IVF #1, Stim Day 5

The monitoring appointment in the city was pretty much a non-event. Even though I wish a Saturday appointment hadn't caused us to miss out on Tulip Time, I'm glad we had the opportunity to find the downtown clinic BEFORE the day of egg retrieval. This office didn't have any needlecraft of zygotes or embryos like the north suburban clinic, but there were plenty of little fertility goddesses scattered about the place. (My husband knows; he was an archaeology major.) The ultrasound showed I still have that one lead follicle (20mm now) and several smaller ones (7-8mm). The nurse said they'll probably have to just let the big one go - whatever that means. Hopefully I can press Nurse Answers for more, well, answers at tomorrow's scan. In the meantime, I'm continuing on the same 5 units of Lupron and 200 units of Follistim.

After the appointment, we had a leisurely breakfast at this fun little cafe that we discovered last year. While there, we discussed how much rest has been missing from our lives lately. As a result of that talk, we decided to head home rather than going to the Cubs game. (Plus, it was a grey and chilly day, and we weren't really dressed for it.) But in the car on the way out of the city, I started to get anxious about whether we were making the right choice. Silly, in retrospect, but at the time I felt really paralyzed by worries that we weren't spontaneous enough, that we weren't taking full advantage of this season of life, that we were missing out on fun opportunities because it was easier to do the normal, dull, routine things. Thankfully, the Spirit prompted me to share these thoughts with Aaron, rather than stewing over them and waiting for them to pass. It was a little thing, but by humbling myself and being honest, I was able to get a little more clarity and peace as Aaron talked through it with me. And once we got home, we went ahead and purchased tickets for the game today (Sunday). It was my first major league baseball game (I've been to college and minor league games before), and it was at Wrigley (although the ivy isn't green yet), and the Cubs won in the 10th inning - quite exciting!

My internal debate over going to the Saturday game or going home is a small example of the recent pattern of anxiety in my heart. Troubles - big and small - are piling up right now, and I find myself doubting God's goodness and expecting the worst to happen. I won't be able to start working from home as soon as I was wanting, and my fleshly reaction is anger that the Lord would let yet another thing go wrong in my life (even though a month or so ago I was content without even knowing that working from home was a possibility!). I'm almost convinced that this IVF is going to be cancelled, either due to that loner follicle or to not having any eggs fertilize or some other unforeseen hitch. I certainly don't expect an end to suffering and sorrow any time soon. I've lost my hold on hope. I know that all the mounting major and minor mishaps - in work, in fertility, in relationships - don't alter the truth that God is working all things for good and that He is not giving me more than I can bear, but my grasp on that truth is tenuous at best right now. I know that God's kindess to me is shown clearly on the cross, but currently the cross seems dim. I keep reading the Word, singing to God, bringing my requests to the Savior, but light is only coming in glimpses and flashes these days. My soul is weary. Prayers and input are welcome and needed...