but that I never would have come up with on my own:

Sovereign Lord,
When clouds of darkness, atheism, and unbelief come to me,
I see thy purpose of love,
in withdrawing the Spirit that I might prize him more,
in chastening me for my confidence in past successes,
that my wound of secret godlessness might be cured.
Help me to humble myself before thee
by seeing the vanity of honour as a conceit of men's minds,
as standing between me and thee;
by seeing that thy will must alone be done,
as much in denying as in giving spiritual enjoyments;
by seeing that my heart is nothing but evil,
mind, mouth, life void of thee;
by seeing that sin and Satan are allowed power in me
that I might know my sin, be humbled,
and gain strength thereby;
by seeing that unbelief shuts thee from me,
so that I sense not thy majesty, power, mercy, or love.
Then possess me, for thou only art good and worthy.

Thou dost not play in convicting me of sin,
Satan did not play in tempting me to it,
I do not play when I sink in deep mire,
for sin is no game, no toy, no bauble;
Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin
lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed,
as in the greatness of the person sinned against.
When I am afraid of evils to come, comfort me, by showing me
that in myself I am a dying, condemned wretch,
but that in Christ I am reconciled, made alive, and satisfied;
that I am feeble and unable to do any good,
but that in him I can do all things;
that what I now have in Christ is mine in part,
but that shortly I shall have it perfectly in heaven.

"Humiliation," The Valley of Vision, p. 79

Results

Negative. Again.

The pregnancy blood test I had done at the clinic yesterday was pointless, as I started my period two hours later.

I am disappointed and discouraged, struggling to believe that God's grace is sufficient for me. It doesn't seem like I will ever be satisfied in Christ alone.

And Now, for Something Completely Different (in Honour* of Snow)

A couple days after coming home from my visit to Texas, we had our first snowfall of the season! I heard on the news that it was the fifth earliest snowfall in the Chicago area in the past 125 years. The flurries of white flakes were lovely, but of course didn’t last. However, all this cold weather (plus a conversation with my friend Amanda in Waco) got me thinking about my favorite cozy crock-pot meals. I thought I’d do something completely new on my blog and post a couple tasty recipes.

Parmesan Chicken Chowder (from Jen Flock)

3-4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
3-4 baking potatoes, cleaned & diced
4 carrots, peeled & sliced ¼” thick
2 ribs celery, sliced ¼” thick
1 onion, diced
3 cups water
Salt & pepper
4 tbsp butter
¼ cup flour
2 cups milk
1 cup peas (thawed if frozen)
1 cup corn (thawed if frozen)
1/3 cup Parmesan, shredded or grated

Put chicken, potatoes, carrots, celery, onion & water in crockpot. Season with salt & pepper. Cook all day. Chicken should shred easily when done. 15 minutes before serving, melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Add flour, whisking for 2 minutes or until smooth. Slowly whisk in milk. Stir milk mixture into chicken mixture. Add peas, corn, and Parmesan to the chowder and stir to combine. Serve with crusty bread.

Boeuf Bourguignon (modified from a recipe in Everyday Food magazine)

2-3 lbs boneless chuck roast, trimmed of excess fat
¼ cup flour
6 medium carrots, peeled & sliced ½” thick
1 onion, diced
4 slices bacon, cooked & crumbled
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 lb cremini or button mushrooms, halved if large & stems trimmed
2 tbsp tomato paste
½ tsp dried thyme
Salt & pepper
1 bottle dry red wine

Place chuck roast in bottom of crockpot. Sprinkle with flour; season with salt & pepper. Add carrots, onion, bacon, garlic, mushrooms & tomato paste. Season with thyme, salt & pepper. Pour wine over all. Cook on high all day (8+ hours). Meat should fall apart when stirred. (This recipe is even better reheated as leftovers, so you can also cook it overnight, refrigerate it during the day, and warm it up for dinner.)

*I’ve always thought the British spelling of words that Americans end in “or” was much more sophisticated. This seemed like a good time to use the British way.

Benefits Beyond

We had care group scheduled for the day that Aaron & I both returned from traveling, so our dear friends Josh & Katie offered to lead the meeting for us. Much to our surprise, they took part of the meeting to ask members of our care group to share how they see evidence of God’s grace at work in our lives. We were incredibly blessed and humbled by that time. One thing particularly stood out to me – many people shared how Aaron cares for people effectively and has grown in leadership. As these comments were being made, my eyes were opened to see a broader horizon of how God has been using the trial of infertility. As I have struggled through the challenges of the past two years, my husband has had to learn how to care for me in the midst of difficulty. He has had to lead us through many decisions, and he has had to point me to the Lord’s grace again and again as my sins have been exposed. Sitting in care group, I realized that not only have I been the beneficiary of Aaron’s growth in loving leadership, but other friends have received that increased care as well. I can get so focused on asking, “What is God doing in my life through my suffering?” – and I think that is a helpful question to ask. But I needed that last care group meeting to see that God has bigger purposes in mind than just my growth. He works all things together for good to all those who love him. In this trial, that means me as I’ve been sanctified and drawn closer to my Savior. It also means my husband, who has learned greater compassion and leadership. And it means our friends in care group, who have benefited from Aaron’s growth (and maybe mine, too). It lightens the load of affliction just a little bit to have my eyes taken off myself to see what God is accomplishing through circumstances that I would not have chosen. When I get these glimpses, I can honestly say that the suffering has been worth the spiritual fruit (although I certainly won’t complain if this trial comes to and end soon!).

Just the Facts, Ma'am

Here are the recent facts for Round 4:

IUI – Oct. 4
It was okay, and we were very grateful to squeeze it in before our travels. Aaron’s counts were a little lower than before, but he had 100% motility (which is a good thing, if you’re not familiar with all the terminology). Nurse Answers was great, as usual, and took the time to look at his previous counts, assured us that we still had enough for our IUI, and promised to keep an eye on future numbers. During and after the IUI, I had quite a bit of discomfort from cramping, but it wasn’t exceedingly painful.

Progesterone test – Oct. 11
My levels were very good again – 25wupmL. Clomid certainly seems to do the trick for me; we just need to get sperm to meet egg when I’m on the medication!

That’s all until this Wednesday, when we should know the big result. Honestly, I’m not very expectant (no pun intended), but I’m trying to find true hope in Christ rather than turning to either wishful thinking or pessimism.

Round 4, Day 11

Quick update before I leave for a much-anticipated vacation...

I had an ultrasound yesterday that showed 3 large follicles on my right ovary (20mm, 18mm & 16mm) and one medium follicle on my left ovary (13mm) - another big response to the meds. In fact, Wendy was astonished at how many well-developed follicles I had! All that to say, Nurse Answers told me to go ahead and trigger last night (an event that was not nearly as nerve-wracking as the first time). We go in for our IUI tomorrow morning, right before we each leave for our respective trips (Aaron to Pennsylvania and West Virginia, me to Texas). If this IUI works, we'll have quite the story to tell our child someday. "Honey, you were conceived while mommy was on a plane flying in the opposite direction of your daddy..." Not exactly anyone's romanticized idea of starting a family, but we'll take it any way it comes!

I may blog while I'm on vacation, but I may not. If you live in Austin or Waco, I hope to see you while I'm in town!

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Happy Birthday, Aaron!

Wasn't my hubby a cute baby?

Happy birthday, my dear husband. You are my love and my laughter. You are my encourager and comforter. You are "more to me than ten sons" (1 Sam. 1:8). What could be better than getting to share every day of life with you? I can't imagine where I would be without your friendship, your leadership, your help, your humor, and your affection. With you I know that "God's best gifts put man's best dreams to shame." So on your birthday, I celebrate you and look forward to enjoying every moment together.

With all that I am and all that I have, I honor you.

Your devoted wife,
Andrea

Round 4, Day 4

Well, my last cycle decided to break records and last for 29 days - maybe normal for the majority of women, but 4 days longer than my average and 3 days longer than the longest cycle I have had over the past 2 years. To some, a late period might indicate pregnancy, but as my husband was unfortunately out of town during the crucial days last month, I wasn't fooled - just impatient to start a new cycle already! If I had been one day later, we probably would have had to take yet another month off, because we're both traveling Oct. 4-10 (a trip we were sure would not interfere because my cycles have been so predictably 25 days long). Another lesson that God is in control and I am not...

So I went in yesterday for my day 3 ultrasound and bloodwork. All levels normal, all systems go. Nurse Answers was not in yesterday or today, so I didn't get to ask her if we'll still be able to do an IUI before we head out of town. I'll call her tomorrow to ask. In the meantime, I swallowed the first of five Clomid pills yesterday and I've ordered my trigger shot. Monday is my next appointment, an ultrasound to check my follicles and lining. I'm praying that we will be all set at that point for triggering and doing an IUI next Wednesday morning before we head to the airport. Even if my lining or follicles aren't quite ready yet, I'll probably still beg for a Wednesday morning IUI. After all the recent delays, I'm ready to grovel. But again, God is in control and I am not.