Late in Time

In many ways, I've been dreading this Christmas season. Yet another year has come and gone, and I am still not pregnant. I am certainly not celebrating baby's first Christmas. Two years have passed since Aaron and I sat in our car, stuck in a snowstorm on the way to West Virginia, and talked dreamily about how next year we'd probably be a family of three for the holidays. A year has passed since I thought that despite the disappointments of 2005, surely I would at least be pregnant by the end of 2006. I dare not hope for 2007. And not only is Christmas a painful reminder of the children we do not yet have, it is a season focused on the holiness of a birth. We tell and re-tell the amazing story of a virgin who conceived, for goodness' sake. I love the story, believe it with all my heart, but yet there is something about that miracle that can bring a small ache to my infertile soul.

So I dreaded Christmas this year. But God has mercifully given me a new measure of joy, instead of the heartache I anticipated. My circumstances are still difficult, my trial is not over, my temptations still press in. Yet I find myself singing. As we sang "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" in church a couple weeks ago, the Spirit illuminated to me the words, "Late in time behold him come, offspring of a virgin's womb." At first, I felt that pang, but then I really thought about those lyrics. Though he was suddenly and unexpectedly conceived (from a human perspective), Christ's birth was long awaited. A barren world yearned for centuries for the Messiah to come. Thousands lived and died, hoping for the birth of a Savior, trusting God's promise of a Redeemer. Human hearts were sick with sin and deferred hope. Then, oh miraculous act of love, God became man, took on flesh as a tiny infant. Immanuel. God with us. God with us in our deepest suffering. God with us to rescue us from his own wrath against our sin. God with us to give us himself.

This month, every time I think of the anguish of the past couple of years and the anxiety about the upcoming year, I remember. "Late in time behold him come." My years of waiting to conceive are small in comparison to the centuries that the world waited for the Savior to be born. My suffering - though still weighty - is infinitely lighter because I live after that birth, after Christ bore the burden of my sins. I am waiting for a baby, but I am not waiting for a Redeemer. I trust and hope that I will see my child's face one day; I know with certainty that I will see my Lord's face in heaven.

Oh Where, Oh Where Can She Be?

In case you've noticed my blogging hiatus, I say with abject humility that I have better reasons for it than Adam. In fact, I have about 55 reasons. Here are a few of them:

Aren't they precious reasons? Last Sunday, our church presented its children's Christmas musical. As director and co-author of the program, I've had my hands full. I am so grateful to the Lord for blessing the creation and production of this musical. The kids proclaimed the good news of Christmas with great joy through song and drama, and we were all delighted.

If you've been paying close attention, you might remember the footnote to this post. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that, but due to travel, a mission presentation, and musical rehearsals, I've only heard 2 complete sermons since September. Lord willing, I can reboot this part of the blog soon!

Brought to You by the Letter "M"

Bit of Miscellany #1
If you're playing along with the progesterone levels game, you'll be glad to know that I've managed to hit my highest peak yet - 40wupmL. And that was only 5dpo (for those unfamiliar with the infertility acronyms, that stands for "days past ovulation"), when progesterone usually crests at 7dpo.

Bit of Miscellany #2
Speaking of high peaks, did you know that when Aaron and I went to Galena for our anniversary two weeks ago, we were within a few miles of the highest elevation point in the state of Illinois? Yes, that's right folks, Charles Mound scales in at a lofty 1,235 feet above sea level. I should specify that it is the tallest natural point, because my sources tell me that the Sears Tower is actually taller. Aahh, the glories of the plains... Anyway, Aaron and I had hoped to visit this illustrious landmark, but sadly it is on private property and very rarely open to the public.

Bit of Miscellany #3
I've been monitoring visitors to my blog (yes, I am watching you!), and I'm a little curious about some of my readers. I can figure out who the Naperville & Wheaton, Waco & Austin readers are, for the most part. But who are my regular readers in San Marcos, TX*, and Clarksville, MD? And how about LaGrange, IL? Speak up if that's you; I'd like to meet you!

*I think the spellcheck tool likes Texas. It didn't question any of the cities named from the Lone Star State, but highlighted as suspicious all the cities in Illinois and Maryland.

If a Tree Falls...

...in an apartment in the middle of the night when the residents are sleeping, does anyone hear it?

Decidedly yes. At first it is a little mysterious. What was that crash and tinkling sound? After the husband and wife consult with each other, the husband gets up and goes to the living room. He confirms that, yes, the Christmas tree has fallen over at 4 a.m. The live Christmas tree with a stand full of water that is now all over the carpet. The Christmas tree that was just decorated that very evening, and now has strewn ornaments, lights, and garland like shrapnel. Oh, and what seems like about one-third of its needles have formed a new rug for the dining room.

It took us a very groggy hour to get the tree back up in the stand, hopefully more secure (although it did start to fall over two more times while we were cleaning up, so we're not holding our breath). Thankfully, only 2 ornaments broke, and neither had great sentimental value.

As Aaron said, "It's good to have midnight adventures every now and then." Like the time we woke up to water pouring through the heat lamp in our bathroom ceiling. Or the time we heard a huge crash in the kitchen, and Aaron threw his arm protectively across me and told me to wait while he confronted the burglar - which ended up being 2 shelves of mugs that fell and shattered on the tile floor. Good times, good times*.

*But I'd rather be woken up at 4 a.m. by a baby crying than my Christmas tree toppling...

Round 6, Day 9

Quick update after today's ultrasound and bloodwork:

I have one large follicle on each ovary (20mm and 17mm), plus several smaller ones as well. I'll do another dose of Follistim tonight and then have a Thanksgiving trigger shot. Nurse Answers informed me that we cannot do an IUI this round, due to a new policy at the clinic that all males must be tested for HIV and such before any procedures can be done. (The policy used to just include female patients, so I've already had this pointless-for-us blood panel done, but now Aaron too will get to undergo useless needle-sticking.) Instead of an IUI, we'll have timed intercourse. I'm actually grateful to God for this change. IUI's have been pretty stressful for us, and it would have been hard to rearrange a busy holiday weekend around a visit to the clinic in the northern suburbs. Technically, our chances of conceiving may be lower without the IUI, but I am daring to feel somewhat optimistic about this combination of high-tech medicine and old-fashioned baby-making. Only the Lord knows when and how he will bestow the gift of life, but I pray this will be the month!

Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."

Round 6, Day 8

Well, here we are, midway through another treatment cycle, and my blog has been pining away with no updates. (I have a good excuse, though - my husband whisked me away to this lovely B&B* for our anniversary; the house did offer internet access, but I love my husband more than my blog and therefore had better things to do with my time!) Here's the skinny on this month's fertility protocol:

Last Thursday's ultrasound showed that the monstrous cysts are completely and utterly gone - thank you, Lord! So I was given the all clear for another Clomid-IUI cycle, but this time with more injection fun! I'm adding at least 2 days of Follistim, a shot that is meant to thicken up my uterine lining (translation: we're trying to create a cozy environment for a little Patterson to snuggle up in for a good nine months, instead of a womb as a rocky place in which seed can find no purchase). As a result of the need to give myself a minimum of 3 shots this month (the new med and the one I already use to trigger ovulation), I am now the proud owner of a sharps container! Just looking out for the good garbagemen of Naperville... Anyway, I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see how the follicles and lining have developed, and pending those results, we'll probably do an IUI sometime this weekend. Please send Thanksgiving prayers our way!

Speaking of prayers, I had the following exchange with my 5-year-old nephew on Sunday:

"You and uncle Aaron are married, so you can have kids."

"That's true, we are. In fact, we would like that. You can ask God to give us a baby."

Without further ado, "Dear God, please help my uncle and aunt Andery to have a baby. Amen."



*for those of you who want to know which room we stayed in (Amanda), it was the Lene.

Inferdolatry Part 5

Thinking in terms of idolatry opened up a window of understanding into my current trial of infertility. "We don't simply suffer; we suffer as sinners with a deep propensity to run after god-replacements. And, as believers, we don't just suffer as sinners but as those who have been united with Christ and therefore no longer live under the mastery of sin" (Tripp, p. 93). Infertility is grievous; idolatry is even more grievous. I don't know how or when this affliction will end, but I do know that my idolatry will end, crumbling bit by bit here on earth and ultimately toppling when my Savior brings me to heaven. I know it will be an ongoing struggle, but I want to put my desire for a child into the proper orbit. I want God as the sun in the center of my solar system, and I want good things - like children - revolving like planets around him. 1 Peter 4:1-2 says, "Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." As I walk through the suffering of infertility, I want to see sin diminished in my life. I want suffering to make me more like my Savior. I will still have passions - included the intense yearning for children - but I should not live for them. I live for God, who is love and life.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." (1 John 5:20-21)

Inferdolatry Part 4

As I began to really see how I had made having a baby into an idol, I became very discouraged. I felt like the battle for my heart had already been lost. I was living as a functional atheist; how could I hope to change? I couldn't imagine ever wanting a baby any less. Satisfaction in God alone seemed impossible. But I had forgotten that the battle lines are not just drawn between me and my desires. The real fight is between God an my idolatry. Referring to James 4:1-10, Paul Tripp says:

"We are not battling by ourselves - God battles for us! James is saying, 'Don't you know that the Spirit who lives inside you envies intensely? In the middle of the battle you can't forget that God is a jealous God. He loves you too much to make room for other lovers. He will oppose your proud and self-absorbed living, not because he is against you, but because he loves you.' Praise God that he will settle for nothing short of the final victory in our hearts. Our hope to be who we were meant to be is directly tied to his jealous desire for our hearts....
...James says more. This jealous God is a giver of grace, the most powerful weapon in the war for the heart. God's grace gives us power to say no to powerful desires. It enables us to turn from the creation toward the Creator. It makes us willing to forsake our kingdoms for his. God's grace forgives, but it also constrains and draws and wins. It is jealous, God-focused grace, fitted for the moments we are tempted to follow our desires" (p. 84).

God wants my heart. He will make himself greater and more satisfying in my eyes than pregnancy or motherhood. No matter how great my yearning for a child, he will not rest until my affections and desires for him are even greater. He is my Hope.

Inferdolatry Part 3

The following quote really stood out to me as a picture of what has happened in my heart during my experience of infertility; I was both convicted and encouraged, and I hope you might be, too!

“If my heart is ruled by the desire for a certain thing, it will affect my relationship with God in two principal ways. First, it will shape my attitude when I pray. Rather than prayer being a worshipful act of submission to God, I will pray self-centered and demanding prayers – if I pray at all. I may be so intent on getting what I want that I forget God. Not only will my attitude in prayer be affected, but the kind of god I want will change as well. Let me explain.
If a certain set of desire rules my heart, I will not want God to be a wise, loving, sovereign Father who gives me what he knows is best. Instead, I will want a divine waiter who delivers what I have set my heart on….
When a certain set of desires rules our hearts, we reduce prayer to the menu of human desire. Worse, we shrink God from his position of all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful Father to a divine waiter we expect to deliver everything we ask. But God will not shrink to this size. He will only be our Father and King, who ‘satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s’ (Ps. 103.5). He knows what is best, and he will not let there be peace until he alone controls our hearts. He is a Warrior King, who will not rest when we are captive to other kings. He fights for us, for the thoughts and desires of our hearts.”
Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, p. 83

Inferdolatry Part 2

How does the good desire for a child turn into an idol? On pp. 86-87 of Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, Paul Tripp narrates the progression of idolatry. What starts as a desire becomes a demand, then a perceived need, which leads to expectation and disappointment. When my desire for children becomes a demand, I start insisting that God ought to give me a baby when and how I want one. "Demand is the closing of my fists over a desire. Even though I may be unaware that I have done it, I have left my proper position of submission to God. I have decided that I must have what I have set my heart on and nothing can stand in the way. I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me; I am threatened by it, because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand" (p. 86). Then, the demand for children according to my plan becomes, in my mind, a need. I start to believe that I need children to be happy, to be satisfied, to have any joy. So I set up expectations: if children are what I need to have a good life, God will give them to me, right? If I can just get God to agree with me about how important this is, he'll make sure our family grows according to my plans. These are the false expectations produced by my demand. Then, when God doesn't accept my dictation, when his accomplishment of his perfect purposes doesn't match up with my idea of what I need, I am disappointed with him. He has not in fact disappointed or tempted me, but when the Lord of all doesn't bow down in worship to my idol of a baby, I wrongly accuse him of being unloving, unfair, unkind, and generally against me. I stop believing his character and his promises. In essence, I become just like the people described in Romans 1:22-23. "Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." God offers me the glory of Christ and of sharing with him in his sufferings, and I think I would rather have a baby instead. No wonder I end up so miserable in the face of my struggles with infertility!

Inferdolatry

James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

What has infertility to do with idolatry? (Apologies to Tertullian.) At first glance, not much. Infertility is technically defined as the inability to conceive after one year of trying. Idolatry makes most people think of little statues and false gods. But when you define idolatry as worshiping anything other than the one true, triune God, a connection between infertility and idolatry is made. Infertility is difficult for me primarily because I desire a child more than I desire God.

James 1 tells me that it is my own desire that entices me away from loving God. All the sins that have been exposed in my life over the past year and a half - jealousy, self-pity, anxiety, unbelief, pride - they all have been conceived by my desire for a child. (Not the kind of conception I'm really aiming for!) This does not mean that my desire for a child is itself wrong or sinful. In fact, God's word makes it clear that children are gifts, blessings. But most idolatry lies not in what we want, but in wanting it too much. If I pursue something good, like a child, more than I pursue my Lord and Savior, who is good and does good, then I am an idolater.

I've spent some time in recent weeks reading through Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands Ch. 5 and meditating on James 1 & 4 and Galatians 5. I'd like to take several posts to share what I've learned about the idolatry in my heart and about the hope for change offered to me by Jesus. Here's a quote from the beginning of Paul Tripp's book to set a foundation for the rest to come:

"As sinners, we have a natural bent to turn away from the Creator to serve the creation. We turn away from hope in a Person to hope in systems, ideas, people, or possessions. Real Hope stares us in the face, but we do not see Him. ... We must not offer people a system of redemption, a set of insights and principles. We offer people a Redeemer." (p. 8)

Round 5, Day 3

My ultrasound today revealed cysts - 2 enormous ones on my left ovary and 2 little ones that don't matter on my right. Wendy's eyes widened as soon as she saw the image on the screen, and she was very surprised that I wasn't in severe pain from them. She showed me the pictures so that I could see what was happening to my poor overburdened ovary.

The right looked something like this - see the faint oval oultine with the little black dots? The ovary is the oval shape, and it's about normal size. The little black dots are small cysts; I have 2 about 11mm each (anything under 16mm is fine for proceeding with fertility treatment).

The left, however, looked like this - that big black circle is one huge cyst, with the ovary swollen around it. Only I have 2 of those, approximately 2 inches each, bulging together. Not a pretty picture.

So, at least another month off before we attempt a new protocol. I'm supposed to take it easy for a little bit, so those fatties don't bust. Although I was praying for no cysts, I am asking God to help me see even them as a gift from Him. On a lighter note, at least all that cystiness explains the sudden swelling of my abdomen in the past couple weeks - I like that explanation better than blaming it on all the yummy desserts I was fed in Texas!

A Suitable Prayer

This morning I prayed the following prayer from The Valley of Vision, words that suited my soul but that I never would have come up with on my own:

Sovereign Lord,
When clouds of darkness, atheism, and unbelief come to me,
I see thy purpose of love,
in withdrawing the Spirit that I might prize him more,
in chastening me for my confidence in past successes,
that my wound of secret godlessness might be cured.
Help me to humble myself before thee
by seeing the vanity of honour as a conceit of men's minds,
as standing between me and thee;
by seeing that thy will must alone be done,
as much in denying as in giving spiritual enjoyments;
by seeing that my heart is nothing but evil,
mind, mouth, life void of thee;
by seeing that sin and Satan are allowed power in me
that I might know my sin, be humbled,
and gain strength thereby;
by seeing that unbelief shuts thee from me,
so that I sense not thy majesty, power, mercy, or love.
Then possess me, for thou only art good and worthy.

Thou dost not play in convicting me of sin,
Satan did not play in tempting me to it,
I do not play when I sink in deep mire,
for sin is no game, no toy, no bauble;
Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin
lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed,
as in the greatness of the person sinned against.
When I am afraid of evils to come, comfort me, by showing me
that in myself I am a dying, condemned wretch,
but that in Christ I am reconciled, made alive, and satisfied;
that I am feeble and unable to do any good,
but that in him I can do all things;
that what I now have in Christ is mine in part,
but that shortly I shall have it perfectly in heaven.

"Humiliation," The Valley of Vision, p. 79

Results

Negative. Again.

The pregnancy blood test I had done at the clinic yesterday was pointless, as I started my period two hours later.

I am disappointed and discouraged, struggling to believe that God's grace is sufficient for me. It doesn't seem like I will ever be satisfied in Christ alone.

And Now, for Something Completely Different (in Honour* of Snow)

A couple days after coming home from my visit to Texas, we had our first snowfall of the season! I heard on the news that it was the fifth earliest snowfall in the Chicago area in the past 125 years. The flurries of white flakes were lovely, but of course didn’t last. However, all this cold weather (plus a conversation with my friend Amanda in Waco) got me thinking about my favorite cozy crock-pot meals. I thought I’d do something completely new on my blog and post a couple tasty recipes.

Parmesan Chicken Chowder (from Jen Flock)

3-4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
3-4 baking potatoes, cleaned & diced
4 carrots, peeled & sliced ¼” thick
2 ribs celery, sliced ¼” thick
1 onion, diced
3 cups water
Salt & pepper
4 tbsp butter
¼ cup flour
2 cups milk
1 cup peas (thawed if frozen)
1 cup corn (thawed if frozen)
1/3 cup Parmesan, shredded or grated

Put chicken, potatoes, carrots, celery, onion & water in crockpot. Season with salt & pepper. Cook all day. Chicken should shred easily when done. 15 minutes before serving, melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Add flour, whisking for 2 minutes or until smooth. Slowly whisk in milk. Stir milk mixture into chicken mixture. Add peas, corn, and Parmesan to the chowder and stir to combine. Serve with crusty bread.

Boeuf Bourguignon (modified from a recipe in Everyday Food magazine)

2-3 lbs boneless chuck roast, trimmed of excess fat
¼ cup flour
6 medium carrots, peeled & sliced ½” thick
1 onion, diced
4 slices bacon, cooked & crumbled
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 lb cremini or button mushrooms, halved if large & stems trimmed
2 tbsp tomato paste
½ tsp dried thyme
Salt & pepper
1 bottle dry red wine

Place chuck roast in bottom of crockpot. Sprinkle with flour; season with salt & pepper. Add carrots, onion, bacon, garlic, mushrooms & tomato paste. Season with thyme, salt & pepper. Pour wine over all. Cook on high all day (8+ hours). Meat should fall apart when stirred. (This recipe is even better reheated as leftovers, so you can also cook it overnight, refrigerate it during the day, and warm it up for dinner.)

*I’ve always thought the British spelling of words that Americans end in “or” was much more sophisticated. This seemed like a good time to use the British way.

Benefits Beyond

We had care group scheduled for the day that Aaron & I both returned from traveling, so our dear friends Josh & Katie offered to lead the meeting for us. Much to our surprise, they took part of the meeting to ask members of our care group to share how they see evidence of God’s grace at work in our lives. We were incredibly blessed and humbled by that time. One thing particularly stood out to me – many people shared how Aaron cares for people effectively and has grown in leadership. As these comments were being made, my eyes were opened to see a broader horizon of how God has been using the trial of infertility. As I have struggled through the challenges of the past two years, my husband has had to learn how to care for me in the midst of difficulty. He has had to lead us through many decisions, and he has had to point me to the Lord’s grace again and again as my sins have been exposed. Sitting in care group, I realized that not only have I been the beneficiary of Aaron’s growth in loving leadership, but other friends have received that increased care as well. I can get so focused on asking, “What is God doing in my life through my suffering?” – and I think that is a helpful question to ask. But I needed that last care group meeting to see that God has bigger purposes in mind than just my growth. He works all things together for good to all those who love him. In this trial, that means me as I’ve been sanctified and drawn closer to my Savior. It also means my husband, who has learned greater compassion and leadership. And it means our friends in care group, who have benefited from Aaron’s growth (and maybe mine, too). It lightens the load of affliction just a little bit to have my eyes taken off myself to see what God is accomplishing through circumstances that I would not have chosen. When I get these glimpses, I can honestly say that the suffering has been worth the spiritual fruit (although I certainly won’t complain if this trial comes to and end soon!).

Just the Facts, Ma'am

Here are the recent facts for Round 4:

IUI – Oct. 4
It was okay, and we were very grateful to squeeze it in before our travels. Aaron’s counts were a little lower than before, but he had 100% motility (which is a good thing, if you’re not familiar with all the terminology). Nurse Answers was great, as usual, and took the time to look at his previous counts, assured us that we still had enough for our IUI, and promised to keep an eye on future numbers. During and after the IUI, I had quite a bit of discomfort from cramping, but it wasn’t exceedingly painful.

Progesterone test – Oct. 11
My levels were very good again – 25wupmL. Clomid certainly seems to do the trick for me; we just need to get sperm to meet egg when I’m on the medication!

That’s all until this Wednesday, when we should know the big result. Honestly, I’m not very expectant (no pun intended), but I’m trying to find true hope in Christ rather than turning to either wishful thinking or pessimism.

Round 4, Day 11

Quick update before I leave for a much-anticipated vacation...

I had an ultrasound yesterday that showed 3 large follicles on my right ovary (20mm, 18mm & 16mm) and one medium follicle on my left ovary (13mm) - another big response to the meds. In fact, Wendy was astonished at how many well-developed follicles I had! All that to say, Nurse Answers told me to go ahead and trigger last night (an event that was not nearly as nerve-wracking as the first time). We go in for our IUI tomorrow morning, right before we each leave for our respective trips (Aaron to Pennsylvania and West Virginia, me to Texas). If this IUI works, we'll have quite the story to tell our child someday. "Honey, you were conceived while mommy was on a plane flying in the opposite direction of your daddy..." Not exactly anyone's romanticized idea of starting a family, but we'll take it any way it comes!

I may blog while I'm on vacation, but I may not. If you live in Austin or Waco, I hope to see you while I'm in town!

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Happy Birthday, Aaron!

Wasn't my hubby a cute baby?

Happy birthday, my dear husband. You are my love and my laughter. You are my encourager and comforter. You are "more to me than ten sons" (1 Sam. 1:8). What could be better than getting to share every day of life with you? I can't imagine where I would be without your friendship, your leadership, your help, your humor, and your affection. With you I know that "God's best gifts put man's best dreams to shame." So on your birthday, I celebrate you and look forward to enjoying every moment together.

With all that I am and all that I have, I honor you.

Your devoted wife,
Andrea

Round 4, Day 4

Well, my last cycle decided to break records and last for 29 days - maybe normal for the majority of women, but 4 days longer than my average and 3 days longer than the longest cycle I have had over the past 2 years. To some, a late period might indicate pregnancy, but as my husband was unfortunately out of town during the crucial days last month, I wasn't fooled - just impatient to start a new cycle already! If I had been one day later, we probably would have had to take yet another month off, because we're both traveling Oct. 4-10 (a trip we were sure would not interfere because my cycles have been so predictably 25 days long). Another lesson that God is in control and I am not...

So I went in yesterday for my day 3 ultrasound and bloodwork. All levels normal, all systems go. Nurse Answers was not in yesterday or today, so I didn't get to ask her if we'll still be able to do an IUI before we head out of town. I'll call her tomorrow to ask. In the meantime, I swallowed the first of five Clomid pills yesterday and I've ordered my trigger shot. Monday is my next appointment, an ultrasound to check my follicles and lining. I'm praying that we will be all set at that point for triggering and doing an IUI next Wednesday morning before we head to the airport. Even if my lining or follicles aren't quite ready yet, I'll probably still beg for a Wednesday morning IUI. After all the recent delays, I'm ready to grovel. But again, God is in control and I am not.

Uncertain Riches

I did not have time last week to post on the message given at church on 9/10 - it was an excellent one on evangelism and you can listen to it here.

Last Sunday, Tab began a new series on true riches with a message on "Uncertain Riches." His text was 1 Timothy 6:17 - "As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy." Most of us in America are among the top 5-15% of the world's wealthy, so this verse applies to us. Tab gave us 2 charges: 1) don't be proud about your wealth; 2) don't trust in your wealth. When it comes to money, we are tempted to believe two lies. First, we are tempted to believe that we are better than others because of what we have. Second, we are tempted to believe that riches provide us with security. In reality, anything we have has been provided by God (who caused us to be born in this time and place, who gave us minds to be educated, who opened jobs for us, who sustains our bodies so that we can enjoy our food and our belongings). And material blessings are temporal and uncertain, but God is our Eternal Rock!

Ultimately, we need to believe and be satisfied in Jesus Christ, the richest provision ever given. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Rom. 8:32). This is a promise I need to apply to our saving and spending, to my pursuit of spiritual growth, and to all of my desires. I'm looking forward to the rest of this series.

Spurgeon Excerpt

I was recently encouraged by this excerpt from C.H. Spurgeon in "Beside Still Waters":

I believe that God, who has appointed it, has also measured your trouble, set its bounds, and will bring it to an end. His gracious design is in all your difficulties. Do not think that God deals roughly with His children and gives them needless pain. "He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men" (Lam. 3:33). "He has torn, but He will heal" (Hosea 6:1).

Has not God helped you out of one trouble after another? Do you suppose that He will leave you in this trouble? "He shall deliver you in six troubles, yes, in seven no evil shall touch you" (Job 5:19).

This particular water, in which you are now struggling, is intended and included in this promise, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you" (Is. 43:2).

It is, I must confess, sometimes difficult to apply the promises to a particular case. Sometimes unbelief fights hard. But remember, unless the promise is applied it is like medicine that is not taken. It may be powerful, but it is worthless unless applied.

Ask for grace, that you may believe while you are still under the cloud. Regardless of how dark the cloud, it contains blessings. "If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves upon the earth" (Eccl. 11:3).

Good Words from My Husband

My husband is very funny; that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Recently, his humor has begun to extend into the world of fertility. Here are a couple wisecracks he made this weekend:

I was experiencing some pretty sharp ovulation pangs (which I never had before taking Clomid, but have had each month since). Imagine a side cramp from running, but the pain is located about 3 inches below and to the side of your bellybutton. Anyway, I was joking with Aaron about how it is pretty inconvenient to have cramps that make a girl want to avoid intimacy around ovulation time when trying to conceive. "I mean," I said, "it's fairly counterproductive." Without missing a beat, he turned to me and said, "Counter-REproductive!" (That may only be funny to you if you're as immersed in all things reproductive as we are, but I thought it was pretty clever!)

Later this weekend, we were talking about baby names. Tongue in cheek, Aaron asked, "Do you think it would be presumptuous to give a child the first name 'Saint'?"

His words often make me laugh. His words also often remind me of the truth I need to hear. After he picked me up from a baby shower this weekend, I cried to him in the car about how hard it is that what should be a special occasion to rejoice brings up so many feelings of hurt. I want to ooh and aah over all the cute baby clothes, but instead every outfit is a stabbing reminder of what I do not have. I want to laugh at the funny stories of breastfeeding, but instead I ache to wonder if I will ever experience that with a child of mine. Before we started trying to conceive, I could enjoy all of those things because I assumed they would be part of my life, too, someday. Now, I just don't know if that will be the case. I ended by wailing to Aaron, "If only I knew for sure that we would conceive, and when, it would be so much easier!" He wisely and kindly responded, "It's true that you don't know what will happen, if you'll ever be pregnant or not, but you do know one thing about your future. You know that one day you will be in heaven with our Savior." Ah, what good words. I don't know how my story will unfold in the years to come, but I do know the end of my story. And knowing that I have been redeemed so that I can be with my Lord in eternity, where every tear will be wiped away, makes everything easier to bear.

Not So Long and Dull After All

Psalm 119 is infamous for its 176 verses extolling the law of God. I used to be daunted by its length and considered it rather dry and boring. I am currently following a Bible reading plan that includes going through the psalms twice in one year, and when I first got to Psalm 119 about six months ago I gave an inward groan and geared myself up for anticipated arduousness. I expected dullness; instead, I found richness that called out to me in my suffering. Reading this psalm in the midst of the most severe trial of my life, the words of this psalm leapt out to me in a way they never had before. No longer filtering into my brain as a drone of "law, blah, blah, law, blah," I heard precious promises of the unspeakable comfort to be found in God's word during times of senseless sorrow. Here are some favorite selections:

"My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!" (v. 28)

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." (v. 50)

"You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." (v. 68)

"It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." (v. 71)

"Your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice, because I have hoped in your word. I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant." (v. 73-76)

"My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your work. My eyes long for your promise; I ask, "When will you comfort me?" (v. 81-82)

"If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." (v. 92)

"I am severely afflicted; give me life, O Lord, according to your word!" (v. 107)

"Uphold me according to your promise, that I may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope!" (v. 116)

"Trouble and anguish have found me out, but your commandments are my delight." (v. 143)

"Let my plea come before you; deliver me according to your word." (v. 170)

When I recently read Psalm 119 for the second time this year, I approached it with eager delight. I knew I would find the sweet balm of comfort, the antidote to my despairing feelings in the face of affliction. These words don't make suffering vanish, they don't explain why hardships happen, but they consistently remind me that my troubles are not in vain in the hands of the God who defines good. His promises are precious because they lead me to know my Savior better, and they are truer than any earthly experience. I want, like the psalmist, to embrace my suffering as a means of drawing closer to the God who has afflicted me in faithfulness and love, for my good.

Psalm 119 now ranks high on my list of recommended reading for anyone enduring a trial. It has become one of my favorite passages in the Bible, a storehouse of wisdom and comfort written by a fellow sufferer who knew anguish but knew God better.

A Heart for the Lost

Sunday's message on Jonah 4 was given by our swell "junior pastor," Josh. The main point was that God does not just want us to bring his message to the lost, but he wants us to bring his attitude of mercy to the lost. Two main hindrances to sharing God's heart for the lost are self-righteousness and self-centeredness. Tab suggested that we cultivate a Christ-like compassion for the lost by praying daily this week for one unbeliever in our lives. I want to pray this week for my ultrasound tech at the fertility clinic. (Yes, this is the same lady who I called by the wrong name for months! I called her Wendy, which is not her name, but I'll call her that on my blog. Wendy the Wander...) When I am in a treatment cycle, I see Wendy on a weekly basis, and we usually have plenty of time to chat while I lay on the examining table. I've already heard some of her story, and she obviously knows a big part of mine. I hope to be able to get to know her better and to share my faith with her over the coming months. In the meantime, I'll be praying for God to give me his love for her.

On a side note, as Josh spoke about self-righteousness, he mentioned that we can often have this same attitude toward fellow believers, saying in our hearts that others don't deserve the blessings they receive. I have often been guilty of that in the area of fertility. In my pride, I think that I deserve a child more than others who are pregnant or who have babies. Thankfully, as God has shown me my sin more clearly, I am less prone to think that I merit the gift of children at all, let alone more than others. However, a more subtle form of the same attitude has cropped up lately. I look at those who have been pregnant during the time we have been trying to conceive, and I wonder, "What spiritual quality do they have that I don't yet? What lessons have they learned from God that I still need to learn? If only I can find out, I can finally get to the point where God is willing to give me a child." Even though I am not elevating myself above others by those thoughts, I am still basically trying to earn a blessing from God - and it is the height of pride to think that I could ever be worthy of God's favor! But my merciful Savior freely pursues me and lavishly blesses me, not as a reward for anything I do, but as the lover of my sinful soul. He did not wait for me to obey before he saved me, and he is not waiting for me to attain some degree of spiritual maturity before he gives me children. He is fulfilling all his good purposes for me in his good time.

Judgment, Repentance, and Mercy

Last Sunday, Josh preached from Jonah 3 on "Judgment, Repentance, and Mercy." During the message, he described genuine repentance as having the following characteristics:

1) Genuine repentance involves faith.
2) Genuine repentance involves changed behavior.
3) Genuine repentance involves everything in life.
4) Genuine repentance involves a recognition of guilt.
5) Genuine repentance involves looking to God for mercy.

He then asked the following questions for application. Where in my life is God calling me to repent? An area of unbelief? A behavior that hasn't noticeably changed? An area of life that I won't surrender to God?

I can think of many areas where I need to repent these days. Lack of faith that God is working all things for my good. Anxiety about the future - about how many more hurdles we'll have to jump before having a child, about how many more other babies I will see born before I conceive. A proud posture that thinks my will for my life is better than God's. Infertility is proving to be an area of life that I must surrender to God over and over again. I easily get overwhelmed, despairing that I will ever grow Christ-like enough to humbly accept this trial from the hand of God. The problem when I reach this point is that I get paralyzed; I need to repent of so many things, where do I begin? In those times, I need to ask for help. I need to ask my husband if he sees one area I can focus on (this has helped me so much in the past). The input of close friends helps, too. Above all, I need to believe that God intends to show mercy. He will give his Holy Spirit to guide me. He gives everything that I need for life and godliness through Jesus Christ. So I can repent, not with fear, but with faith.

The Patterson Clan Goes Botanic

We visited the Chicago Botanic Gardens with Aaron's family while they were in town at the beginning of August. Here are a few pictures...

Laurie & the WV nephews, Samuel & Carter

Isaiah, the Chicago gangsta

nephews in the model train garden

And the next one's for Rishi...

Round 3, Day 4

Day 4 was yesterday. I had my ultrasound. Thankfully, the cyst on my left ovary is completely gone. Sadly, Nurse Answers confirmed that Aaron's business trip in early September means that we should not pursue treatment this cycle. Logically, it makes sense; I wouldn't want to take Clomid for a poorly-timed cycle and risk forming another cyst that would prevent us from trying next cycle when timing should not be an issue. Emotionally, it was a really tough blow to hear that we have to face yet another delay. I feel as though God is opposed to us having a child, sending every possible obstacle our way. What hope do we have for children if God is against us? I'm struggling for faith to see that God proved he is for me by sending Jesus to die on the cross. I'm fighting to treasure a relationship with my Lord above the dream of snuggling a beautiful newborn baby of our own. I want to really functionally believe that God's plans are better than mine, his good is better than I can imagine, his glory is worth my suffering.

Psalm 119:28 My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!

Round 3, Day 1

Here I am, beginning a new cycle. For once, I am actually glad. Since I didn't really expect much out of this non-treatment cycle, starting anew means that I can find out if my cyst is gone and can most likely do a round of Clomid and IUI. I'll go to Dr. Peppy's office on Monday for a baseline ultrasound. (That is, if the ultrasound tech will consent to see me after I've been calling her by the wrong name for months! Oops!) Please pray that the cyst is gone, or at least small enough to proceed with medication. We're also a little concerned about the timing of this cycle. Aaron has a business trip scheduled for Sept. 5-8, which could be when I am ovulating. Hopefully, we'll be able to squeak in an IUI before he leaves, but I need to get an opinion from Nurse Answers (I've decided to nickname her that, because she always answers all my questions). Ultimately, it's in God's hands.

Oh, remember what I said above about not expecting much out of this cycle? Well, here's a prime example of the irrational wishful thinking common to infertiles. A mental conversation between Rational and Irrational Me at 5:30 p.m. yesterday evening:

Rational Me: Well, well, well. Cramping and spotting. A day later than usual, but this must be my period starting.

Irrational Me: You know, you might have ovulated later this cycle due to the cyst. Maybe that's implantation spotting and you're pregnant!

Rational Me: No, no, no. Remember, our body needs drugs to be pregnancy-friendly. We didn't have drugs this month. I'm not pregnant.

Irrational Me: Okay, how about this idea? The cyst is just now going away! Nurse Answers said that you might have cramping and bleeding when that happens. The pangs in your abdomen and the spotting aren't an impending period; they're because the cyst is going away and you're pregnant!

Rational Me: No, I'm not! Cramping and spotting on day 26 of a 25-day-average-cycler is a period beginning!

Irrational Me: We could take that pregnancy test in the bathroom cabinet and find out...

Rational Me: No. We will wait until the morning and know that we are not pregnant because we'll have our period. End of conversation!

Thankfully, Rational Me won out and was vindicated when I woke up this morning. How is it possible to know I'm not pregnant and yet still get my hopes up? This happens every month...

I am praying this verse for the new cycle: "Save us, we pray, O Lord! O Lord, we pray, give us success!" (Psalm 118:25).

At the Appointed Time

"You have been seeking help in prayer and you have believed that help would come, but it has been long delayed. Month after month you have put up storm signals, and yet the blessed lifeboat of your heavenly Father's mercy has not come to your almost wrecked vessel. 'At the appointed time the end shall be' (Dan. 8:19). The time is not for you to appoint. To set times for God to answer prayer is always wrong. He who gives has the right to choose the time of the gift. God has appointed the time of your deliverance. Let hell and earth do what they will, for at the time appointed deliverance will surely come."

-C.H. Spurgeon, Beside Still Waters

The Grace I Need

On Sunday, Tab preached an excellent message from Jonah 2, "Salvation Belongs to the Lord." (You should soon be able to listen to it here.) The two main points were that 1) God hears our cries of distress and 2) God's grace delivers us from our distress. The whole message was encouraging, but I was helped most by part of the second point. Here's a quick summary: We need to apply the truth that salvation belongs to the Lord to our current distress, but we don't always know what that looks like. God could give delivering grace that puts an end to the distress, or he could give sustaining grace that helps us endure through difficulty. No matter what, we who believe have already been given ultimate deliverance from our greatest distress, our sin that merits the wrath of God, through the cross where Christ suffered that distress in our place.

As I have faced the distress of infertility, I have cried out often for delivering grace. I want God to put an end to this trial by blessing us with children soon. While it is not a bad thing to ask for delivering grace, I realized that I have been rejecting any other form of grace as not good enough. God has provided me with plenty of sustaining grace over the past year, but I quickly overlook that. I too often fail to notice God's goodness in strengthening me to endure infertility, in enabling me to battle against sins like jealousy and self-pity and to actually make some progress! Even worse, I minimize the greatness of the ultimate delivering grace of salvation. "So what if I've been saved from my sins," I scoff. "What does it matter that I have an eternal relationship with a loving God, if I can't have a baby?" Okay, I don't actually say those things (maybe I should, so I would be more properly horrified by my unbelief!). But my lack of joy and refusal to be comforted by the gospel in the midst of trial basically says the same thing. The gospel DOES matter; it should put my infertility in perspective and should increase my trust in the Father who did not spare his own Son for me and who will never withhold good from me. Though I may have pretty strong feelings about the kind of grace I want, the Lord will always give me the kind of grace I need.

Note: I would like to start devoting one post a week to reflections on the Sunday message. Hopefully, this will be the first of many!

Fighting Self-Pity

In D.A. Carson's commentary on 1 Kings 19 in For the Love of God Vol. 1, he examines some of the ways that Elijah gives into "the despair of unfulfilled expectations." As I read that this week, I found myself really resonating with Carson's description of Elijah. Though I am not particularly tempted at this very moment, self-pity has called like a siren during this extended season of unfulfilled expectations, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. I have adapted some of Carson's thoughts into a plan to fight against self-pity.

1) Be honest about the facts (don't exaggerate). I give into self-pity when I only focus on a momentary trouble and magnify how bad it is, rather than acknowledging that there are blessings in my life as well as trials. For example, when I found out about our need to do IUI or about the cyst, my first reaction was, "Everything that can go wrong does!" While both of those were truly disappointing setbacks, my response exaggerated the problem and overlooked the many positives in our battle against infertility (only facing one hormonal problem, great doctor & nurses, excellent insurance, good response to medication, etc.). Not only that, my response overlooked the big picture of my salvation and sanctification.

2) Don't judge the hearts of others. Self-pity not only affects me, it affects how I view others. I feed my self-pity by thinking, "No one else cares. No one else understands. No one else realizes how hard this is for me." In reality, I am surrounded by people who care, who want to offer comfort, who want to help me escape from sin and trust God through this trial. I do a great disservice to those people when I judge them out of my self-pity.

3) Remember God's promises. In the throes of self-pity, my circumstances and emotions seem so much more real and true than God's word. But I can nip self-pity in the bud by having faith that God's promises (to be faithful, to do good, to sanctify me, to bless me) are true even when I cannot see them or feel them.

4) Remember that God will not always work in the obvious way I want him to. I have great ideas about how God should work - he should end this trial by letting us conceive a healthy baby! I've learned all my lessons, right? He'll get glory by answering my prayers as soon as possible, right? Seems like a good idea to me... But when I think I know best how God should work in my life, I am easily tempted to self-pity when God does not work how I expect. I need to trust that his ways are higher than mine.

5) Find others to carry part of your burden. When I give into self-pity, I tend to isolate myself. Then, it becomes that much easier to exaggerate how bad my circumstances are, to judge others as uncaring, to ignore God's promises, and to complain about God not working how I want. When I am the only human audience for these thoughts, they start to dig in deep. But if I open up to others - my husband first, and then other friends - my sin is exposed and can be addressed and corrected, my despair is lessened as others help me, and I am pointed back to my loving and trustworthy God.

I think if I can even remember one of these things when I am tempted, it would throw a big wrench into the cogs of self-pity. By the Spirit's help, I hope to be able to capture self-pitying thoughts more and more quickly as time goes on. May he "fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified" (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)!

Top 5 Tag

Thanks to Adam, I've gotten my first official tag! He wants to know my top 5 reasons for blogging. In no particular order:

1. To keep family and friends near and far updated about our progress with infertility treatments. It's a lot easier to provide one centralized source of information, rather than saying the same things over again (although I don't mind talking about it, if people ask).
   
2. As a form of journaling. A friend asked me if I was journaling about this season, and while I have been keeping a journal of my times in God's word, I was not chronicling the specific events, thoughts, and emotions related to infertility. I want to have a record of this very life-defining trial, so that I don't forget the details what I am learning and experiencing. God-willing, I will one day share these writings (at least in part) with our children, to let them know how they were sought after and how God worked.
   
3. I also enjoy writing, and I don't think I've ever enjoyed it so much as in the format of blogging.
   
4. I have been inspired by other blogs - friends' blogs, ministry-related blogs, and infertility blogs.
   
5. I want the Lord to be magnified through this trial, and blogging gives me one way to speak publicly about his goodness and greatness to me in the midst of difficulty.

I realize that most of these reasons have to do with infertility, because infertility is rather consuming in our lives right now. But I do plan to continue blogging after the battle with infertility is finally over, whenever that day comes. I'll just have to change my top 5 reasons then!

Someone Else's Thoughts

I've been thinking lately about how I seem to live my life in two week increments as a result of infertility. I start a new cycle, and I spent two weeks waiting to ovulate, living with the knowledge that I am not pregnant. Then, I ovulate, and I spend two weeks waiting to find out if we conceived, adjusting my habits according to the fact that I might be pregnant (i.e., having only one cup of coffee or tea per day, not doing exercises that pregnant women are supposed to avoid). Then I start a new cycle, go back to my un-pregnant habits, and begin all over again.

Another blogger wrote a thoughtful post about the infertility pattern of waiting and wishing; you can read it here.

Apology

Public sin merits a public confession. This morning I read the words, "Do all things without grumbling or questioning," in Philippians 1:14. Conviction immediately settled in. I spent the whole of yesterday grumbling and questioning over the news of the cyst. I grumbled and questioned on my blog. Please forgive me.

It's easy to justify grumbling. My circumstances are difficult. The heat of temptation is real. But my response came straight out of my sinful heart, a heart that doesn't want to trust God when things don't go the way I want. A heart that can say, "Yes, God, you were good to save me. Yes, you were good to bless me with a wonderful husband. Yes, you were good to put me in such an outstanding local church. But I don't like infertility, so you must not be good to me in that area." Because I don't get a detailed letter from God explaining every reason why he has ordained this particular suffering for me, I complain and doubt and ask, "Why, why, why?" I decide that my emotions and perceptions are more infallible than God's word.

But God's word says that he is good and does good; he is full of steadfast love and faithfulness; he is trustworthy and there is no unrighteousness in him. My doubtful grumblings and questionings dishonor that God, but that God paid the ultimate price to forgive my grumblings and questionings.

Has the temptation to grumble and question gone away? No. I still don't understand or want this hardship. I still worry that my fears of more fertility setbacks will come true. But I have fresh conviction to take those thoughts captive and to fix my gave on my kind and lovely Savior.

Unexpected Comfort

Here is the postponed post, written the day before I found out about the cyst. What a difference a day makes!

A week or so before the end of my last cycle, I read Psalm 77. I expected that I would echo the sentiments of the Psalmist if I found out that I was not pregnant.

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate my spirit faints.

"Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"

There have been so many times over the past year that my heart has asked those same questions, wondering if God had abandoned me. There have been so many times when it has seemed impossible to find comfort for my soul. And while I still find myself wondering why God did not allow us to conceive last month, I have been surprised this weekend by an underlying trust that God is being kind even as He says, "No," to my pleading for a child. I have found a bittersweet comfort in God's sovereignty. When I am tempted to question what went wrong last month (did we have poor egg or sperm quality? did my progesterone tank after such good numbers?), I can silence those worries by recognizing that we did not conceive because God did not allow it. Does that mean God is spurning us? While it may seem that way, His promises to work all for good have not ended. God became flesh and died on a cross to ensure that He could always look favorably upon us. His steadfast love was proven at Calvary and endures today. So I am grieving the failure of another chance to conceive, but meditating on God's faithfulness and past work made it possible for me to trust God with my sorrow, to surrender my desires to His will, and to keep waiting for His blessing.

Then I said, "I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph.

Round 2, Day 4

Yesterday, I composed a post about how God helped me to trust Him after this weekend's disappointing news. However, that post will have to wait because today I received more bad news, and I'm having a hard time seeing God's goodness.

My baseline ultrasound this morning revealed that I have a cyst on my left ovary. "An ugly, messy one," according to the tech. One of the five large follicles that Clomid stimulated released its egg and then stuck around in its ruptured state, rather than dissolving gracefully. If I take Clomid now, it would cause the cyst to grow and wreak havoc on my reproductive system. So we have to put all fertility treatments on hold and wait for the cyst to resolve itself (which the nurse warned me will probably involve cramping and bleeding). The nurse said that we could still try to conceive naturally this cycle, but that doesn't help much. I mean, let's be honest - 21 cycles au natural yielded 0 conceptions. I'm not getting my hopes up for this one. (Okay, that's a lie. I'm pleading with God for a miracle to occur this month, that we will get pregnant despite the cyst and the lack of medical intervention.)

So, I'm incredibly disappointed at the delay. I just don't understand why God keeps causing these hardships to pile up. I prayed this morning (before the appointment) that I would see my suffering as something to be endured for the sake of Christ, but this bad news makes me feel so weary that I don't know how much longer I can endure. I prayed that Christ would be honored in my body; now I sit here wishing that a cyst didn't have to be the means of doing so. I don't want to wait another month. I don't want to have next summer be the earliest I could give birth to a child. I don't want to go through another round of baby showers and births without being pregnant myself. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to be infertile anymore.

I'm trying to cast my cares on God, fighting to believe that he is good when I can't see it, but I'm losing that battle right now.

Tears

These are some verses I looked up on Friday, as I was crying and crying over the realization that I was not pregnant.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

(Prov. 13:12, Psalms 69:1-3, 31:9, 56:8, 30:5)

As I wait for my morning of joy to come, it helps me to find expression of my sorrow in God's word.

Numbers Game

380 - number of prenatal vitamins I have taken for apparently no reason
19 - number of months we have been trying to conceive
22 - number of cycles we have been trying to conceive
25 - the average number of days in my cycle
3 - number of months we have been seeing a fertility specialist
5 - number of Clomid pills I have taken
1 - number of shots I have given myself
32 - the progesterone level that gave me hope for this cycle
26 - the number of days in this cycle
2 - how many days before this cycle ended that physical signs started indicating I was not pregnant
1 - number of pregnancy tests I have taken
1 - negative result on a pregnancy test

I don't like these numbers.

Meditation on Psalm 90

Lord, you have been our dwelling place
in all generations.
Before the mountains were brought forth,
or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
You return man to dust
and say, "Return, O children of man!"
For a thousand years in your sight
are but as yesterday when it is past,
or as a watch in the night.
...
So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

God, you are so much vaster than me. Let me have an eternal perspective on this trial. This week of waiting to take a pregnancy test seems especially long, but I know it is fleeting in your eyes. You are God everlasting, unchanging even as the circumstances of my life come and go. Give me wisdom that recognizes how grand and merciful you are.

Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for an many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.

I keep wondering how much longer this trial of infertility will go on. Will it end this weekend? Or is there still more you want me to endure? Please have pity on me and bring this long season of waiting to a close. Please let this weekend yield a positive pregnancy test. Let this weekend be the beginning of days of gladness after many days of affliction. Let us experience the blessing of children after becoming so intimate with the pain of the affect of this fallen world on our ability to conceive. Let me rejoice in a pregnancy, because I am satisfied in your steadfast love. But if I am not pregnant, let me still rejoice in your steadfast love.

Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!

Please establish the work of our hands, the efforts we have made to conceive with the medical treatments for our infertility. You alone can grant life; we want to see your miraculous work! I want to tell my children of all that you have done to bring them into existence, of the great power you have displayed in my body and in my soul.

I know that no matter what comes this week, your favor rests on me because of the cross.