So, not only did we move into our new house this weekend (hello, boxes that are still everywhere!), I also started medications and appointments for a new IUI cycle. A friend who was helping me unpack our kitchen laughed at the initial contents of our new fridge - a large jug of water, a bowl of leftover potato salad (from a night we had spent painting at the house), four boxes of Follistim, and one box of Repronex. Rather telling of our priorities at the moment!
I don't think I've mentioned this yet on the blog, but Dr. Owlish has left the practice (he moved to be closer to family, so I guess I can't begrudge him that). It was disappointing, as we had been so pleased to start seeing him, but we trust God's timing. I've been handed over to the other doctor at the clinic, but I haven't actually seen him yet (and may not for some time, who knows?). He's a very respected doctor in the field, nationally, so I assume I'm in good hands, but I don't know if we will click with him personality-wise in the same way we did with Dr. Owlish. Anyway, the new-to-me RE reviewed my charts from the cycles I did with Dr. Owlish, and he decided to add Repronex into the medicine mix. I don't really know what it does, but I've been too swamped with all the house stuff to worry about asking. It's another injectable drug, one that I mix myself. Then I squirt the Follistim into the same syringe, so I only have to give myself one shot total instead of one for each medicine. It makes for a lot of needle juggling, especially once I've sterilized things and don't want to set them back down! I've taken this combination of meds for three days now, and a check-up today showed dozens of small-to-medium follicles on each side (the largest were 13, 12, and 10 mm) and an E2 level of 202. I'll continue the same doses (75 IU of Follistim, 37.5 IU of Repronex) for three more days and go back for ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday.
It's kind of strange to have infertility treatments feel like an afterthought, amidst all the business of settling our new home, but I'm grateful for the temporary shift in focus. I pray, of course, that the upcoming IUI will be successful, but I have such abundant evidence of God's kindness all about me right now that it's easy to trust him for the future. No matter what happens, I know that he has positioned us well for whatever will come next.
7.23.2008
Look at That! My House Matches My Blog
Here are some pictures of our house! We put in some long days of work on it over the weekend. This week, we have contractors in to work on the basement and the hardwood floors. We move in on Saturday. I'll post a variety of before and after pictures of the interior soon.
7.17.2008
After More Delays and Obstacles Than I Would Have Thought Possible
We're buying a house this afternoon!
What are you doing today, big or small?
What are you doing today, big or small?
7.09.2008
$50,000 to $0: How We Did It
(Grab a cup of tea; this is a long one! I'm answering the questions about how we paid off our debt as a Works-For-Me-Wednesday post.)
Thanks for all the congratulations on paying off our debt! Several asked how we did it. It began when, a little less then a year into our marriage, our church hosted a Money Wise Workshop*, given by Tom Werth (now on staff at CrossWay Community Church in Kenosha, WI). At the time, ironically enough, Aaron had just lost his job, so we couldn't begin to apply much of the information until a few months later when he had full time work again. Still, we gained a conviction that being debt-free wasn't just preferable but biblical, and we learned some practical tips to send us toward that goal.
We had a credit card balance from our honeymoon, a handful of student loans (mine were consolidated, Aaron's weren't), and two car loans, all adding up to about $50,000, as best as I can remember. We didn't have a large income at all; that year, our combined earnings were about $45,000. I share that to encourage you that it can be done, even without a huge cash flow.
As our first step, we set up a thorough budget, based on our income after taxes and giving to our local church. We cut out just about every extra - clothes, eating out, etc. During that time, we asked our family, in lieu of regular birthday and Christmas gifts, to give us gift cards to favorite stores and restaurants; that helped to give us little splurges that we couldn't otherwise afford. We did what we could to keep our living expenses to a minimum (affordable rent on a small apartment; the most basic phone plan; no internet at home - we used the library; a strict grocery budget that sometimes meant we ate nothing but eggs, pancakes, and pasta at the end of the month).
Once the budget was in place, we asked some financially-sound friends to help us make a plan to pay off our various loans. They gave us some advice that actually went counter to some of the conventional wisdom but that worked well for us. For instance, one recommended that we pay our credit card off before starting any "emergency fund" type savings; his reasoning was that the interest rates on a savings account were so much lower than the interest we were paying on our debt that we would actually lose money by saving. So we paid off our credit card first, as quickly as we could, then started an emergency fund (the standard 3-months-worth of living expenses) to save for things like car repairs, job loss, etc. Another friend (and a CPA to boot) recommended that, rather than following the course of paying off the loan with the highest interest rate first, we pay the loans off essentially from smallest to largest. This had a huge impact, because we were able to quickly escalate payments on each loan.
Here's how that worked: Aaron had one small student loan (about $1000, I think) for which we only paid about $10 per month. We paid up on that as much as we could and were able to pay it off fairly quickly. Now, we rolled that $10 a month into the payment for the next loan, another small student loan on which we owed $30 per month. That one was paid off fairly quickly, too, and it motivated us quite a bit to see the progress of having two fewer bills to pay. We added $40 per month (the combined amounts from the two loans now paid off) to a car payment, meaning we paid something like $190 per month instead of the required $150. It took a while longer, but after we paid off that car, the snowball effect of the cumulative payments really took off. By adding the now freed up $190 per month to our other car payment (which was set at $175), we paid that car off in half the time of the 5-year term of the loan. At that point, we turned to tackle our two largest student loans (originally about $13,000 and $20,000 respectively). Again, adding all the previous payments no longer owed to the monthly payment on those loans (one at a time), we paid about $450-500 per month toward the first loan, and eventually about $1000 per month toward the second loan. We couldn't always make the big payments (like at Christmas-time, when we had extra expenses in the form of travel and gifts), but we paid as much as we could every month, and the effect was enormous!
During that whole process, we used any unexpected windfalls to pay whatever loan we were targeting at the time; tax refunds, Christmas bonuses, and the like took big bites out of those loans. We started out paying off our loans with very slow, small steps, but eventually we could take long strides and pay down debt quickly. When we began, our debt seemed insurmountable and I felt we'd never be done with it; but it only took five years!
As our income increased over time (although we still make a very moderate living) and our debt decreased, we were able to build non-essentials back into the budget, although we still keep those to a minimum (i.e. $50 per month for clothing, $60 per month for eating out). We don't buy things unless we have cash in the bank for them, and we use debit for most purchases. The only occasional exception is travel; we might put part of a vacation on credit, but we determine to pay off the balance within a month or two at the most. Once we take on a mortgage, we'll have to tighten the budget again, but now we know we can do it, by God's grace. We certainly couldn't have stewarded our finances this way without help, and I hope that by sharing these details some of you are helped, too!
*It looks like you can download the seminar audio and workbook for this workshop from our related church, Covenant Life, here.
Thanks for all the congratulations on paying off our debt! Several asked how we did it. It began when, a little less then a year into our marriage, our church hosted a Money Wise Workshop*, given by Tom Werth (now on staff at CrossWay Community Church in Kenosha, WI). At the time, ironically enough, Aaron had just lost his job, so we couldn't begin to apply much of the information until a few months later when he had full time work again. Still, we gained a conviction that being debt-free wasn't just preferable but biblical, and we learned some practical tips to send us toward that goal.
We had a credit card balance from our honeymoon, a handful of student loans (mine were consolidated, Aaron's weren't), and two car loans, all adding up to about $50,000, as best as I can remember. We didn't have a large income at all; that year, our combined earnings were about $45,000. I share that to encourage you that it can be done, even without a huge cash flow.
As our first step, we set up a thorough budget, based on our income after taxes and giving to our local church. We cut out just about every extra - clothes, eating out, etc. During that time, we asked our family, in lieu of regular birthday and Christmas gifts, to give us gift cards to favorite stores and restaurants; that helped to give us little splurges that we couldn't otherwise afford. We did what we could to keep our living expenses to a minimum (affordable rent on a small apartment; the most basic phone plan; no internet at home - we used the library; a strict grocery budget that sometimes meant we ate nothing but eggs, pancakes, and pasta at the end of the month).
Once the budget was in place, we asked some financially-sound friends to help us make a plan to pay off our various loans. They gave us some advice that actually went counter to some of the conventional wisdom but that worked well for us. For instance, one recommended that we pay our credit card off before starting any "emergency fund" type savings; his reasoning was that the interest rates on a savings account were so much lower than the interest we were paying on our debt that we would actually lose money by saving. So we paid off our credit card first, as quickly as we could, then started an emergency fund (the standard 3-months-worth of living expenses) to save for things like car repairs, job loss, etc. Another friend (and a CPA to boot) recommended that, rather than following the course of paying off the loan with the highest interest rate first, we pay the loans off essentially from smallest to largest. This had a huge impact, because we were able to quickly escalate payments on each loan.
Here's how that worked: Aaron had one small student loan (about $1000, I think) for which we only paid about $10 per month. We paid up on that as much as we could and were able to pay it off fairly quickly. Now, we rolled that $10 a month into the payment for the next loan, another small student loan on which we owed $30 per month. That one was paid off fairly quickly, too, and it motivated us quite a bit to see the progress of having two fewer bills to pay. We added $40 per month (the combined amounts from the two loans now paid off) to a car payment, meaning we paid something like $190 per month instead of the required $150. It took a while longer, but after we paid off that car, the snowball effect of the cumulative payments really took off. By adding the now freed up $190 per month to our other car payment (which was set at $175), we paid that car off in half the time of the 5-year term of the loan. At that point, we turned to tackle our two largest student loans (originally about $13,000 and $20,000 respectively). Again, adding all the previous payments no longer owed to the monthly payment on those loans (one at a time), we paid about $450-500 per month toward the first loan, and eventually about $1000 per month toward the second loan. We couldn't always make the big payments (like at Christmas-time, when we had extra expenses in the form of travel and gifts), but we paid as much as we could every month, and the effect was enormous!
During that whole process, we used any unexpected windfalls to pay whatever loan we were targeting at the time; tax refunds, Christmas bonuses, and the like took big bites out of those loans. We started out paying off our loans with very slow, small steps, but eventually we could take long strides and pay down debt quickly. When we began, our debt seemed insurmountable and I felt we'd never be done with it; but it only took five years!
As our income increased over time (although we still make a very moderate living) and our debt decreased, we were able to build non-essentials back into the budget, although we still keep those to a minimum (i.e. $50 per month for clothing, $60 per month for eating out). We don't buy things unless we have cash in the bank for them, and we use debit for most purchases. The only occasional exception is travel; we might put part of a vacation on credit, but we determine to pay off the balance within a month or two at the most. Once we take on a mortgage, we'll have to tighten the budget again, but now we know we can do it, by God's grace. We certainly couldn't have stewarded our finances this way without help, and I hope that by sharing these details some of you are helped, too!
*It looks like you can download the seminar audio and workbook for this workshop from our related church, Covenant Life, here.
7.08.2008
"Madness" and "Craziness" Are the Two Words Most Frequently Uttered in Our Household Right Now
I'll spare you the details, but here's a status report from the past week of our efforts to buy a house.
Tuesday: We think the sale will fall through.
Wednesday: We might get the house!
Thursday: We think the sale will fall through.
[Insert holiday weekend.]
Monday: We might get the house!
Tuesday: Negotiations are still up in the air, but we're engaged in a mad scramble to pull everything together to possibly close next week.
Please pray for us!
Tuesday: We think the sale will fall through.
Wednesday: We might get the house!
Thursday: We think the sale will fall through.
[Insert holiday weekend.]
Monday: We might get the house!
Tuesday: Negotiations are still up in the air, but we're engaged in a mad scramble to pull everything together to possibly close next week.
Please pray for us!
7.03.2008
Approximately $50,000 to $0 in 5 Years
As of today, we are completely and gloriously debt free! We just paid off the balance of our last school loan, so now we have no education debt, no car payments, no credit card balances, no mortgage, nothing owed to anyone. We're so grateful for the teaching we received early on in our marriage about the principles of financial stewardship and for the money-savvy friends who helped us put together a practical plan to pay everything off as soon as possible. Thank you, Lord, for providing!
7.02.2008
Orange-Avocado Salsa
For the Five-Ingredients-or-Less edition of Works for Me Wednesday, I thought I'd share this orange-avocado salsa, a summer favorite of ours. We like to serve it over grilled chicken breasts with rice, but I bet it would be tasty with fish or pork chops, too.Orange-Avocado Salsa
1 tbsp lime juice
1 tsp honey
2 large navel oranges
1/4 cup finely chopped red onion
1 avocado, pitted and diced*
In a medium bowl, whisk lime juice & honey together. Season w/ salt & pepper (I know, those weren't on the ingredients list, but that would have made for seven ingredients rather than five; shhh!). Set aside.
Cut up the oranges: Slice of both ends of each orange. Following the curve of the fruit, cut away the peel and pith. Quarter the oranges (basically, cut an X lengthwise through the core of the orange, if that makes sense), then lay each half (two of the quartered sections) flat and slice sections 1/4" thick; this will give you a bunch of little orange triangles.
Add orange pieces, onion and avocado to honey-lime mixture. Toss gently to combine. Serve immediately.
*This may be obvious, but here's how I dice an avocado. Use a chef's knife to cut the avocado in half vertically, curving around the pit. Separate the two halves, then whack the pit with your knife (this is why I use my big, nicely weighted chef's knife for this task); twist to remove pit. Now, cut 1/4-1/2" dice into each avocado half, without slicing through the skin. Use a spoon to scoop the dice from the skin of each half. Nice and neat!
7.01.2008
Progressing Towards Home
We were finally able to get a variety of professionals in to the house at the end of last week. That process was a comedy of errors that felt more like a tragedy at the time - locks changed on the house so we couldn't get in for the first appointment, miscommunication about the rescheduled appointment so that we weren't all in the same place at the same time, and so on. The realtor, an air tester, an HVAC professional, a mold assessor, and I all managed to converge on Friday. Conclusion? The furnace, which wasn't working at our original inspection, was repaired by the seller; it's still an ancient, inefficient piece of machinery, but it's safe and it works. The air test showed the presence of mold spores common after basement flooding, but it's not toxic and the levels aren't too high; it still needs to be addressed, but it's not a major health hazard. And the mold assessor judged that the only areas of the basement that definitely need remediation are the bathroom and storage area, although we asked for a quote for the whole basement to be safe. All in all, we feel much better having a more realistic picture of the works that the house needs, and we were reassured to find out that not everything has to be done up front. We're asking the seller to remediate the mold, so please pray that those negotiations go well (and quickly!) this week. If we reach an agreement on that, and if Aaron and I feel like we're not taking on too many future projects, then we'll move forward. I'm ready to be done with this whole process!
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens (2 Cor. 5:1).
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens (2 Cor. 5:1).
6.24.2008
One Item Checked Off the Wait List
NO nine-month wait added to that list. The nurse just called with negative results for the IUI cycle. I had such low expectations that I'm really not disappointed at all. We're going to take July off, because hopefully (please, Lord?) we'll be moving. And I probably have cysts anyway, but we won't bother to check this time. On the bright side, now I don't have to worry about a pesky due date interfering with a trip to Hawaii that my family has planned for March 2009. That's a nice shiny silver lining, huh?
6.20.2008
Quick Update
This has been a week of waiting. Waiting to get results for the IUI next week. Waiting to hear back from the seller of the house. This morning, we finally got official approval from the seller to bring in a professional mold mitigator to give an estimate about how extensive the mold is (the inspector only saw a little bit in the corner of the basement bathroom) and how much it would cost to take care of it. So we called our inspector to ask for a recommendation for a mold remediator; he wasn't in, so I left a message, and now we're... waiting.
I'm trying to remember that I'm waiting on the Lord, even though it feels like I'm waiting on people.
I'm trying to remember that I'm waiting on the Lord, even though it feels like I'm waiting on people.
6.13.2008
Meditation on Psalm 31
I wrote this reflection on Psalm 31 in my journal on Wednesday morning, after all of Tuesday's challenges. (It will have more context if you read the Psalm first.)
Lord, rescue me! Under the weight of all of yesterday's disappointments - the low counts for the IUI, the refusal of the seller to do any repairs on the house - help me to take refuge in you. I know you have already delivered me from my sin; now please deliver me from these trials! Hear my pleas! Remove the shame of having all my desires squelched. Help me to trust that you lead and guide me through infertility and home-buying for your name's sake. Help me to hate the sin in my heart that makes children and houses into idols. Remind me that you are not indifferent to my affliction and distress, but you are gracious. When my eyes are tired of crying, when my soul and body are weary of difficulty, when I feel like all I have are sighs and sorrows, remind me that you are a strength for the weak. You are a sympathetic high priest. You have taken the burden of my iniquities; you made this enemy your friend. You are kind, even when I have a hard time seeing it. Help me to rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love.
God, give me confidence that you have goodness stored up for me. Right now, in my unbelief, I expect abundant hardship from your hand. I believe the reverse of the Savior's words about your Fatherly love - I feel like I am asking for bread and you give me stones, for fish and you give me a snake... Or rather, for a child and you give me infertility, for a house and you give me a moldy basement and a rusty furnace. Conquer my unbelief! Cause me to fear you and take shelter in you and to expect good from you.
Lord, rescue me! Under the weight of all of yesterday's disappointments - the low counts for the IUI, the refusal of the seller to do any repairs on the house - help me to take refuge in you. I know you have already delivered me from my sin; now please deliver me from these trials! Hear my pleas! Remove the shame of having all my desires squelched. Help me to trust that you lead and guide me through infertility and home-buying for your name's sake. Help me to hate the sin in my heart that makes children and houses into idols. Remind me that you are not indifferent to my affliction and distress, but you are gracious. When my eyes are tired of crying, when my soul and body are weary of difficulty, when I feel like all I have are sighs and sorrows, remind me that you are a strength for the weak. You are a sympathetic high priest. You have taken the burden of my iniquities; you made this enemy your friend. You are kind, even when I have a hard time seeing it. Help me to rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love.
God, give me confidence that you have goodness stored up for me. Right now, in my unbelief, I expect abundant hardship from your hand. I believe the reverse of the Savior's words about your Fatherly love - I feel like I am asking for bread and you give me stones, for fish and you give me a snake... Or rather, for a child and you give me infertility, for a house and you give me a moldy basement and a rusty furnace. Conquer my unbelief! Cause me to fear you and take shelter in you and to expect good from you.
6.12.2008
Setbacks
Tuesday was challenging.
The IUI went okay. Everything about the procedure itself happened as usual. However, Aaron's numbers were below the preferable range for IUI (motility 31% instead of 50% or greater, a count of 9 million - I think - instead of 10 million or greater). The nurse said the numbers weren't bad enough to cancel the IUI, but... momentary silence implying that we shouldn't get our hopes up... So we'll see. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check if my ovary size indicates adequate progesterone production, and then we wait until the end of June to test for pregnancy. I know our God is bigger than any statistics, but if the conditions of this IUI are less favorable than our previous five - well, less favorable than a whole batch of negatives equals a pretty poor prognosis of success.
Then, we had bad news on the house front. You may remember we've been waiting to hear back in negotiations with the seller to take care of some relatively major issues (water damage, ancient furnace, etc.). Late Tuesday afternoon, the seller (or rather, her lawyer) sent a two-sentence letter "respectfully" declining to do any of the repairs we requested. I was bitterly disappointed. I've been trying to prepare my heart for a potential negative outcome and trying not to idolize this particular house, but the groundwork I laid crumbled almost immediately. The door hasn't completely closed on that home; we did hear a new development from the seller's lawyer today, and we're going to get some professional estimates on the work that needs to be done before we make any final decisions. But it's certainly not turning out to be a straightforward process.
So I've been weary. I'm battling unbelief, and I'm disappointed to see how my heart is growing to expect difficulty from the hand of God rather than blessing. (Honestly, my first thought upon getting the IUI and house news in the same day was, "What next, Lord? Are you going to cause one of our cars to explode? What else will you make go wrong?") I know that he will work this all for my good, and I know that all these things that feel like Plan B to me are part of his best purposes. But right now, I'd like to trade in my Person Who Grows Through Hardship badge for a membership in the People Who May Not Learn A Lot But At Least Life Is Easy club.
The IUI went okay. Everything about the procedure itself happened as usual. However, Aaron's numbers were below the preferable range for IUI (motility 31% instead of 50% or greater, a count of 9 million - I think - instead of 10 million or greater). The nurse said the numbers weren't bad enough to cancel the IUI, but... momentary silence implying that we shouldn't get our hopes up... So we'll see. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check if my ovary size indicates adequate progesterone production, and then we wait until the end of June to test for pregnancy. I know our God is bigger than any statistics, but if the conditions of this IUI are less favorable than our previous five - well, less favorable than a whole batch of negatives equals a pretty poor prognosis of success.
Then, we had bad news on the house front. You may remember we've been waiting to hear back in negotiations with the seller to take care of some relatively major issues (water damage, ancient furnace, etc.). Late Tuesday afternoon, the seller (or rather, her lawyer) sent a two-sentence letter "respectfully" declining to do any of the repairs we requested. I was bitterly disappointed. I've been trying to prepare my heart for a potential negative outcome and trying not to idolize this particular house, but the groundwork I laid crumbled almost immediately. The door hasn't completely closed on that home; we did hear a new development from the seller's lawyer today, and we're going to get some professional estimates on the work that needs to be done before we make any final decisions. But it's certainly not turning out to be a straightforward process.
So I've been weary. I'm battling unbelief, and I'm disappointed to see how my heart is growing to expect difficulty from the hand of God rather than blessing. (Honestly, my first thought upon getting the IUI and house news in the same day was, "What next, Lord? Are you going to cause one of our cars to explode? What else will you make go wrong?") I know that he will work this all for my good, and I know that all these things that feel like Plan B to me are part of his best purposes. But right now, I'd like to trade in my Person Who Grows Through Hardship badge for a membership in the People Who May Not Learn A Lot But At Least Life Is Easy club.
6.09.2008
No Menopausal Nuns Were Hurt in the Making of this IUI ::updated::
When the nurse called with the results on Friday afternoon (E2=285, follicles measuring 15, 13, 10, and 9 mm), she told me to come into the clinic again on Saturday morning for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. At that appointment (to which I rode my bike), C-Pug declared, "Your lining is gorgeous!" My follicles measured 18, 15, 11, and 9 mm, and my E2 had gone up to 495. The doctor instructed me to take one more dose of Follistim on Saturday night, and then I took the HCG trigger shot last night. The IUI is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Please pray!
(For those who don't spend all their time immersed in the world of infertility terminology: E2 is a specific estrogen which should reach levels of 200-600 for every mature follicle; a mature follicle (the sac in which the egg grows) is 18mm or larger; HCG is human chorionic gonadotropin, a pregnancy hormone (the medical form is derived from the urine of pregnant women and menopausal nuns) that mimics the effect of another hormone (luteinizing hormone, or LH) which induces ovulation; IUI is intra-uterine insemination.)
::update::
(As I mulled over this post later while I drove around on some errands - what? doesn't everybody do that? - I realized that I gave inaccurate information in my parenthetical note at the end. It's actually follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH, I think, that comes from the urine of menopausal nuns. Which makes more sense. How would menopausal nuns secrete HCG? Anyway, the title of the post still holds.)
(For those who don't spend all their time immersed in the world of infertility terminology: E2 is a specific estrogen which should reach levels of 200-600 for every mature follicle; a mature follicle (the sac in which the egg grows) is 18mm or larger; HCG is human chorionic gonadotropin, a pregnancy hormone (the medical form is derived from the urine of pregnant women and menopausal nuns) that mimics the effect of another hormone (luteinizing hormone, or LH) which induces ovulation; IUI is intra-uterine insemination.)
::update::
(As I mulled over this post later while I drove around on some errands - what? doesn't everybody do that? - I realized that I gave inaccurate information in my parenthetical note at the end. It's actually follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH, I think, that comes from the urine of menopausal nuns. Which makes more sense. How would menopausal nuns secrete HCG? Anyway, the title of the post still holds.)
6.06.2008
Cycling... and Cycling
I had my second ultrasound and bloodwork appointment for the current IUI cycle this morning; I'll get all the numbers (follicle measurements and estradiol levels) this afternoon, but the ultrasound tech said everything looks "gorgeous" - apparently, her favorite adjective, since she uses it every time I see her - and that things are really growing. This particular ultrasound tech is really darling, so I hereby decree that I will nickname her Cutie-Patooty-Ultrasound-Girl, or C-Pug for short. By the way, my protocol, for any who are curious, is 75 IU of Follistim per day (a lower dose than my last cycle, and I think this will work much better for my production-happy ovaries).
So I have two weekend assignments for you:
1) Both Monday and today, I rode my bike to the clinic. It's only a 20-25 minute ride each way (as opposed to a 10-15 minute drive) on a nice route between our apartment and the hospital. The nurses had instructed me not to add any new excercises during the IUI cycle, so technically biking isn't forbidden for me, but I'm starting to wonder if it's too much. What do you think? I'm popping up a poll in the right side bar, so go ahead and vote.
2) Legal wheels are still turning on the house stuff post-inspection. But that doesn't stop my mental wheels from spinning with decorating ideas. (I figure, hey, whether we end up buying this home another one, I'll still be decorating something.) So tell me in the comments, what are your favorite decorating and design resources - websites, magazines, books, stores, etc.?
Happy Friday!
So I have two weekend assignments for you:
1) Both Monday and today, I rode my bike to the clinic. It's only a 20-25 minute ride each way (as opposed to a 10-15 minute drive) on a nice route between our apartment and the hospital. The nurses had instructed me not to add any new excercises during the IUI cycle, so technically biking isn't forbidden for me, but I'm starting to wonder if it's too much. What do you think? I'm popping up a poll in the right side bar, so go ahead and vote.
2) Legal wheels are still turning on the house stuff post-inspection. But that doesn't stop my mental wheels from spinning with decorating ideas. (I figure, hey, whether we end up buying this home another one, I'll still be decorating something.) So tell me in the comments, what are your favorite decorating and design resources - websites, magazines, books, stores, etc.?
Happy Friday!
6.04.2008
Any Way
During the New Attitude conference, my mind filled with memories of how we realized the failure of our first IVF at last year's conference. It was tempting to moan, "Another year past, and nothing has changed!" But that's not true. Yes, my infertility hasn't gone away. I still don't have a baby or even the whisper of a pregnancy. But my heart has changed. God has been at work to make me content and to make his Son more precious to me. And at the conference, primarily through the worship times at Na, another change happened in my heart.
For much of the past three years, I have sought to remind myself that this trial of infertility is not primarily about me but about God's purposes. I have thought, "What glory the Lord will receive when I have children!" I've expected that if I just wait long enough, the end result will be a splashy display of God's kindness when he gives me a baby and everyone around me rejoices in finally, beautifully answered prayers. But now I am starting to think, "What glory the Lord will receive even if I don't ever have children." He doesn't have to give me a baby to glorify himself, to show himself good and beautiful and true. And I'm beginning to see that I will be okay whichever way he chooses to work, whether he shows his mercy and love by fulfilling my desires for children or by enabling me to walk in grace for an entire lifetime of childlessness. Increasingly, I want the title of my life-story to be not Barren Woman Finally Blessed by God with Babies after Years of Patient Endurance but What a Savior. As we sang over and over again at New Attitude:
O Father, use my ransomed life
In any way you choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is you.
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ.
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life.
For much of the past three years, I have sought to remind myself that this trial of infertility is not primarily about me but about God's purposes. I have thought, "What glory the Lord will receive when I have children!" I've expected that if I just wait long enough, the end result will be a splashy display of God's kindness when he gives me a baby and everyone around me rejoices in finally, beautifully answered prayers. But now I am starting to think, "What glory the Lord will receive even if I don't ever have children." He doesn't have to give me a baby to glorify himself, to show himself good and beautiful and true. And I'm beginning to see that I will be okay whichever way he chooses to work, whether he shows his mercy and love by fulfilling my desires for children or by enabling me to walk in grace for an entire lifetime of childlessness. Increasingly, I want the title of my life-story to be not Barren Woman Finally Blessed by God with Babies after Years of Patient Endurance but What a Savior. As we sang over and over again at New Attitude:
O Father, use my ransomed life
In any way you choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is you.
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ.
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life.
6.03.2008
Home, Inspected
Here is our layman's interpretation of the home inspector's report: the house has a robustly healthy body, but it's balding and has stinky feet.
The home inspector said that the structure is in excellent shape; it was built really well, and the original footprint and floorplan have not been altered. However, since the house is 80 years old, it does have some problematic issues. The basement has had some flooding and needs waterproofing and mold mitigation, the furnace is 30 years old, and the roof is about 15 years old (though not leaking anywhere). The inspector gave us very rough estimates about how much it would cost to do the necessary work, and it was all less than we would have expected. They're three big jobs, but they're doable. So now we move into negotiations with the seller. We're hoping that the seller will take care of the flood damage and the furnace (our realtor thinks the current owner might have a home warranty, which would cover some of that); we'll ask about the roof, too, but we're willing to save up to do that ourselves if need be. We still really like the home, and we want to make it work, but we're holding it very lightly. Lord willing, we'll come to a good agreement with the seller and will still be able to make this home our own soon. Please pray with us to that end!
The home inspector said that the structure is in excellent shape; it was built really well, and the original footprint and floorplan have not been altered. However, since the house is 80 years old, it does have some problematic issues. The basement has had some flooding and needs waterproofing and mold mitigation, the furnace is 30 years old, and the roof is about 15 years old (though not leaking anywhere). The inspector gave us very rough estimates about how much it would cost to do the necessary work, and it was all less than we would have expected. They're three big jobs, but they're doable. So now we move into negotiations with the seller. We're hoping that the seller will take care of the flood damage and the furnace (our realtor thinks the current owner might have a home warranty, which would cover some of that); we'll ask about the roof, too, but we're willing to save up to do that ourselves if need be. We still really like the home, and we want to make it work, but we're holding it very lightly. Lord willing, we'll come to a good agreement with the seller and will still be able to make this home our own soon. Please pray with us to that end!
6.02.2008
Six One, Half Dozen the Other
Today marks the start of my sixth IUI cycle. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand: Yay! Cysts are gone! Another chance to get pregnant! On the other: Hmph. Six IUIs; really? How did I get to be that person, the barren woman with a litter of failed infertility treatments in her wake? Counting our two IVF attempts in with all these IUIs, and it won't be long before my medicated cycle counts number in the double-digits. When do we just say, "Enough," and move on? I've started to have thoughts like, "If we had started to pursue adoption when we realized we were infertile, we might have a child or even two by now." But here I take comfort in God's sovereignty; we've sought his will, he's led us down this path of medical intervention, and he will build our family in his way and time. All those "what if" questions are fruitless; I only need to trust that God is good and he is in control.
So, IUI #6, here we come. I start the Follistim injections today (I think; I need to get a call from the nurse to confirm my instructions), and the actual IUI will probably fall mid-June.
Please, Lord, let this one work.
So, IUI #6, here we come. I start the Follistim injections today (I think; I need to get a call from the nurse to confirm my instructions), and the actual IUI will probably fall mid-June.
Please, Lord, let this one work.
5.30.2008
Endorsements of the House in O_______ that We Will Most Likely Buy, Pending Home Inspection and Such
"That's the most beautiful house in the universe!"
- a 6-year-old nephew
"You could turn the garage into a nice potting shed."
- mother-in-law and former president of the West Virginia State Garden Club
(We did, in fact, place an offer on the 1930's bungalow-ish house in the town* on the river, and the seller countered with exactly the price we had hoped to pay. So we have a contract, pending various legal and financial approvals. Home inspection is Monday; please pray no major snafus come to light. We really love the house!
*You may have noticed that I'm borrowing a device from Jane Austen and referring to the town by its first letter only. If you live near us, you can probably figure out which town the house is in, but I'd rather not have the whole Internet know where to find us!)
- a 6-year-old nephew
"You could turn the garage into a nice potting shed."
- mother-in-law and former president of the West Virginia State Garden Club
(We did, in fact, place an offer on the 1930's bungalow-ish house in the town* on the river, and the seller countered with exactly the price we had hoped to pay. So we have a contract, pending various legal and financial approvals. Home inspection is Monday; please pray no major snafus come to light. We really love the house!
*You may have noticed that I'm borrowing a device from Jane Austen and referring to the town by its first letter only. If you live near us, you can probably figure out which town the house is in, but I'd rather not have the whole Internet know where to find us!)
5.29.2008
Piping Through Some Links
I'm still trying to return to life as usual after the Na conference, so instead of coming up with original blog material, I'll pass on a few links to content I've appreciated over recent weeks. Each comes from a different member of the Piper family.
From Molly Piper - How to Help Your Grieving Friend, a series of practical tips gleaned from her experience after her daughter Felicity was stillborn last fall
From Abraham Piper - 12 Ways to Improve Your Blog by Serving Your Readers
From John Piper - How a Roman Catholic Anti-Calvinist Can Serve Today's Poet Calvinist, an intriguing tribute to one of my favorite books, G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Here's one quote from the essay: "One of the reasons that Calvinism is stirring today is that it takes both truth and mystery seriously. It’s a singing, poetry-writing, run-through-the-fields Calvinism." (HT Justin Taylor)
Now, I'm off to eat dinner with my in-laws...
From Molly Piper - How to Help Your Grieving Friend, a series of practical tips gleaned from her experience after her daughter Felicity was stillborn last fall
From Abraham Piper - 12 Ways to Improve Your Blog by Serving Your Readers
From John Piper - How a Roman Catholic Anti-Calvinist Can Serve Today's Poet Calvinist, an intriguing tribute to one of my favorite books, G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Here's one quote from the essay: "One of the reasons that Calvinism is stirring today is that it takes both truth and mystery seriously. It’s a singing, poetry-writing, run-through-the-fields Calvinism." (HT Justin Taylor)
Now, I'm off to eat dinner with my in-laws...
5.23.2008
Greek Chicken Kebabs
My pal from In Search of Morning Sickness reminded me recently that I haven't posted a recipe in a while. I tried a new recipe recently for Greek kebabs, which ended up not being kebabs because I couldn't find our skewers. So here's my modified version:
3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1" pieces (about 24)
1 zucchini, halved lengthwise and cut crosswise into 1" pieces (about 16)
1/2 small red onion, quartered
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp dried oregano
3 tbsp white or red wine vinegar, divided
1/2 cup crumbled feta
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 cup fresh mint leaves
salt & pepper
In a resealable plastic bag, combine chicken, zucchini, onion, oil, oregano, and 2 tbsp vinegar; season generously with salt & pepper. Marinate at least 30 minutes or up to overnight. Preheat broiler; place rack 4-6" below heat. Line a roasting pan or rimmed baking sheet with foil. Toss marinated chicken and vegetables onto prepared pan. Broil, turning at least once, until chicken is cooked through, about 15 min. Meanwhile, make dipping sauce. Blend feta, yogurt, mint, and remaining tbsp vinegar until smooth.* Serve chicken and vegetables over rice, with dipping sauce.
If you can find your skewers, you can thread the chicken, zucchini, and red onion onto them, in alternating fashion, and then grill them for about 15 min.
Happy Memorial Day weekend! I'm going to the New Attitude conference, and I'll resume posting when I get back.
*I used my immersion blender and its handy measuring container accessory for the sauce. I love this tool! If you don't have one, a food processor will work just fine for making the sauce.
3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1" pieces (about 24)
1 zucchini, halved lengthwise and cut crosswise into 1" pieces (about 16)
1/2 small red onion, quartered
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp dried oregano
3 tbsp white or red wine vinegar, divided
1/2 cup crumbled feta
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 cup fresh mint leaves
salt & pepper
In a resealable plastic bag, combine chicken, zucchini, onion, oil, oregano, and 2 tbsp vinegar; season generously with salt & pepper. Marinate at least 30 minutes or up to overnight. Preheat broiler; place rack 4-6" below heat. Line a roasting pan or rimmed baking sheet with foil. Toss marinated chicken and vegetables onto prepared pan. Broil, turning at least once, until chicken is cooked through, about 15 min. Meanwhile, make dipping sauce. Blend feta, yogurt, mint, and remaining tbsp vinegar until smooth.* Serve chicken and vegetables over rice, with dipping sauce.
If you can find your skewers, you can thread the chicken, zucchini, and red onion onto them, in alternating fashion, and then grill them for about 15 min.
Happy Memorial Day weekend! I'm going to the New Attitude conference, and I'll resume posting when I get back.
*I used my immersion blender and its handy measuring container accessory for the sauce. I love this tool! If you don't have one, a food processor will work just fine for making the sauce.
5.22.2008
A Calcium Supplement for Osteoporosis of the Soul
As part of my current Bible reading plan, I am in the book of Proverbs. I recently read a verse that gave me a chance to reflect on how much spiritual fruit God has graciously brought about in my heart over the course of this trial of infertility.
I remembered how, a year or two ago, this verse arrested my attention. Jealousy of friends who were pregnant or had children was a daily struggle at the time, and this verse helped me to see how very serious my sin was. It also aided me to choose what to think when those moments of temptation to envy surged. I mean, given the options of rotting bones or life-filled flesh, the decision is pretty obvious! The words of this verse spurred me on to pursue the tranquil heart that comes from trusting God even when other people's pregnancies and babies lay like large fallen trees across my trail. Reading this verse again encouraged me so much, to see how the Lord has given me grace to put the sin of envy to death. I certainly haven't attained a heart perfectly free of the green monster. But I have gradually learned to tune out the voice that says I should resent my friends for having the blessings I want and to tune in to the glorious channel that broadcasts the blessings I have in the gospel. I am so grateful for this more peaceful state!
Earlier this week, I was emailing with a friend about the sin of jealousy, and I was reminded of a couple of resources (in addition to the Proverbs verse) that have helped me in the battle. One is a post from the GirlTalk blog, "A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy." The other is an article from Tim Challies' blog, "When the Critics Rave, I Weep" (this one is loaded with excellent quotes). I thought I'd share these links today as an encouragement to anyone else who is fighting jealousy along with me.
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot (Prov. 14:13).
I remembered how, a year or two ago, this verse arrested my attention. Jealousy of friends who were pregnant or had children was a daily struggle at the time, and this verse helped me to see how very serious my sin was. It also aided me to choose what to think when those moments of temptation to envy surged. I mean, given the options of rotting bones or life-filled flesh, the decision is pretty obvious! The words of this verse spurred me on to pursue the tranquil heart that comes from trusting God even when other people's pregnancies and babies lay like large fallen trees across my trail. Reading this verse again encouraged me so much, to see how the Lord has given me grace to put the sin of envy to death. I certainly haven't attained a heart perfectly free of the green monster. But I have gradually learned to tune out the voice that says I should resent my friends for having the blessings I want and to tune in to the glorious channel that broadcasts the blessings I have in the gospel. I am so grateful for this more peaceful state!
Earlier this week, I was emailing with a friend about the sin of jealousy, and I was reminded of a couple of resources (in addition to the Proverbs verse) that have helped me in the battle. One is a post from the GirlTalk blog, "A Battle Plan for Fighting Envy." The other is an article from Tim Challies' blog, "When the Critics Rave, I Weep" (this one is loaded with excellent quotes). I thought I'd share these links today as an encouragement to anyone else who is fighting jealousy along with me.
5.20.2008
I Have a Little More to Say Now *updated*
So, here's what's happening on the house front. We first went out to look on Monday morning, thinking we'd get a gradual start. On the way to meet the realtor, we prayed to find a home that would serve for hospitality and outreach. We didn't like much of what we saw that morning, and the one house we did really like was in a neighborhood that didn't feel completely safe. We hadn't completely ruled it out, and we knew it would probably sell fast (by far the nicest thing in that price range), so we felt suddenly compelled to look at other homes as soon as possible in order to compare.
So, we set up an appointment to see a house in another town on Wednesday evening; that one was gorgeous outside but severely disappointing inside - it really would have needed to be gutted and entirely remodeled. At that point, I felt pretty discouraged. I thought looking at homes would be so fun and exciting, but instead I felt frustrated and anxious that we wouldn't find anything appealing that we could afford. I had to constantly tell myself that the Lord had the right home for us and would lead us to it.
Then, we went out again on Friday afternoon. Aaron almost couldn't make it because of last-minute work complications, but he did manage to meet me and the realtor before we left the first home. That day, we found three homes that we could picture ourselves living in! One ended up having a contract on it, so right now we're down to two options that we really like, both in the downtown area of a cute town on a river. We've placed a long-shot offer on one (our first and maximum bid is significantly under the asking price); it's a two-story frame house built in 1920, all updated inside and nicely landscaped. If the seller of the first house doesn't accept our offer, we'll bid on the second home, a bungalow-ish house built in 1930 that has great bones but would need some updating inside and out. And maybe neither will work out, but I have faith that we'll find a good home soon. Exciting stuff!
edited to add: as we pretty much expected, the seller of home option #1 wasn't willing to work with our offer; we're working on cobbling together an offer for home option #2, and I'm feeling lots of anticipation about this one!
So, we set up an appointment to see a house in another town on Wednesday evening; that one was gorgeous outside but severely disappointing inside - it really would have needed to be gutted and entirely remodeled. At that point, I felt pretty discouraged. I thought looking at homes would be so fun and exciting, but instead I felt frustrated and anxious that we wouldn't find anything appealing that we could afford. I had to constantly tell myself that the Lord had the right home for us and would lead us to it.
Then, we went out again on Friday afternoon. Aaron almost couldn't make it because of last-minute work complications, but he did manage to meet me and the realtor before we left the first home. That day, we found three homes that we could picture ourselves living in! One ended up having a contract on it, so right now we're down to two options that we really like, both in the downtown area of a cute town on a river. We've placed a long-shot offer on one (our first and maximum bid is significantly under the asking price); it's a two-story frame house built in 1920, all updated inside and nicely landscaped. If the seller of the first house doesn't accept our offer, we'll bid on the second home, a bungalow-ish house built in 1930 that has great bones but would need some updating inside and out. And maybe neither will work out, but I have faith that we'll find a good home soon. Exciting stuff!
edited to add: as we pretty much expected, the seller of home option #1 wasn't willing to work with our offer; we're working on cobbling together an offer for home option #2, and I'm feeling lots of anticipation about this one!
5.15.2008
Range, Range on the Home
It's been a quiet week here at Chez Entrusted. Why? Because Aaron and I are house-hunting, and the search for Chez Patterson has absorbed all my time and mental energy. And that's all I have to say about that.
5.09.2008
Another Way of Escape I'm Not Going to Try: Closing My Eyes, Sticking My Fingers in My Ears, and Singing "La La La La"
Infertile women worldwide are currently hovering in dread of the weekend. This Sunday is the Day That Shall Not Be Named. When all the moms in church are asked to stand and be honored, I will be tethered to my seat by the short cord that feeds electricity to the neon sign on my forehead flashing, "Not a Mom! Not a Mom!" Or at least that's what it feels like. Every year as the second Sunday of May approaches, I start to imagine scenarios that would excuse me from church for just that one day - sickness, vacation, or at least a sudden need for a bathroom break conveniently sandwiched between singing and the sermon. A long bathroom break. On the other side of the building.
But ladies, we have a better escape route than running away from the Day That Shall Not Be Named. Can I paraphrase 1 Corinthians 10:13 for us? No temptation to self-pity, envy, or anxiety has overtaken you that is not common to women (yes, even the fertile ones). God is faithful, and he will not let the second Sunday in May tempt you beyond your ability, but on the Day That Shall Not Be Named he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure even a holiday that puts the spotlight on your heartache and yearning by celebrating the women who have what you don't. That way of escape looks different for each of us, but I can tell you this: I'm going to run to Jesus, and not to the ladies' room.
But ladies, we have a better escape route than running away from the Day That Shall Not Be Named. Can I paraphrase 1 Corinthians 10:13 for us? No temptation to self-pity, envy, or anxiety has overtaken you that is not common to women (yes, even the fertile ones). God is faithful, and he will not let the second Sunday in May tempt you beyond your ability, but on the Day That Shall Not Be Named he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure even a holiday that puts the spotlight on your heartache and yearning by celebrating the women who have what you don't. That way of escape looks different for each of us, but I can tell you this: I'm going to run to Jesus, and not to the ladies' room.
5.07.2008
Last week, I shared with a friend how weary I felt after learning that the trial of infertility had not yet come to an end. She encouraged me with Hebrews 12:3.
What gospel-motivated grace to persevere! When I feel weary and faint-hearted, I need to consider my Savior. He endured the cross for the joy set before him (see the preceding verses in Hebrews 12), the joy of victoriously reconciling people to God through his death and resurrection. He endured those who beat him and mocked him, though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. I was one of those hostile sinners until he saved me. My sins are so much worse than any of my sufferings, and yet Christ shed his blood to pay for my sins. Considering the One who endured such enmity and such pain in my place gives me a second (or two-hundred-and-second) wind to keep running, even when infertility sometimes leaves me feeling breathless.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint-hearted.
What gospel-motivated grace to persevere! When I feel weary and faint-hearted, I need to consider my Savior. He endured the cross for the joy set before him (see the preceding verses in Hebrews 12), the joy of victoriously reconciling people to God through his death and resurrection. He endured those who beat him and mocked him, though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. I was one of those hostile sinners until he saved me. My sins are so much worse than any of my sufferings, and yet Christ shed his blood to pay for my sins. Considering the One who endured such enmity and such pain in my place gives me a second (or two-hundred-and-second) wind to keep running, even when infertility sometimes leaves me feeling breathless.
5.02.2008
Random Things Come in Threes
Veronica of Toddled Dredge tagged me for a post that lists three random things about me. (And how honored am I to be tagged by one of my favorite bloggers?) Without further ado, here's the list:
1) In my junior year of college, I thought I wanted to go on to get my Ph.D. in literature and become an English professor. In my junior year of college, I met Aaron. As we prepared for marriage, we decided that graduate school wasn't the best option because we wanted to be young parents. Yeah, that's gone really well. Ironically, I could have completed a doctoral program by now. However, I don't regret the choice I made (especially since we're now this close to paying off all of our school loans).
2) This is only indirectly about me, but I've had the opportunity to re-tell this story in the past few weeks, so it's fresh on my mind. My family comes from the Netherlands, and my grandparents still lived there at the time of WWII. (My mom was born at the end of the war, and the family moved away shortly afterwards.) My grandparents lived on a farm, and my grandfather (not the one that recently passed away, but the one still kicking in Texas) was the village carpenter. The family used their farm to hide some people from the Nazi army (mostly young men in danger of being conscripted by the enemy, but also a rabbi). As the German invasion approached, the townsfolk came to my grandfather and asked him to use his carpentry skills to hide all of their valuables (paintings, jewelry, etc.). At the end of the war, everyone returned to my grandpa to find out where their belongings were. He said, "You've been sitting on them every Sunday." He had built false bottoms to all the pews in church and stored all the valuables there. It wasn't until the 1990's that my grandparents shared these stories with any of their children or grandchildren.
3) Veronica mentioned in her list of three random things that she enjoys meat with sweet sauces. I actually dislike sweet-flavored meat dishes. The combination of tastes seems wrong to me somehow, as if they stay too distinct rather than blending together. I much prefer savory meat recipes, with garlic or onions and a decent dash of salt.
I'll tag some new blog friends: Mya, Jill, and Brenna (who is not a new friend but has a new blog).
1) In my junior year of college, I thought I wanted to go on to get my Ph.D. in literature and become an English professor. In my junior year of college, I met Aaron. As we prepared for marriage, we decided that graduate school wasn't the best option because we wanted to be young parents. Yeah, that's gone really well. Ironically, I could have completed a doctoral program by now. However, I don't regret the choice I made (especially since we're now this close to paying off all of our school loans).
2) This is only indirectly about me, but I've had the opportunity to re-tell this story in the past few weeks, so it's fresh on my mind. My family comes from the Netherlands, and my grandparents still lived there at the time of WWII. (My mom was born at the end of the war, and the family moved away shortly afterwards.) My grandparents lived on a farm, and my grandfather (not the one that recently passed away, but the one still kicking in Texas) was the village carpenter. The family used their farm to hide some people from the Nazi army (mostly young men in danger of being conscripted by the enemy, but also a rabbi). As the German invasion approached, the townsfolk came to my grandfather and asked him to use his carpentry skills to hide all of their valuables (paintings, jewelry, etc.). At the end of the war, everyone returned to my grandpa to find out where their belongings were. He said, "You've been sitting on them every Sunday." He had built false bottoms to all the pews in church and stored all the valuables there. It wasn't until the 1990's that my grandparents shared these stories with any of their children or grandchildren.
3) Veronica mentioned in her list of three random things that she enjoys meat with sweet sauces. I actually dislike sweet-flavored meat dishes. The combination of tastes seems wrong to me somehow, as if they stay too distinct rather than blending together. I much prefer savory meat recipes, with garlic or onions and a decent dash of salt.
I'll tag some new blog friends: Mya, Jill, and Brenna (who is not a new friend but has a new blog).
4.30.2008
Swell
The beta on Monday confirmed what we already knew on Sunday - negative. I'm disappointed, of course, but seeing that sadness and satisfaction in Christ can co-exist. If continued infertility is how God is going to receive the most glory from my life, I'm resigned to persevere in this trial.
So today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound. I warned the nurse that I expected cysts, as I've ended up with anywhere from one to four cysts after almost every single previous medicated cycle. The nurse sweetly said that she chose to think I'd be cyst-free this time around. But this morning I blew my own record out of the waters. As soon as the nurse began the ultrasound, she murmured in shock and asked if I was in any pain. Then she started typing measurements. A lot of measurements. Just guess how many cysts I have.
TWELVE.
Eight on the right ovary, four on the left, some as big as 4 cm.
I'm an ova-achiever. (Ba dum bum CHING.)
So now I've got a prescription for BCP to suck the life out of all those cysts. Hopefully, they'll all be gone by my next cycle so that we can do another IUI in June. In the meantime, I think I'll enjoy the recovery break, and I'll avoid any twisting, jumping, or abdominal exercises!
So today I went in for my CD3 ultrasound. I warned the nurse that I expected cysts, as I've ended up with anywhere from one to four cysts after almost every single previous medicated cycle. The nurse sweetly said that she chose to think I'd be cyst-free this time around. But this morning I blew my own record out of the waters. As soon as the nurse began the ultrasound, she murmured in shock and asked if I was in any pain. Then she started typing measurements. A lot of measurements. Just guess how many cysts I have.
TWELVE.
Eight on the right ovary, four on the left, some as big as 4 cm.
I'm an ova-achiever. (Ba dum bum CHING.)
So now I've got a prescription for BCP to suck the life out of all those cysts. Hopefully, they'll all be gone by my next cycle so that we can do another IUI in June. In the meantime, I think I'll enjoy the recovery break, and I'll avoid any twisting, jumping, or abdominal exercises!
4.28.2008
Yesterday
Yesterday, I woke up feeling anxious. One day to go until the blood test that would reveal the outcome of this IUI cycle.
Yesterday, I served in the nursery at church, holding someone else's fussing baby in my arms, standing and swaying until she calmed and slept. As the weight of her warm face pressed into my shoulder, wistfulness swelled and sighed in my heart.
Yesterday, I witnessed several young persons profess their faith in Christ and be baptized. Moms cried happily, dads proudly joined our pastors in lowering their children into the waters and raising them up again, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wondered if we would ever have the joy of having children, of seeing them come to know the Savior and join his bride, the church.
Yesterday, I started to bleed.
Yesterday, Jesus Christ was the same, a rest for the weary.
Today, Jesus Christ is the same, God with me.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, and all my tomorrows, Jesus Christ will be the same, my only hope and peace.
Yesterday, I served in the nursery at church, holding someone else's fussing baby in my arms, standing and swaying until she calmed and slept. As the weight of her warm face pressed into my shoulder, wistfulness swelled and sighed in my heart.
Yesterday, I witnessed several young persons profess their faith in Christ and be baptized. Moms cried happily, dads proudly joined our pastors in lowering their children into the waters and raising them up again, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wondered if we would ever have the joy of having children, of seeing them come to know the Savior and join his bride, the church.
Yesterday, I started to bleed.
Yesterday, Jesus Christ was the same, a rest for the weary.
Today, Jesus Christ is the same, God with me.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, and all my tomorrows, Jesus Christ will be the same, my only hope and peace.
4.25.2008
Contentment, Drift, and the Good News
As I wait for the results of this IUI cycle, I continue to be grateful to God for the contentment he has given me even in the middle of trial. But I've discovered that contentment is accompanied by a danger; I'm no longer quite so aware of my need for God. Where I used to urgently search for daily truth and grace to sustain me in the midst of difficulty, I lately have read Scripture and prayed with a sense of complacency. At church last Sunday, the message from Hebrews 2:1-4 spurred me on to guard against the danger of drift by paying "much closer attention" to the gospel. One of the application questions for the message was, "How do your affections for the gospel compare to where they were three months ago?" That question convicted me. My hard-won contentment was born out of gratitude for the gospel, but while the contentment has lingered, the cross-centeredness had not. So I have purposed, as I spend time with the Lord each day, to look more intentionally for the good news that Christ died for my sins.
Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!
What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?
Good news wasn't too hard to find in my reading in Ephesians this morning!
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace and kindness towards us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:4-7).
What a celebration of the precious gospel! God is rich in mercy towards me, not stingy. Why? Because he loves me with a great love! And why does he love me? Not because of anything inherently lovely in me. I was dead in my sin, so it was as though God's love wooed a corpse. But his love is strong enough to raise the dead; he made my soul alive with Christ. What a salvation! And not only did he resurrect this dead sinner, he has given me a place with Christ in his glory, an inheritance with the heir of the universe. All this God did so that he could show me the vast wealth of his grace and kindness. All his bounty is passed on to me through Christ. Content with my lot? How can I be less than content with the riches of the gospel at my disposal?
4.24.2008
A Letter from OfIRM to Mr. Aaron Patterson
Dear Sir,
We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes. While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails,
a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, 
should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."
Sincerely,
The Employees of OfIRM
*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.
We here at the Office for Infertility Repercussion Management (henceforth OfIRM) regret to inform you that your wife has turned into a snail. This unfortunate side effect of the progesterone suppositories is marked by a distinct trail of slime* left wherever she goes. While strict clinical studies conducted by OfIRM have proven that women taking fewer than two(2) suppositories per day are at no risk of becoming snails,
a dose of three(3) or more daily suppositories has been shown to cause rare cases of gastropodism. Your wife's doctor, considering the risk negligible, prescribed a course of three(3) progesterone suppositories per day. Regretfully, Mrs. Patterson appears to be one of the select group who does, in fact, succumb to gastropodism. However, we of OfIRM assure you that gastropodism does not necessarily preclude the possibility of pregnancy. (See Exhibits A and B for evidence of the potential concurrence between snails and gestating women.) Gastropodism is not a permanent condition; upon discontinuation of the progesterone supplementation, your wife should revert from her temporary state as a snail to her usual human form. In the meantime, 
should you have questions regarding how to care for your wife as a snail, please contact the toll-free number for OfIRM and request Brochure #SE44898, "Managing Gastropodism: The Care and Feeding of Snails."Sincerely,
The Employees of OfIRM
*OfIRM and its subsidiaries cannot be held liable for any costs incurred for the cleaning of dining chairs and/or seats in cars as a result of said trail of slime.
4.23.2008
Double Chocolate Cookies
What's that you say? You want a super-chocolatey cookie recipe? Well, alright...
Double Chocolate Cookies (makes about 24)
20 oz semisweet chocolate chips, divided
4 tbsp butter
2/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 350F. Heat 8 oz chocolate chips and butter in a bowl in the microwave in 20-second increments, stirring between each, until almost melted; do not overheat. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla on high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Don't skimp on the time beating the eggs and sugar! It makes the difference between thinly spread, crumbly cookies and perfectly round cookies with a soft center and a meringue-like exterior.) Reduce speed to low; beat in melted chocolate mixture. Mix in flour mixture until just combined. Stir in the remaining 12 oz of chocolate chips. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2-3 inches apart onto baking sheets. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through until cookies are shiny and crackly yet soft in centers, 12-15 minutes. Cool on sheets 10 minutes; transfer to racks to cool completely.
Oh, yum.
Double Chocolate Cookies (makes about 24)
20 oz semisweet chocolate chips, divided
4 tbsp butter
2/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 350F. Heat 8 oz chocolate chips and butter in a bowl in the microwave in 20-second increments, stirring between each, until almost melted; do not overheat. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla on high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Don't skimp on the time beating the eggs and sugar! It makes the difference between thinly spread, crumbly cookies and perfectly round cookies with a soft center and a meringue-like exterior.) Reduce speed to low; beat in melted chocolate mixture. Mix in flour mixture until just combined. Stir in the remaining 12 oz of chocolate chips. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2-3 inches apart onto baking sheets. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through until cookies are shiny and crackly yet soft in centers, 12-15 minutes. Cool on sheets 10 minutes; transfer to racks to cool completely.
Oh, yum.
4.21.2008
Vigilante of Heart
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23
In his commentary* on this verse, D.A. Carson writes, "In contemporary Western symbolism, the heart is the seat of the emotions. But in the symbol-world of Scripture, the heart is the seat of the whole person. It is closer to what we mean by 'mind,' though in English 'mind' is perhaps a little too cerebral. So 'guard your heart' means more than 'be careful what, or whom, you love' - though it cannot easily mean less than that. It means something like, 'Be careful what you treasure; be careful what you set your affections and thoughts on.'"
What do I treasure? What do I most often set my affections and thoughts on? These days, I think a lot about two things: having children and buying a home. Now, neither of those is bad or wrong. They are generally good desires. But when Aaron and I consider whether this is a wise time to buy a house, I have to carefully evaluate whether or not I have placed an undue importance on owning a home. And as I wait for the results of this IUI, I need to diligently examine my heart for any inordinate reliance on a pregnancy to give me joy.
Why should I be so vigilant? Because the heart, as Carson goes on to say, "directs the rest of life. What you set your mind and emotions on determines where you go and what you do. ... If your heart is ardently pursuing peripheral things (not necessarily prurient things), then from a Christian perspective you soon come to be occupied with the merely peripheral. If what you dream of is possessing a certain thing, ...that shapes your life."
I don't want to spend my life occupied with the merely peripheral. Houses and, yes, even children are peripheral. Though having a child and owning a home would both be great blessings, neither is essential to my satisfaction. And neither makes an ultimately worthy goal for my life. I still hope to have children by some means, and I still wish to buy a home when the time is right, but those intentions must be submitted to the aim of knowing and glorifying my Savior. So I guard my heart against treasuring motherhood and home-ownership too much. He loves me without those things, and by his grace I can love him without those things.
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith." Philippians 3:8-9
*in the reading for March 17 from For the Love of God, Vol. 2
4.17.2008
Super Size
Want to double the amount of traffic to your blog overnight? Apparently all you have to do is participate in Works-for-Me-Wednesday. Holy moley! Welcome to all of you visiting from Rocks in My Dryer.
I had an ultrasound this morning to measure my ovaries post-IUI. Judging by the reactions of the nurses, they are plenty large (I didn't ask for exact size, and I wasn't told). The right is much bigger than the left, which lines up with how I've been feeling. (I suspect a cyst, since I had them with every previous medicated IUI.) No need for the HCG booster shot, and I have instructions to call if I feel any severe pain. For now, me and my progesterone suppositories keep trucking along for the remaining week and a half until the blood test that reveals all. Amazingly, I don't feel any real anxiety or impatience as I wait to find out whether this IUI worked or not; I thank God for his Spirit's work in my heart to that end!
I had an ultrasound this morning to measure my ovaries post-IUI. Judging by the reactions of the nurses, they are plenty large (I didn't ask for exact size, and I wasn't told). The right is much bigger than the left, which lines up with how I've been feeling. (I suspect a cyst, since I had them with every previous medicated IUI.) No need for the HCG booster shot, and I have instructions to call if I feel any severe pain. For now, me and my progesterone suppositories keep trucking along for the remaining week and a half until the blood test that reveals all. Amazingly, I don't feel any real anxiety or impatience as I wait to find out whether this IUI worked or not; I thank God for his Spirit's work in my heart to that end!
4.16.2008
Best! Tank Tops! Ever!
So I thought I'd get in on a little Works-for-Me-Wednesday action this week. What is Works-for-Me-Wednesday, you ask? You can find out here.
Last night at our small group meeting, the gals discussed the topic of modesty. (We based our discussion on this message, in case you're curious.) Now, modesty is a matter of the heart more than anything else, but it is also a very practical issue. As we were talking about the specifics of appropriate appearance, I mentioned these tank tops. I have three of them (white, black, and brown), and I probably wear them five days out of every week. They are perfect for layering; they're long (even on a 5'10" girl like me!), and the neckline is just right, not to low, not to high. Now that the weather is finally starting to warm up, they're also great to wear alone. The fabric is light-weight enough to be comfortable, but not so thin that you need yet another layer underneath the tank. (Because, really, who wants to layer up on a hot summer day?) The tanks are form fitting enough to look feminine, but they aren't too snug. So there you have it, ode on a tank top.How about you? What item of clothing can't you live without?
4.14.2008
IUI Report
Everything pretty much worked out for the IUI this past weekend. My appointment on Thursday morning showed a number of growing follicles - one 15mm, one 14mm, three 13mm, and one 12mm. My estrogen levels had risen to 673, just over triple my previous levels from Tuesday. I knew from the size of the follicles that I wasn't quite ready to trigger yet, and I suspected that Dr. Owlish would want me to come in again on Friday. So before I received my instructions, I went ahead and made a preemptive phone call to the clinic to say that I would be attending my grandpa's funeral on Friday and would be unable to make any appointments that day. The nurse who called back reported that they could work around my schedule and gave me instructions to take a lower dose of Follistim that night, to trigger Friday morning, and to schedule an IUI for Saturday morning. I had a few questions about the protocol (why was I triggering in the morning if I should have had a monitoring appointment that day? why was the IUI only 24 hours after the trigger shot rather than the usual 36?), but after playing phone tag for the whole afternoon, I gave up and decided to just follow orders without getting more information. The HCG shot was not too hard to mix up and take, although I did have a reaction at the injection sight (a quarter-sized red welt) and I felt some unpleasant side-effects for a couple days (slight queasiness, tenderness, etc.). The nurse said that next time, if there is a next time, we can dilute the shot more. The IUI itself was a piece of cake. Since this clinic is so close to our apartment, we could relax at home instead of killing time in the waiting area between dropping of the sperm to be washed and the actual procedure. The nurse who performed the IUI was very gentle; I didn't have any cramping when she inserted the catheter. Then, she actually let Aaron push the plunger to send the sperm on through to the uterus; that was a little strange but also made the whole thing feel a bit more personal and less clinical. (The first word that came to my mind for that sentence was "sterile" instead of "clinical" - but it seems somehow wrong to use that word when describing our attempts to overcome infertility!) So now we're in the waiting stage. I only have one check-up between now and the pregnancy test at the end of the month. With everything surrounding my grandfather's death and funeral (which I'll write more about later), I haven't taken much time to think about the IUI or look ahead to what the results might be. I am asking that this will be the time when the Lord removes the thorn of infertility from us, but for the sake of Christ I am content with these hardships for now.
P.S. Thank you to all of the family members we saw over the weekend who expressed that you are praying for us to have children; it means more than you know to be so surrounded by support.
P.S. Thank you to all of the family members we saw over the weekend who expressed that you are praying for us to have children; it means more than you know to be so surrounded by support.
4.09.2008
Quick Update on the Funeral and the IUI
It looks like the potential conflict between the funeral and the IUI has been avoided. My grandpa's funeral will be Friday morning. My next monitoring appointment is tomorrow morning, so even if Dr. Owlish instructs me to trigger tomorrow evening, Saturday would be the soonest we would do the IUI. I guess it's still possible that I would have a monitoring appointment on Friday morning, but I'm not going to worry about that yet. I'm grateful for how it all seems to be working out so far.
Right now, life is in upheaval as we rearrange things in order to attend the funeral. A few weeks ago, I had agreed to watch my nephews and niece for the day tomorrow while my sister-in-law travels and brother-in-law works. So today is my last day of work for the week, which means I'm trying to cram three days worth of tasks into one. We'll try to meet my family for dinner tonight, and then we'll pack. Tomorrow will consist of a lot of juggling, in order to get Aaron's sister to the airport, me to my appointment, our nephews to and from kindergarten and preschool, and ourselves on the road to Michigan as soon as we can after handing the kids back over to my brother-in-law. It's quite hectic, but I'm trying to remember that Christ is in loving control of all these things.
Please continue to pray for safe travel and for the IUI scheduling and all these other tasks not to interfere with the time to be with family and remember my grandfather.
Right now, life is in upheaval as we rearrange things in order to attend the funeral. A few weeks ago, I had agreed to watch my nephews and niece for the day tomorrow while my sister-in-law travels and brother-in-law works. So today is my last day of work for the week, which means I'm trying to cram three days worth of tasks into one. We'll try to meet my family for dinner tonight, and then we'll pack. Tomorrow will consist of a lot of juggling, in order to get Aaron's sister to the airport, me to my appointment, our nephews to and from kindergarten and preschool, and ourselves on the road to Michigan as soon as we can after handing the kids back over to my brother-in-law. It's quite hectic, but I'm trying to remember that Christ is in loving control of all these things.
Please continue to pray for safe travel and for the IUI scheduling and all these other tasks not to interfere with the time to be with family and remember my grandfather.
4.08.2008
At the Intersection of Death and Life
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die... (Eccles. 3:1-2)
My grandfather died today. His death was not unexpected; he was in his late nineties, and he has suffered several strokes in recent years. He had another stroke yesterday, and he passed away this morning. The funeral will be either Friday or Saturday. My dad, mom, and brother fly into Chicago tomorrow, and they'll drive from here up to Michigan, where most of my dad's family live. Aaron and I hope to join them there over the weekend.
However, it's possible that the IUI will be scheduled for the weekend. At my appointment this morning, I had three dominant follicles measuring at 12, 11, and 10 mm, plus a few smaller ones. I'm still waiting for further instructions, but my guess is that I will stim for a few more days and then trigger (usually done when the dominant follicle is between 17 and 20 mm). If the IUI and the funeral end up scheduled for the same day, we'll probably have to choose between them. My mom says that we should opt to do the IUI rather than canceling the cycle, if that ends up being the case, but we're not so sure. I don't know yet what my dad would prefer. It seems so bizarre that we might have to decide either to honor a life that has ended or to take a chance of bringing a new life into the world, but we're trusting God's sovereignty in these matters.
We'd appreciate your prayers, for all of the details related to the funeral and the IUI, for safety for my family as they travel, and for the comfort of Christ in this time of loss.
My grandfather died today. His death was not unexpected; he was in his late nineties, and he has suffered several strokes in recent years. He had another stroke yesterday, and he passed away this morning. The funeral will be either Friday or Saturday. My dad, mom, and brother fly into Chicago tomorrow, and they'll drive from here up to Michigan, where most of my dad's family live. Aaron and I hope to join them there over the weekend.
However, it's possible that the IUI will be scheduled for the weekend. At my appointment this morning, I had three dominant follicles measuring at 12, 11, and 10 mm, plus a few smaller ones. I'm still waiting for further instructions, but my guess is that I will stim for a few more days and then trigger (usually done when the dominant follicle is between 17 and 20 mm). If the IUI and the funeral end up scheduled for the same day, we'll probably have to choose between them. My mom says that we should opt to do the IUI rather than canceling the cycle, if that ends up being the case, but we're not so sure. I don't know yet what my dad would prefer. It seems so bizarre that we might have to decide either to honor a life that has ended or to take a chance of bringing a new life into the world, but we're trusting God's sovereignty in these matters.
We'd appreciate your prayers, for all of the details related to the funeral and the IUI, for safety for my family as they travel, and for the comfort of Christ in this time of loss.
4.04.2008
Ready, Set, Go!
The cycle for IUI #5 has officially begun. I visited the offices of Dr. Owlish for my first monitoring appointment this morning. According to the ultrasound gal, everything (antral follicles, uterine lining, etc.) looks "gorgeous." This afternoon, I retrieved my instructions from my clinic-assigned voicemail box (fancy!). I start with 100 units of Follistim tonight and keep that up until my next monitoring appointment on Tuesday. Let the fun begin! (That may sound strange, considering I'm referring to giving myself daily shots and pursuing procreation in a highly technical and medical manner, but after such a long break from treatments I feel almost giddy about proactively cycling again!)
4.02.2008
An Encouraging Reflection
Last night, we had a very encouraging care group meeting. We each answered the question, "How have you seen the Lord at work transforming your heart over the past nine or so months, and what means (circumstances, people, etc.) has he used to do so?" As I thought about how to best summarize the work God has done in me in the past year, these words from Isaiah 26:3 came to mind.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
I spent a lot of time last year seeking to stay my mind on the Lord by studying his character. (To direct my study, I used Bible Doctrine by Wayne Grudem and Knowing God by J.I. Packer - very helpful and inspiring materials!) Studying God's character developed a greater personal trust in him. As turbulent circumstances continued to unroll - failed IVFs, changing doctors and diagnoses, a wretched HSG, the laparoscopy, etc. - I experienced a degree of steadfast peace that persisted through everything. I still felt (and feel) sorrow, fear, anxiety, but confidence in the Lord's promised goodness predominates. When I receive bad news or encounter disappointment, my soul now rebounds to God's truth much quicker than it once did. By fixing my attention on the Savior, I find that gratitude for the gospel softens and sweetens any sharp pangs of affliction. This is all a work of God's grace! I can still hardly believe that satisfaction in Christ and ongoing infertility can coexist in my life. It's not perfect, of course, but peace is abidingly present.
How about you? How has the Lord done his transforming work in your heart in recent months?
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
I spent a lot of time last year seeking to stay my mind on the Lord by studying his character. (To direct my study, I used Bible Doctrine by Wayne Grudem and Knowing God by J.I. Packer - very helpful and inspiring materials!) Studying God's character developed a greater personal trust in him. As turbulent circumstances continued to unroll - failed IVFs, changing doctors and diagnoses, a wretched HSG, the laparoscopy, etc. - I experienced a degree of steadfast peace that persisted through everything. I still felt (and feel) sorrow, fear, anxiety, but confidence in the Lord's promised goodness predominates. When I receive bad news or encounter disappointment, my soul now rebounds to God's truth much quicker than it once did. By fixing my attention on the Savior, I find that gratitude for the gospel softens and sweetens any sharp pangs of affliction. This is all a work of God's grace! I can still hardly believe that satisfaction in Christ and ongoing infertility can coexist in my life. It's not perfect, of course, but peace is abidingly present.
How about you? How has the Lord done his transforming work in your heart in recent months?
3.31.2008
Hardly Different
Today I visited the offices of Dr. Owlish for a lesson in injections, in preparation for the upcoming IUI cycle. If I had know that I would be watching the same instructional video that I saw back in November of '06 (thanks, handy timeline!), I would have brought popcorn to lessen the boredom a bit. Film-making doesn't really qualify as one of the strengths of the fertility pharmaceutical industry. When I met with the nurse afterwards, I declined her offer to go over all the Follistim instructions again. After three IUIs and two IVFs with the stuff, I think I'm familiar enough with the process. What is new for this IUI is that I will be mixing up my own HCG injection. At my previous clinic, the trigger shot prescribed came in the form of a pre-filled syringe. The prescription sent from Dr. Owlish's office includes two vials - one of powdered drug, one of fancy medical-grade water - and two needles - one to mix the contents of the two vials and draw up the combined HCG concoction, and one to administer the injection. This is definitely the next step in my career as a professional self-shooter-upper. Another interesting difference in protocol between the old clinic and the new is that a few days after the IUI, I'll have an ultrasound to check my ovary size. If the ovaries don't measure up, I'll take an HCG booster shot (half the dose of the trigger) in order to notch progesterone production up. Who knew that there is a direct correlation between ovary size and progesterone levels? Other than that, IUI #5 shouldn't vary too much from IUIs #1-4 - except, very hopefully, in the end result. Right now, I'm just waiting for my next cycle to start, so we can start trying again for the first time in a while.
3.28.2008
Upon Review, I Should Have Found a Synonym for Confident that Begins with the Letter "D"
Anti-climactic. Brief. Confusing. Confident. All those words describe Wednesday's post-op appointment with Dr. Owlish.
Anti-climactic because I had already received a call from the pharmacy last week about filling my prescriptions for an IUI with injectable meds. Follistim - check! Novarel - check! An astonishing 63 progesterone suppositories - check! Since the progesterone supplementation will only be required for either the two weeks between IUI and beta (quantitative pregnancy test via bloodwork, for all you fertile laypeople out there) OR for approximately the first trimester of a pregnancy, I can only conclude that Dr. Owlish is supremely optimistic or that I will be using an uncomfortable quantity of suppositories for the two-week-wait. Anyway, the premature pharmacy call told me pretty much all I need to know about the treatment plan now to follow the laparoscopy.
Brief because I waited about an hour for about a 10-15 minute meeting with Dr. Owlish. He must have had a crazy day, evidenced by an untidily askew tie and a demeanor almost opposite of his usual leisurely, let-me-thoughtfully-and-sympathetically-answer-all-your-questions manner. In other words, he seemed rushed and we didn't talk for very long.
Confusing because he blithely brushed past the matter of my bent fallopian tube ("It was clear. HSGs can be faulty.") and instead dwelled on the biopsy of my bellybutton mole (of all things!) ("Not cancerous.") and of the pelvic tissue ("Stage I endometriosis. We got it all out."). There I sat, prepared with all kinds of now moot questions about my tube. The few questions I scrambled up about the endometriosis diagnosis met with limited answers. "It was in my pelvis?" (As in, that's a rather unspecified location, doc; what organs was it on?) "Yeah, your pelvis." "Oh. Okay." Now that I've had three different (and two faulty) diagnoses for our infertility, I feel a bit uncertain and wary.
Confident - that adjective belongs to Dr. Owlish. I continued probing about the endometriosis. "Will it come back?" "Yes, but not for a year, and we're going to get you pregnant before then." Dr. Owlish is supremely certain that I will be pregnant very soon. Which is kind of reassuring, but kind of makes me want to mitigate his assurance by abandoning any optimism I have for an opposing, negative realism. But all in all, I'm glad Dr. Owlish is so determined on our behalf.
I do still have hope that we will conceive soon. If that hope is a full balloon, this appointment let a bit of air out, but the balloon is still inflated and floating. I'm praying for good things and seeking to keep my confidence in the Lord.
Anti-climactic because I had already received a call from the pharmacy last week about filling my prescriptions for an IUI with injectable meds. Follistim - check! Novarel - check! An astonishing 63 progesterone suppositories - check! Since the progesterone supplementation will only be required for either the two weeks between IUI and beta (quantitative pregnancy test via bloodwork, for all you fertile laypeople out there) OR for approximately the first trimester of a pregnancy, I can only conclude that Dr. Owlish is supremely optimistic or that I will be using an uncomfortable quantity of suppositories for the two-week-wait. Anyway, the premature pharmacy call told me pretty much all I need to know about the treatment plan now to follow the laparoscopy.
Brief because I waited about an hour for about a 10-15 minute meeting with Dr. Owlish. He must have had a crazy day, evidenced by an untidily askew tie and a demeanor almost opposite of his usual leisurely, let-me-thoughtfully-and-sympathetically-answer-all-your-questions manner. In other words, he seemed rushed and we didn't talk for very long.
Confusing because he blithely brushed past the matter of my bent fallopian tube ("It was clear. HSGs can be faulty.") and instead dwelled on the biopsy of my bellybutton mole (of all things!) ("Not cancerous.") and of the pelvic tissue ("Stage I endometriosis. We got it all out."). There I sat, prepared with all kinds of now moot questions about my tube. The few questions I scrambled up about the endometriosis diagnosis met with limited answers. "It was in my pelvis?" (As in, that's a rather unspecified location, doc; what organs was it on?) "Yeah, your pelvis." "Oh. Okay." Now that I've had three different (and two faulty) diagnoses for our infertility, I feel a bit uncertain and wary.
Confident - that adjective belongs to Dr. Owlish. I continued probing about the endometriosis. "Will it come back?" "Yes, but not for a year, and we're going to get you pregnant before then." Dr. Owlish is supremely certain that I will be pregnant very soon. Which is kind of reassuring, but kind of makes me want to mitigate his assurance by abandoning any optimism I have for an opposing, negative realism. But all in all, I'm glad Dr. Owlish is so determined on our behalf.
I do still have hope that we will conceive soon. If that hope is a full balloon, this appointment let a bit of air out, but the balloon is still inflated and floating. I'm praying for good things and seeking to keep my confidence in the Lord.
3.27.2008
I'm Too Tired to Think of a Title, Too (But Look! Alliteration!)
Guess what I did last night? I'll give you a hint. It has to do with #2 on this list. I did have a nice salad for dinner, so by using the process of elimination you'll understand why I am taking myself directly to bed (without a book!) and postponing the update I want to write about my post-op appointment.
P.S. If you're looking for some reading material to while away the wee hours of the morning, I recommend Dorothy Dunnett.
P.S. If you're looking for some reading material to while away the wee hours of the morning, I recommend Dorothy Dunnett.
3.25.2008
Infertility Timeline
I've added an infertility timeline in the left sidebar, below the blogroll. I thought it would be helpful for any newer visitors to my site who want a quick snapshot of my history of diagnosis and treatment. At the bottom of the timeline, I've noted what and when my next step will be. I get that question a lot, so I thought that would make a helpful reference. I'll try to keep it updated regularly.
When putting the timeline together, I discovered that I had completely forgotten about one of our IUIs! I had been thinking (and telling people) that we did three, two with Clomid and one with a combination of Clomid and Follistim. But we actually did a fourth with Follistim alone. I think I forgot about it because we were already gearing up for our first IVF at that point, doing tons of research and having lots of conversations about whether that was a step we wanted to take or not. Still, how strange to have almost no memory of an entire course of our infertility treatment! If nothing else, at least documenting the timeline restored that part of our story to my mind.
Now, I need your opinion. Do you like the placement of the timeline, or would you rather have it above the blogroll? And do you like it ordered from oldest to most recent events, or would you prefer the order reversed so the next step is at the top of the list?
When putting the timeline together, I discovered that I had completely forgotten about one of our IUIs! I had been thinking (and telling people) that we did three, two with Clomid and one with a combination of Clomid and Follistim. But we actually did a fourth with Follistim alone. I think I forgot about it because we were already gearing up for our first IVF at that point, doing tons of research and having lots of conversations about whether that was a step we wanted to take or not. Still, how strange to have almost no memory of an entire course of our infertility treatment! If nothing else, at least documenting the timeline restored that part of our story to my mind.
Now, I need your opinion. Do you like the placement of the timeline, or would you rather have it above the blogroll? And do you like it ordered from oldest to most recent events, or would you prefer the order reversed so the next step is at the top of the list?
3.21.2008
The Icing on the (1)__________
One (2)________ February evening, Aaron and Andrea headed out to get together with friends for a (3)____________. Andrea had baked a (4)____________ Bundt cake to bring. When removed from the baking pan, the top of the cake (5)______ a little bit, so Andrea decided to whip up a (6)_________________ to smear over it and cover up the cracks. She (7)_______ carried her fresh, frosted cake on a (8)_____ as they left the apartment. When they reached the steps outside the front door, Aaron exclaimed, "(9)___________! The steps are icy." Too late. Andrea, wearing very cute (10)_____________-polka-dotted ballet flats with absolutely no traction, slipped dramatically. Her (11)____ flew out from under her, her (12)_______ hit the stairs, while her (13)______ still tightly gripped the plate. The cake soared into the air, (14)_________ and landing on the (15)________ at about the same time as Andrea did. She had frosting on her nose, chin, (16)_____, ____, and _______. Unsure whether to (17)______ or cry, she sat on the ground while her husband (18)________ in astonished sympathy. They (19)________ what they could of the cake and left the rest for the rabbits and squirrels. They returned to the apartment, tracking buttercream through the (20)____, so that Andrea could clean up and change. When she saw herself in the mirror, she almost asked her husband to take a (21)________. He had a similar thought, but couldn't find the (22)_______. They both agreed that this event would make excellent fodder for the (23)_____! Once they finally made it to the party, the cake, though very (24)________, turned out to (25)_____ none the worse for its adventures.
(See my comment for the correct words to fill in each blank. See your own comments on the previous post for Mad Lib fun!)
(See my comment for the correct words to fill in each blank. See your own comments on the previous post for Mad Lib fun!)
3.20.2008
Mad Lib
I've crafted a Mad Lib out of something that happened to me last month. If you'd like to play along, leave your answers in the comments section before noon (CST) on Friday. (Or leave your answers whenever you like, just don't read Friday's post first!)
1. noun ____________________
2. adjective ____________________
3. event ____________________
4. flavor ____________________
5. verb (past tense) ____________________
6. food ____________________
7. adverb ____________________
8. noun ____________________
9. exclamation ____________________
10. 2 colors ____________________
11. body part ____________________
12. body part ____________________
13. body part ____________________
14. verb ending in -ing ____________________
15. noun ____________________
16. 3 items of clothing ____________________
17. verb ____________________
18. verb (past tense) ____________________
19. verb (past tense) ____________________
20. place ____________________
21. noun ____________________
22. noun ____________________
23. something you read ____________________
24. adverb ____________________
25. verb ____________________
1. noun ____________________
2. adjective ____________________
3. event ____________________
4. flavor ____________________
5. verb (past tense) ____________________
6. food ____________________
7. adverb ____________________
8. noun ____________________
9. exclamation ____________________
10. 2 colors ____________________
11. body part ____________________
12. body part ____________________
13. body part ____________________
14. verb ending in -ing ____________________
15. noun ____________________
16. 3 items of clothing ____________________
17. verb ____________________
18. verb (past tense) ____________________
19. verb (past tense) ____________________
20. place ____________________
21. noun ____________________
22. noun ____________________
23. something you read ____________________
24. adverb ____________________
25. verb ____________________
Clothing Giveaway
If you're interested, there's a contest over at Life More Abundantly to win a $50 gift certificate to online clothing retailer Christa-Taylor (who has also been featured on GirlTalk). Just leave a comment on this post to be entered to win. (Or don't, so I have less competition!)
3.19.2008
Infertility and Hospitality
An extension of my love for cooking is a joy in offering hospitality. There is a feast of pleasure in showing care to others by welcoming them into our home and nourishing them with food made by my hands. Gathering in a place of comfort, enjoying the gifts of flavor and sustenance, and sharing conversation, laughter and fellowship around a table together - these are gifts of grace.
And infertility has partially robbed me of the chance to offer and enjoy those gifts. It is a strange plundering. Who would think that the inability to conceive would result in the lack of opportunities to show hospitality? A minor grievance, to be sure, but I do miss - sometimes with poignant pangs - the simple joy of having friends over for a meal. You see, because we don't have children, we are the mobile, flexible ones. That means that when we have dinner with friends, we go to them. I honestly can't remember the last time we had a married couple or family to our home for a meal. We've invited, but the invitation always ends up getting turned around for reasons of infant sleep habits or babysitting or something along those lines. And I understand; really, I do. I don't mean this as an indictment of any of our friends with children. It truly does make more sense, when we spend time together with other couples, for us to go to their homes and so prevent a lot of hassle. But every time we drive to have dinner with our married friends, I feel a tiny sorrow over yet one more loss inflicted by infertility.
Hospitality is service. I don't want to have people come to our home so that I can impress or entertain them; that's stressful, not fun. The joy of hospitality comes in using skills and gifts to serve our friends. What serves our friends most now is not to have them in our home, but for us to go to them with the flexibility that we didn't choose but nevertheless have in our childless state. The best way, it seems, for me to exercise hospitality currently is to get out of the house.
And infertility has partially robbed me of the chance to offer and enjoy those gifts. It is a strange plundering. Who would think that the inability to conceive would result in the lack of opportunities to show hospitality? A minor grievance, to be sure, but I do miss - sometimes with poignant pangs - the simple joy of having friends over for a meal. You see, because we don't have children, we are the mobile, flexible ones. That means that when we have dinner with friends, we go to them. I honestly can't remember the last time we had a married couple or family to our home for a meal. We've invited, but the invitation always ends up getting turned around for reasons of infant sleep habits or babysitting or something along those lines. And I understand; really, I do. I don't mean this as an indictment of any of our friends with children. It truly does make more sense, when we spend time together with other couples, for us to go to their homes and so prevent a lot of hassle. But every time we drive to have dinner with our married friends, I feel a tiny sorrow over yet one more loss inflicted by infertility.
Hospitality is service. I don't want to have people come to our home so that I can impress or entertain them; that's stressful, not fun. The joy of hospitality comes in using skills and gifts to serve our friends. What serves our friends most now is not to have them in our home, but for us to go to them with the flexibility that we didn't choose but nevertheless have in our childless state. The best way, it seems, for me to exercise hospitality currently is to get out of the house.
3.13.2008
Mix & Match Quiche
This simple quiche recipe allows me to make a quick dinner with whatever ingredients I have on hand. I usually pair it with a simple salad, or fruit, or cooked broccoli or carrots.
Basic Ingredients
3 large eggs
1/2 cup heavy cream*
1 prepared pie crust
approx. 1/2 cup cheese, crumbled or grated
1/4 cup diced onion (white, red, or green)
1/4-1/2 cup meat, cooked & cut into small pieces
salt, pepper, and other seasonings to taste
Preheat oven to 375F. Place pie crust in a 9" pie pan. Whisk eggs with cream; season to taste. Place cheese, onions, and meat in pie shell. Pour egg mixture over top. Fold and pinch edges of pie crust. Bake 25-30 minutes, or until quiche is firm and golden and crust is lightly browned. Slice and serve.
I pretty much always cook and crumble bacon for the meat, but diced ham or sausage or even torn deli meats would work well. You could also add veggies like diced bell pepper, broccoli, or spinach. Two of my favorite combinations are (1) blue cheese, bacon, and green onion; and (2) fresh grated cheddar (the sharper the better!), bacon, white onion, a sprinkling of tarragon, and a dash of nutmeg. (If I use a pungent cheese like blue cheese, I only use about 1/4 cup and I don't add any extra seasoning - not even salt or pepper.) Experiment and enjoy!
*Half & half works fine, too. If you want to use regular milk, I would use an extra egg so that the consistency of the egg mixture is thick enough.
Basic Ingredients
3 large eggs
1/2 cup heavy cream*
1 prepared pie crust
approx. 1/2 cup cheese, crumbled or grated
1/4 cup diced onion (white, red, or green)
1/4-1/2 cup meat, cooked & cut into small pieces
salt, pepper, and other seasonings to taste
Preheat oven to 375F. Place pie crust in a 9" pie pan. Whisk eggs with cream; season to taste. Place cheese, onions, and meat in pie shell. Pour egg mixture over top. Fold and pinch edges of pie crust. Bake 25-30 minutes, or until quiche is firm and golden and crust is lightly browned. Slice and serve.
I pretty much always cook and crumble bacon for the meat, but diced ham or sausage or even torn deli meats would work well. You could also add veggies like diced bell pepper, broccoli, or spinach. Two of my favorite combinations are (1) blue cheese, bacon, and green onion; and (2) fresh grated cheddar (the sharper the better!), bacon, white onion, a sprinkling of tarragon, and a dash of nutmeg. (If I use a pungent cheese like blue cheese, I only use about 1/4 cup and I don't add any extra seasoning - not even salt or pepper.) Experiment and enjoy!
*Half & half works fine, too. If you want to use regular milk, I would use an extra egg so that the consistency of the egg mixture is thick enough.
3.12.2008
Pork Tenderloin with Onions
My brother is visiting for a week, which means I have a sous chef! We both really enjoy cooking, so we're entertaining ourselves by trying out some new recipes together. In light of these activities (and the fact that having company doesn't leave a whole lot of time for creative blogging thought), I'll try to post a few recipes this week. This pork tenderloin recipe is one I've been meaning to post for months; it's a delicious favorite of ours.
Pork Tenderloin with Onions (serves 4-6)
3 tbsp melted butter, divided*
1 tbsp olive oil
3 garlic cloves, minced (or crushed through a garlic press)
1 1/2 tsp dried thyme
salt & pepper
2 small red onions, cut lengthwise into 1/2" slices (2 cups)
2 pork tenderloins (about 1 lb each)
2 tsp flour
1/4 cup light-colored, flavorful liquid (I use anything from chicken broth to white wine, depending on what I have on hand; I've even used Marsala)
3/4 cup water
Preheat oven to 450F. In a small bowl, stir together 1 tbsp butter, oil, garlic, thyme, 1 tsp salt & 1/4 tsp pepper. In a roasting pan, toss onions w/ half the butter mixture; push to sides, place pork in center. Rub remaining butter mixture over pork. Roast 20** minutes. Heat broiler; set rack 4" from heat. Broil 10 minutes, or until pork registers 155F on an instant-read thermometer. Remove pork from pan. Whisk flour & 2 tbsp butter in a small bowl; set aside. Place roasting pan w/ onions on stove over medium-high heat. Add water; bring to a boil, stirring to deglaze the pan. Add broth/wine & flour mixture. Cook sauce, stirring, until slightly thickened, 3-5 minutes. Slice pork, and spoon sauce on top.
*I've substituted olive oil for all of the butter, and that works just fine.
**The original recipe only called for 10 minutes, but I found I needed to double the time for my oven.
Pork Tenderloin with Onions (serves 4-6)
3 tbsp melted butter, divided*
1 tbsp olive oil
3 garlic cloves, minced (or crushed through a garlic press)
1 1/2 tsp dried thyme
salt & pepper
2 small red onions, cut lengthwise into 1/2" slices (2 cups)
2 pork tenderloins (about 1 lb each)
2 tsp flour
1/4 cup light-colored, flavorful liquid (I use anything from chicken broth to white wine, depending on what I have on hand; I've even used Marsala)
3/4 cup water
Preheat oven to 450F. In a small bowl, stir together 1 tbsp butter, oil, garlic, thyme, 1 tsp salt & 1/4 tsp pepper. In a roasting pan, toss onions w/ half the butter mixture; push to sides, place pork in center. Rub remaining butter mixture over pork. Roast 20** minutes. Heat broiler; set rack 4" from heat. Broil 10 minutes, or until pork registers 155F on an instant-read thermometer. Remove pork from pan. Whisk flour & 2 tbsp butter in a small bowl; set aside. Place roasting pan w/ onions on stove over medium-high heat. Add water; bring to a boil, stirring to deglaze the pan. Add broth/wine & flour mixture. Cook sauce, stirring, until slightly thickened, 3-5 minutes. Slice pork, and spoon sauce on top.
*I've substituted olive oil for all of the butter, and that works just fine.
**The original recipe only called for 10 minutes, but I found I needed to double the time for my oven.
3.10.2008
Redux: Fighting Self-Pity
Yesterday, I talked with a friend about the temptation to self-pity. After that conversation, I went back to read an old post. Remember how much this had helped me, I thought it would be worthwhile to re-post.
*************************************************************
In D.A. Carson's commentary on 1 Kings 19 in For the Love of God Vol. 1, he examines some of the ways that Elijah gives into "the despair of unfulfilled expectations." As I read that this week, I found myself really resonating with Carson's description of Elijah. Though I am not particularly tempted at this very moment, self-pity has called like a siren during this extended season of unfulfilled expectations, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. I have adapted some of Carson's thoughts into a plan to fight against self-pity.
1) Be honest about the facts (don't exaggerate). I give into self-pity when I only focus on a momentary trouble and magnify how bad it is, rather than acknowledging that there are blessings in my life as well as trials. For example, when I found out about our need to do IUI or about the cyst, my first reaction was, "Everything that can go wrong does!" While both of those were truly disappointing setbacks, my response exaggerated the problem and overlooked the many positives in our battle against infertility (only facing one hormonal problem, great doctor & nurses, excellent insurance, good response to medication, etc.). Not only that, my response overlooked the big picture of my salvation and sanctification.
2) Don't judge the hearts of others. Self-pity not only affects me, it affects how I view others. I feed my self-pity by thinking, "No one else cares. No one else understands. No one else realizes how hard this is for me." In reality, I am surrounded by people who care, who want to offer comfort, who want to help me escape from sin and trust God through this trial. I do a great disservice to those people when I judge them out of my self-pity.
3) Remember God's promises. In the throes of self-pity, my circumstances and emotions seem so much more real and true than God's word. But I can nip self-pity in the bud by having faith that God's promises (to be faithful, to do good, to sanctify me, to bless me) are true even when I cannot see them or feel them.
4) Remember that God will not always work in the obvious way I want him to. I have great ideas about how God should work - he should end this trial by letting us conceive a healthy baby! I've learned all my lessons, right? He'll get glory by answering my prayers as soon as possible, right? Seems like a good idea to me... But when I think I know best how God should work in my life, I am easily tempted to self-pity when God does not work how I expect. I need to trust that his ways are higher than mine.
5) Find others to carry part of your burden. When I give into self-pity, I tend to isolate myself. Then, it becomes that much easier to exaggerate how bad my circumstances are, to judge others as uncaring, to ignore God's promises, and to complain about God not working how I want. When I am the only human audience for these thoughts, they start to dig in deep. But if I open up to others - my husband first, and then other friends - my sin is exposed and can be addressed and corrected, my despair is lessened as others help me, and I am pointed back to my loving and trustworthy God.
I think if I can even remember one of these things when I am tempted, it would throw a big wrench into the cogs of self-pity. By the Spirit's help, I hope to be able to capture self-pitying thoughts more and more quickly as time goes on. May he "fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified" (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)!
(originally posted on 8.18.2006)
*************************************************************
In D.A. Carson's commentary on 1 Kings 19 in For the Love of God Vol. 1, he examines some of the ways that Elijah gives into "the despair of unfulfilled expectations." As I read that this week, I found myself really resonating with Carson's description of Elijah. Though I am not particularly tempted at this very moment, self-pity has called like a siren during this extended season of unfulfilled expectations, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. I have adapted some of Carson's thoughts into a plan to fight against self-pity.
1) Be honest about the facts (don't exaggerate). I give into self-pity when I only focus on a momentary trouble and magnify how bad it is, rather than acknowledging that there are blessings in my life as well as trials. For example, when I found out about our need to do IUI or about the cyst, my first reaction was, "Everything that can go wrong does!" While both of those were truly disappointing setbacks, my response exaggerated the problem and overlooked the many positives in our battle against infertility (only facing one hormonal problem, great doctor & nurses, excellent insurance, good response to medication, etc.). Not only that, my response overlooked the big picture of my salvation and sanctification.
2) Don't judge the hearts of others. Self-pity not only affects me, it affects how I view others. I feed my self-pity by thinking, "No one else cares. No one else understands. No one else realizes how hard this is for me." In reality, I am surrounded by people who care, who want to offer comfort, who want to help me escape from sin and trust God through this trial. I do a great disservice to those people when I judge them out of my self-pity.
3) Remember God's promises. In the throes of self-pity, my circumstances and emotions seem so much more real and true than God's word. But I can nip self-pity in the bud by having faith that God's promises (to be faithful, to do good, to sanctify me, to bless me) are true even when I cannot see them or feel them.
4) Remember that God will not always work in the obvious way I want him to. I have great ideas about how God should work - he should end this trial by letting us conceive a healthy baby! I've learned all my lessons, right? He'll get glory by answering my prayers as soon as possible, right? Seems like a good idea to me... But when I think I know best how God should work in my life, I am easily tempted to self-pity when God does not work how I expect. I need to trust that his ways are higher than mine.
5) Find others to carry part of your burden. When I give into self-pity, I tend to isolate myself. Then, it becomes that much easier to exaggerate how bad my circumstances are, to judge others as uncaring, to ignore God's promises, and to complain about God not working how I want. When I am the only human audience for these thoughts, they start to dig in deep. But if I open up to others - my husband first, and then other friends - my sin is exposed and can be addressed and corrected, my despair is lessened as others help me, and I am pointed back to my loving and trustworthy God.
I think if I can even remember one of these things when I am tempted, it would throw a big wrench into the cogs of self-pity. By the Spirit's help, I hope to be able to capture self-pitying thoughts more and more quickly as time goes on. May he "fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified" (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)!
(originally posted on 8.18.2006)
3.06.2008
Blueberries for Hope
Many infertile women have a box. Or a drawer. A shelf. A room. A place where they have stored up a collection of items for that longed-for baby. Outfits. Blankets. Books. The collection and the place where it's stored can be a symbol of hope or a painful, tangible reminder of misplaced dreams. I don't have that collection or that place. I think it's partially due to a streak of Dutch practicality - why would I waste money on something that isn't a reality? And I think it's a form of self-protection - there are enough reminders in the world of my childless state, so why willfully inflict additional pain on myself? So I don't own anything* for my future children, and I'm content with that.
That is, I didn't own anything for future children, until yesterday. Yesterday, when my sweet husband came home from a brief business trip with a gift to represent our newfound optimism. He bought me a children's book, Blueberries for Sal, which he said he hopes will be the start of a collection. I hope so, too.
For the record, if I were to make a similar gesture to him, I would give him this. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from ordering it as soon as I saw it is that same Dutch practicality which whispered, "Yes, you're confident you'll be parents someday, somehow, but what if you adopt a two-year-old too big for this to fit?" But I regularly check to make sure the item is still there, on sale, waiting for the right time to purchase it. (Lord, please let it be soon!)
*Unless you count the box in storage that contains gifts that each of our mothers presented on our wedding day: one (1) pair ducky baby booties and the supplies to create one (1) ducky bathroom. I told you they were obsessed with giving us duck stuff. (We love you, moms! We just like joking about the duck stuff!)
That is, I didn't own anything for future children, until yesterday. Yesterday, when my sweet husband came home from a brief business trip with a gift to represent our newfound optimism. He bought me a children's book, Blueberries for Sal, which he said he hopes will be the start of a collection. I hope so, too.
For the record, if I were to make a similar gesture to him, I would give him this. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from ordering it as soon as I saw it is that same Dutch practicality which whispered, "Yes, you're confident you'll be parents someday, somehow, but what if you adopt a two-year-old too big for this to fit?" But I regularly check to make sure the item is still there, on sale, waiting for the right time to purchase it. (Lord, please let it be soon!)
*Unless you count the box in storage that contains gifts that each of our mothers presented on our wedding day: one (1) pair ducky baby booties and the supplies to create one (1) ducky bathroom. I told you they were obsessed with giving us duck stuff. (We love you, moms! We just like joking about the duck stuff!)
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